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Incinderslie

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Incinderslie last won the day on June 7 2013

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About Incinderslie

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  1. "All they that with strange sadness in their eyes Ponder in silence o'er earth's queynt devyse?" ive been practicing mindfulness, the supposed great relief, the ability to increase our capacity to bear pain....all I've learned is that my internal world consists of a succession of unpleasant sensations. Sensations that need discharge, that bid me to cry or be cruel. I've taken to drinking, it's an offering to my pain, a cushion for my sorrow and rage to sit on and feel more at home and be less possessive of me; but it backfires and rebounds doubly the next day. So often I think of the final sweet release, but there's pleasure enough in this world that I can let nature run its callous course, and let it be.
  2. There is a pain - so utter - It swallows substance up - Then covers the Abyss with Trance - So Memory can step Around - across - upon it - As One within a Swoon - Goes safely - where an open eye - Would drop Him - Bone by Bone
  3. So hopeless. And I hate when people knowingly nod "yes, and this too shall pass". Yea, maybe for a brief cosmic moment I won't want my life to end abruptly, but after the distraction is gone and it's just me, i'm right back there listing to "suicide is painless" on repeat. I wish someone would just say "yes, it is hopeless, all you can ever do is manage your pain and maintain until you lay the losing card". I only have so many years left here, how barren it is. My life started at one end of death valley, and will end at the other, and the whole path is hot and empty. I used to stay alive because "you never know what's around the corner, it could get better". No, it can't. Everyone's circumstances are different, and some people get the worst of it. We need to let these people go softly into the night, let them leave their pain behind. That's the kindest thing we can do. I stick around for food. Enchiladas, mozzarella sticks, philly cheesesteaks, numero uno pizza, it's enough to keep me kickin. And my girlfriend, she wouldn't take it well. For who would bear the Whips and Scorns of time, The Oppressor's wrong, the proud man's Contumely, The pangs of despised Love, the Law’s delay, The insolence of Office, and the Spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his Quietus make With a bare Bodkin? Who would Fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that lack of mozzarella sticks makes us rather bear those ills we have So mcdonalds now sells mozzarella sticks with 100% real cheese (they claim) for 2$. It's pretty much the only thing I'm excited about right now. That'n a couple of netflix movies streaming right now: The Station Agent, Il Conformista, Snowpiercer, We Need to Talk About Kevin. Yep, so i'm just going to keep on truckin. I salute you fellow sufferers, and I feel sorry that you too are compelled to cling to life for such meager pleasures and weak hope. To better days friends.
  4. Yea, I've had to quit games as well. They numb the pain but really just exacerbate it. I think of pain as something that builds up and needs expression or else our physical/mental symptoms of anxiety/depression escalate. Of course, without games, my life is so barren that that in itself escalates my anxiety/depression. I've tried to get past this by day dreaming more--a sort of safe form of subconscious expression. I'm also reading a bit more, and I got lucky and found a good book that I actually enjoy, but doesn't numb the pain like games. So maybe that's part of the answer, see if there are activities you can do that allow you to enjoy yourself, BUT still allow you to feel the pain simultaneously. Of course, that's just to get you to a sustainable place, not a mentally healthy or happy one. I really don't know how to get there lol sorry.
  5. Before: General neuroticism until migraine hit. Was fatigued for several months, nauseous, couldn't think without brain fog intensifying. Couldn't leave house from depersonalization and dizziness. Regular hypochondrial panic. During: crying, suicidal ideation, anhedonia, apathy. After: mild anxiety--mostly social--mild hyperchondia, trouble falling asleep. It should be noted though, that these symptoms are contingent on how closely I follow my plan. These problems don't occur if I adhear closely. Also, this list is not exhaustive, just what I remember.
  6. I have a big problem with this, and have temporarily quit therapy because of it. My issue is that I want a more attached and connected relationship then therapists feel is healthy. They say their role is to be a mirror, to give you none of themselves, but only to reflect back you for you. But I don't need a mirror, I need someone who cares and is willing to open up to me too; and if they're not willing to do that then I'm sure not either. A one sided relationship is the definition of rejection. I'm not going to a therapist to feel rejected.
  7. Something positive. I looked back at some old journal entries and saw that I had made some statements and predictions that were very negative but that time has shown to be very false. The positive thing is, not just that those negative statements no longer apply, but at the time, I couldn't see any of them as even conceivably being false. This means that negative things that I now can't imagine not being true, could be not true. There's hope and freedoms in there somewhere heh.
  8. Hey tj. The answer is yes, you will, but there's some qualifiers. First off, we've had all the same symptoms you and I. Mine just happened 5 years later than yours. I was on zoloft for almost two years, I weaned myself off, got worse then got better. The decider in many cases (I presume) is the coping plan you have set up. (I don't mean to be cliche, but if you don't plan to succeed then you're planning to fail). There are many plans. CBT, ACT, mindfulness, etc. It depends on you and your circumstance. My plan was a two pronged approach. Mind and body. Body: breathing and muscle exercises, anchoring techniques of mindfulness that help me be aware and diffuse the immediate physical anxiety. To separate me from the thoughts, "it's not I who think I have a brain tumor, it's the anxiety" (see: 'you are not your brain'). But those techniques are only stop gap measures, like zoloft, that treat the symptoms and not the "disease". For that, I took a mind approach. Mindfulness: become aware and get in touch with my deeper feelings, behind the defense mechanisms and rationalizations, grow those immature feelings and thoughts to a healthier state, and under no circumstances repress as is my habit. This is helping me to find me and be me, which releases me from feelings of failure and inadequacy and the general sense of wrongness that followed me through every moment of time. I did this with the help of books and therapists and the 'letting in' of ones close. It seems like for you, it'd be best to stay on the zoloft until you habituate some body coping mechanism. Those would give you the muscles you need to stand without a crutch. Then come up with a mind plan (preferably with a therapist), at which point you can decide whether it would be better to be on or off Zoloft as you travel the mind part (for me I needed to be off Z but that's rare I believe). It's only a matter of time and effort now, gl and feel free to ask any questions.
  9. Yea I really phoned it in for my degree. The problem is we get this message that says if you don't go to college and get a lucrative job...well, then you're just not worth the space you take up. I don't know who decided this but they're running our self-esteem. We should be allowed to do non-college work and not feel like a failure, but we just aren't. You could always become a Buddhist though. So there's that.
  10. In the top 1% or you're a failure? Ya I have that same black and white thinking. You probably, on some level, believe you'll never get that love you need if you aren't a 1%er. A friend of mine went to a top20 school, and when he only got in to a 12 placed law school he quit because it just wasn't enough. Because of that same belief. He solved his problem by becoming the thing he hated: a party guy. But he feels better now. Read stoicism and party hard. It might be you're only hope.
  11. Yea, you definitely can't compare yourself to other people, it never really makes you feel good. Take me for example, most days I just think of myself as a mid twenty something, trying to sort out the secrets of pleasure and pain with the help of mindfulness, doing yoga, meditating, exercising, trying to get in touch with what has real meaning to me. I'm nice to the people I meet, they seem to feel good after talking to me. I enjoy a few pages of paradise lost here and there, make some interesting comparisons with hamlet possibly, and feel generally rewarded by my experiences of the day. Then I compare myself to others... --college comparison, dreams, carrer, friendships--I have a -worthless- degree in philosophy that is excellent job repellant (can't even get hired at Barnes and noble), I tested so low on the LSAT that all my dreams are dead. My grades were poor, I have no interest in going back to school. I will never have a job that is even remotely respectable in my geo/demographic. I have no friends and tend to dislike everyone I meet, which means I have to be fake in order to not be rude. No 'passions'. No hope. My life is a series of coping strategies until the day I die, which I may or may not welcome with open arms. The point being, if you think about things from the perspective of other people, it's very easy for everything to be cast in an unfavorable light. But taken from the point of no comparison, you can create the perspective. In theory at least.
  12. I feel the big E depression too. I wonder why this seems to afflict a certain type of person. I wonder if it isn't that there is a sparse distribution highly intelligent people, meaning that the highly intelligent are a) isolated b) subject to the values (ie the definitions of success) of the majority despite seeing the absurdities therein c) etc. I feel like the only solution is Good friends or societal purpose. But a necessary condition on both of these is having 'the right' people around, something which just doesn't seem to happen.
  13. I've been exploring this issue. What I can't figure out though, is that if I'm not to adopt the value judgements of others, and I have no values of my own--how could I judge myself positively?
  14. Keep at it, it only takes 1, just one. In my 20's, it worked for me.
  15. Yup. Meaning req goals, goals req desire, and all my desires are for things that I don't really want. What to do what to do.
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