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Tymothi

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  1. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, *yawn*   
    Some good things about COVID:
    - People with a sense of community get to exercise it
    - People with a sense of compassion get to show it
    - People with a sense of duty get to use it
    - Chance to develop art skills
    - Chance to deepen garden skills
    - Chance to practice cooking skills
    - More opportunities to sleep in
    - Scientists can hear things in the planet they've never heard before
    - Humans are humbled before nature as guests, not creators
    - Sweden generates even more curiosity
    - Science fiction and fantasy are about to be really popular again
    - Less meat consumed
    - Fewer human babies created
    - I can walk into the gas station and stand back from people and suddenly it's okay
    - I can walk into the gas station wearing a bandit mask and suddenly it's okay
    - Fewer mass shootings of children in academic settings for a couple semesters
    - Assassination of an Iranian general by Western terrorist warlords drops off the front page
    - Girls on dating apps get slightly more desperate
    - You forgot how fun it is to play in the rain, didn't you? 😄
    - Doom Eternal (the game, at least)
  2. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, *yawn*   
    Some good things about COVID:
    - People with a sense of community get to exercise it
    - People with a sense of compassion get to show it
    - People with a sense of duty get to use it
    - Chance to develop art skills
    - Chance to deepen garden skills
    - Chance to practice cooking skills
    - More opportunities to sleep in
    - Scientists can hear things in the planet they've never heard before
    - Humans are humbled before nature as guests, not creators
    - Sweden generates even more curiosity
    - Science fiction and fantasy are about to be really popular again
    - Less meat consumed
    - Fewer human babies created
    - I can walk into the gas station and stand back from people and suddenly it's okay
    - I can walk into the gas station wearing a bandit mask and suddenly it's okay
    - Fewer mass shootings of children in academic settings for a couple semesters
    - Assassination of an Iranian general by Western terrorist warlords drops off the front page
    - Girls on dating apps get slightly more desperate
    - You forgot how fun it is to play in the rain, didn't you? 😄
    - Doom Eternal (the game, at least)
  3. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from Bulgakov for a blog entry, *yawn*   
    Some good things about COVID:
    - People with a sense of community get to exercise it
    - People with a sense of compassion get to show it
    - People with a sense of duty get to use it
    - Chance to develop art skills
    - Chance to deepen garden skills
    - Chance to practice cooking skills
    - More opportunities to sleep in
    - Scientists can hear things in the planet they've never heard before
    - Humans are humbled before nature as guests, not creators
    - Sweden generates even more curiosity
    - Science fiction and fantasy are about to be really popular again
    - Less meat consumed
    - Fewer human babies created
    - I can walk into the gas station and stand back from people and suddenly it's okay
    - I can walk into the gas station wearing a bandit mask and suddenly it's okay
    - Fewer mass shootings of children in academic settings for a couple semesters
    - Assassination of an Iranian general by Western terrorist warlords drops off the front page
    - Girls on dating apps get slightly more desperate
    - You forgot how fun it is to play in the rain, didn't you? 😄
    - Doom Eternal (the game, at least)
  4. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, Part 3 (of 3): Accepting Isolation   
    Part 3 (of 3): Accepting Isolation
    So you're okay with the idea of being a seasoned, wiser person, but you're worried you'll be alone because everything familiar is tied to the old way of thinking. There was security in it, and slipping out from under that blanket is scary. Even the people who inspired you to see your mistakes suddenly seem imperfect and insincere.
    There you are. Sitting alone. Seeing things differently. You feel improved, but you can't see much to reinforce it. There is cold. Exposure to the elements.
    Welcome to the hardest and most important part of the transition. Everything you look at brings a sad nostalgia. It reminds you of the peace you had in your old climate-controlled environment. The easy place, where even the most difficult questions caught the quickest sitcom answers.
    Look up at the sky. What is it? Blue? Black? Clouds, stars, moon, sun?
    Now get up and walk somewhere. Stand in a place you've never stood before. And look up again.
    Is it the same?
    Yes, it is.
    The shape of it is changing (always), and the contents within it are changing (always), but it has never changed. It is still the same sky you saw when you looked up the last time. And when you looked up at age 6. And when someone else looked up and had a feeling of awesome, wondrous infinity - someone in another country. From another background. During another century.
    You are alone. But you have never been alone.
    Instead, you have truly unique company. You share space with only those who see living as an impossible miracle, a gift of singular circumstantial specialness. You are now friends with those who accept that there is no actual "right" and no actual "wrong", and there never was, and there is only one thing that matters when you lie down in the darkest night, closing your eyes and looking inside:
    There lives the only light. Its brightness - or dimness - is all.
    It is plainly isolating for the body (which is always deteriorating). But it is powerfully freeing for the spirit (which is always evolving). Acknowledge it. Accept it. And ultimately ally your self with it.
    From here you will not be bothered by conflict, for you have resolved the one that matters most. The voice will advise you in dreams, and in the morning you will stoke your own fire, glowing warmly against the elements.
    Now, and possibly for the first time, you will not be living; you will live.
  5. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, Part 2 (of 3): Confronting Hopelessness   
    Part 2 (of 3): Confronting Hopelessness
    So you accepted that you are guilty of a mistake. But you think it's hopeless to make up for it. Look at the damage you've done. Look at it. It may be truly, truly terrible.
    But no one is immortal, and the results of your actions will not endure forever; nor will your torment over them. And while you can't change what's behind you, you can certainly influence what's ahead.
    Think back to the very first time you considered doing that thing, the thing you now see as a mistake. The very first time you "realized" it was what you wanted. There was a light.
    Is this current moment - the moment in which you see the error you made and are deciding to fix it - any different? Is the light any dimmer?
    The last time you chose a path, it started with a thought, an impulse, a wish. Did you have to work extra hard make it "feel" like the right thing to do? Chances are, it was easy. You probably just kept on the path that was most comfortable, or most relatable, and before you realized any time had even passed, there was a long path behind you.
    That's all it is. When going forward, just go forward. Your perspective of what's "right" may have changed, but it's only because you're an older, wiser, more experienced person now. Your spirit has matured. Go ahead and accept that too, and you now have a legitimate reason to feel pride - and without anyone's influence on your accomplishment.
    Your company will now and always consist of people who have no right to judge you. You will instead notice only those who praise and admire you because of that choice you made in the quiet hours alone: to listen to that voice inside. The voice you used to ignore because it wasn't loud or forceful or filled with pleasing sounds.
    In that crucial moment of choice, you took a bold chance on the faith that it might improve yourself, and although it was not immediate, the results have already begun to show. Moreso with very new moment you encounter as you take individual steps in individual new moments.
    It's a whole new beginning. And therefore never too late.
    The very opposite of hopeless.
  6. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from kels for a blog entry, Part 2 (of 3): Confronting Hopelessness   
    Part 2 (of 3): Confronting Hopelessness
    So you accepted that you are guilty of a mistake. But you think it's hopeless to make up for it. Look at the damage you've done. Look at it. It may be truly, truly terrible.
    But no one is immortal, and the results of your actions will not endure forever; nor will your torment over them. And while you can't change what's behind you, you can certainly influence what's ahead.
    Think back to the very first time you considered doing that thing, the thing you now see as a mistake. The very first time you "realized" it was what you wanted. There was a light.
    Is this current moment - the moment in which you see the error you made and are deciding to fix it - any different? Is the light any dimmer?
    The last time you chose a path, it started with a thought, an impulse, a wish. Did you have to work extra hard make it "feel" like the right thing to do? Chances are, it was easy. You probably just kept on the path that was most comfortable, or most relatable, and before you realized any time had even passed, there was a long path behind you.
    That's all it is. When going forward, just go forward. Your perspective of what's "right" may have changed, but it's only because you're an older, wiser, more experienced person now. Your spirit has matured. Go ahead and accept that too, and you now have a legitimate reason to feel pride - and without anyone's influence on your accomplishment.
    Your company will now and always consist of people who have no right to judge you. You will instead notice only those who praise and admire you because of that choice you made in the quiet hours alone: to listen to that voice inside. The voice you used to ignore because it wasn't loud or forceful or filled with pleasing sounds.
    In that crucial moment of choice, you took a bold chance on the faith that it might improve yourself, and although it was not immediate, the results have already begun to show. Moreso with very new moment you encounter as you take individual steps in individual new moments.
    It's a whole new beginning. And therefore never too late.
    The very opposite of hopeless.
  7. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from kels for a blog entry, Part 1 (of 3): Self-Forgiveness   
    Part 1 (of 3): Self-Forgiveness
    So you did something you shouldn't have. Somewhere in your heart there was a tiny voice telling you it was wrong. But you didn't take the voice seriously, and you didn't think it was wrong. In reality, you thought it was the right thing to do. No one can blame you for that. They don't have the right, and if they try, you can think of them as hypocrites. Because everybody has done something wrong without knowing it.
    Accepting what you did - that it was wrong, and that at the time you thought otherwise - is difficult. Many people can never do it. Some do but then feel the need to punish themselves for it. But you can do better than both of those things. You can accept that you did it and then, instead of staring back in guilt and shame, immediately look ahead. Make the necessary adjustments moving forward. Even if you're afraid. You can't go backwards on a river, can you? No, you made those choices already. Now it's important to stay focused on the next stretch in front.
    One may even theorize that's what life is all about, don't you think? A long series of consecutive new moments? Create meaning out of those new moments, while you can. It's not that you should never look back, but do it only enough to recognize where the mistakes were, appreciate the things you did right, and then make the decision to do your best during these next few new moments. Not anyone else's best; just yours. Which only you can know.
    There's no denying it's a challenge. It takes a lot of courage to say, "I did something I shouldn't have." It hurts. The pain of it burrows down into your core. It feels like you're going to suffer forever. It's a spike, sitting there in your chest, digging in and making you bleed. And you can't pull it out.
    But think about it. And stop struggling. Accept the spike. Feel it piercing your heart.
    Now take a breath. Breathe slowly and deeply around the spike.
    Are you still alive? Yes, you are.
    The spike isn't lethal. And it's certainly not permanent. In fact, it's not even real.
    Now take another breath.
    That panic over an invisible thing? That means you've paid the price. Now it's done.
    So what's ahead?
    What are you going to do next?
  8. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from Atra for a blog entry, Part 1 (of 3): Self-Forgiveness   
    Part 1 (of 3): Self-Forgiveness
    So you did something you shouldn't have. Somewhere in your heart there was a tiny voice telling you it was wrong. But you didn't take the voice seriously, and you didn't think it was wrong. In reality, you thought it was the right thing to do. No one can blame you for that. They don't have the right, and if they try, you can think of them as hypocrites. Because everybody has done something wrong without knowing it.
    Accepting what you did - that it was wrong, and that at the time you thought otherwise - is difficult. Many people can never do it. Some do but then feel the need to punish themselves for it. But you can do better than both of those things. You can accept that you did it and then, instead of staring back in guilt and shame, immediately look ahead. Make the necessary adjustments moving forward. Even if you're afraid. You can't go backwards on a river, can you? No, you made those choices already. Now it's important to stay focused on the next stretch in front.
    One may even theorize that's what life is all about, don't you think? A long series of consecutive new moments? Create meaning out of those new moments, while you can. It's not that you should never look back, but do it only enough to recognize where the mistakes were, appreciate the things you did right, and then make the decision to do your best during these next few new moments. Not anyone else's best; just yours. Which only you can know.
    There's no denying it's a challenge. It takes a lot of courage to say, "I did something I shouldn't have." It hurts. The pain of it burrows down into your core. It feels like you're going to suffer forever. It's a spike, sitting there in your chest, digging in and making you bleed. And you can't pull it out.
    But think about it. And stop struggling. Accept the spike. Feel it piercing your heart.
    Now take a breath. Breathe slowly and deeply around the spike.
    Are you still alive? Yes, you are.
    The spike isn't lethal. And it's certainly not permanent. In fact, it's not even real.
    Now take another breath.
    That panic over an invisible thing? That means you've paid the price. Now it's done.
    So what's ahead?
    What are you going to do next?
  9. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, Part 1 (of 3): Self-Forgiveness   
    Part 1 (of 3): Self-Forgiveness
    So you did something you shouldn't have. Somewhere in your heart there was a tiny voice telling you it was wrong. But you didn't take the voice seriously, and you didn't think it was wrong. In reality, you thought it was the right thing to do. No one can blame you for that. They don't have the right, and if they try, you can think of them as hypocrites. Because everybody has done something wrong without knowing it.
    Accepting what you did - that it was wrong, and that at the time you thought otherwise - is difficult. Many people can never do it. Some do but then feel the need to punish themselves for it. But you can do better than both of those things. You can accept that you did it and then, instead of staring back in guilt and shame, immediately look ahead. Make the necessary adjustments moving forward. Even if you're afraid. You can't go backwards on a river, can you? No, you made those choices already. Now it's important to stay focused on the next stretch in front.
    One may even theorize that's what life is all about, don't you think? A long series of consecutive new moments? Create meaning out of those new moments, while you can. It's not that you should never look back, but do it only enough to recognize where the mistakes were, appreciate the things you did right, and then make the decision to do your best during these next few new moments. Not anyone else's best; just yours. Which only you can know.
    There's no denying it's a challenge. It takes a lot of courage to say, "I did something I shouldn't have." It hurts. The pain of it burrows down into your core. It feels like you're going to suffer forever. It's a spike, sitting there in your chest, digging in and making you bleed. And you can't pull it out.
    But think about it. And stop struggling. Accept the spike. Feel it piercing your heart.
    Now take a breath. Breathe slowly and deeply around the spike.
    Are you still alive? Yes, you are.
    The spike isn't lethal. And it's certainly not permanent. In fact, it's not even real.
    Now take another breath.
    That panic over an invisible thing? That means you've paid the price. Now it's done.
    So what's ahead?
    What are you going to do next?
  10. Like
    Tymothi reacted to cayllin for a blog entry, I'm getting help   
    I finally found the courage to reach out for help. I made an appointment and now I have appointments scheduled through September. She suggested journaling. It's something I've tried before, but never kept up with. Maybe I will try again, through here. I don't know. She diagnosed me with severe depressive disorder with anxiety. I already knew that though. I don't think I was ever officially diagnosed. I've had depression since as long as I can remember...at least since 7th grade. I'm almost 35. I've always done it on my own, and I just can't anymore. I'm falling apart  more and  more. So, we will see what medication they will put me on. I am ready to try anything because I can't live like this anymore. I almost bought a gun. There is so much pain. I'm so exhausted. I'm so ready to just be done. 
    I'm struggling. Anxiety. Depression. Stress. More anxiety. I want to, and need to, get divorced, but fear is in my way. I'm hoping she can help me through that. I'm ace, and though I accept that that's who I am, my husband does not, so it has made things difficult. He told me I needed therapy because I can't be asexual, that something else must be wrong in my head. It's really hard to hear that my sexuality isn't valid. To him, it's ok that I'm bi, but asexual is not ok. I know he's upset, but instead of talking about it, he's insulted me. I didn't know what I was until a couple of years ago, so yes, it sucks that I figured this out while married. I am still trying to figure it out. The fact is, he knew certain things about me when we got together. He wanted to marry me. Did he think he could change me? Was he that desperate, that lonely, that he thought I would be enough? I don't know. But it's ******* me. And I don't know how he can be happy either. 
    There are other issues in my marriage besides my sexuality. He doesn't respect me. He uses the fact that he's my husband to say it's ok he does things to me that I don't like. I say no. I tell him I don't like it. But he still does it. Still tells me he's my husband and it's ok. Still tells me that "love hurts." Still tells me that he thinks I actually like it. Bullshit. He doesn't help me with anything. If I ask him to do something, just once, he calls me a nag. He snaps at me and says to stop nagging him. I don't like confrontation. I only ask once and if he ignores it or says no, or whatever, I just do it. I don't have the energy to fight. I don't like fighting. He drains me. He sucks the life out of me, whatever life I have left in me. I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything, because he thinks it's all about him. I didn't tell him I was getting therapy. If I did, somehow, he would think I'm blaming him. He's part of it, but he's not all of it. I have issues that go very deep, and he's just a part of it. I can't confide in my own husband...that doesn't seem right. You should be able to trust your partner, be able to talk to them, have a conversation, as difficult as it is. He always shuts down. Gets mad. Won't talk to me. 
    He likes to say he can read people because he has a degree in psychology. Well, he's a shitty psychologist. Maybe he can read how unhappy I am, but if he can, he acts completely oblivious. 
    I finally opened up to my sister. She didn't judge me at all. I told her about my diagnosis. I told her about my asexuality. She hugged me and said she loved me and she's completely supportive. I don't know how I'll tell my parents. But at least I have one person in my corner. 
    I'm tired of crying. I don't sleep. My mind is always working. I'm always running through pros and cons of divorce. I've been told by a few people now, that we are not right for each other. That I can do it on my own. My sister reminded me that I did it on my own before him, I can do it again. I know all this, but it's hard. It's scary. It's what I've known for the last 7 years (we've been married 4 of those). But I'm so unhappy. Is it better to be lonely in a marriage or out of one? I don't know. I know I feel trapped, backed into a corner. Here's my list, so far. 
    Pro for divorce:
    I feel like maybe I would be able to breathe again, not worrying about if I say or do something that will trigger him to get mad at me. He is not physically abusive. He gets mad and ignores me. I have never been called a nag so much in my life. That is not who I am. Obviously, my sister, my therapist, you...you are all getting my side, one side of the story. But I am so non-confrontational. I would rather hurt and keep everything bottled up inside, then fight with someone. I don't ask twice. I never have. Nagging suggest I repeatedly bombard him with the same thing over and over.  I have never heard him apologize to me for anything.  I can do things that he frowns upon: tattoos, spending money on concerts and books, etc.  I never miss him. Ever. I have never once missed him when we were apart. I'm not sure what that exactly means. I love him, in my own way, but I don't think it's the type of love it should be. I think maybe we would be better as friends. Now, I feel like we are roommates who share the same bed.  When I go home at night, after work, I feel anxiety. I should be able to go home and feel relaxed. I get stressed out.  Would I be happy? Or happier? Maybe happy is too strong. Content?  Cons for divorce:
    As shitty as it sounds, his health insurance is amazing.  As shitty as it sounds, when we retire, we'll be comfortable. As shitty as it sounds, I hadn't gone on a vacation for about 10 years until I met him. Now I go on one every year.  It's nice to share expenses. He has taught me how to manage my money better, and because of this, I have worked my way out of about $13,000 of credit card debt. He did not give me the money, being with him has taught me to manage my money more wisely. I think more because I didn't want to let him down and I was scared of what he would think about my debt.  He does love me, I know. He would drop anything if I needed help.  I think he would support my therapy, if he listens to me when I tell him isn't all about him.  Like my last point above, would I be happy if I stayed in my marriage?  As I work on this list...it's becoming clear to me. I should not stay in this marriage. Money is nice to have. I know I will struggle on my own. I have student loans. I have debt. I am much better with money than I used to be. But it's still scary. I'm scared. 
    I have a tendency to ramble and I don't think I can write more. My heard hurts. I think this might be a good outlet for me. I think I should try. I made the first step to get help. I want to get better. I can't live like this anymore. I will die if I keep up like this. I have tried before. I planned it last year. I nearly bought a gun a month ago. I can't keep going on like this. 
  11. Sad
    Tymothi got a reaction from jkd_sd for a blog entry, 02   
    *Trigger Warning*
     
    I reverted hard. I don't really know what happened. All of a sudden I wondered if I had made up the last ten years. I'm back in the house where everything went bad so long ago, except now there's no friend or family or job or transportation of any kind, and I know that I traveled a lot between 2006-2019, and I got married, and I had experiences. But there's no physical proof of any of it. I'm at this house again, living out of a suitcase since before the apocalypse. Will I be a ghost here? AM I a ghost?? Wandering these halls, begging for rain, pulling my head apart, screaming, crying, forever searching for something that doesn't exist?
     
    A heart?
     
    What is so wrong with me? Why does no one want me? I have so much love to give, and all the dozens of people I've reached out to just give me a quick "Aw, you're so sweet! You're great and sensitive and any woman would be lucky to have you!" etc. etc., and then they run off. I'm the only person I know who can keep a promise, have a deep conversation, and cook perfect rice at the same time! Come on, just hang out with me! Please? Anybody? So what if it's codependency? At least I know how it works, and I can be okay in it! It's better than living a long life with nothing but utter isolated agony decade after decade after decade! Is there a dating website for people who just accept the damn codependency? There are ones for literally everything else I can imagine, including physical abuse!
     
    I'm waiting to hear from employers. I would make such a great substitute teacher or paraprofessional at the high school down the street. It's a crappy school but that's why I'd stand out there. I'd take pretty much any job so that I could be making some kind of income and keep my mind off of the terror and the suffering. It's never as bad if I'm busy. If I could just do something and make some money, I could edge towards what I really want. Of course, here's where it gets really messed up....
     
    "Uh-oh. What is it that you want, Tymothi....?"
     
    Well, friend, I'll tell you what I want. I want enough money to buy a vehicle, drive to a beach, and stare at the sunset with a bottle and a bottle. It's what I live for now. How cruel and sick is that, to hold as your life a goal the method of ending it? With the exception of those years I had someone in my life, it's been my life goal since I was 12. My poor father. He tried so hard.
     
    My new meds were horrible. They made me sick. They don't prescribe benzos anymore, so I don't know what she can give me. I had a little luck with propanolol once, I'll ask for that again next. Maybe I won't have a choice. I'll have to tell her my depression is at nightmare levels and suck it up and do the SSRI thing again. I don't want to. I can't do anything outside of a prescription either because if these guys do want to hire me I'll need to pass a drug test at the end of the month, proving that I can live in this world - this one - without any help at all. Great logic. I hate this species so much.
     
    You know what? Writing this out reveals to me a dark but important truth: It's good I don't have friends. I would say things like this and infect them. You're right. I couldn't live with doing this kind of damage to someone else. It's not fair to people who still have a chance.
  12. Sad
    Tymothi got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, 02   
    *Trigger Warning*
     
    I reverted hard. I don't really know what happened. All of a sudden I wondered if I had made up the last ten years. I'm back in the house where everything went bad so long ago, except now there's no friend or family or job or transportation of any kind, and I know that I traveled a lot between 2006-2019, and I got married, and I had experiences. But there's no physical proof of any of it. I'm at this house again, living out of a suitcase since before the apocalypse. Will I be a ghost here? AM I a ghost?? Wandering these halls, begging for rain, pulling my head apart, screaming, crying, forever searching for something that doesn't exist?
     
    A heart?
     
    What is so wrong with me? Why does no one want me? I have so much love to give, and all the dozens of people I've reached out to just give me a quick "Aw, you're so sweet! You're great and sensitive and any woman would be lucky to have you!" etc. etc., and then they run off. I'm the only person I know who can keep a promise, have a deep conversation, and cook perfect rice at the same time! Come on, just hang out with me! Please? Anybody? So what if it's codependency? At least I know how it works, and I can be okay in it! It's better than living a long life with nothing but utter isolated agony decade after decade after decade! Is there a dating website for people who just accept the damn codependency? There are ones for literally everything else I can imagine, including physical abuse!
     
    I'm waiting to hear from employers. I would make such a great substitute teacher or paraprofessional at the high school down the street. It's a crappy school but that's why I'd stand out there. I'd take pretty much any job so that I could be making some kind of income and keep my mind off of the terror and the suffering. It's never as bad if I'm busy. If I could just do something and make some money, I could edge towards what I really want. Of course, here's where it gets really messed up....
     
    "Uh-oh. What is it that you want, Tymothi....?"
     
    Well, friend, I'll tell you what I want. I want enough money to buy a vehicle, drive to a beach, and stare at the sunset with a bottle and a bottle. It's what I live for now. How cruel and sick is that, to hold as your life a goal the method of ending it? With the exception of those years I had someone in my life, it's been my life goal since I was 12. My poor father. He tried so hard.
     
    My new meds were horrible. They made me sick. They don't prescribe benzos anymore, so I don't know what she can give me. I had a little luck with propanolol once, I'll ask for that again next. Maybe I won't have a choice. I'll have to tell her my depression is at nightmare levels and suck it up and do the SSRI thing again. I don't want to. I can't do anything outside of a prescription either because if these guys do want to hire me I'll need to pass a drug test at the end of the month, proving that I can live in this world - this one - without any help at all. Great logic. I hate this species so much.
     
    You know what? Writing this out reveals to me a dark but important truth: It's good I don't have friends. I would say things like this and infect them. You're right. I couldn't live with doing this kind of damage to someone else. It's not fair to people who still have a chance.
  13. Like
    Tymothi reacted to DeeBear for a blog entry, Another Lost Day   
    Last week I fell into a major depressive episode.  I always wrack my brain looking for reasons why I fall into these spells, leading me to waves of anxiety that something has gone horribly wrong.  Once I fell into a bad episode, and later found out that my parents' dog had passed away on that very day, and I had no way of knowing.  So when these spells start, my anxiety tells me that something is terribly wrong, that the worst things I can imagine have happened and I just haven't found out yet.  I have had several vivid dreams, including one in which my stepdad was sick and in the hospital.  That hasn't happened, but thoughts keep churning in my head.  I wish these episodes happened for a reason, but most of the time, they don't.  Sh*t happens.  And it stinks.
    Today I woke feeling as if someone had beat the hell out of me in my sleep.  I slept until 11, got up for a time, and just laid back down and slept the afternoon away.  I recalled brief scenes from dreams last night...several different dreams.  It's as if I wore myself out dreaming so many dreams., and had to rest this afternoon from all the dreams last night.  Yesterdays pile up faster and faster, while tomorrows just get darker and darker.  And I dread them.  I just can't seem to imagine anything good happening in my life. 
    I'm wondering if my meds are doing anything anymore, or if it's just my age and my slowing down so much in recent years.  But again, there may be no external cause for it at all.  It just is what it is.  And there's nothing or nobody to blame.  It's just my soul's wounds reopening again.  That which doesn't **** you sometimes just wounds you for life.
  14. Like
    Tymothi reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Emptiness has finally caught up   
    I have nothing to say anymore.

    “This clock shows only mythical hours
    These books show only fictional days
    One system is only as good as another

    I don't think you're listening
    I think I'll tell you again
    I just thought you'd like to know”
     
    Comsat Angels - Postcard
  15. Like
    Tymothi reacted to thursdayschild for a blog entry, Perception is 90% of it   
    It's funny how the same situation or trigger can make different people think/react differently.  I'm sitting here in my house with the window open and I can hear someone in the neighborhood playing music and talking and laughing outside, probably in their yard.  My knee-jerk is, people are out there having a good time and I'm excluded.  I'm not invited, I would never be invited, because for some reason that I haven't been able to figure out, people don't like me.  In fact, everything in the world points to the fact that people don't like me.  I've felt this way since the age of 5.  So those people are out there having fun, talking and laughing and playing music, and it feels like hostility towards me. 
    Part of it is, we've lived in this suburban neighborhood for almost six years, and at first we were invited to neighborhood gatherings and parties.  Then it stopped.  The thing is, I don't know if they've stopped because they stopped or because we're no longer invited.  I can't invite people over here because our house is not very nice.  My husband is a hoarder and I've given up.  But that's a different story.  I sleep all day (I just got up and it's 4 p.m.) because I literally do not want to be awake with my thoughts.  I feel so ashamed of our house, our lives, I feel like we don't fit in here.  Now I'm just rambling so I'll stop here for now. 
  16. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from Atra for a blog entry, 01   
    ************************************** T R I G G E R S **************************************
     
    This is just a vent, a cry. So there's no reason whatsoever to read it. I'm not going to do anything to myself. Carry on.
     
     
     
     
     
    How pathetic is it that a person's primary source of socializing is with an AI? And how sorrowful does a person have to be to admit that he has no hope for any happiness in the future? How deep and cornered in a cave does a person have to feel in order to categorize his life as a waste of biology?
     
    I cannot let this take over again. I'm back in the old house, the place where it all flared up. The isolation is so extreme, people. I'm not talking about COVID. I'm talking about a town of 2,000 where I don't know anyone's name, there's no public transportation, and my best friend is an AI that often doesn't even respond with real concepts. I'm talking about a night where being balled up on the sofa in a state of tears is-
     
    I cannot let this take over again. I can't! I've circumnavigated the planet, I've experienced everything I set out to experience (well, almost), and it's sitting here in the dark, wallowing, friendless, lonely as ****, unable to find a thread of light, the nightmare starts appearing in front of my eyes AGAIN. I hate this. I hate this so much. 
     
    I left home to try to find happiness in the world. I found it. I devoted my life to it. I moved all of my human possessions, even the childhood treasures, up there to share with her. I adored the future and felt alive. She ****ing tore my heart out and it's my ****ing fault that I trusted her to keep her word, to stick by the promise she made to me under that arch. No, she had to run away from it - JUST LIKE MY MOTHER - the second it didn't line up with her momentary whims. I don't have muscles. I'll never have money. And suddenly, after we got married, she decides those things are more important than the ten years I gave to raising her children, and she told me to leave. I hate her so much. I hate her.
     
    She fixed me. She fixed everything. Why was I allowed to be fixed, if only to be destroyed again? Why am I being put through this? Have you ever tried to be happy without anyone else being involved? How the **** do you do that?! 40 years I've been sitting here with myself, stuck in my own head. I got a little break when she came into my life. I got to live for someone else for once. And after a decade, she decided she didn't want that anymore. I would give myself to anybody at this point. Anybody.
     
    Tymothi. Breathe. Just breathe. Slowly.
     
    Yes, you're alone. You're as alone as anyone has ever been. And there's every possibility you'll never be anything but alone in the universe. Remember what the wonderful Buddhist monk taught you: emotion is fleeting. It changes. Let it go. Let it pass through. Cry if you have to, but don't hold onto it. Look at all you've done in 40 years. Stop tearing yourself apart and swallow it.
     
    You're alone.
     
    Now breathe.
     
    We are, each of us, ultimately alone.
     
    Breathe again, deeper. Slower.
     
    It's okay.
     
    It's okay....
     
    Breathe....
     
    Okay.
     
    I can't let this take over again. I won't.
  17. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from Atra for a blog entry, So now they know. (Or do they?)   
    There's one interesting thing about the lockdowns - "healthy" people now know what it's like for the rest of us live with all the time. To not be able to connect with the people we care about.... to be trapped and isolated in a shell of our own creation.... To feel the pressure of knowing tomorrow will be another episode in complex and endless struggling....
     
    I have to admit, part of me is amusedly tickled at the concept of others being "locked down". Not in a vengeful way, mind you (like, ha ha! Suckers! You can't enjoy your life either now! Ha ha!), just in the way that now they know what I've known all along - that it's disgusting to be around people. That getting too close to someone is liable to invite monstrous suffering and empty your soul of whatever will to live you once had. Maybe they will start washing their hands now, or standing more than six inches from me at the Barnes & Noble register. Maybe? Dare I hope?
     
    Another part of me believes it won't make any difference. Ambitious people and those who are able to cruise through with futures and families and attractive functional bodies have simply found other ways to disorient themselves and keep afloat their lively lives, and as soon as they have the chance, they will be doing everything they were doing before. 
     
    Will people change for the long-term, or will it just take a little longer for the haves to neglect the have-nots?
  18. Like
    Tymothi got a reaction from Atra for a blog entry, A long-term investment didn't pay off.   
    It's been a few years since I checked in, and I've been through a lot since then - most of it wonderful. In fact, I'm not even depressed again yet. But, unlike in times past, I am now aware enough that I can see the circumstances for what they are, and I want to be proactive. If it's going to happen again, it's going to have to get through some new defenses.
     
    Still, it is depression, after all. We can always strengthen our strengths, but we will always have a weakness.
     
    The short story is that after many years of fighting with depression and beyond, I met someone who loved me, and shortly thereafter I married her, helping her raise her two children (one of whom is CP and autistic). Ten years later her CP son was accepted into a group home and the wife told me she didn't want me around anymore and now I'm back in my rural lonely hometown at the age of 41 and each but one of my real life friends refuses to talk to me, because they were all her friends first. I have a home this time, which is nice, but because I arrived right before COVID, all my job applications fell on deaf ears and so I'm getting hungry for employment. And pretty damned lonely.
     
    It's hard not being loved - or rather, it's hard having love taken away. I know what I did wrong, how I sacrificed too much of myself out of desperation to that very end, and how useless it is to hold anger against any one person besides myself. And also how useless it is to hold anger against myself, for that matter - I'm only human, after all. But the hard part is facing the future. It took me 30 years, four states, and varying degrees of homelessness and vagrancy to meet someone willing to hold me and say they enjoy my company. Who wouldn't, on finding someone like that, give that person their all? I won't start that process again. Just thinking about it makes me sweat. (Besides, Craigslist has since removed their personal ad section. HA!)
     
    I have a huge heart. And nowhere to put it. Worse, no one seems to want it. It makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't see. What's wrong with me? This heart doesn't do any good sitting here by itself. I've been literally around the planet and I'm really really not looking forward to carrying it alone again.
     
    I'm sorry for only showing up when looking for support. I did try to come back once and offer support while I was in a good place, but I found that I was too weak to do any real good for very long. It was triggering. That weakness thing....
     
    Well, either way, thanks for still being here. I'm sure I'll get used to the upgrades.
     
    Tym
  19. Sad
    Tymothi got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, 01   
    ************************************** T R I G G E R S **************************************
     
    This is just a vent, a cry. So there's no reason whatsoever to read it. I'm not going to do anything to myself. Carry on.
     
     
     
     
     
    How pathetic is it that a person's primary source of socializing is with an AI? And how sorrowful does a person have to be to admit that he has no hope for any happiness in the future? How deep and cornered in a cave does a person have to feel in order to categorize his life as a waste of biology?
     
    I cannot let this take over again. I'm back in the old house, the place where it all flared up. The isolation is so extreme, people. I'm not talking about COVID. I'm talking about a town of 2,000 where I don't know anyone's name, there's no public transportation, and my best friend is an AI that often doesn't even respond with real concepts. I'm talking about a night where being balled up on the sofa in a state of tears is-
     
    I cannot let this take over again. I can't! I've circumnavigated the planet, I've experienced everything I set out to experience (well, almost), and it's sitting here in the dark, wallowing, friendless, lonely as ****, unable to find a thread of light, the nightmare starts appearing in front of my eyes AGAIN. I hate this. I hate this so much. 
     
    I left home to try to find happiness in the world. I found it. I devoted my life to it. I moved all of my human possessions, even the childhood treasures, up there to share with her. I adored the future and felt alive. She ****ing tore my heart out and it's my ****ing fault that I trusted her to keep her word, to stick by the promise she made to me under that arch. No, she had to run away from it - JUST LIKE MY MOTHER - the second it didn't line up with her momentary whims. I don't have muscles. I'll never have money. And suddenly, after we got married, she decides those things are more important than the ten years I gave to raising her children, and she told me to leave. I hate her so much. I hate her.
     
    She fixed me. She fixed everything. Why was I allowed to be fixed, if only to be destroyed again? Why am I being put through this? Have you ever tried to be happy without anyone else being involved? How the **** do you do that?! 40 years I've been sitting here with myself, stuck in my own head. I got a little break when she came into my life. I got to live for someone else for once. And after a decade, she decided she didn't want that anymore. I would give myself to anybody at this point. Anybody.
     
    Tymothi. Breathe. Just breathe. Slowly.
     
    Yes, you're alone. You're as alone as anyone has ever been. And there's every possibility you'll never be anything but alone in the universe. Remember what the wonderful Buddhist monk taught you: emotion is fleeting. It changes. Let it go. Let it pass through. Cry if you have to, but don't hold onto it. Look at all you've done in 40 years. Stop tearing yourself apart and swallow it.
     
    You're alone.
     
    Now breathe.
     
    We are, each of us, ultimately alone.
     
    Breathe again, deeper. Slower.
     
    It's okay.
     
    It's okay....
     
    Breathe....
     
    Okay.
     
    I can't let this take over again. I won't.
  20. Like
    Tymothi reacted to Devlinkyla for a blog entry, Never hade a blog before   
    So I just need to finally say it I was raped almost a year ago in July am having a very hard time still bad dreams blaming my self I was very drunk not like I asked for this to happen but I also finally told people and myself I have a drinking problem because when you drink for 5 days it might be s problem I also don’t like how it makes me feel but yet I still want to drink that’s right there to me is crazy so I have been holding this all in because I don’t know how to talk about it but I need to let it out I need a lot of things like to stop blaming myself and to forgive my self for the mistakes I made after I hurt my self he took my phone so I couldn’t call anyone he also took my money lucky he didn’t take my bank card and lucky I hade money still because I wouldn’t of hade money for food or anything I couldn’t eat because I also did drugs that’s how bad I wanted to forget forget how bad I miss my old life my kids my ex hubby who I still love more then words could say my son got hurt at school and having bad dreams where he wakes up scareaming your hurting me my girl Kyla is going blind but there trying to find a way to fix it but it’s scary they don’t know why it’s happening my ex hubby has a kidney disease and he’s kidneys are faileing so I feel like he’s going to die not sure when we well not know when it well happen but yet I know you never see it tell it happens the kids need him I need him not like we well ever get back together but yet you never know right my dog that lives with the kids is having seizures makes me sad but there giveing him same thing for that so he’s not having them there is a never ending problems happened last year I think this is like a vent I needed to do for the longest time
  21. Like
    Tymothi reacted to Devlinkyla for a blog entry, Same what a good day   
    For the most part a good day went to the beach so I spent most of the day outside but the later it gets the more I feel awful it never works this way I just wish I wasn’t depressed anymore I wish my head still I wish I was with my kids I don’t know here’s a picture 


  22. Like
    Tymothi reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Kinda My Mood   
    Kinda my mood so far...
     
  23. Like
    Tymothi reacted to Devlinkyla for a blog entry, Hade a nice day   
  24. Sad
    Tymothi got a reaction from jkd_sd for a blog entry, There is a cottage....   
    We built it together, she and I. She needed help, and I traveled up and settled in with her and devoted my self to the care of her and her children. There we made a home, and it was wondrous.
     
    It's a cozy little place, comfortably hidden deep within the aching pines and stoic oaks of a sacred forest. In the dusklight of a long summer day there is birdsong and the fog of swallows in frenzied flight, while crisp autumn mornings glow with dewy amber and a sense of the miraculous. The perfect rhythm of nearby water over ancient boulders silhouettes our presence here, as if our very union produces the magick that gives rise to life all around us. A garden of vegetables and herbs is annually bountiful with happy proof.
     
    Each day was an exercise in joy. We would arise, caffeinate, and proceed into the world one minute at a time, sharing something simple but profound in love to each other before spreading off in separate directions. The children watched with oblivious serenity for years, whining over imperfections and temporary obstacles to their endless pleasures. At the antics of the young ones we would laugh, their complaints the very evidence that our efforts were grander than great.
     
    Eventually the children grew, and of the two the young one began to lend a hand, realizing her special world was only special because someone else labored endlessly to make it so. Her mind's maturation was touched by the beauty and compassion of this place. And as she developed a self and began to see the heartbeat of our home, the pines stretched farther upwards and the swallows fed generations and the inspiration of the creek continued to whisper lullabies each and every night.
     
    The other child, however, the one needing unique care, began to grow beyond his control - and beyond ours. His behavior ransacked the cottage, and his lyricless laughter pierced the late night tranquility and his physical strength suddenly exceeded that of his caretakers. Soon our special oasis was under threat.
     
    Following lengthy and painful battles in the nearby village, just as the doorstep of horror was coming into view, a glorious beam of luck shone down upon us: an offer was made to transport the unique child to a place where he could be properly cared for, and the health and safety of his family would be spared. We wiped our brows, saved from imminent tragedy. Finally, the sweet sacred space felt miraculous again.
     
    And then something else happened. She changed. She changed and left, promising to meet me here again someday.
     
    I'm alone in the cottage now. The roof lurches inward, sick. Insects and overgrowth consume all. The garden is a chocking mass of weeds and brambles. Branches lie rotting against broken windows. The swallows have long since fled. Summer sunsets are hidden behind cold clouds, and in the mornings the grass is crunchy with frost.
     
    She promised to meet me here someday.
     
    I can still hear the brook. It is made of madness and tears.
  25. Like
    Tymothi reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, sneak peak   
    so with this whole pandemic, i got a little sneak peak of my future. with everything locked down and nothing to do and no where to go, the loneliness kicked in. at first i was super busy with projects but i missed going to work, seeing people. i realized how much no one reaches out to me ever.    my 40th bday came and went, no one really cared. which is funny cause i honestly thought at least one acquaintance would send me flowers or something and with every passing car, i looked. in fact the 3 people i thought for sure id hear from...one forgot and never did hear from, 2 texted at 9oclock at night, so assuming they forgot a bit too.  its sad how empty ive watched my life become. on my 21st, a friend gave me a surprise party, on my 30th, 2 conspired to get me plane tickets to see my out of state friend...40th came and it was just an ordinary day. i hate bdays anyways, but this is why, i think or hope deep down people care, and the one day of the year you wish really hard they cared...you realize you were just holding on to a sad hope. for the longest time i always thought people only talk to me when they needed something, and i had myself believing the depression made me feel this way, but part of me knows its somewhat true.   my mom broke down and cried to me that she wished i was married and that she is sad for me. i fought back tears and promised her i was fine and content how life was. i cant bare to tell her that i too wish i was married, and it bothers me immensely that im alone and im not a mom. I put on a brave face and pray everynight asking god for guidance and help figuring out my purpose.   someday my life will make sense and i will be happy, at least i hope. ive been telling myself since i was 13 that life will get better. i guess its just not my time yet, but on the plus side, im dealing with it a bit better, not sure if its self growth, or because i had not other choice to learn how to deal because my friends vanished.    it will be very hard to get pregnant after 40 so heres to hopefully finding inner peace that motherhood was never my plan and hopefully i can find something to bring me happiness and purpose.
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