Tymothi

I love being the calm center when my friends have friends or family who pass away. They all come to me tearfully saying "How can you not care? Why aren't you sad?" And I say "I do care. I cared so much that I made the most of every day with [that person], and I simply don't have as much to grieve as I do to celebrate. I celebrate [the person's] time on this planet and the chance I had to know [the person]. I'll cry, sure, but it will be in private, and it will pass through, and then I will be thankful for the miracle of [the person's] gift of company. And then I'll be thankful that they no longer have to suffer." To some it comes off as cold and insensitive, but to others it's refreshingly deep. Either way, I like being that perspective for them.

There are trees in my neighborhood who are well over 100 years old. They were here long before I was born, and they will be here long after I die, and they've never moved. What it is like to see so much happen in your lifetime? What would they think about it all? All those who made homes within their branches, all the storms and floods, everybody who thoughtlessly ran their four-wheelers over your roots? Generations come and gone within sight, over the decades? Air quality, climate change? We think we're hot stuff because if we're "lucky" we get to live 80 years, but we do it in lots of different places and in different ways. What if you did it all in one spot?

Take Deep Breaths

Local muscadine wine. ❤️

Batman Begins

I was doing my evening walk and I suddenly realized my mouth was hanging open. I had no idea why. After some time, I realized I was having to consciously close my mouth on a regular basis. The reason? I've been on new meds for a while now, and suddenly I'm not grinding my teeth every second of every day. I haven't experienced that before, and my jaw muscles are clueless as to what to do. Also, I learned new chords on the guitar today.

It's the End of the World As We Know It ~ R.E.M.

Cleaned the toilets after two teenagers visited. Finally. 😝

Beef tips topping off a greens salad.

I didn't even need to see the circus! 😄 (Well, not technically, anyway....) Okay, I saw the chicken today. I was worried because there hasn't been a car there for a while, and no cat either. But today both were back, and the chicken was just chilling in the front yard. I guess that is just what farm animals do, after all. I'll keep an eye on her, but it did my heart a strange amount of good to see that cat in the same place - dozing under the truck - and this big black chicken just hanging out under the shade. In any case, I had a good walk.

I had a truly wonderful time with my separated wife and her daughter the last few days. They drove all the way down, hauling a bunch of my junk. The wife took the time to explore my puny super humid town, and the daughter taught me how to read scales on a guitar. For once, I actually think I've had a genuinely good couple of days. Despite the heat.

Monkees > Beatles

These days, I feel as if the universe is forcing me to accept what is and just find a place of peace inside no matter what's happening elsewhere. It must be my destiny to be a calm center. 😕

So with none for sale anywhere in the world, with the help of some generous people my own customized bicycle found its way back to me. Game. On.

Part 3 (of 3): Accepting Isolation So you're okay with the idea of being a seasoned, wiser person, but you're worried you'll be alone because everything familiar is tied to the old way of thinking. There was security in it, and slipping out from under that blanket is scary. Even the people who inspired you to see your mistakes suddenly seem imperfect and insincere. There you are. Sitting alone. Seeing things differently. You feel improved, but you can't see much to reinforce it. There is cold. Exposure to the elements. Welcome to the hardest and most important part of the transition. Everything you look at brings a sad nostalgia. It reminds you of the peace you had in your old climate-controlled environment. The easy place, where even the most difficult questions caught the quickest sitcom answers. Look up at the sky. What is it? Blue? Black? Clouds, stars, moon, sun? Now get up and walk somewhere. Stand in a place you've never stood before. And look up again. Is it the same? Yes, it is. The shape of it is changing (always), and the contents within it are changing (always), but it has never changed. It is still the same sky you saw when you looked up the last time. And when you looked up at age 6. And when someone else looked up and had a feeling of awesome, wondrous infinity - someone in another country. From another background. During another century. You are alone. But you have never been alone. Instead, you have truly unique company. You share space with only those who see living as an impossible miracle, a gift of singular circumstantial specialness. You are now friends with those who accept that there is no actual "right" and no actual "wrong", and there never was, and there is only one thing that matters when you lie down in the darkest night, closing your eyes and looking inside: There lives the only light. Its brightness - or dimness - is all. It is plainly isolating for the body (which is always deteriorating). But it is powerfully freeing for the spirit (which is always evolving). Acknowledge it. Accept it. And ultimately ally your self with it. From here you will not be bothered by conflict, for you have resolved the one that matters most. The voice will advise you in dreams, and in the morning you will stoke your own fire, glowing warmly against the elements. Now, and possibly for the first time, you will not be living; you will live.