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handsup

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  1. Trevor, when are you starting ECT? I'm curious, because I'll be visiting a few doctor's this summer and will do a full body/complete examination. I'm worried about ECT turning me into a complete vegetable to be honest... but I'll try everything possible, and if nothing helps this brain damage that I have, then at least I can end this nightmare knowing that I tried everything possible. I know I have brain damage, because I literally have NO personality whatsoever... my personality is gone. My intelligence is completely gone... I can't have a normal conversation with anyone, can't feel emotions, can't make decisions, can't think.... mind is completely blank. I hate being near people, I used to have a lot of friends, but now, I literally talk to NO ONE... and I don't see the point of going out... or even being alive anymore (I was NEVER suicidal when I was depressed... I mean, suicide never, ever crossed my mind). When I say I literally don't see the point of being alive anymore, I really don't. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Things that used to have meaning (like friendships and things that you love to do), mean absolutely nothing to me anymore. I was completely normal person before... but unfortunately, I got extremely unlucky and suffered brain damage from trusting a Biotch who knows absolutely nothing but ruin people's lives. I know I'm finished, and there's a sense that my life is literally over, but I'll try everything possible to recover (lol if that's even possible) but if not... I guess that I will unfortunately end this nightmare. You see, had this not happened to me, I would never, ever, commit suicide. It never crossed my mind when I was depressed, and it was never the answer... I would never do such a terrible thing, but of course, with this suffering (when just being alive/existing is painful) there's only one way out.
  2. You paid hundreds of dollars just to talk to someone... so they can talk about "goals" and other stupid b.s ... lol, congrats and cool story bro. I think it's stupid.. but it does work for depression.. but NOT for anhedonia... good ****ing damn people, USE YOUR BRAINS... anhedonia is purely physiological... how the hell can CBT relieve anhedonia? LOL. CBT is going to give your emotions and humanity back? LOL... let that sink into anyone's head who's actually considering CBT for anhedonia. And books..... BOOKS/?!?!??! LMAO... dude, you are so delusional... how the hell can BOOKS give my humanity back? Do you understand what you are saying???? Dude..... I think this is the most stupidest post I have EVER read in my whole entire life.... and I think "stupidest" is too kind of a word. I'm sorry, but I literally cannot take someone serious when they say reading books solves problems... You're right... you can keep trying... but we know the end result anyways. --- Anyone who has anhedonia is basically screwed. They are simply missing out on life, and there's practically nothing they can do.... you can try for years and years to find a cure, but while you're trying to find a non-existent cure, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years are gone forever... and there's not a single thing you can do about it. Our lives suck... it's a fact, and whether anyone chooses to ignore the facts is up to them. For me personally, I'd rather just end this nightmare than spending 24/7 of my time to "cure" brain damage (from taking SSRI antidepressants), because you can't cure brain damage.
  3. CBT for ANHEDONIA? Most EFFECTIVE treatment? LOL.... If you really want to waste your money (and if you're stupid enough), you might as well blow it on this useless "therapy". Do you want to lose hundreds of dollar's just so someone can tell you "so what are your goals? write down this... that, etc.. how does this make you feel? how does that make you feel?" when you can't feel in the first place, and goals mean nothing to you since there's no reward? Oh god...
  4. Awesome. One question, why is everyone extremely concerned with the drugs than fighting out of it in a natural manner? It doesn't make sense as you know drugs are going to harm you and you still have to be patient. With the natural route, you lift it in a healthy manner and still have to be patient. Main point being it takes patience and perserverance to get out of it, doing one small thing a day can make a difference. I agree that drugs are bad, actually not bad but very very very bad... that's why a lot of us are in this nightmare in this first place, but some are here because of brain damage from drugs like SSRI's or there depression got worst and turned into anhedonia. I know that it wasn't the depression... and I don't want anyone telling me it is (because I know for a fact I'm suffering from brain damage... can't concentrate, poor memory, can't function anymore, no personality) but the point is, the natural way doesn't always work as well... just keep that in mind. I've been waiting and waiting... since 2009 and nothing has changed. I know I have been been damaged and there is nothing I can do... I've been completely destroyed. Some people recover, and some people don't... that's reality. People who suffer from this are just unlucky... terribly unlucky. We're missing out on life... it's that simple. I couldn't imagine where I could have been in life.... travelling all over the world.... doing fun stuff, enjoying life... I guess just experiencing life? Just thinking my life before... and my life now... it literally wants me to jump off a bridge (literally... I'm not kidding). I know it's not going to get better (not being pessimistic, but rather fact) and I'm going to rot in my house for the next 60 years yet there is nothing I can do. There was something magical about life before being in this state... and I don't think words can explain it. The world use to be such a beautiful place... but not anymore. All hope has been lost for me.
  5. I could force myself to exercise, but I don't have the motivation/desire to do so... to me, everything is pointless/meaningless in this zombie state. Playing video games has become too hard for me... so I couldn't even imagine trying to exercise. I don't know... I might consider it, but I literally believe I'm a lost cause... not because I don't want to recover, but because I know that's literally impossible. Let's say a hard drive contained everything that made me human (personality/passions/dreams/emotions/feelings)... well, I feel as if someone reformatted the hard drive and completely destroyed the hard drive afterwards... there is no me... I no longer exist. Talking to people "feels" very alien.
  6. But what about not wanting to talk to people or ever leaving the house? I don't know, I just wanted to see how people feel about that as well. Yeah... it is a nightmare... just waiting and waiting while each day passes by... another day of one's life gone. :(
  7. Well for me personally, I just wished this living nightmare would just end already. I know you guys are suffering from anhedonia, but is there anyone else who completely lost every single thing that made them human? I feel as if I don't understand why I'd ever want to leave the house or talk to another human being ever again... anyone else "feel" this way? Best of luck Trevor... I really hope ECT/Parnate works for you. This terrible condition makes our lives so miserable.
  8. This will be my final post. I have to end this living nightmare... without the ability to feel human emotion or enjoy anything in life, it is quite clear life has lost ALL of it's meaning. Knowing that I will never have a normal life (like having a wife + kids + being able to enjoy life) I think it makes sense to end it now... without the ability to care (I literally don't give a crap about ANYTHING anymore) without the ability to love... because I lost my humanity, my life ends. Whenever I complain that I lost my humanity... people tell me they wish they had no emotions (how idiotic of them... they just don't want to feel the negative one's) and that I'm lucky.... LOL... can you believe that? They are telling me I'M LUCK THAT I DON'T HAVE A LIFE ANYMORE? You know what... I'd rather not live on this planet anymore... how the hell can people be this POSSIBLY stupid? I'm sorry, but I don't even want to get better... I just want to end this nightmare NOW. I don't even care about getting better, because I'm honestly and LITERALLY fed up with this living nightmare. I really don't want to live anymore... why live when everything has lost it's meaning? I just hope I don't end up as a complete vegetable... but rather successfully complete ending this nightmare.... for anyone who hasn't lost their humanity... you would NEVER understand why I'd rather die than "exist'. This truly is a LIVING NIGHTMARE... a nightmare that I can't escape. Life was amazing while I had one... but with the complete and utter destruction of what makes me human.. and not even caring about getting better... it's quite obvious that I'm finished. Goodbye world.... people make me sick to my stomach.
  9. "A positive attitute, and stopping all this obsessing and constant self observation goes a long way too - How can any of you expect to get better when you`re CONSTANTLY thinking about how you "feel"?? Live a little WITHOUT asking yourself the self defeating questions like "Why aren`t I enjoying this"....."Why can`t I feel".....simply live in the moment, and pay your condition NO ATTENTION - try concentrating on events OUTSIDE your head instead - with practice, this will become natural, and YOU WILL start noticing things again." ----- Peter, I'm not sure if you're experiencing anhedonia because you took an SSRI or you were simply unlucky... and I don't mean to be rude or anything, but ignoring a severe problem like anhedonia does not make it go away... that's rather delusional thinking. This emotional anesthesia/anhedonia that I'm experiencing is always on my head.... why? Because it's normal... it's normal that we're frustrated at the fact that we can't feel anything or enjoy anything like any other normal human being does in this short life... it's impossible NOT to be! I know you're trying to make people feel better (wait... that's not possible... we can't feel lol) but ignoring the problem will not make it go away... that's a fact. We deserve to be feel human... just like every other ordinary person does. I agree that drugs causes problems (110%)... and hell, after taking an SSRI, I don't even want to swallow another pill EVER again... but I'm not sure if we can rule out drugs just yet. (I agree these chemicals are bad for our bodies, without a doubt). Being in this state is definitely hopeless, without a doubt. It's depressing to think that people are going out, having fun... but us anhedonic's are miserable... can't enjoy anything... etc. I'm a realist, and from my point of view... I don't think it gets better, unless we find a miracle (which practically won't happen) I honestly think we are a VERY, VERY unlucky people who are suffering from this miserable condition. We're missing out on life... that's a fact. For me - I literally feel like I want to jump off a building (seriously and honestly).
  10. General, I'm so brain dead I couldn't even read all of that... it was impossible. It takes much more time to read things then it did before... and sometimes when I read something, it's like it won't register in my brain or something. I honestly couldn't... maybe I'll try sometime later today. You see, I honestly, and literally feel like I've been CURSED with bad luck. I don't want to talk about what has happened in my life, but it's been horrific (not child abuse or anything, just bad things happening in my life). After all these bad events happened, I didn't think it could get any worst...I fell into a depression... but I was still human.... until I tried Prozac, and I didn't know things would go from very bad to a rare form of hell. So you see, for me, to compare my life before and after, I don't see the point of continuing this "living nightmare" anymore. Life is passing by... people are enjoying things in this very short life (and beautiful world)... but here I am, rotting inside my house... when I say I NEVER leave the house, I truly mean it. I think I've left the house less than 25 or 30 times the past 4 years... This is far worst than cancer or some physical illness... for me, this is a complete and utter destruction of my humanity. I can't make jokes with anyone, I literally do not care about anything anymore... when it comes to anything, I literally DO NOT care anymore... so why continue? My life already ended... so it's only a matter of time until I won't be able to take it anymore. I use to be religious, but not anymore. How can anyone believe in an imaginary "God"? It's sickening.... because this suffering cannot be compared to cancer or other physical illnesses. I won't consider myself anti-religious or an atheist... but a human who see's things as it is. Trust me, with all the bad things that happen in this life (kid's dying of starvation/illnesses, people getting ******** everyday, car accidents) etc... there's no such thing as God. I don't know how or why this universe has been created, but life use to be an unbelievable miracle.... but not anymore. I was lucky to be a part of life for a very short 16 years... and it was amazing while it lasted, but there's no way I'm going to be a pu$$y and continue this suffering. For people who are suffering from this inhumane condition... we are the most unluckiest people in the world... that's a fact.
  11. For the fear of being a complete and utter vegetable that couldn't even end this nightmare... even if I wanted too. Living 60+ years as a vegetable who can't speak, think, or have a normal conversation...... omg.... lol.
  12. This summer, I'm going to try everything possible (without some risky stuff like taking more antidepressants for example)... full body MRI/ultrasound... visit numerous doctor's... etc, but if nothing can be done, then I'm just going to end this nightmare called "life", because for me, I can't imagine suffering for this for the rest of my life... living an empty, pointless life (not life, but existence). If I post something this summer, then that means it'll most likely be good news... however, I don't expect anything, nor should anyone else. I've been completely destroyed as a human being. You have to understand... I don't even see the point of leaving the house ever again, or talking to another human being ever in my life again... and THAT IS screwed up... I know logically, that it is... however, it "feels" normal to me.... I could lay in bed for the next 60 years and I could be OK with that... that's just ****ed up. I guess being human and having the ability to enjoy stuff is too much to ask for in this short life... so if you can't enjoy anything, then what the hell is the point of living anymore? While I was a normal human being, it was amazing to feel alive... to enjoy doing stuff... to be able to love... just to experience life... it's the best thing that can ever happen to a human.. and the feeling of love was amazing... it was an intense feeling.... man, do I miss being human... 99% people take human emotions/feelings for granted... that's a fact. I won't be posting here much often anymore... because honestly, there's not much left for me to do... it's obvious I'm suffering from permanent brain damage from taking an SSRI for ONLY 4-5 months. I mean, let's be honest, what can I do? Try more mind altering drugs? Fry my brain with ECT? Let's be honest... I'm completely finished. This is reality... and hope truly is a delusion. If I can't recover from this... I will have to end this living nightmare... it was amazing to be a part of life while it lasted... but I'm no longer alive, so why continue the suffering? I'm not going to fight this beast, because I have no strength left... I've been completely and utterly destroyed.. it is that simple. I'm not going to spend the rest of my existence being miserable, just to get my humanity back.... there's no way that's going to happen... Actually, I'm going to post something during summer regardless of whether I've gotten better or not... but if I haven't recovered, then I will literally say a final goodbye to this forum, and to the world.
  13. For all anhedonics, do you feel as if you're fed up with living, and there's this "feeling" or "thought" that just says to end it already? I feel as if there's no reason to live at all... there's nothing to live for... what's the point...... etc.? Anyone else "feel" the same? -- Just thinking that normal people have it lucky... they can go out, enjoy things, enjoying being near people, being able to feel human emotions... etc. Makes me severely depressed..
  14. I don't know what to do... I really don't... wait and hope my brain recovers, or try more drugs? For me, it's been getting so bad that I'm actually considering "doing it"... I just honestly can't take it anymore. Is it too much too ask for to feel like a human being again? Urgh, I'm so frustrated... I don't know... wait for nothing... or fry my brain more with drugs... anyone else feel paralyzed by anhedonia?
  15. Does anyone else ever lose hope? This isn't meant to bring the morale down, but I honestly hate waking up now... I just ask myself how something horrific like this is even humanly possible? How can you go from being alive, to experiencing the living death? How can you go from human to losing everything that makes you human? You guys are strong... for me, I feel as if my brain is deteriorating day-by-day. My head/mind is literally blank.... it's literally empty... there are no thoughts... I don't understand how you can go from being so alive to this... to this day, I simply don't understand. When someone talks to me, my brain does not even think of a response.... it's just blank. I know people here are experiencing anhedonia, but does anyone else feel completely destroyed... not just emotionless?
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