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taut1

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  1. How do you all think our soldiers out in the rocks, sand, and heat facing bullets and bombs every day like their jobs? When they awaken every day and go out on their jobs they don't know if they will see the night alive or with all of their limbs still attached!
  2. I don't know if you will get better. My theory is that everyone is wired differently. But I tell you Big D has been beating on me severely since 1964. Actually a lot earlier, I just didn't know what it was. I am nearing 70 years old now and am still here doing one day at a time. My advice after all that time and experience is to do everything you can to keep your mind occupied and busy with something positive. In addition exercise will help you. Develope an exercise routine at a gym if you are near one and go even when you feel horrible. Hang tough...from an old codger with Big D
  3. Don't have OCD, but have had the racing thoughts in my head for years and years. The older I get the worse it gets. CBT therapy doesn't do squat for it. And I take so many meds for other stuff most docs don't want to Rx a D med for me. Best thing I have found is to stay busy doing something that takes concentration. I can watch a movie, TV if it is entertaining. But, gee, when going to bed at night, if I'm not tired and sleepy I might as well get up and do something until my old bod just runs down as my racing thoughts are thinking about everything in the world. Hang in there, maybe you will find a solution or a med that will give you some help.
  4. Marvin, I'm thinking you are much younger than I am. But here is my experience as a senior with Z: My doc Rx'ed Zoloft for me a few years ago. And it made erections more difficult, but worse was that it really made ejaculating difficult. The longer I took Z the more difficulty ejaculating until I no longer could. I stopped Z for that one specific side effect, and decided to not try meds for my D. Now I am older and on BP pills and erections are history. Even Viagra and Cialis do not help me. My urologist Rx'ed the pump and restriction rings, but now the medical supply stores contend that Medicare is in process of stopping paying for those. I suppose I am at the age and physical condition that I can only dream about sex.
  5. I have been anxious, afraid, a worrier, and stressed out since I was a child. And if I had $1 for every time I have thought about dying a long ugly death I would have as many dollars as Carter has little liver pills. I have seen people go out of this life after long term and horrible suffering. And there are a few who just went to sleep and didn't awaken. It is the dying process that I fear; going out after long suffering and with excruciating pain. I think I have a head start on the rest of you all as I am closer to dying. I am almost seventy years old. I think I will welcome it however as all of the fear, anxiety, worrying, stress, and depression will finally be gone...over. Oh, how long and hard I have hurt and suffered with this "stuff." I too believe in God and pray every day that when my time arrives that I will go out quickly, painlessly, and in my sleep.
  6. This one has thrashed me for many years. Yes, I have regrets about almost everything in my life, even being born. And the flashbacks of them...my decisions, mistakes, errors, weaknesses, and failures... are getting more frequent as I get older. Depression becomes more severe in my maternal family as they age. And I am almost seventy years old.
  7. taut1

    Dreams

    What a good post this is. Dreams have had me mystified and curious for years. Someone said "that dreams are such a wonderful thing." Well I would say so if you have dreams that leave you feeling refreshed and happy when you awaken. But what about all those that leave you frustrated, fatigued, and in a bad mood? I had water themed dreams when I was working and really struggling making a living, paying the bills, and had a lot of OTJ competition, and times were hard. I have asked older people if they dream and what they dream about. Some of them tell me that they often dream that they are (as one other person mentioned) back in HS of college. And they are having a big quiz or have a project due and they have not studied, forgot about the test, or project, and they always awaken tired, and with an unpleasant feeling starting out their day. I have repeats of those and also of work. At work my dreams are that I am suddenly demoted to a job I worked long ago and I have forgotten how to work the job. Or I am transferred to another department working a job which I know nothing about. And when I have these they are always bummers leaving me so tired, down, sad, and even angry starting out my day. I have read that one should try concentrating on dreaming something fun and relaxing or even try to think about diverting those bad dreams to good dreams by thinking about changing the role of your dream. Or if you have those bad dreams to concentrate on stopping the dream and telling yourself this is a stupid dream, and then changing your thoughts to something more pleasant. Alas I have tried and tried it, but I haven't been able to change bad dreams to good dreams or make myself fly in a dream as yet. Maybe one of these nights... Do you dream in color or black and white?
  8. Yes I have seen this before.The biology of how depression works was interesting. But his constant pacing was distracting. That is the way I am...can't seem to stay still, and it made me wonder about why he couldn't. I realize that major depression is the most severe of the illnesses, but I hope he will do a lecture on other kinds of depression, like endogenous and agitated depression.
  9. My mother is 88 years old and in a nursing home. She is in a wheelchair and has had a few TIA mini-strokes and has difficulty speaking due to the TIA's. Her mind and recall still is very good however. She always has been dominating, domineering, and a control freak in our family. It was her way or no way. She has always been and remains aggressive, assertive, and manipulative. But in all of the years the personality I have described above has only been applicable to her family. Yet with her friends, neighbors, the public, and the community, these home traits were not visible and she loved, and was loved by all. Now that she is in the nursing home and has lost control, she has been having temper tantrums with a select few of the care givers and with my younger sister and me. She has slapped my sister numerous times there when she couldn't get her way; the first time was at our Christmas Eve party held at my sister's home. Of course the slaps are not hard as she isn't very strong. I challenged my mother in my late teens and made my own life while my sister remained dominated and controlled. But over the years my mother has made me feel guilty at every opportunity for not respecting her and doing her will. "I am your Mother; you owe me," she repeatedly would tell me when we frequently had conflicts. My sis and I alternate visiting my mother at the nursing home Mon-Fri and Sunday. This past Monday on my visit she was in one of the several reclines in the sun room. I asked her if she wanted me to help her into her wheelchair and take her for a ride around the hallways where she can see and wave to other residents as she loves to do. Well, when I released the chair recliner lever and let the chair upright, she began flailing at the air with her fists trying to strike me. Then she pointed to me and then towards the door, indicating that she wanted me gone. And I left. Wednesday when I went to visit her she was in her wheel chair in the dining room. I asked her if she wanted to take a "tour" of the halls and she mumbled yes, so we did. Afterwards I began pushing her to the dining room and her lunch table location as it was lunch time. She began flailing at the air with her fists again and pointed to the recliners indicating that she wanted to be in the recliner. I told her it was time for lunch to be served and that she could go to the recline after lunch. She continue to flail, but I was behind her pushing her chair and out of her swinging range. When I pushed her into her position at her table, I bent over to lock her chair into place, and she gave me a round house slap on the side of my head. I had previously told her that if she tired to hit me again that I would not be back to visit. And I repeated this again to her and left. I called my sister and told her that I wasn't going to visit for a while because of the slapping and she told me that I should take a few days off. We have talked to the nursing director and told him of the slapping and temper tantrums and asked about our alternatives and resolutions. He said he would investigate if any of the caretakers had been struck by our mother, and told us that we must not harm her in any way. Of course we wouldn't ever harm her, never have and never will. Now finally my question: What would you do if you were slapped by your mother when she did not get what she wanted? Is her anger originating from the inherited family depression? Is it from her mini-strokes (TIA's)? Is it caused from her loss of control and her manipulative personality? Is she just mean? Should we talk to the nursing home director and ask for an appointment with the geriatric psychiatrist who visits the NH on rounds once per month and ask for medication for our mother? Should we reduce out visits? Should we just stay out of swinging distance? This issue has my brain cortex neurotransmitters in fight or flight and telling the rest of my brain that this is really a bad thing. Thus I am experiencing a DD ( a depression downer). I think I should be rough and tough, laugh and shrug it off and not worry about it. But I can't control the dwelling negative and guilt trip thoughts.
  10. I used to have bad panic attacks and somehow graduated from having them so frequently and to other symptoms, CricketBoots. I say that I don't have them anymore. But just close me up in a room or elevator with no doors and it is hot and humid inside. I will go berserk and try to tear the doors down. My family doc said that I have claustrophobia. I don't know though as it is a lot like the panic attacks I had years ago when I get enclosed. I can think about getting put in jail or handcuffed and have a panic attack. My BP with go out the top, I break out in a sweat, heart pounds, pulse races, and I nearly freak out just by thinking of being enclosed behind bars. Heck my cardiologist's office is on the seventh floor of a clinic tower. I won't get on the elevators, but walk the stairs. I told him about it and he laughed and said to think positive as that it was good for me and more of his patients should walk the stairs as he and his colleagues do. Years ago I couldn't sit in the middle at a dinner table either, or in the middle or end of an aisle in a theater if it was up against the wall. More than six people in a room was too many and I was out of there. I am lots better with those situations, and don't know how I improved except if it was from the tranquilizer Rx'ed for me. Later I just stopped having so many of those attacks and stopped the the tranquilizer. But, oh, getting in a elevator or small, hot humid room full of people, I'm not over that be it panic attack or claustrophobia. Yes, I can see how freaked out being put in the middle of the dinner table like that. Maybe you can try to anticipate the seating the next time you do such and ask to be seated on the end by the entrance to the room. And having the attack doesn't make you a failure, it means you have symptoms of an illness. So what if some of the people there thought it was all strange? I tell people I have claustrophobia (true or not), and that I need to sit here or there, or I'm sorry I won't go into that room, or elevator. Some of them seem to understand, and some of them look at me like I'm a nut. Those who think I am a nut probably have some hidden dysfunctional issue themselves if the truth were known. I have become where I often don't care about what some people think of me now that I'm in my golden years. I used a lot of words to encourage you and tell you that the attack wasn't your fault and that for certain it doesn't make you a failure. SpaceAce said it all better and more to the point. I especially like his "screw them" if they don't understand. One little thing I would like to share with you also. I have a bad hearing loss from working in heavy industry. I have learned when I begin talking with someone I don't know be it socially or a salesperson in a store or restaurant to just blurt it out that, "I'm sorry but I don't hear well." Most all of the people seem to understand and accept that fault with me. And they talk louder. Those few who don't; well to heck with them. I say the same thing about elevators; I just tell people that I am claustrophobic and can't get on elevators. Do you think you could say something similar when you go out to dinner again or if you are out in a room full of people? It might surprise you how many people will understand and it may give you a little confidence when people accept it and don't think it is a big deal. No way the PA's make you a failure, CricketBoots.
  11. taut1

    Christmas

    I call grabbing on to those small things as "taking baby steps," bh. I think you did great yesterday by taking those baby steps. Just as you had a call, an invitation to dinner, a visit from someone with a gift for you, and an email turned visit, you have people here at DF who are supporting, thinking about you, and cheering you onward to have better days. A lot of them may be silent supporters, but they are here.
  12. This post is verification that there are more people than you think that spend Christmas alone. It is small comfort I know, but for the longest I felt like I was the only person in the world sad and alone while everyone else was party-hardying and celebrating with family and friends. DF helps me in hat I can come here and listen to others struggling with conditions more severe and less severe than mine. And here we can vent and even encourage and support one another on such days. For the longest I had no one to talk or listen to on my blue holidiays, but now I feel like I do have friends and a home I can visit, even if it is virtual. For most of the holidays I make an advanced list of things to do to keep me busy and try my best to do them. The more I keep my brain busy doing and thinking of other things the faster the holiday passes. I would like to say to all of you alone and hurting today, that I am thinking of you, that I care, and feel your pain. And I hope you all have a better tomorrow and that you get better in that you have more good days than you have bad days.
  13. taut1

    Perfectionism

    The last paragraph touches home with me bh. I think I am over the hill and too old to get help. At my age I have about given up getting better and am simply trying to make it one day at a time until the next life. And gray thinking being partly right hasn't been in my self talk that I can recall. I wish I could program that in my head...to stop thinking all negative when I'm down... and most of all to not stop taking baby steps to get better. I hope you don't care that I saved the last paragraph above and put it in my " Big D Positive Things to Review" folder. Thanks for sharing as it is good stuff.
  14. Have had a double edge sword form of inferiorty complex and low self esteem for over fifty years. And it appers to get worse with our depression as our family members age. No meds, no CBT, no positive thoughts nor trying to love my brain has helped me. Staying busy and forcing myself to do the few things that I like are about the best things I have found to give me the slightest pain relief. I'm just trying to hang on a few more years until the next life. There are members here who are struggling just as you are. And if you look around you will find someone who has it much worse that you do...like me. Try some of the coping measures from members here, it sounds like you might be able to beat it; hang tough!
  15. I recently Googled Depression and Anger and you wouldn't belive the hits and data out there that verifies that anger is related to depression. With my family the older we get the more angry we get. We don't hurt ourselves or anyone else physically, but we can really spew some verbal venom when we exit from our semi-seclusion.
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