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rmc20021

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  1. I've been there...so depressed that I honestly wanted to take my life. I'm not talking about spur of the moment unhappiness about something that didn't go my way. I'm talking about the same unworthiness you feel, the same feeling of emptiness (without feeling of sadness...just no emotion whatsoever). And today, if I didn't have my grandkids to take care of that I'm responsible for, I couldn't guarantee I'd be here. My son tried to commit suicide last week. He's a drug addict who cannot find the will power to stop using drugs. He's lost everything in his life including his kids. He's stolen, lied to and hurt everyone in his life. He has been in and out of jail with so many felonies he can't find a job (or keep it due to his drug addiction}, has no car and has his license permanently suspended until he can pay over 3,000.00 to have them reinstated. His life DOES look pretty bleak. BUT...he still has choices if he would take them. He could have taken these last 4 years that his kids have been in foster care to go to school and make something of himself so he could become his own boss and not have to depend on someone else hiring him. He could have made the money to get his license back. He could have gone to rehab. He could have gone to church and met other kinds of people besides the drug addicts he hangs out with. WHAT is stopping him? Depression. When you're depressed you don't have the desire to do ANYTHING. I KNOW without a doubt that it's just a matter of time before I lose my son...there is no doubt in my mind about it. And it will **** me. I don't know if I will be able to go on without him. I already lost one son in a horrific auto accident 3 years ago and still suffer from that loss. I won't tell you you're being selfish when you think of suicide as many people believe it's a selfish act. Unless you have been in a position where you are so depressed and feel so alone you have no idea how awful that feeling is. I know I hate it. But I will tell you that what I do when I get down so bad is I finally decide to take a stand and take charge of ME. I won't let the depression win. Maybe some day, but today isn't the day.
  2. I'm sorry you feel this way, but I can so relate. I feel the exact same way. I feel as though not a person in this world cares whether I live or die. I don't bother anyone with my feelings because it doesn't seem to matter to them. I will listen to whatever anyone has to say and show interest in what they have to say...including my daughter complaining about her hemarrhoids for a week (she's 9 months pregnant and told me yesterday that I can't come to the hospital because her husbands family is going to be there and it's not fair to them if I just show up when they had already planned on being there...so yeah, totally get where you're coming from). The moment I open my mouth about anything that is going on in my life, I get absolutely no response...as though I hadn't even said a word. Like you, if I stop at a stop light, I don't look either way because I don't want anyone to notice me as I don't feel worthy. If I see someone I do know in a grocery store, I will quickly turn the other way to keep from having to speak to them because I feel as though they think anything I have to say is stupid. So yeah, I get what you're saying and I understand. I can't offer any advice because I can't even find a way to help myself. But I just wanted you to know you're not alone. My pain has become so bad that I feel complete humiliation. I feel like a shell of a person existing in life only because I have no other choice. I've built a wall so high around myself that I've stopped communicating with anyone at all...and have noticed nobody notices I'm missing...nobody cares. I wish I could find words to encourage you, but if I knew what those words were, I'd be able to convince myself as well. I'm here if you want to talk...maybe between the two of us we could come up with a way to support each other.
  3. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my son who was running from the police tired to commit suicide last week by overdosing. It was intentional. He's now in jail and I can at least feel confident he is safe. I hadn't even told my daughter about this...because there's a huge age gap between them and she's never cared for him and thinks he's a piece of crap. Well, I don't approve of anything he's been doing, but he IS my son and I DO love him regardless. I tried explaining to her how broken I feel having lost my youngest son and how my other son tried to commit suicide last week, how much I need the kids I have left. Even that didn't phase her. She didn't even acknowledge I'd told her...absolutely no reaction whatsoever. She has no compassion when it comes to me. I honestly would not wish this pain on anyone, but right now I wish she could feel it just for a few minutes to know how badly it hurts.
  4. Well, that was short lived...back to where things started except I feel more pain than I ever have except when my son was killed. My daughter knew I wanted to come to Tennessee when she had her baby. As with babies, you don't know the exact date they are going to be here. He was due on the 13th, so I was sure he would 'hopefully' be here before this coming weekend. My grandkids have half day of school Friday so I thought we could leave right after they got out of school and could spend the weekend with my daughter and her family and my new grandson. Then, my daughter discovered they are going to induce her this Saturday if he hasn't arrived by then. I told my daughter we would arrive Friday. Well, that's no good. My daughter told me we can't come because her husbands familly is going to be there. I'm devestated more than ever. I've explained to her that I don't understand why BOTH families cannot be there for the birth of this baby...that it's not a competition. Her answers are that I have spent more time with them than her husbands family. The situation with that is that *I've* made the effort to go see my daughter. In 3 years she has come home 2 times for a total of one week altogether. His family has been there to visit them 2 times and they have traveled to Texas many, many times to see 'his' family, spending up to 3 weeks at a time. When their first daughter was born, they went to 'his' family's for a baby shower (I live in Michigan so it's much too far for me to drive there). When they got engaged, they went to 'his' family's to celebrate. When they got married, they went to 'his' family's for the ceremony. When they had the shower for this second baby, they went to 'his' family's. All these special times in my daughter's life I have been excluded from and the pain is unbearable. I have no problem that she is married and has an additional family. I'm NOT jealous. I'm just hurt that I am left out of everything. And NOW, I cannot attend my grandson's birth even though I'm in a position to do so because I have to remember that my son in law has family too. It seems to me that my daughter needs to remember that SHE has family too and stop pushing me away. Oh my God it hurts so bad. She's called me immature because I've tried to explain how hurt I am...without trying to make her look bad, just explaining that I cannot understand why both families cannot be there. She's called me selfish because I didn't mention anything to my other daughter about the thought of coming down there. Well the reason I didn't was because first of all, I had no idea when it would be. Second, I've been so hurt by the one daughter's attitude towards me that I've isolated myself from everyone. I feel as though I've become just a shell of a person. I feel hurt, abused, and humiliated. Another reason I didn't say anything to my other daughter about going down there was because with her job she works weekends and has to miss work to be able to go and has to give enough notice so they could put it onto the schedule. She cannot afford to miss work as she just missed a week from an abscessed tooth, plus she missed work to go down there in November. I already pay her car insurance, on the car that *I* gave her. I'm not complaining about it, I'd gladly give the shirt off my back to my kids. But to be called selfish when I do everything I can for my kids just plain hurts. And the final reason I didn't say anything to daughter about going down there was because the last time we went I paid for everything (again, not complaining), but my duaghter (and her boyfriend who also went) tried to control when we left and did nothing but complain the entire time, so I had decided also that I wanted a more peaceful trip. I know that if I didn't have my grandkids to be responsible for that I would feel no reason to be here. My daughter has become the most selfish, insonsiderate person I know and the things she says to me these days hurts so bad. I haven't been able to sleep or eat and all I do is cry all day long. I've tried to explain to her that I don't feel any diffferent than any other mother/grandmother would feel at a time like this...but she doesn't seem to care, she just makes up more excuses why I can't be there...one being that they are coming up in February anyways so I just need to save my money. They aren't going to come in February, any more than they have come all the other times they have said they were coming and never did...and she's moving to Texas at the end of February now. I have no idea if/when I'll ever be able to see her again, or my beautiful grandkids. I don't understand how she can be so thoughtless. Aside from the pain, I'm now becoming angry and just want to tell her to forget she has a mother until she can start treating me like a mother. I don't want to know when she has the baby (which she told me she was going to inform me by 'mass' text) and I don't want to see pictures of him and IF she does come in February that I don't want to see her. I want to tell her that every time she looks in the mirror I want her to think about how much she's hurt me. I want to tell her that as she looks into her newborn son's face with all the love in her heart for him, that's the same way I felt the day she was born and for her to think about me sitting at home at that same moment with my heart torn to pieces. This isn't as though we've had bad blood between us...if it was, it wouldn't hurt nearly so much. She was a momma's girl...right up until the day she got with her husband. She ALWAYS considered my feelings and if she thought she did something to hurt me, she quickly apologized. I was able to feel her love. I feel nothing from her any more. She doesn't even have any friends any more because everyone she's ever been friends with, her husband tells her he doesn't like them so she shuts them out. I feel she's doing the same thing to me. He was raised by his aunt because his parents were/are drug addicts and first off, she spoiled him beyond belief so I think he feels EVERYONE should treat their kids the way she does. She makes his plate of food for him, ironed his underwear etc. The other thing I think he has issues with is because he doesn't have his 'real' parents, so he doesn't want her to either. He may not tell her directly, but I know from things my other daughter has told me that he makes little digs that I'm sure my daughter feels obligated to back up his feelings about. I'm so sad I can't stand it. I feel the worst pain ever...and the saddest part of it all is that she does not care how badly I feel. People tell me she will come around someday...well, if/when someday ever gets here, all these moments in her life will have passed and cannot ever be repeated. There is no bringing it back, or making it up. And right now, the pain and distance in our relationship feels beyond repair. My heart is so broken...and I don't know what to do. I just feel like I want out of this pain it's so unbearable. I need her to understand how bad she's hurting me. I need her to care enough how much she's hurting me. I dont' want sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to feel as though I matter enough to my daughter to not be pushed out of her life, the life of my grandkids.
  5. I finally did message my daughterr last night. I couldn't take it any longer and on my facebook I follow Joel Olstein. His messages kept jumping out at me to let go so I did. The first thing my daughter did was jump down my throat about something someone else had told her I had said about her husband...which was not true. Although he does not help her and I know there are things she's not happy about with him, and is very set in his ways, I do love him as a son for the good in him, and because my daughter loves him so much. Anyways we got all the bad out of the way...but there's still so many things in my life that keeps me unhappy. Things I have no control over, things that continue to hurt me and haunt me. Having my daughter back though means the world to me. Oh, and yes you can definitely have your tubes reversed successfully. I had mine done and became pregnant 6 months later, but had a miscarriage at 4 months, then became pregnant again and gave birth to a very healthy 12 pound baby girl. 15 months later I had another baby and then had another miscarriage after that....so I was pregnant 4 times after having my tubes reversed. Insurances do not cover the expense, however the doctor I used categorized it as a tubal blockage that he had opened so my insurance covered it all...it was probably illegal to do it that way, but it was on the doctor's shoulders, not mine as he was the one doing the billing.
  6. I don't even know where to begin...I feel so lost, hurt and broken. I'm the mother to 6 kids who I spent my entire life raising by myself with no help from their dad, and only received child support the last 2 years of the youngest two until they turned 18. My 22 yo daughter used to be the most loving and understanding of all my kids and I could always count on her to understand me when nobody else did. She showed her love for me every day. 2 years ago she met a guy and they had a baby. Since the day she became official with him, she has turned her back on me and treated me as though I don't exist. I'm not the interferring, hovering kind of mother. I let my kids move on with their lives and never interfere. Recently we got into a huge argument which started out with me telling her I had just shoveled 4 inches of snow. I'm 60 yo so it's not such an easy task. She just started going off on me about one thing after another saying hurtful, untrue things to me...this has been 3 weeks ago and I haven't spoken to her since. She's due to have a baby any day. I feel as though the things she said to me is the true way she feels about me and it hurts so bad I can't get over it. I gave so much of my life for her, and never even realized all through the years how I'd made her my number one child until now. I got her a car when she was 15 so she could learn how to drive the stick shift of the car she had picked out months before. I sold my home so we could buy property so she could have horses due to her passion for horses...and we lived in a camper on that property for a year. I had my tubes tied after my last child before her and had gone back and had them undone so I could have her. I've ALWAYS been the only one there for her since the day she was born that she knew she could count on and now because she's married...she doesn't want me in her life. I swear I have done absolutely nothing but support whatever she wanted whether I agreed with it or not. Her husband does NOTHING for her...sits on his butt in front of the tv on video games all day, or out golfing, playing football or hanging with his friends. She no longer has any friends because 'he' doesn't like them so she's stuck home with the baby all day and now having another any day. They are both in the army and will be getting out very soon and moving to Texas with his family. I see disaster coming, but i keep my mouth shut. With all this being said, I feel as though I'm dying inside. I feel like an empty torn shell. I feel humiliated. If this was the only thing going on in my life it wouldn't be quite so bad, but there's more and with it all added up, I sometimes wonder how I can go on to the next day. My youngest son was killed in a car accident 3 years ago. My oldest son is a drug addict and I have his 2 children I'm raising as my own now. He is on the run from the police and will serve a lengthy time in jail when caught. I feel like the world's worst mother and feel as though none of my kids even care how broken I feel. They think I should just suck it up and don't want to hear a word about how hurt and shameful I feel. If I didn't have my grandkids to raise, I couldn't promise I'd still be here. It feels as though nothing is ever going to change. People say that it will, but this crap has been going on for over 4 years and I just cannot take another moment of it. I have no health insurance so cannot go for therapy. I have nobody to talk to. I just want to scream and bang on something until I have no strength left to lift my arms. I want to disappear into the woodwork...heck, I already feel as though I have disappeared into the woodwork as it feels as though nobody cares. There is no happiness, no joy, no energy to get from one day to the next...and here I am at 60 yo trying to raise kids who I never asked for. I just cannot take this pain any more. It wouldn't be so bad if I could even think there was a possibility of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel...but I've been patiently waiting, and there's been nothing. I don't think there ever will be. I want my family back like it used to be where I felt happy to have everyone together. Where I felt as though I was loved. It all feels so useless to think of anything like that any more. I wake up in the morning crying. I go to bed at night crying. I sit all day long feeling isolated, lonely, humiliated and hated. I did not deserve any of the words my daughter said to me, but it shows me how she really feels about me now, even though all the things she said was lies. Part of me thinks she is really not so happy with her marriage as she wants to believe she is and is taking all her own hurt out on me. I can't go to her and tell her how I feel...I tried when she was attacking me with her words. I never said one single thing negative to her, just tried to let her know how what she was saying made me feel...and she didn't care, she just kept saying the horrible mean things to me. I don't want to talk to her because I feel she was so wrong in what she did, yet she's due to have a baby any day which I'm going to miss now. I don't feel I can approach her without her thinking it's ok for her to talk to me like that. My heart is breaking so bad I don't know what to do...but I can't keep on like this.
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