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Rexxsi

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About Rexxsi

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  1. Do you think group / talking therapy with others who are going through depression too might help you? I am 28 and in a similar-ish situation and my anger comes out in bursts when I get talking about my past, friends I've lost, and awful things that have happened to me. I am extremely lonely and have no social group at all. I have been craving social outlet and people who understand what I'm going through. When I'm out, I feel so separate from the world and other people which can ignite my frustration and isolation.
  2. This. ^ "Daygame" is a term used by pick-up artists and I know zero women who are looking for a partner who have any real respect for PUA. It has a terrible reputation among women in general and it isn't a respectful way to look for a partner. I think you'd benefit more by working on yourself (not just your looks), and your well-being possibly through therapy and then likely a partner will come along with that naturally.
  3. I started on Celexa 4 weeks ago and had similar side effects: nausea, puking, headaches that would just suddenly come on and off throughout the day, and felt like a zombie.
  4. There seem to be many people who do benefit from celexa; some say it completely changed their life for the better, some say no change, and for some, it was the drug from HELL due to the awful side-effects they experienced and quickly went off it, so - lots of very different accounts! Every SSRI seems to be the same, in the sense that different ones will affect different people in different ways. Some great stories here about people who have had success with it: http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/27623-celexa-lexapros-success-stories/ But, as noted before, it won't have the same effect on everyone, and the duration it takes to have positive effect seems to vary for everyone. Have you told your doctor about your experiences with it? And if so, what did he / she say?
  5. I'm 28 and I've been depressed since I was around 16, probably earlier. I don't see this ending for me. But I'm willing to fight as much as I can.
  6. I've been on citalopram for around 3 weeks now (10mg daily for the first week then upped to 20mg after that). During the first few days I had horrible headaches that would come and go a few times a day and nausea to the point I actually threw up. Also felt very zombified (still do at the moment), dry mouth and throat (especially in the morning), a whoooole ton of teeth and jaw clenching (my jaw usually aches from it), sex drive has gone, and I would get panics that sent my heart rate from 75 bmp to 136 bmp and my teeth were chattering. Scared the crap out of me and I felt like I was going to pass out or have a heart attack. Sometimes I have some difficulty breathing but it feels like panic. My panics have got worse and are still an issue, but I've read that this is pretty normal for this medication, and a lot of people have reported it being well worth waiting out all of these horrible side-effects for the benefit it has had on them long-term so here's hoping this won't last long! [EDIT] - One *good* "side-effect" (if it is that or the med is working in a positive way for me already) I've found though, is INTENSE creativity. - I literally draw constantly now, when it was very hard for me before. I have also become a lot more "daring" in my drawings in the sense that I don't worry about messing anything up and I just literally do whatever I see in my mind now. However, I should note that this might be my way of coping with the panics I've been getting on this as it can help distract me, but either way I hope this creative streak keeps up because I love it! Oh, another good thing with this already is that talking feels delicious.. somehow.. (that probably makes no sense).. I can really "get into" talking and explaining things. It isn't constant by any means, and I don't always feel that way, but it just feels really different. Sometimes colours seem more vivid, too.
  7. I completely agree with you. Sometimes listening to someone's idea of a solution, based on their personal success story, can trigger painful memories for me of having attempted the same and it having majorly backfired. People telling me I need to "seek professional help" panics me, not because I haven't bothered trying, (so, so far from it) but that it reminds me of when I was hospitalized and placed on daily watch. I was told to "get a life" by one of the doctors, who rummaged through personal items in my bedroom, criticized me for them, and verbally shamed me for them. It reminds me of hearing loud conversations going on between people about me, as though I wasn't present. Not only did it make me feel much more ill, but it made me feel like a meaningless, invisible entity who deserves no privacy or respect. I was powerless, at a time I didn't need a feeling like that to be reinforced. It could have been far worse, but my point is that it has scarred me, and it means that I cannot easily waltz into a doctors office. I deeply regret having placed myself in a situation in which I put myself under the care of people who had corrupt authority over me. It's just my personal choice that I try to keep fighting this without professional help for as long as I possibly can. I'm not trying to discourage people from relaying their success stories, or from giving advice, but I do think some sensitivity is needed if the person being give the rejects it. It could be for very serious reasons that they don't want to take it.
  8. I think we all use this forum in very different ways: I only tend to come here when I am very panicky about my future; extremely bogged down in my depression; feeling completely hopeless and want to feel less alone; or when I'm really making a huge effort with my recovery. I never seem to come here as a hang-out spot, or as a consistent thing. The biggest factor for me that brings me here is isolation, and looking for a place to come in which I will be related to. - But I think a lot of people can get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to this, and get the impression that I want to just "bog myself down" by surrounding myself with people who will actually reinforce my depression, join in with some sort of depression orgy, or I just, you know, "want to be depressed", when that is simply not the case. There are no lack of inspirational stories of recovery, people who want to push me onto succeed, people who believe in me, etc. There is a lack of people I feel I can turn to when it comes to discussing the nitty gritty. I have one person in the world irl who I can talk to about depression, and I simply don't want to put all of the weight on him whenever I feel the need to talk about it. I don't feel like it's fair on him to listen to me talk about some of the things I want to talk about when he is trying to work, or eat, or be happy, or whatever. Sometimes, I need to talk about poverty. I need to talk about dirty bed sheets that haven't been washed in months because I can't lift myself off the stains. I need to talk about the feelings I get when I feel like life is going to be nothing more than a relentless stream of suffering. I need to talk about how I can make a suggestion for something "fun", only to panic minutes into it because I had a pain in my side and therefore that means I have a terminal illness. I need to talk about how hard it is for me to eat, to make sure I'm drinking enough fluids, to make myself get outside, to wash myself. I need to talk about sleeping in the daytime, and waking up not knowing whether the sun is rising or setting, and having no idea what day it is. I need to talk about how my knees ache when I straighten my legs because I haven't used them in so long. I need to talk about duties and responsibilities piling up because my depression has meant that I have neglected them, and am getting into financial difficulties. I need to talk about how I feel when I've summoned enough strength to work, only to end up not working, only 30 minutes later because I feel like the happy front I put on for customers is ******* me and all I can do is stare blankly ahead. And that brings me onto why there are people who are paid to listen to this stuff: There aren't many who have the patience to sit and hear about all that without either feeling worse themselves, or wanting to grab me by the shoulders and give me a strong SHAKE and give me a good wake-up call. At least not without being paid by the hour to, anyway. It isn't that I don't know what to do, and that I need informational advice and some straight-talking: I know how to eat. I know how to drink. I know how to leave the house. I know how to keep track of time. I know what I need to do to put my finances right. I know how to wash myself. It's not that I don't know how to perform these things, it's that I can't do it. And there's even hotter water to get into there, with people deciding that I in fact can do it, and suddenly "no one's gonna help you!", "YOU are responsible for YOU", and "you need to pull yourself together!" and whatnot... (I know). Inspirational stories can feel more like distant fairytales than possible realities I can have, even if I have fairytales of my own I've wanted to dish out to people. - They just don't necessarily have the intended effect on people that the authors hope. I will more often find myself just wanting to say something like, "Oh wow that is so awesome! I'm so happy that worked out so well for you in the end :) Just shows us that there IS hope!" But, in truth? That's not real. That isn't what I feel at all. I'm fluffing the fluffer. I don't mean any malice; I just don't feel it, and I don't want them to feel like they just wasted a bunch of their time telling me their story for nothing.
  9. From yesterday - bath, wash hair, brush teeth, shave, wash face - DONE wash bed sheets - 90% DONE! wash some clothes - DONE check balance and make sure bill been taken out - DONE internet and water bills are taken out work out how much money you have left with money coming through and phone bill to be paid - DONE work out if you have enough for tax and food rest of month - DONE tidy place - DONE clean bathroom - DONE tidy and clean kitchen - DONE tidy bedroom and take out rubbish - DONE I broke down in tears on the 2nd wash of bed sheets because I have to wash everything by hand and there was a stain in a sheet I couldn't get out. I left it and cried. Then some time later I just went into zombie mode and did a TON of things. I feel so much better. I will continue this strength today. <3
  10. - I WILL get better. - I WILL make things right again. - I WILL keep the promises I made to myself, as they make up the fact that I will RISE AGAIN out of the ashes and kick life in the butt. - I WILL stick to my daily plans, as completing them are evidence of my life changing for the better. - I WILL NOT hurt myself if I have a tough day. - I WILL take pride in my EVERY achievement and accomplishment, no matter how small it might "seem" to others, or to me, and regardless of how many things I had planned for that day. Every accomplishment is a victory. Every accomplishment knocks this life back up a notch to where it should be. EVERY accomplishment.
  11. INFJ. I find it interesting this is the rarest type and is the most common vote here. I know though that a lot of INFJs tend to mistype as INFPs, or just generally mistypes can be common if you just base it on online tests alone. I think there's more to identifying your type, such as looking into cognitive functions... though it's hella complicated and I've found it difficult to grasp entirely. I certainly identify the most with the cognitive functions of INFJ though. I wish I knew another INFJ irl. I've felt alone all of my life. Doesn't help that most of the people in my family seem to be EST types.
  12. I dropped out of high school and never even went to college or university. Not properly anyway. I took a short art course and I dropped out of that too. (More to do with the fact that it was a crappy course than depression though). Me + academia = general disaster. I hate that I was forced into it as a child. English and basic maths is all I needed. I forgot everything else, or it's just not relevant to my life. These days degrees and so on only get you so far. They're certainly not the be-all-end-all these days when it comes to earning a living. More and more people are making money in self-employment. The internet was the big game changer.
  13. I stopped working some months ago because of my depression and the general feeling that the responsibilities I have are overwhelming. I'm 27 and not fit for responsible adult life. I spend all day, every day, in bed, at my laptop. I stopped sitting at my desk in my bedroom because I didn't even want to get up sit at it. Instead, I put my laptop on my chair and use it from bed. Brushing my teeth can take up to a week to summon the strength to do. By that point, my teeth will usually bleed. I haven't seen a dentist in years and I haven't registered with a new doctor since moving just over a year ago. I have to wait another week or so before doing any other act of self-care. I haven't bathed in almost a month. I've been wearing the same clothes for almost a month (only exception is my knickers, which I'll usually change every 4 or so days). The insides of my jeans are blood-stained because some menstrual blood (as per usual) escapes when I use sanitary towels and I have no other clothes washed. I do not own a washing machine (I can't afford one) so I have to handwash everything in the sink which isn't always successful at getting out blood stains. The sheets I sleep / live in on my bed are dirty and blood stained. My rent is late by almost 2 months. My sleeping pattern is inverse. I'm scared every day because I haven't paid any bill for months and so soon all of the companies are going to be chasing me up, threatening me, and my letting agency will likely soon evict me. I don't have £100 spare for a courier to drive my possessions back to my parents, so I don't know what will happen to all my things here. I have two "friends" whom I hate, but meet up with because it's something. I've already spent the majority of my non-child life being carted from doctor to psychiatrist to therapist to counselor to doctor... I'm completely exhausted. It's work in and of itself to go through all those roots again and suffer potentially unsympathetic "doctors" who don't understand depression. I can barely lift myself in the bath tub, let alone cart myself here and there getting help for my depression. I am completely trapped and have no idea what to do.
  14. I have been living below the poverty line with my partner for just over a year now. We cannot afford furniture, a washing machine, sofa, or curtains. A lot of weeks, we can barely afford to eat. We have to be very careful with whatever money we do get come through. Our depression is what has got us into this situation, being as we are both self-employed, both depressed, and both find it difficult to work as much as we would like to. But lack of money makes us even more depressed so it feels like some kind of vicious cycle. Well recently, I've gotten into other ways to find positivity, and whilst it has been making me feel happy, it makes me feel like I'm what most "normal" people would call "sad". I worry a LOT about talking to others about my interests, and always have, but this new stuff makes me feel very ashamed of myself. I like taking pictures of the sky a whole lot, and picking and pressing flowers. Because it's Winter here now, there are barely any flowers at all, but the thought of Spring coming, and all the flowers coming out then gives me the same feeling I used to get as a child when I was anticipating Christmas coming. It makes me feel excited and like I have this to look forward to. I get curious as to which kinds I will find and how the presses will turn out, and how I will use them. I haven't had that feeling in so, so many years. I feel just as happy about how the changing seasons will change how the sky looks, and what kinds of awesome pictures I'll be able to take. I feel glad that I feel like I'm gaining so much appreciation for "the smaller things" in life, but at the same time I feel worse because I feel like I know why I feel so extreme about such "minor" things and it's because I don't have much else in my life. An actual doctor (who was on the crisis team when I was taken into hospital last year) mocked me for my interests back then by telling me I'm "too old" for My Little Ponies (which I used to collect), that I listened to "old man music", and that I needed to "get a life"... That was the time when I was hospitalized for my suffering and very much on the brink so I needed constant home visitations where these strangers / doctors would come into my room and intrude upon my privacy.. so I guess that has affected this somewhat. I feel like these "normal" people like to take stabs at me for things that bring me happiness. That doctor criticized me for those things, so what would he say about me now?! "Oh dear, you like flowers and the sky?! You need more in your life..." I have that a**holes voice in my head all the time.
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