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  1. kindohioguy

    So Afraid..

    Well, the past few days have been so difficult. I haven't been taking the paxil for about a month, and once again I felt good for the first couple of weeks or so but have gradually become more and more anxious and depressed. The feelings of anxiety and sometimes even panic are something that i just don't know how to handle. I take the anti anxiety meds to help with the panic but end up sleeping a good portion of the day then. I don't want to take the paxil....it has so many bad side effects that i can't function. I'm not really functioning either way though. This is the vicious cycle that i have been dealing with for years. I can't funtion on the meds, and can't function off of them. It's going to be a year in September since i lost my job. I need to find work. I can't get disability, can't get any public assistance, and the retirement money is dwindling. I think the panic feelings are much worse with this hanging over me....what am i going to do? What will happen to me when the money runs out and i have no way to pay the bills anymore? The only person i have much contact with is my sister. She is very selfish. She doesn't want to hear anything about how i am feeling, she says it is too hard to listen to and she doesn't want anything negative in her life. It hurts me so much because I really don't have anyone else. She never hesitates to ask me for things though, and she expects me to help her no matter what. If i don't help then i am ignored. She knows full well how isolated i am and that i depend on the relationship we have. It is very hurtful. I can't imagine that i will ever make her understand how i feel. I don't want to distance myself from her and my nephew. I don't have anyone else. Since i don't know how to handle it, i just try to overlook as much as i can and not show how upset it makes me. I wish i didn't feel so bad about myself. I can't imagine how i would make a new friend. I don't think i am good friend material anyway. I have too much baggage. I am supposed to go tomorrow to a meeting to find out if i can qualify for assistance in finding a job and maybe getting some training. I am so afraid to go. I don't know how i am going to get there. I know from past times going through this anxiety and panic about doing something that i will be fine if i just get myself there. Why can't i stop feeling this way? Why cant i just do what i need to do? It's SO hard. I think every day about how much i wish i didn't have to be here anymore.... Is this how it's going to be always?
  2. kindohioguy

    The First Day...

    I have been trying to figure out a way to let out some of the thoughts and feelings and memories and just crap that i have going on in my head most of the time. I have been told that i suffer from depression, anxiety, social phobia. I've been told these things for years, but it doesn't really matter what you call it i guess. Putting a label on how i feel certainly hasn't helped me feel any better. I have had small periods of time where things have been more bearable, and easier to cope with, but pretty much i have felt this way for much of my life. I can remember as a child feeling some of these things and not understanding what was wrong with me. My family certainly wasn't an understanding bunch. Some of my earliest memories are of my siblings teasing me, picking on me, or just wanting me to leave them alone. My father worked alot, and when he wasn't at work i remember him being angry. My Mother i think had alot of the same things going on that i do, but of course none of us are the same and her problems were her own and unique to her. Over the years, things became too hard for me to handle on my own, and i sought out help from family doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors of different types. I've tried so many different kinds of meds that i can't even remember all of the names anymore. So many different doses and combinations. Here and there I would have periods of feeling better or more able to cope. It never lasted though. I would get so out of it with the medication that i would end up feeling that the meds were causing me more harm than good, and i'd get frustrated because i wasn't feeling better, but now had all of these side effects to deal with too. Eventually i'd stop taking the meds, feel OK for awhile, until the next life crisis came along and i would spiral down into a depressed and anxious mess. Over the past year i have gone through this same scenario once again. I had been on meds for a couple of years, and was coping(barely), when i was fired from my job of 15 years. I have no doubt from talking to people afterwards, and from my own knowledge of people that were in management that i was let go because of my "issues". I was hard to get along with at times, and didnt just go with the flow so i was a problem employee. Of course that wasn't the reason they used to get rid of me. I had broken a company policy. A policy that had been broken many times by others and it was overlooked or condoned, but this was their chance to not have to deal with me anymore. I don't blame them. I was at the top of my pay scale, and caused problems for management. I'm sure they are relieved to be rid of me. My life since this happened has been just awful. I lost my income, my health insurance, and any form of coping that i had went right out the door. I fought for my unemployment and lost. I applied for disability through social security because of my depression and anxiety and was denied after a long process. I've had to file for bankruptcy, and gone through a good portion of my retirement savings. I found out that there was a way for me to see a doctor for my meds and another for counseling and not have to pay because i have no income, but i have to say i am not impressed with the care that i get....but where else can i go? I have had my meds switched around with little to no success. I feel so much worse as the days go by. I can't imagine what medication or advice would help me. I have tried so many things. My anxiety has kept me from looking for work....and i am in a dark dark place. No friends, very little family contact(which isn't surprising), and so much anger, and sadness, and anxiety, and pain. I read things online, or in books. Nothing ever really seems to make a difference. I've never attempted suicide....never had the courage. I think about it all the time though....I have for years. There always seemed to be something to keep me from it. Now i don't see why i should stay here anymore. I am so tired.....weary of trying. Why would i want to stay here and do this any longer? For what? I don't understand what the point is...
  3. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for years. Social phobias have always held me back. I've taken so many different meds and talked to psychologists, psychiatrists, family doctors.... At this stage of my life, i think back and wonder how i have made it this far. It's been such a struggle, and it has not only affected me, but all those around me as well. My current meds keep me from freaking out, but i don't enjoy anything at all. I've always thought things like... I just need to find the right doctor, or the right medication, and i will finally feel better.....I will finally be able to have a life like other people. But no, that has not been the case. I feel like I don't know what the point is?? I have managed to stay alive, but for what? I have lost any friends i did have, not close to any family, my parents are both gone now and i depended on them SO much. I managed to hold a job for the last 14 years, but that too has ended a couple of months ago. The one person that i have any type of relationship with is my sister, she lives nearby, but now she talks most of the time about moving out of state. It causes such anxiety and sadness to think of what i will do when she does move away. I made an ap;pointment to see a new psychologist next week. I will start the whole stupid process over again...but this isn't living.
  4. Thanks so much for the information! I will be speaking to someone from social security to see if i qualify for SSI through the state of Ohio. I am assuming since i do have money in a retirement fund, that i will not qualify, but i am going to go through the interview anyhow. I did read that it is possible to get SSI benefits right away while i wait to hear about the SSDI case. I am not sure if this is something that is possible or not? I guess it really doesn't matter if i don't qualify anyhow. I am really at a loss as to what i am supposed to do while i am waiting for the SSDI case to be processed. I have no income because my unemployment was denied, and even though i am going through an appeals process for that right now i am not feeling very confident. The only assistance i have been approved for is food assistance. I am waiting to hear about assistance with my utilities. Is the only cash assistance thats available the SSI if you are disabled? I just hate to go through the retirement funds that it took me so many years to accumulate. They aren't that substantial anyhow. I keep telling myself to take things one day at a time, but my anxiety level is very high. Just have to wait and see what happens and do the best i can i guess. Thank again for the info!
  5. I have made an appointment with local mental health facility that will work with me since i have no health insurance at this time. I am hopeful that this will be the first step in finding out what is truly going on with me. I have tried so many meds over the years, but nothing has ever seemed to help much. I am told that i will be evaluated by a counselor and then referred to a psychiatrist in their organization. Of course my goal is to feel better, but i am also hopeful that this will help the disability process along. I have applied for SSDI and SSI here in Ohio. I am pretty sure i understand the differences between the two, but i don't know for sure how soon i can get the SSI assistance. I have been told that i may be able to get the state assistance right away while the SSDI process is going through. The worst part of all of this is that on top of already feeling horrible with the depression, anxiety, up and down moods, etc... I have to try to deal with all of this. It's extremely difficult to say the least! I have read alot about bipolar disorder, and feel that there is a good chance that i may be suffering from some form of that, but i will have to see what the professionals say. There is a family history of depression, anxiety, etc... but as far as i know there was never anyone diagnosed as being bipolar.
  6. Thank you so much for the replies and all of the information! It really is overwhelming right now trying to keep everything straight and trying to figure out all of the things i need to do and to take care of. Since i am fighting over my unemployment benefits with the state of Ohio and my former employer it adds one more thing to the list. I have a phone interview this week with someone from SSA to apply for the SSI benefits. I am pretty sure that this should be pretty brief and painless. I am trying to find a psychiatrist i can see also, and hope that it won't take too long to get in to see someone. It causes alot of extra anxiety on top of what i already had, so it is difficult, but hopefully i will see some results soon. Thanks again!
  7. I have been treated for years for major depression and anxiety. Many different meds, and talking to i don't know how many psychologists. I have read alot about bipolar disorder and feel that i definately suffer from this, but my family doctor who has prescribed my meds for years has always been reluctant to say i am bipolar. Now that i am in a situation where i need to apply for disability he finally suggests that i talk to a psychiatrist. I am assuming that once i do talk to the new DR that he/she will be able to figure out if i am truly bipolar?? Is it difficult for them to come up with a diagnosis? Any info would be much appreciated! I don't know what to expect when i go to see the psychiatrist...??
  8. I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety for years. I'm 43 now, and have suffered from these issues/disabilities for as long as i can remember. Over the years i have had varying degrees of these and have had intermittent treatment. I have tried so many different meds that i can't even remember all of them. I was prescribed meds mostly by my family doctor, but have also gone through a few psychologists, and saw a psychiatrist once for a short time. I was able to keep my job for the past 14 years, with many struggles along the way. Eventually i was able to get on FMLA so that i could take time off as needed. In September i lost my job. I am pretty confident that the true reason i was terminated was directly related to my health problems but can't prove it of course. Now i am left without health insurance, without income, without unemployment because it has been denied. I applied for SSDI, and SSI, but i hear they are very hard to get. I don't know if i even qualify for the SSI because i have money in my former employers retirement fund. I can't access this money without huge penalties, and don't want to, but i am wondering if they will deny me for benefits because the money is there. My family doctor looked like a deer in the headlights when i went to see him and explain that i am applying for ssdi. He has been treating me for years with meds, but now wants me to see a psychiatrist for evaluation for the disability claim. I have no insurance, so who knows how expensive this is going to be. Am i going to have a hard time getting disability because my family doctor doesn't want to help? Will seeing a psychiatrist now for treatment help my claim? Any info would be very welcome. I struggle with dealing with day to day things, i don't know how i am supposed to look for new work, or deal with all of this financial stuff. What a nightmare!
  9. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

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