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About ink

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  • Birthday April 19

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    cats, art, wild life photography, music, literature,food, travel, daydreaming, sketching in bars, 3+ hour movies....
  1. I had some therapy when I was younger. The therapist blamed my mother (as usual) and my left handedness (making me view the world from a different angle). She said that caused my aggressive and dangerous behavior, but she wasn't sure why i would walk away for hours and want to disappear. She made me take a bunch of test, IQ, mri and some other ones. She concluded my thinking was very strange. She said my basic reasoning was under developed, but my critical reasoning was beyond my pears (rough translation, not sure about the terms . She said I was too conscious of large concepts for my age and not emotionally prepared to face them. I am much older now and I think my basic reasoning is the same as my piers and they should have by now caught up to my critical reasoning. I still feel the same. I wasn't sexually abused and I don't have other childhood traumas. I had a drinking problem, but I wan't an alcoholic. I practically stopped drinking or using for a while now. A friend of mine (psycho major) suggested I have an over developed imagination (I guess cuz i am an artist). She told me that I struggle with fantasy and reality. My sanity knows the difference, but my emotions desire escape to my imagination. What she said was probably too much, but I guess my expectations are too high. I over complicate the simplicity of reality.
  2. Actually I traveled quite a lot...to over 10 countries. I also hike and wonder cities often. I don't think I have ever lived in any place for longer than 3 years (since I was 9). It doesn't stop, the feeling of disappearing no mater where I go. There is slight relief, but as soon as people get to know me, and become my friends I just want to go away. I do that quite often. Sometimes I bump into my old friends and they wonder what happened, how could I break all contact with them, when they have always considered me a good friend. I make up a story and run away. I feel so bad for lying to them. In their eyes i can see that they really care, but i don't feel anything for them.
  3. Most days I mange my feelings but other days I just want to disappear. It gets so intense that the only thing that helps is shutting my self in my room. I turn of the lights and block all noises. I stay there until I stop pacing. On my bad days people irritate me more and the everything falls apart. I loose tack of time and my perspective on life. What I really want is to go away, keep walking until I am in a place where I don't know anyone and no one bothers me, a place of no direction or objective. I want to run away and break all connection to everyone and everything I know. I am detached in all of my relationships, but many depend on me and I know it would not be fair to simply disappear from their lives. In childhood I used to wonder off until the adults would drag me back, later i used to run away for days (just walking in the city), but then i would remember that my sibling and parents would worry and I knew they didn't deserve that. I don't have big issues or a horrible life style and I don't lack confidence or struggle with insecurities, I just want to go away, and not to be bothered. When I was younger and couldn't cope with this feeling, and I would constantly engage in dangerous games and activities. It would release my control and make me feel alive. I even tried to **** my self, but I did it wrong. My brother stopped me before I bled out. I promised him i would never do that again. I know that what I did was irresponsible and bad, but I can't help the way I feel. The book I am reading talks about facing and understanding my issues. My issue is that I want to go away, I don't know where or why? I keep running away from relationships, opportunities, and desires even though I know what I am doing is wrong. I feel so tried every day keeping my self afloat. Everyone is getting p***** at me because I rarely use email, text, Facebook, call....so on. I used to go out a lot, but now that I drink less I am having a hard time forcing my self to socialize. I really don't want to be bothered, but today it is so important to network and have many "friends". The more I talk to people the more i wan to leave them. I just want to keep walking until i disappear. Sometimes I fear that one day I will, just to away and disappear and never return. I know that would be a crazy thing to do, but can't help feeling that way. Are these feelings typical for depression? How do others cope with it? How to stop this feeling?
  4. ink


    My parents did divorce, but that was the happiest moment of my life. We practically begged our mother to set her self free. We did move and my mother had issues after. But the thing is that dream has been with me long before the separation or traveling. I have always been so indecisive and always pressured to make a choice. The late dreams are quite common- everyone I know gets them sometimes.
  5. Hey Pampers, Yah i watched a few just now and read a few studies, but there is a slim chance of that. I don't have those symptoms. I am asexual, no interest in sex-apparently that just happens. I experimented a little because i felt pressured to be like everyone else: finding my one and only. I am just comfortable the way i am. I don't really over socialize, I have a strong personality and often a leader, but i am quite picky. I just try to keep an open mind and accept people the way they are. I know I cant change them so I'm changing my self little by little. I good at adapting. I thrive on critical thinking and organisation and wasn't too bad in in math, literature, and writing. That hardly points to ASD. My writing issues were simply my poor adjustment to using the right hand since i was such a strong lefty, so that is not related either. If my language seems funny or odd in some way, well, English is my 3rd language. i speak what I was taught.. I am not sure why you think I have it all figured out? The fact that I keep trying so many options just means i haven't figured out anything. Each day i push my self to make decisions (listing), but they change and it is hard to figure out what I want. Always stuck with trial and error hopping to stumble on the right answers. By any chance do you have ASD? It almost feels like you are projecting? I used to do that too....kept suggesting to my dyslexia friends, that maybe they are un-contiguously left-handed. I am not rejecting your idea, but I don't want to get attached to just one opinion. I am not even sure if I really have depression. I joined this site to confirm my theories. I also ordered blood tests and physicals to exclude health issues to my emotional cycles. So far I was told I was vitamin D deprived, which is funny since I spend a lot of time outside. I had counseling recently but the shrinks often blow my issues out of proportions. It seems like they like to blame mothers and fathers and are too scared to hurt my feelings. At the end of the session I was feeling I was listening more to their issues than my own. I am not sure if my depression is the source of my issues or a symptom of an underlining cause. The thing is in the past few years, whatever I have has begun to manifest more aggressively, psychically as well as mentally. I keep getting episodes of unexplained anger seizures, hair loss, fainting, and unexplained behavior (I am aware of what I am doing, but behave in contrast to my character, not quite my self). Couple of months ago i almost walked into traffic, and last week I lied to a friend for no reason. Does that sound like ASD? I want always so concerned with my health but the last few years have been so hard, so I finally decided to face the music and get to the bottom of it. Thank you for listening (reading) though and your suggestions, verry apreciated. -ink
  6. To me it seems very clear you have good chance of having ASD. I highly, highly suggest you look at some vlogs on Youtube for Aspergers and see what you find. The closing doors/windows rituals are a clear give away. The thing is, most neurotypicals want to get married and have kids and is a source of a lot of depression for people. Not that Im downplaying your list or anything.. but the source of your 'searching' could be a disorder which is extrmely hard to 'realize' as you figure you have it all figured out already. If you do have black and white thinking, yours is of another type then what the NT depression sufferer is experiencing as you think in black and white by nature. for NT's its very difficult for us to be trapped in this mindset. So while lists and goals are normal and logical to someone with ASD, they are not to an NT for reasons an ASD will not be able to understand. But yeah id go look at some videos.. Those with ASD are very prone to relationship problems later in life.. They usually have a great younger school life though and are told they are gifted and special. Many will never fully embrace their disorder and unfortunalty ASD the most debilitating mental disorder. ADHD is second. Depression? Meh.. A common 'cold' of the mind that can be fixed... Temporary. ASD/ADHD is there all the time 24/7.. You dont kow life without having it. That's a little too much.... I don't have ASD. No socializing problems of any kind. ASDs thrive on details and I live in the big picture. I suck at details, but i am good at analysis and quite empathetic. I don't like doors because in childhood my mother would often leave us for hours to go to work. She couldn't afford childcare and told us not to open the door to anyone. We also lived in a dangerous neighborhood and gypsies and drunks would often try to break in. My sibling and I would often get scared and we would lock upon all the hinges and prop furniture against the door. By stupid people i mean the one who have no opinion of their own. The ones that follow me mindlessly and agree with my every word. I am not that smart just know how to play the game. I find people irritating especially those who read twilight, think da vinci code is great literature, believe Obama deserved the Nobel (patronizing much?), watch reality TV, ...... desperate to fit in and never say what is on their mind. I know they are just insecure, but how can they be so spineless? I don't avoid relationships its just not my thing. I tried dating girls, guys, bi's open relationships, but they were such a mess. My partners wanted more intimacy and commitment, but I would loose interest. Apparently I am asexual, and as for kids..... I would make a horrible parent, just want to avoid causing more grief. I tend to be somewhat detached and children in early development crave intimacy. Maybe someday I could marry someone with teenagers. Today, many start families in their 30-40 so i figured there no hurry. You know how they say that to change the world you have to start with yourself and take responsibility. Think about what you can do to help? I can't just blame everything on disorders and syndromes. I know some things are out of my control, but its like religion, you can be faithful without becoming a fanatic. I wish i could think in black and white, but i am way too indecisive. My thought process is usually chaotic, so I make lists to create some form or order. It may not work for everyone, but its worth a try. And it is important to keep trying not matter what it is: new food, games, books, movies....keep changing the routine by enriching it. Just keep evolving into someone you want to be and even better. Starting a self revolution by suddenly tackling large goals can be traumatic, so just set up small ones, like making your bed, reading at least 10 p a day, exercise, practice meditation..... And its not always perfect some time you have to go back. When I was a kid i did mu best to become right-handed, I succeed, but became severely dyslexic. It took me ten years and trying all methods to recover. I still reverse numbers occasionally, but it is a huge improvement. My lists kept me going and kept me hones with my self. Sometimes i want to slack of, i m quite lazy, but as soon as I see my notes i know I have to get through the day. These lists are what probably kept me alive. I have dark episodes, when i want to die and put my self in a dangerous situation, but knowing I still have a lot to do reminds me to finish what I started. Sometimes it gets really hard to follow the plan but it is so rewarding when i do. It is important that the list is your plan independent of social approvals, be honest with your self. But also make sure not to become obsessed with the list. Set up specific hours for your routines. I made personal time limits like : no more that 2 hours a week for house cleaning, 2 hours a week for shopping, no less than 10 p a day for reading, 30 min workout each day, no longer than 15 min showers. I spend about 3 hours a day on my list and have the rest for hanging out with friends and other forms of entertainment. Keeping balance is very important. So yogamom and arieos1 dont give up, keep trying new things. Remember life is a journey not a destination, and it wont happen unless you try things. - ink
  7. ink


    I had years to analyse my dream and is seems like it might represent my anxieties. The falling in darkness could be my feeling of loosing control and not knowing what comes next. Your dream, Trueblu sound similar. May be its your confidence. Perhaps its about something you can do but not confident enough to take charge of? -ink
  8. Listing makes me feel like a dreamer, I open my mind to possibilities. Having a perspective or a map of your goals helps calm my anxieties. It is important to keep your old lists so that you can look back at them someday and appreciate your hard work. Put all of you goals there no matter how insignificant they are, and even though no one will give you a praise at the end of the day, but you will start feeling like you are finally breaking through a wall, brick by brick. It is sort of like playing a role of a classical hero, going against all odds, relying on your wits and skills. I haven't achieved everything on my lists, but I did accomplish a lot of it. My lists may seem pathetic to many people but they mean a lot to me. I usually put hard and easy tasks on my lists so that I always feel challenged but not too overwhelmed. Here are a few old lists: 8th grade list: - learn English: it was my first year in an American school. I made small goals to improve my English like hanging out only with English speakers or watching English shows. Movies were so hard for me to understand with all the slang and different state accents, but by the end of the year i could watch scooby-doo. I would read a lot too, but since i was an auditory learner music and movies were more effective. - learn to swim: at the end of the year I was 3 in the school competition for freestyle and 5 in breaststroke. - join a club: I joined drama, and basketball, for a little. I kept missing practices, so I was kicked out. Later that year i joined the soccer team, they couldn't afford to be too picky. I was a pretty good athlete and student, but had a lot of attendance and participation issues. - Read 20 books: I read only 8 that year - start dating: That didn't happen. Apparently i was too young or too great of a friend. 10th -12th grade list: - join student council: the first year i was rep, second a president, third vice - more clubs: i was in journalism, debate, book club - figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life: that didn't happen - stop smoking and drugs: success, though i started drinking a lot - guitar lessons: i gave up - piano lessons: gave up - save up $3000 for college: I saved over $5000 + a partial scholarship! - break up with all of my friends and find more wholesome characters: I still keep searching and my old friends still annoy me - learn french: didn't happen - learn to cook: didn't happen - Get passing grades: 4.GPA!- to everyone's surprise - learn to ski & skate: apparently I have no talent for winter sports Graduation list: - fin college before 25 with no dept: I did it!!!! took a lot of odd jobs....and I am broke now - find a great job: still looking - grow my hair: It's almost shoulder length now - lean to cook: I am pretty good at it - get over my closed door habit: (cant stand open doors and cabinets) I don't mind cabinets, but doors are still a problem - be more tolerant with stupid people: I still snap at them - learn to drive: I did and have a car :) (i never thought this day would come) - figure out whats is happening to my health: its still a mystery diagnosis - write a book: just started - paint: can't find the time - stop drinking: I only drink alcohol now I also make lists for each day to reach my final goals, like reading 20 pages a day from my book list collection, or cooking a new recipe. I know that is i do a little a day, I will reach my goals some day. So for every one who sometimes feels down about the future, don't give up! Try listing, keep at it and one day look back and surprise your self at how much you have accomplished. For those who want to try it out, here are some suggestions: - start a dream diary: a small notebook to carry everywhere, for listing everything you like and what to achieve. When I feel down I sometimes forget what i wanted, so it keeps me motivated. like one day i want cake, i write it in the book and some time that week i get cake. - plan out a routine to reach your goals. I sketch each day so that some day i will be a great artist. - reward your self, when you reach bigger and harder goals: I usually go drinking with friends - understand your self. If you cant do something today, its OK to do it tomorrow, so do something you can do today. Tackle small tasks first to build up your confidence and momentum. - don't forget to breath, the world doesn't end tomorrow. Remember that and take your time. You can be the turtle that beets the rabbit :) best of luck -ink
  9. Hi Mortbane I am not sure, but i sounds to me that the source is not spanking but your mother's reactions. Her distance and avoiding the matters until your father got back. Such detachments can be more painful. In my childhood I was spanked, beaten, slapped and belted (mom called it vitamin b). I had it coming half the time, but what i didn't deserve was her coldness. It hurt the most when she wouldn't even look at me. When we are small building bonds with family and friends is important. My bond with my mother was broken and now i have issues with intimacy. Its hard for me hold a proper relationship and even though i take care of people i don't care about them. It seems you avoid issues until you get hurt, something you are prepared to face because you believe you deserve it. You don't need to become a confrontational personality, just express yourself. You can start with appearance and then graduate to expressing your thoughts. Most conflicts arise out of misunderstanding and there is nothing more puzzling than silence. Your bf needs to know how you feel. -ink
  10. I also struggle with feelings and intimacy. I am good at pretending and fitting in even without emotional input, but i want to change that. Some day i want to look in the mirror and recognize someone who i used to be. Don't give up. -ink
  11. When i get anxieties about the future, I make a list. I list my priorities, goals, tasks. It gives me perspective and I can breath again. Sometime I try to build a routine, like a time of stability. The good thing about lists is that when you are done with a task or a goal you can cross it of and feel accomplishment. It reminds you that you have changed, you are better that yesterday. So my outlook it to be better than yesterday and accomplish at least a few of my goals. -ink
  12. ink


    I guess at first it was a defense mechanism. Since i couldn't cope with my issues in childhood i created a distance and detachment. I think my depression began when I started to realize how fake I am and how little I care about the people who should be important for me. A friend of mine died a couple of years ago. I helped her family with funeral arrangements and gave money and flowers. The only thing i regret is how little I cared. It was scary when I noticed that i had no emotions to her passing even though we were "friends" for two years. People kept bothering me, asking me how i was and so on. They were so worried, but didn't even consider her my friend, just some person who was always bothering me. Apparently she told everyone i was her best friend. At the funeral I did all the appropriated things and people kept praising me for what a great friend i was and what a good person, but i didn't do it for her or for their praise. Sometimes thing have to be done and since can feel anything for her i feel guilty. I try to reach for emotions but sometimes i cant find them. This makes me feel like horrible person.(shameful) I tried looking for love too, but apparently in all the wrong places. Dated a few girls, guys, bi's, tried open relationship, but as soon as they said they loved me i would pool back and hurt them. They were all so beautiful but i would lose interest as soon as we would become intimate. I didn't mean to reject them I just felt too guilty to continue the charade. I lost many friends this way too. For some reason i find their declarations of "bestie" or "buddy" irritating. I pull back as soon as they get to needy. I don't enjoy this, and it makes me feel cruel. I don't really regret past actions, things happen, but i am disappointed in who i was and who I became. Many of the people who think they know me have a very high opinion of me, but it only makes me feel like a fake. They trust me and I feel like I am betraying them. I am still trying to fix my self. I tried religions: Islam, Christianity, Buddhism. I am currently a monotheist- I believe in one God, but refuse to accept rituals a religious hierarchy. I tried working at animal shelters, orphanages, house building organisations, and environmental cleaning missions. I take care of family. So it is easy to assume that I am caring person, but the truth is i don't care and my shame keeps me doing thing out of some misguided sense of duty. I don't know if that is because i am such a selfish person who can only care about my self or if i m scared of my emotions. I know who I am but most days i can't recognize my self. I regret losing that part of me that was honest, trusting and caring. I think regretting causes depression -ink
  13. ink


    I regret doing things without caring. My superficial life style. I regret taking care of people and starting relationships without feeling anything for them. Detached relationships.
  14. Hi Aerfspv, It sounds like you have anxiety issues and difficulty with copping this them is making you sad. I had a friend with a similar story. He was a great guy but shy and insecure, which is normal when you are in high school. There is so much pressure to fit in, new posing questions, like what do you want to do with your life. You probably feel like its the end of the rope. At first he was doing ok, he studied so hard for long hours and got OK grades. Later he developed addictive habits: TV, gaming, internet browsing. Have you read the book "Menagerie" by Sharon Montrose, like in the story my friend would find temporary escape in his procrastinating and habits. He thought if he avoided the issue time would stop and his problems would go away. His problems only got worse. Many high school kids find a place of escape. Some use drugs, other games, tv, even socializing with odd characters. Anything to avoid their issues. That OK because they know they are not ready to fix it, but you need to change your habits and face your issues little by little. That year i was forced to be a class rep. I had learning and social issues in elementary school because of my dyslexia brought on by my teachers forcing me to become a right handed. By the time i was in high school i had overcome my issues and had no social or education problems. Life was easy, but i still hated high school- it felt like some bad social experiment, mental institution. My escape has heavy drinking and occasional drug use. It got pretty bad in 11th grade. I started hiding in the library to avoid people noticing my hang over. I got good grades but my studies were so superficial- which i regret now. I should have studied with more passion. That when i met my friend, apparently he was my classmate. He was playing one of those annoying game boys hiding in the foreign lit section. With time we started talking. He was so supportive to my issues. a good shoulder to cry on. he didn't talk much, so he was a great listener. he helped me stop drinking. I started taking him to hangouts. It was painful how shy he was and cautious too. I realized i could change him. I gave him plenty of chances. He was getting p***** at me an said it was to hard for him. Well the truth is that it was hard for everyone but we get over it in our own ways. As easy as i had it it was all work. My work wasn't as hard because i did a little each day, on my own pace. I showed him my notebook, my compulsive notes of what and when to do. Every day till 5 i had a work out or training, school, council meetings, babysitting and hmk. It wasn't the best plan but it worked for me. The important thing is not to give up. We fought. Years later we found each other on face book. He was a different guy with a job and friends. He said he tried the lists and they helped him put things in perspective. He still plays a lot of games, but has at least 3 hours for other tasks that help him reach his goals. He still cant find interests, but he is trying and that is OK. It takes some people half a lifetime to figure out what they want. So relax, you have plenty of time. Try making some lists. Nothing big just 3 things at a time. Highlight your priorities and set up time for each. I never spent more that 2 hours on hmk in high school. High school is just a system, play it out and possibly learn something. I know they are not very stimulating with their recycled middle-school material. If you like videos there are great documentaries about the great past and cool science sites on the web. all the luck -ink
  15. I love lists and goals, its almost compulsive :) - get a better job...need more money - figure out whats wrong with my health, many issues, mostly incompetent doctors. - fix my appearance: get in shape for the new job - get rid of my drinking friends: the red alcohol acid is taking its tall on my stomach and am growing a alcohol belly/ got to stop drinking - Start wring a fiction book: work on character development. I have the basics of the plot figured out, but only 3 characters fully defined. Wraith- the mad king, with many secrets Leon-the classical hero for justice, but in the end he brings hell with good intentions Reverie- day dreamer, the passive hero, talented swordsman It will probably never be published, but it feels good to submerge into my day-dreams.
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