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About DeeBear

  • Birthday 10/12/1972

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    My interests were old cars, reading, sci fi, and tropical plants. Now it's just recovery.

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  1. Terrible day. I went to buy groceries and anxiety started kicking my ass. By the time I got out of the store I felt like I was being electrocuted. That same old feeling, like my body was vibrating uncontrollably. I was so tired by the time I got home that I passed out on the couch and slept really hard. Now, of course, I can't sleep. I'm so tired of being broken. I don't understand why it has to be this way. I just want to be okay. But I don't know how.
  2. Having a down day today. I had trouble getting to sleep last night, and my dog woke me up early, so I was tired to begin with. Then I started going through some of my things in that drawer full of memories. I found some cards from my college girlfriend. It hit me hard. I really did love her, but in the end she stopped loving me. I found out later that she had been seeing someone behind my back. She told me that she didn't meet him until we broke up, but a mutual friend claimed to have seen her out with him while we were still together. Then she married him like five months later. I saw her in the grocery store not long after, but she didn't see me, and I tried to escape, but she caught me at the door. She told me, with no compassion or sense of irony whatsoever, that she had moved out into the country, and even had dogs in the house. Those were things that she absolutely refused to consider when we were talking about getting married. I was told we were going to live right next door to her parents. I was told when we were getting married. I was told that if things didn't work out, we'd just get a divorce, as if that wasn't a big deal. I was told a lot of things. And I wasn't allowed to disagree. If I tried to tell her what I wanted, she'd just end the conversation and accuse me of not wanting to talk about things. I also found pictures of my parents as a young couple. They looked so happy, and ended up so miserable. I guess I got miserable before we got married but I only ended up with a different kind of sorrow. I'm glad I didn't marry her, because we would have been miserable. Sometimes I wonder if she ever really cared for me at all. I wasn't worth compromising with, my opinion on things was irrelevant. Deep down, I think I agreed with her, but something in me rebelled and we split up. At least I didn't make the mistake my parents made, but it still hurts to this day. I know it would have hurt even more if we'd gotten married, and had kids, and then divorced. But it hurts being alone, too. I burned the cards. I only wish I could burn the memories.
  3. Sometimes I miss being able to pretend to be someone else, but the mask slipped and I don't think I can go back. I still pretend around my parents, but I think they at least suspect I'm pretending. I got sick of putting on that show too, and it's liberating in a way. But it's also like losing someone you care about, that person you pretended to be. Thanks for reading, and for understanding.
  4. I'm still me. There's no pill that can fix that. There's no counseling strategy that will change that. I feel like I'm just running out the clock at this stage of my life. Nothing to look forward to. Just getting older and older until.... I've thought about going back to counseling, but I really don't see the point. It's either they try to distract me from my problems, or they rip open old wounds and then move on like nothing happened. At best counseling has been ineffectual, at worst, traumatic. I'm on a new med that helps the depression but keeps the anxiety stirred up. I'm better than I have been in a long time, but... I'm still me. I could pretend to be somebody else, as a matter of fact, for many years I pretended to be someone else. Someone who didn't panic at gatherings, someone who was outgoing, someone who was always making people laugh...then I'd go home and collapse. I can't do that anymore. I don't have the energy. I never had a family because the idea of letting someone get close to me was terrifying. Is terrifying. I'll always be alone. And I'll always be me. And I think that's the most terrifying thought my mind can conjure.
  5. It seems this October is going to be a busy one. I got word that a friend of mine passed away this morning. His son - also a friend - called, and he was so broken up I didn't ask any questions. He asked if I would be a pallbearer, and of course I said yes. He'd been battling Alzheimer's the past few years, which my grandparents on my mother's side both had. At least I think my grandpa had it in the end, I don't know if he was ever diagnosed with it - but he had it, or some other type of dementia. My anxiety is flaring up, thinking about going to another funeral, but I'm going. I may spill my marbles all over the place afterwards, but I have to go to this one. October still sucks. Eleven days in. Twenty left to go.
  6. As an 80's kid into guitar, Eddie Van Halen was a big part of the soundtrack of my formative years. I was inspired to play by his rival, Ozzy Osbourne guitarist Randy Rhoads, but before discovering Randy's music, I remember playing air guitar to 'Hot for Teacher.' It was the 1987 release of the Ozzy Osbourne/Randy Rhoads 'Tribute' album five years after Randy's death that made me pick up guitar, and soon Eddie became one of the guitarists I listened to and learned from. Oddly enough, I just recently played through part of 'Hot for Teacher' the other day, probably for the first time in years. I had trouble remembering the verse at first, but it came back to me eventually. It's strange to think he's gone now. Death is still busy in October. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital for a cardiac catheterization, one more test to be sure my heart is healthy, as my cardiologist puts it, to "make sure what happened to dad won't happen to you." Seeing as he died at age 31 and I'm 47, I don't see how that's possible... I dread it. The nurse called today to schedule the test, and just the day before the test tells me that I need someone to drive me home....and I told her, truthfully, that I don't have anyone to drive me. Not on such short notice. To me it's kind of funny that she was so shocked, but I get it. Most people aren't hermits with avoidant personality disorder. To me, her world, where everybody has someone available to help them is alien. "O brave new world, That has such people in't." — William Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act V, Scene I Guess I'll just have to nap in the parking lot if I'm too drowsy to drive. I grew up expecting to die young like my dad, but instead of inheriting heart disease, I inherited EVERYTHING else that he, my mom, and both sets of grandparents had, with the exception of Alzheimer's. So far. Dad's life was short and full of heartache. Mine has been longer and full of heartache. I'm not sure which is better.
  7. Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my grandpa's death. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I never got over my dad's death when I was ten. That anniversary is coming up this month as well. It's why I hate October. It's the worst time of the year for me, even worse than Christmas. And all the lovely Halloween imagery keeps reminding me that this is the month they died. I've tried counseling, but it didn't help. If anything, it just made things worse. My feelings were just minor little things that I should just get over. But I didn't. If I could just get over it, I wouldn't have been in therapy. Maybe I should give it another try, but I just don't believe it would help. It never has before. I feel like the only thing I'm good at is hurting. It's the only thing that I haven't failed at.
  8. Last week I fell into a major depressive episode. I always wrack my brain looking for reasons why I fall into these spells, leading me to waves of anxiety that something has gone horribly wrong. Once I fell into a bad episode, and later found out that my parents' dog had passed away on that very day, and I had no way of knowing. So when these spells start, my anxiety tells me that something is terribly wrong, that the worst things I can imagine have happened and I just haven't found out yet. I have had several vivid dreams, including one in which my stepdad was sick and in the hospital. That hasn't happened, but thoughts keep churning in my head. I wish these episodes happened for a reason, but most of the time, they don't. Sh*t happens. And it stinks. Today I woke feeling as if someone had beat the hell out of me in my sleep. I slept until 11, got up for a time, and just laid back down and slept the afternoon away. I recalled brief scenes from dreams last night...several different dreams. It's as if I wore myself out dreaming so many dreams., and had to rest this afternoon from all the dreams last night. Yesterdays pile up faster and faster, while tomorrows just get darker and darker. And I dread them. I just can't seem to imagine anything good happening in my life. I'm wondering if my meds are doing anything anymore, or if it's just my age and my slowing down so much in recent years. But again, there may be no external cause for it at all. It just is what it is. And there's nothing or nobody to blame. It's just my soul's wounds reopening again. That which doesn't **** you sometimes just wounds you for life.
  9. I am so tired. My body feels like it's on fire. Roasting from the inside out. Each spring I work to build myself back up, to get outside and be active, but each year it gets harder and harder. I've been in pain the last couple of days, since I mowed the yard. Not only is my energy lower than ever, I keep taking longer and longer to recover when I have triggered my fibro. If it feels like this at 47, I don't know how much more I can take. And my mood...is terrible today. I kept waking up in a sweat last night and I feel like I didn't get any rest. I do not have a fever, and I didn't eat anything that would drive my blood sugar up, so I don't know why that's happening. I feel like my dreams are wilting and dying. I don't have the energy to accomplish much of anything. I'm just so sick of fighting it all.
  10. I have been thinking about blogging here again for quite some time, but I kept putting it off. I just don't feel motivated to do much of anything, much less blogging again. My world has shrunk down to almost npthing. People I worked with for a decade now pass me by as if I'm a stranger. I haven't seen or heard from the few friends I had in a very long time. I am now alone. I guess I feel as free as I can now, no longer living in fear of social interactions. But...I can't escape sorrow, only parts of it. I miss several people I was close to that have passed away, but I can't allow myself to let anyone new into my life. The last person who I let in was a friend who fell in love with me. I didn't feel that way about her, and I still feel guilty about distancing myself from her, but I had to, for both me and her. I don't think I'm even capable of romantic love anymore. When someone starts getting close, I run away. I am antiman - the opposite of man. I am only alone when I'm around others. And like antimatter contacting matter, I feel like letting others in would result in total annihilation. I'm just not a social animal, and mostly I'm okay with that. I am afraid of being vulnerable, of needing the help of others, because there's no one in my life that I'm close to except my parents and my dog. Losing my dad when I was ten broke my heart. Losing my grandpa in 2015 broke it again. I don't know how to heal from it. Five years later, I still feel like the wound is fresh. I feel like I'm just waiting to die. I just hope the other side is better than this. If it's not...I guess I'll be a failure in the afterlife as well.
  11. I am exhausted. Unfortunately, that's not new. I've been exhausted for so long I don't remember the last time I felt well. My body is on fire from fibromyalgia pain, and I've simultaneously felt the icy cold, jittery, vibrating sensation of anxiety. Like grabbing an electric fence. And holding on to it all day. Cold fire. On this day in 2015, the doctors removed my grandpa from life support and I watched him slowly drift away. I've been thinking for some time now that my heart can't be broken again, but I was wrong. Each time you break a stick in half, it gets harder and harder to break again, and I had foolishly convinced myself that the same was true of my heart, but today has proven me wrong. That which doesn't **** you sometimes hurts you for the rest of your life. And I still have the anniversary of my father's death coming up soon as well. It's going to be a white knuckle ride getting through this month. Every year the same milestones come and go, and nothing changes, nothing gets better, nothing gets easier... I feel like I keep driving past the same milestones over and over again but still I'm surprised at how hard it is to watch them go by. I guess I'll just have to give up on the idea that life will get better. It wasn't meant to get better for me. I'm just running out the clock.
  12. DeeBear


    I know exactly how you feel. Feelin' it right now.
  13. I love 55-56 Chryslers and Desotos. One of the most beautiful body styles ever, especially the 56 models with the larger fins. Oh God, the phone... I hate it when the phone rings. I wouldn't have one at all if it weren't necessary in today's world. I couldn't have said it better...
  14. I used to hate "The Office" because it gave me flashbacks. Most of the characters I worked for were almost as smart as the ones on that show, but they were much more hateful and conniving. I can laugh about it now. Mostly. I had several horrible bosses, and a couple of great ones. It's a completely different workplace when you have a terrible boss. For me, the trigger is a knock at the door. I sometimes freak out when I hear a knock on t.v. It's terrible to have to deal with that at work. BTW, love the 56 Desoto ragtop!
  15. Thanks for reading guys. I never used to understand that quote because I was often distracting myself with things I wanted to do, but now... I'm exhausted and I don't function anywhere near as highly as I used to. Now it makes sense to me, unfortunately.
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