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Everything posted by Jman232

  1. I wish I had some magic words of encouragement, but it would be bulls---. For what it's worth at least you aren't alone suffering this. I'm glad you're here. When everything seems bleak, the words of a stranger on the internet can seem pretty irrelevant. Forcing myself to interact with another, be it a 10 minute phone conversation with my brother, helps a little bit.
  2. Unfortunately a lot of people who haven't experienced severe depression themselves just don't get it, and it's made more frustrating when they don't try to. I'm sorry your job responded that way. Welcome to the forum, I hope you can find compassion and understanding here. Has your boyfriend been supportive? And are there any therapists in the area you could see?
  3. Sometimes that's just what you gotta do. It sounds like you put a lot of thought into this and made your move at the right time. I'm sticking with my job for at least one more year so I can vest my retirement, but after that, there's nothing keeping me there.
  4. Well, after a week of working on Concerta, I'm pleased with the results. May talk to doctor about slightly upping the dosage, but I have noticed an increase in productivity and even slight decrease in anxiety
  5. I've posted a few times on this site that I have had trouble focussing on tasks in front of me, especially at work. So I scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician. It was a surprisingly stress free appointment. I explained that I have been diagnosed in the past, took Ritalin from about 5 to 12 years old, then briefly took Concerta while I was a sophomore in college. He gave me two surveys/tests to fill out, spoke with me for a little bit, then gave me a low dose prescription for Concerta. And I'm pretty pleased! I haven't been back to work (took a 4-day weekend) but I took it yesterday just to see how it would effect me. Glad I went with the low dosage, doesn't **** my appetite or give me the heightened anxiety like Ritalin and high dosage Concerts did. I will update tomorrow to see how it affects my work!
  6. I think tonight or tomorrow I will draft my letter to her and post it here
  7. Scienceguy does make a good point. I am sorry to hear this has brought you so much pain. But it sounds like you're out there in the world meeting new people. If you keep encountering new people the law of averages is in your favor.
  8. Thanks. I don't think it comes from smugness on her part, but a rather deep seated self loathing. She never fully learned to love herself, and instead of looking for healthy outlets, she fell for promises of cult leaders and charlatans who prey on people with low self esteem. And she still struggles for the acceptance of a cold disapproving God. I understand she is in pain, and I have some idea of why she did what did. But she left a family broken hearted, and it doesn't make what she did ok. I don't want to be bitter, but I just don't think I can keep in touch with her any more.
  9. This is something I have been stewing over for a long time now, but I think it's time that it needs to happen. A little back story. I grew up in a fairly normal white bread suburban middle class family. Sure, my parents were religious and conservative, but it was never to the point of being radical or abusive. They were genuinely loving people who did their best with what they knew and had and really worked to give my brother and I a good childhood. And in a way that makes this decision even harder. About six years ago my mother started getting really involved in various religious fringe movements. They, and she came to perceive any form of mainstream society, religious or secular, as wicked and corrupted. In time she began to isolate herself further and further from us all. We tried to reason with her, but she was convinced that she was on the righteous path and we were all clouded by sin. About five years ago she separated from my father. That was hard on us all. But despite that, I kept in close contact with her. She and I had shared such a close bond. Even when she angered the rest of my family I stood up for her. But eventually, when I just couldn't reconcile my beliefs with here, she said she had to separate from me as well... And it's been at least five years now that she hasn't been a regular part of my life. But what really hurts about all this, is that I knew who she used to be. I remember her for the brilliant musician, for the tender soul, the loving mother who held me close in my dark moments. When I was struggling with depression growing up she was my biggest supporter. And that is what makes this such a hard decision. But I have to. My life has beenextremely trying these past two weeks. Every day has been a struggle. When she called me out of the blue the other day to tell me how I missed the rapture I just about lost it. I've been clinging onto some faint hope that she will return to normal, but, that's not happening in the foreseeable future, and, as my spouse pointed out, this isn't a healthy relationship. I think it's time I cut ties...... has anyone here had to make this decision?
  10. Heck yeah!! I'm about a third through it. Trust me, it looks super long, but once you get into it it's a pretty fast paced read.
  11. I used to be a night owl. Looking back a lot of the art (writing/drawing) I've made has been in the evening and night hours. That's still when I seem to have the greatest creative energy. Working a Mon-Fri job from 7am-3pm however, has forced me to become a daytime person by necessity. But sure enough, when I take time off, I slip back into my old night owl ways.
  12. I really liked my last one, I had combed my hair and put on nice clothes that day. Haha as for my current license, I have a CDL, and I was at work the day I passed the test. It was in the dead of the August summer, I had spent a lot of time outside, and I believe the truck I tested in didn't have AC. I ran to the tag agency as soon as I passed the test, and needless to say I was a dirty sweaty mess. When I get that license renewed I'm taking the day off and combing my hair!
  13. That was really cool of you to address everyone who responded like that :) Oh boy, 2015. The pros- I'm closer to a college degree now at the end of the year than I was at the beginning (game plan laid out, the end is in sight!) I've at least two good road trips with my spouse, I'm another year closer to getting my retirement vested. And I've acquired an old pickup truck and rekindled my passion for automotive repair. The cons/what needs work- I've put a few achievements under me but still am hitting the tip of the iceberg with my insecurities and anxiety. I need to see my counselor more regularly and I still really don't have much of a life plan. I look at from the scope of 3 years. 2013 was a hard year for me. I had a falling out with a few close friends, a lot of my others graduated college and moved away. I moved in with my spouse (which don't get me wrong, is awesome, but a big change), got my first "grown-up" 9-5 job in a field I quickly realized I don't want to spend the rest of my life in. It was a major shift in my life, and bit by bit I'm pulling out of it. Am I fully where I want to be in life? Heavens no, but am I a little bit closer? I would like to think so :)
  14. I am sorry to hear it has been so hard for you :( You are not alone. Like someone above said this time of year seems especially hard for sufferers of depression. Many years ago I was a kid on the sofa crying. I would always get sooooo excited for Christmas, with so much buildup, and then the day would come and go, and it would feel like such a downer. My mother once comforted me saying, "A lot of people get very sad around Christmas time, because it reminds them of happier times, or makes them feel like they should be happier than they are." That definitely opened my perspective on it. And yea, you always have next year. It's all over for now and we all have spring to look forward to :)
  15. Absolutely. Depression recovery is not always a linear A to B process. There will be days sometimes when you slip back. May I ask how long you've been on AD meds? Wishing you the best, we are here for you.
  16. So true! I lucked out with my spouse, but even then it took a lot of work and compromise to get to where we are. I can't bash anyone here for feeling hating the loneliness, though. Before I was married I spent many a lonely night feeling like I would be alone forever. And yes, don't believe what the media or even social media show you. As Portlandia once said, "it's like they crop out the sadness"
  17. Amen!! I don't hate my job by any means, but I certainly don't plan on staying there forever. It runs the gamut from deeply satisfying/rewarding to pleasant to boring to pull-your-hair-out stressful, sometimes all in one week haha. But two more years and my retirement gets vested, and then there's nothing keeping me around! But like you also said, some days I'm grateful just to have a job
  18. I am so sorry to hear this. It's not the same but I've felt the pain of unrequited love. I also think 4amredlight said it quite beautifully. You did something brave, and went out on a limb. Even if he may never reciprocate, even if it's hard on the friendship, you faced your feelings and will never have to be tortured by "what if?"
  19. I have recently gotten back into the dating game after three years. Just created an OCCupied account myself. Well, I would say tread with caution. You really have to message a lot of people for replies. It's hard not to get emotionally invested, but you really have to go into it with low expectations because it does have a lot of potential to feed your feelings of loneliness. But despite that, I have met a few cool people through it, just have to plow through a lot of rejection/getting flat out ignored to find them. I hope this helps? Please forgive my cynicism. Also as someone else pointed out, look into forums/groups of like-minded people and see who's in your region :) Either way I wish you the best
  20. Yes, my boss has even told me if I need to take five and step away from a job, that is completely understandable, he said he would prefer the job take a little longer to complete than get rushed and go out the door improperly done. As for a written checklist, I have purchased a small dry erase board that I hang up on top of my toolbox, so I always have something to look at. I will write a checklist on it with things such as reminders to make sure that all bolts are tightened, fluid has been added, etc. so I can quality control my work before it goes out the door. I am hoping that this prevents such mistakes in the future. I can live with making a small mistake once in a long while, but not big ones that come back and bite me.
  21. I'm sorry to hear your husband is upset at you due to this :( I too had to quit a job because of the stress and anxiety. But I only lasted 3 weeks. I was a night shift stocker at Wal Mart, and although I've worked jobs that are harder in the sense that they demand more skill or standards of me, there was something about it, that I can only describe as soul crushing. A few months later I was working part time at two different, much smaller retail stores, and even despite juggling two jobs, was much happier than I had been at WalMart. Sometimes a job just isn't worth what it causes to you. Have you tried other types of jobs? A call center sounds like a terrible environment for anyone with any kind of stress or anxiety, but perhaps something a little quieter? I was a cashier at a Tuesday Morning for almost three years, and I really enjoyed the laid back atmosphere of that kind of store. You said you've quit jobs before, were they also stress-inducing like the call center? If you can determine what you really hate, what you like, and what you don't care for but can tolerate in a workplace, maybe that can help you find something. I hope you find something that works out for you!
  22. I just keep messing up :( I was in my boss's office again today, for a big mistake I made at work. Long story short I was doing brake work on a police car, and I got in a rush and forgot to tighten two bolts. The car returned a week later with the brakes barely working because of my mistake. My mistake could have cost someone their life. I want to be proactive, I want to do better, but this is a pattern I've experienced at work. Sometimes I lose focus, then something like this happens, and it stresses me so much I lose my focus even more. My boss told me he won't even consider demotion or termination, thank God, but this is something I have to be better about. It stresses me so much :( Any advice for keeping focus or anyone who's been here before?
  23. The ones I can think of: Blade Runner Unforgiven (though it's been ages since Ive seen it) Joe Dirt Two Lane Blacktop Apocalypse Now Spirited Away (I JUST saw this movie last weekend. It was sweet :) ) All I can think of for now... *ponders*
  24. It's Friday. It's Friday. It is Friday.
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