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Everything posted by Jman232

  1. I think what you described is pretty normal. Like others pointed out, sometimes what we fantasize about isn't necessarily what we would do in real life. Sexuality is fluid, and can be subject to change. And it's also pretty common for people to experiment or just imagine being the same sex. Feeling like you're going through an identity crisis is pretty understandable, but take a step back and remember that your sexuality is only one part of who you are :) So, I guess to answer your initial question, no what you described doesn't make you a lesbian. I'm transgender mtf, and went through a phase experimenting with men just prior to transitioning, yet I wouldn't call myself "gay" by any means.
  2. I'm trans, mostly attracted to fem people but I went through a phase experimenting with guys. I think the issue you're talking about is called "bisexual erasure" buy some. It's frustrating, and seems a lot of people want to put sexuality (and gender too for that matter) into a neat little dichotomy that's easy to understand. And it's like anything outside that freaks them out. I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with that, especially within the lgbt community. I hope you can find some chill people who are willing to accept that sexuality is more than "you're either a or b! No C-Z!"
  3. Thank you for the reply! Sorry for the snarkiness. I agree with you. The idea of dating this person seems appealing to me, but I think a lot of why stems from my missing the human contact from my last relationship. I don't even move out of living with my ex until the end of this month, so yeah, I definitely haven't moved on past this relationship. It's the less sexy option, but right now I need to focus more on centering my life and moving past my ex. Thank you for the reply, Natasha!
  4. Alrighty, then. Apparently I'm the only person on this entire website who's had to navigate the rebound after a long messy breakup. What a relief
  5. Oh my, where to begin. To say the least my life has been less than stable. First off, to clear any pronoun or gender confusion, most of the people involved in this story are trans. Last summer I was in a very tumultuous open relationship with a girlfriend and my husband. All three of us were dating the other two. It's a long story, but things went downhill, and really came to a head in September, where I had a series of colossal fights with them, which led to the eventual breakdown of the relationship. They are still together, but I am single again. I spent about a month living with my dad, and then I have moved back in with them until I can save up the money to put down a deposit and move into my own place. It's less than ideal, but we all try our best to be civil while I live with them another month. Still, it can be painful at times being a 3rd wheel in a household that used to belong to my spouse and I. I can see myself being friends with them in the long run, but for now, God, I gotta get out of this house. Life hasn't been all bad though. I've resumed taking classes, and this summer I will have a 2-year college degree(only took me 9 years!). Last November I finally came to terms with the fact that I am transgender, and begun taking hormones. I have loved the changes they have brought and don't regret my decision for a second. I only regret not doing it sooner. If it still says "male" in my profile it's because I have been too lazy to change that. And here is where things get a little tricky. In one way I'm glad to be broken up with ex husband and gf. It has definitely reduced some of the stressors in my life. But, I think now that it's been a few solid months, the loneliness has set in. There are definitely times where I miss the companionship. And the sex if I'm being honest. So one day I'm visiting a city a few hours up north where some friends live. They are, like my last relationship, a queer open couple. Let's call them E and C. C I have been friends with since high school, we've known each other forever. He is a woman who recently came out as trans to me. (we tend to find each other lol) E is his partner. I just met her back last summer. She is transgender, like me. Over the past few months she and I have really hit it off. Eventually I told my friend and her partner C that I am quite attracted to her. It still feels a little weird to tell your friend of 11 years you dig their partner, but I've been honest and we've all been open and cool about it. Last weekend while C was out of town hiking in the mountains, I drove up and spent the weekend with E. We had a great time. Our sexual chemistry is amazing, and she is a delightful person to hang out with and talk for long stretches of time. At one point lying down next to her I broke down, and confessed that I have a major crush on her, but don't feel the capacity to get involved in another comitted relationship in my life. She smiled and told me that's okay, and it's okay to have those feelings for someone without expectations of it turning into a relationship. She then said she feels the same way. I had forgotten how much I miss, and have craved, that kind of close human contact. Physically and emotionally. But I worry am I moving too fast? And then I smoked garden shrub that weekend. I was having such a good time, I wanted to take something to make me forgot all the negative that happened in the past, and unwind. Then come tuesday morning at my work I get sprung with a random drug test. I am panicking. I won't know the results until today at the earliest, friday at the latest, but I'm stressed and scared. My job actually has a pretty progressive policy towards substance abuse. If it's a first time offense, you are allowed to consult a rehab program, and allowed to return to work when you've completed it. they even let you use your sick time so you won't miss a paycheck. But it's still scary. I don't know how it will change how my coworkers look at me, and right now the thought of going through rehab sounds daunting. Though, despite everything that's been going on in my life, it may be a positive healing experience. Soooo, all that said, my life is turning into this roller coaster of big highs and lows, my hormones are changing, my life is changing, and I'm afraid of going down a wreckless path and doing something really stupid in this emotionally fragile state I'm in. Any thoughts or advice?
  6. I'm so sorry to hear that :( I'm also going through the end of a long relationship so I know how you might feel. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to vent to an open ear. Unfortunately there is no quick way to get over the pain, but it does lessen over time.
  7. They certainly are, friend. I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this too. im still on such a wild roller coaster of emotions. I'll swing from feeling heartbroken, to perfectly relaxed and accepting that this is for the best, back to soul crushing heartbreak, and then back to feeling okay, sometimes all in one day!
  8. As the title says. It's a long, complicated story, and I will share it when I have the mental energy and time. But the long short of it is our marriage has been on the rocks for a long while now. I was living in a separate bedroom for the past year, and we went into an open relationship and wound up dating the same woman (which I can't help feel just distracted me from all the problems with my marriage, but I'm also feeling bitter) and then we all wound up living in the same house. Eventually things deteriorated further. I ended relationship with both of them in an anger fueled Sunday night. But they were planning on ending it soon if I didnt. Fast forward a few weeks later. I get into an argument with both of them. (Soon to be ex spouse, and ex gf) and go out for a late drive. In a fit of exasperated anger I text my spouse saying I'm done, calling it quits for good, moving out the end of the month. I acknowledge that dropping such a bombshell via text is a really s----y thing to do. So I go back home to my ex gf calling me some choice things while my spouse is sobbing on the sofa, telling me how terrible a thing to do that was. I don't blame him for feeling that way. But I was and stl am at the end of my emotional and mental capacity with the constant conflict that has been the past 6 months of my love/home life. I'm temporarily living with my dad, and honestly the stability and peace of his house has been a welcome change of pace. But today was the first day I didn't have anything to do. And it hit me hard. Our relationship is probably going to end. :'( I don't deny my share of blame, but wow. The first person I truly deeply loved, who deeply loved me back. And it's coming to an end. This may be better for us in the long run, but that doesn't make it hurt any less :'(
  9. I feel your pain :( my immediate family was always pretty understanding of my depression (most of them still are) but as someone who grew up Baptist in the rural south, I understand how frustrating it can be trying to share anything with strictly religious people outside their comfort zone. I'm glad you like your therapist though!
  10. Yes and no. In large amounts at once (drinking heavy liquor to get plastered), alcohol almost always exacerbates my depression. If I'm in a bad spot, be it depressed or just upset, alcohol will make it worse for me.... But, I've often found, especially in stressful times, a cheap gas station tall boy, occasionally paired with a cheap cigar, helps take the edge off and improve my focus, mood, and emotional capacity to deal with frustrating circumstances. But that's only when in small doses. I won't encourage alcohol and tobacco use, as both are objectively detrimental to physical health, just speaking from my own experience.
  11. Well said! I had a similar issue with my last therapist. We would just make small talk for an hour once a week, and while it was relaxing in a way I never left the room with any plans to improve or any real challenges. My new therapist is much better at challenging me. It's still the hardest darn thing for me to be vulnerable, to anyone, but I'm opening up little by little.
  12. Both great responses! morecoffee- how very right you are. Thank you for the encouraging words. I'd like to look up the Happiness Hypothesis on that. Also starting meditation and practicing positive affirmations. lifeisatemporarydisease- thank you for sharing! I'm glad you could share that with me. It takes a lot of personal strength to forgive, and acknowledge ones own fault in a situation without giving the other a free pass. It's encouraging to know I'm not alone.
  13. All my adult life I've blamed my problems and shortcomings on others; my family, my coworkers, the way my parents raised me. My spouse. Im both terrified of confronting and owning up to my problems and character faults, but I've never had more clarity that's what I need to do. how do you move on past that? How do you rewire your brain and thoughts after you've shaped them in a negative way for the past 8 years?
  14. I'm sorry to hear that. There unfortunately aren't any quick solutions to moving on past that. But that doesn't mean it's not doable. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship. Even when nobody dies the end of a relationship is a major loss and requires time to grieve that loss. You made a mistake, but it doesn't have to define you. Forgive yourself. And if remaining friends with him and watching him start a new life with someone else is too painful, you aren't obligated to remain his friend. Is he the one who chose to end the relationship? He has to live with any consequences of his choices as well. I don't have BPD, so I can't give you any meaningful input there, but this is my two cents. Wishing you the best.
  15. I love my spouse, and he loves me. But I just can't see our marriage going any further. We tried being an open relationship and we both wound up dating the same person. I recently decided to take a break from them both as I am dealing with both my depression and an identity crisis. But he and I have been fighting so much, so much tension in the past 8 months. We get along much better as friends. He's afraid I'm not going to change, that I'm going to decide I'd rather just be friends and let the romance die, and frankly, as much as it breaks my heart, I'm afraid that's just what might happen. Because frankly I'm sick of being in a dysfunctional relationship.
  16. Gotcha. I very briefly scanned over the IUIC's website so I have a vague idea. So is your mother big on civil rights as well? That sounds like a good cause to get behind, but it sounds like she isn't seeing the forest for the trees. Feel free to pm me, I'd be happy to talk with you more on this. I've been through a very similar situation and I sympathize.
  17. I wish I knew what to say :( reading your post, it's like I was reading something that I could have written. My mother got deeply involved in religion, which led to her to join an online cult. What kind of religious videos does she watch? Is it the regular televangelist stuff you'd see on tv or the more hardcore kind of fringe stuff? Religion can be a trap and a n addiction just like gambling or substance abuse. Ultimately she has to want to get help for herself, or the pleas of you and your family may just be falling on deaf ears. My mother finally cut herself off from us entirely and moved away. I'm not saying that will happen to you, just that I empathize and know how frustrating it can be. Sorry, I'm clearly still bitter. I wish you the best and hope she comes around.
  18. That's a tough situation you're in. You don't sound horrible or like a witch. Frankly it sounds like being in this relationship is only exacerbating your own personal struggles. It sounds like your boyfriend has some issues for sure, but the biggest red flag I see is his inability to admit he has a problem and address it. Unfortunately some people never improve themselves simply out of an unwillingness to change and swallow their pride and admit to their faults. I know it's easier said than done, but I would look for any and every possible option you may have for an escape plan. Do you have any close friends in the area who would be willing to let you stay with them until you can get yourself back on your feet financially? Wishing you the best
  19. I actually got out of bed when I said I would. I'm still sitting on the couch sipping coffee, but I'm up and awake. I feel this is a step in the right direction
  20. Thank you for sharing your pain with us. I'm glad you felt like you could here. That brought tears to my eyes. <3
  21. I certainly hope who_cares wasn't intending to sound callous, but dude, it kinda felt that way, looking at it from the outside. The "I have it worse" game, while even if well intended, can be dangerous to play as it makes others feel somehow invalidated in their pain. And tumble, I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I had some words of good advice. Just know that you aren't alone in the struggle. There are some darn good people here who can relate. It isn't sexy, and it may not make you feel any better. But sometimes surviving is the best thing you can do. Wishing you the best
  22. Finding hope is still an uphill struggle
  23. Diego- that is one of the reasons my depression is so frustrating. I often feel hopeless without a clear cut reason. I am working towards ways to fill my free time like you said, so I don't just sit on the couch and slip into darkness. Sequin- thank you for the honest reply. And you are right, there are good people in my life who care. Thank you both for replying
  24. I've always battled with depression on and off again most of my life. My therapist diagnosed me with dysthemia. I can't think of a time prior to this past year that I have sunk so low. I used to have long stretches of heightened sadness and anxiety that would come and go. So for a long time my understanding (or maybe lack thereof) of depression was just being sad more often or for lesser reasons than normal people. This isn't that. I feel like I've sunk below my dysthemic patterns into a bleak clinical depression. I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two lovely people, and they are both concerned for me, but I just can't muster the energy to return their affection. This has strained my relationship with them. I don't have the initiative to pursue any of the things that usually bring me great pleasure. I only meet them with apathy. I'm an introverted person by trait but the slippery slope of wanting alone time has led me to shut myself in. I know that kind of isolation only exacerbates my condition but going out seems exhausting. I work 40-50 hours a week in a toxic work environment because it pays me well and has fantastic benefits for a job requiring only moderate skill set, but dang if it doesn't sap what little energy I have left. (But isn't that the American dream? Sell your soul to your work or be grindingly poor) I have good people in my life. A few close friends. A good relationship with my father and brother. But making the energy for others just seems insurmountable. I have a therapist, whom I haven't been able to visit in the past month because my job has been crazy (finally seeing her tomorrow after work). But finding no light at the end of the tunnel. I will force myself to hit the gym later today to hate myself a little less. But what's the point?
  25. I wish I had some magic words of encouragement, but it would be bulls---. For what it's worth at least you aren't alone suffering this. I'm glad you're here. When everything seems bleak, the words of a stranger on the internet can seem pretty irrelevant. Forcing myself to interact with another, be it a 10 minute phone conversation with my brother, helps a little bit.
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