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fat_cole

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    USA
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    Used to be really interested in ice hockey, played on several leagues over the years. Motorcycling, bicycling, hiking/backpacking/camping, chess, cigars, and tech of all kinds.

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  1. That's the thing with living with depression for so long. I contemplate suicide all the time, every day. It's just something I've learned to tune out, but it's always there. The strange thing is that I wasn't feeling better when I went off my meds and stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I simply wasn't making the progress I knew I should be making, A little back story, I lost the psychiatrist that I had been going to, the one was willing to aggresively treat my depression, the one who initially suggested ECT and was willing to attempt some off label use of medications when I would bring her the results of studies that showed real promise. Well, apparently she was banging one of her other patients, so the state took her license. She moved to another state and is still practicing. I've considered moving there just so I can get back that level of treatment again. The psychiatrist I ended up with afterwards was entirely too sheepish, she frowned on ECT, the trycyclics I was taking, the off label use of medication. Took all of it away and put me back on some weak ass SSRI, I'd go in and complain the medication wasn't working, and I'd get some other weak ass SSRI...and the cycle continued... Until one day I had enough, no other psychiatrist in my area was accepting patients, so I just cut ties with my psychiatrist and tried to fix myself through diet, exercise, and off the shelf supplements. I think it was my anger and resolve that kept me going. Once those faded, the depression crept back in, eventually completely flattening me. I have good-ish days and baaaaad days. Unfortunately the good days don't come in a series that would fill a standard work week or a week of school. I used to be able to hold it together for the week and then fall apart on the weekend and have myself pulled together enough to slog through another week, but I don't have that ability, at least not right now.
  2. How can you prepare for a series of depressive episodes lasting days to months when you don't even have time to fullly get back on your feet again?
  3. I've been away for a while, not because I was feeling better but because I was trying to see if this depression was something I made up to help cope with life. Turns out it isn't. I really do have a problem with major depression and attempting to ignore the problem only made it worse. I went off my medication, quit seeing my psychiatrist, started eating better, and exercising. Eventually, I got a job and went back to school and was doing really well. Then I was slammed with a series of major depressive episodes and had to drop my classes and quit my job before I got fired. I have been avoiding seeing my psychiatrist again, I just don't want to go back on medication. It never seemed like it was that helpful to me since I have the treatment resistant type of depression, I've tried at least 3 different medications from each group of medications with little to no effect. I have had electroconvulsive treatment 14 times, it was helpful at first, but it is clearly not a long term solution to my form of major depression. It became obvious to me that ECT was not a long term solution when I started having nightmares about being put under for the ECT and I would rip off the CPAP mask I wear for sleep apnea. I've never really been afraid to do ECT, it's clearly safe, I've never been nervous before or during a treatment session, but apparently my subconscious feels otherwise about it. Back in April of this year I was told by the local Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) clinic that my insurance (CIGNA) has started covering the treatment so I have just been in this disabled purgatory since then, waiting for the treatment that I have been slated for starting in August. It's been nice being able to spend home time with my kids, but otherwise it's been hell feeling useless, unable to work or go to school since I can't maintain a schedule. My sleep is erratic, the extreme anxiety is disabling, and when I do go to sleep at a reasonable hour I never know how functional I'm going to be the next day. It's a vicious cycle that just continues to suck my life away one day at a time, Depressing doesn't begin to describe the feeling of knowing your day is over before it even begins.
  4. What's up Eagle Scout Brother!

  5. Alrighty then, my wife is a school teacher & was upset about my recent depressive episode and decided to vent to a "friend" at work who is required by law to report any possible unsafe home condition to the Illinois Department of Children & Family Services (DCFS). So, before I was even aware what my wife had done someone from DCFS came to my children's school & interviewed them concerning any unsafe home condition & my major depressive disorder. Then, my wife was called in to meet with them while she picked the kids up from school and she immediately informed the DCFS investigator of my clinical depression. Now, even though no papers have been signed, no official documentation has been issued, nor have I been interviewed by DCFS. DCFS has told my wife that I am not allowed to be left home alone with my children at any time, that my wife will not be able to work for a period of up to 5 years as she will likely be indicated as the perpetrator of child abuse & neglect at the close of this investigation. At which time her name will be entered into a statewide database indicating her child abuse status for up to 5 years. So, my wife (understandably) has been freaking out, scouring our home from top to bottom to ensure its immaculate condition, installing a multitude of additional child-proofing gear throughout our home, for fear of a DCFS official knocking down our door and inspecting our home's safety. My wife has now taken measures a step further & has been staying with her parents with the children for the past two weeks. But, at least I still get to visit my only reasons for living, occasionally. All because, I have depression... Now, I may be the one with the mental illness in this situation, but even I know this is insane. I am undergoing ongoing treatment for my depression, we have a strong social support net in our immediate vicinity composed of many trusted family members and friends. This is intolerable. In reality, legally, so far, nothing has been done to keep me from seeing, or even watching my own children. My wife's livelihood has been threatened, opening the possibility of destabilizing our children's home life, their routine, their sense of safety at home, their own mental health as well as their performance at school. Hell... even my own performance at school. Try finishing grad school in engineering, not only with a wife and four children, but add major depression, and now a looming DCFS case on top of it and tell me how focused and able to study you would be... it's nuts. So, now I have an interview scheduled at the DCFS investigator's office on Monday afternoon. Yay... I'm still trying to decide how to play this one. I have worked for the federal government at the department of defense for nearly a decade, I've served on active duty in the military, I have seen ineffectual commanders cast blanket policies that were designed to mitigate risk and safeguard military personnel, but were so poorly thought through that they ended up causing far more harm than good. In most instances, causing problems which exceeded the liability of what the original risk the blanket policy was meant to protect from to begin with. I just feel like I'm going through this all over again as a civilian now. Instead of it being kept at work, it is now affecting the lives of my family. To me it's just another old case of giving someone an ounce of authority and they become crazed with power... It's idiotic and ugly, and I'm really tired of seeing it, I really am. It was already old the first time I saw it, and this is just going too damn far. I'm just sick of it, when will it end...
  6. I had severe short term memory associated with my major depression. I thought I would give Aricept (Donepezil) a go to see if I had any improvement. After a month on the medication, I did see some improvement so I just kept it on as part of the regimen.
  7. I have been sleeping like this lately as well. But this is unusual for me this close to having an ECT done. I scheduled an appointment with my pdoc and to have blood workup done just to make sure there isn't some other underlying issue than just blaming it all on my depression.
  8. Wow, sounds just like me... I hate leaving the house for any reason, rarely answer my phone, and use the internet as my primary link to the outside world. I am unable to relate to other college students, no friends, just sit at home and marinate in my own depression.
  9. I thought I would share something on more positive note for a change. Today, I got my butt out of bed at 6:30 am after a decent night of sleep. Had a nice, yet brief, talk with the wife and kids before heading off to class. While in class, I felt attentive and able to interact intelligibly, able to communicate. I haven't had a morning like this in a long time, I am just overjoyed at the moment and wanted to share. Thank you to all of you here on the forums who have been so supportive!
  10. I am socially inept. I apparently hurt others' feelings without any intention of doing so on a regular basis. I would prefer that if people were indeed offended or somehow emotionally affected by my actions that they tell me so. I cannot read minds, and apparently folks draw their own meaning from the simple and direct statements I make.
  11. Currently a grad student Spent 8 years as a signals intelligence analyst, 4 in the Army and 4 years for a major defense contractor. Currently trying to decide if I even want to go back to my old career or start something completely new.
  12. Wow, it feels like I wrote that. Your situation mirrors my own in almost every way. I have found that if I can keep myself focused on the moment and not let my mind run off into a lazy/depressive state of mind. It takes a new level of mental discipline and some ingenuity. For example, getting up in the morning, I bought a really damn loud alarm clock that requires me to do some basic arithmetic and enter a code to shut off. It even has built in battery backup that keeps me from just unplugging it and going back to sleep.
  13. I'm with you 100% craic, welcome to the forums. Keep in touch, take care. -Cole
  14. I know how you feel, my life is often complete and I wonder why no one wants to be around me. I'm a pretty stoic person who doesn't show much, if any, emotion. Yet, people have some kind of 6th sense to know when I'm in a foul mood and I can actually see them gravitate away from me. It's tough, it hurts, but I just have to realize these people really have no idea what kind of personal hell we're going through. They can't relate, so often times they just take it personally or generally feel unwanted/disliked. Just remember my friend, we're all in this together. Keep in touch, take care. -Cole
  15. Getting an appointment with the psychologist gets you off to a good start. Try to see if you can get an appointment with a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication and see if that helps you. Sometimes I think I am really depressed, but really, I'm just bored as hell and have nothing to do. I make myself go outside just to get the blood flowing to make sure that's not what it is. Good Luck.
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