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duck

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  1. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    my oldest daughter Laurel has been staying down at her grandma's house for about a week, doing sewing camp and home ec, with her grandma (my mom), and cousins.
    My wife is down there dropping off my middle daughter Sophie.  Sophie's in it for all the right reasons but mainly for the kittens, one or two of which she is about to inherit.
     
    My daughter Laurel just called me, to see how I was doing, and she broke down in tears, afraid.  And I rose to the occasion, and calmly, confidently, warmly assured her that everything would be okay, that we've done this and been through this before, and we will get through together etc
    At best, I believe that maybe up to half the time, and I am not sure if I want it to be true anymore.
     
  2. Sad
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    I just lost my job.
    There is no buffer.  I don't know what we will do.
    Although I'm trying not to think of it too much right now, I feel like this is my time to go.  I've had enough.
    Right now I suppose I will go home maybe and sleep.
  3. Like
    duck reacted to JD4010 in Today 3   
    Precisely. Although I'll bet Big Pharma does try to patent the plants by having Monsanto develop "strains" that are government approved. We all know that the government is owned by the very industries you listed above.
  4. Like
    duck reacted to sober4life in Today 3   
    I've never had mushrooms surprisingly.  I've had acid.  Mix that with someone that already has hallucinations and feels paranoia and slips into a delusional world on a regular basis and it was a nightmare.  The first time I did it it was in a massive snowstorm back when I was young when it really used to have snow storms here in Ohio.  I didn't feel anything at first either.  I was very angry with my friend who was in the car with me because I thought he ripped me off.  Then the Mario Bros song from the first game back on Nintendo started playing and I looked forward and there were question mark boxes in the sky and we were jumping up and hitting them while driving in the car in a snowstorm.  Lots of times back in the day when we got really stoned we went to what we called Nintendo Land where real life seemed like we were in an old Nintendo game.  People and everything around you looked like it had the bad graphics you would see in Nintendo games.
  5. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    psilo cybin I
    Last night, I consumed 3 special fungi, and then an hour later 4 more, and my friend Arjun's house.  I felt something, a tingling, buzzing, hard to define.  We took his dog on a walk.  Then came back and listened to music for 2-3 hours.  And then I went home, which is a few minutes walking distance.
    At that point, I had to deal with a situation with my toddler son being up late eating candy, and a disagreement with my wife over that, which was an unpleasant interruption, but such is life.
    Finally, I got the kids to bed and laid back in mine, listening to a playlist the Hopkins doctors put together, and helpfully published on Spotify.  Really gorgeous music.
    I experienced death.  I saw myself separate from my body and look back at myself until the body disappeared too, and there was nothing there.  At a certain point, I got up and looked down at the bed to make sure this was or wasn't real.  I realize this point makes no sense, and it didn't, but yet it was.
    I laid back down.  I did not really see colors or hallucinatory images while my eyes were open.  As I closed my eyes, vivid moving images began to appear.  The best I can describe it, was like a waking dream.  I was swept up by a vortex into one mercurial, swirling, morphing reality in front of me.  It was like a combination of all the best movie scenes where the sky opens, and suddenly everything changes.  Everything was connected.  What I took to be sacred geometric shapes morphed with barely discernible faces emitting a low, rumbling chant-like sound.  They seemed sentient.  As they shifted in state, by turns, they absorbed me, and continued to undulate, folding inside out and then imploding repeatedly in on themselves in what felt an infinite regress. 
    Thus, for me, the effects seemed to really kick in much later than what others report.  For me, I did not really have the experience until several hours after eating the mushrooms (which are technically the fruiting body, the vegetative part of the mycelium).
    The shapes and faces and imagery are hard to describe.   They were horrifyingly beautiful as they morphed in form.  It seemed like some brooding, primordial ooze, but merged with sentient, transcendent splendor. 
    Again, and again I was absorbed into the firmament, whatever it was, completely integrated within until I became part of the same.  And then extruded.*  The sensation of dying and being reborn was unmistakable, and became pleasant.
    None of this lasted very long.  The experience came and went within an hour.  Some of it was pensive, serene, punctuated by moments of startling intensity and shocking momentousness.
    I have not integrated it fully yet into returning.
    I should note that while they certainly were some variety of psychoactive mushroom, I do not know if they were psilocybin cubensis, which is the particular species most studied and used.  I do not know that this matters.
    For several reasons, including the interruption, I probably plan to do it again at least once more.  Arjun, who is something of a guide, says it is best to do this over several sessions.  I don't know, but I see no reason not to.  It was a pleasant experience unlike anything I have ever received before.
     
    *I don't know if I thought of it then, but this is actually what would happen, were a person to cross the event horizon, and enter a black hole (and live to experience it).  The astrophysicists explain they would be stretched like a noodle and then extruded, but the density of the matter at its core, and intensity of the gravitational force.  There is an odd parallel to all of this.  A black hole that is 40 miles across in size on the outside, is nonetheless on the inside, the size of - a universe.  And so, it seems, wherever we look, whether in biology, or physics, or metaphysics, there are worlds inside of worlds, inside of worlds, inside of yet other worlds.  Perhaps it is 'turtles all the way down,' or something different.  But there is more in heaven and earth than has ever been dreamed of yet.
  6. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    The 50 state part should be right if the backward states catch up, which should happen since public opinion has shifted so decisively.
    The danger with big pharma is that they'll try to synthesize and patent something they claim is 'better.'  Otherwise, they will not have the sales advantage they do under the current pharma regime, which is between monopolistic and oligopolistic.  
    I believe both pharmas and probably alcoholic companies have begun investing in it.  It will be very interesting to see if the availability and acceptability of using weed reduces alcohol consumption any meaningful degree.  I rather doubt it, but I have noticed more and more adults who do not drink than I ever used to. 
  7. Like
    duck reacted to sober4life in Today 3   
    Weed will be legal in all 50 states by the time I'm 50.  Big pharma won't care as long as they can still sell it medically and the alcohol companies if they have any sense will invest their money in the marijuana business.  It is happening whether they like it or not so they might as well just be a part of it and they will.
  8. Sad
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    That's interesting. I'm not really sure but I'm going to agree with you for the most part.  that there enough except for the revenue part.
    Of course public opinion has been changing largely and rapidly.
    What keeps many of these things illegal are three industries: big pharma, private for-profit prison systems, and the worst legal drug that is everywhere, alcohol.
    You can't patent plants themselves.
  9. Like
    duck got a reaction from JD4010 in Today 3   
    Up days. Down days.  I guess I am surviving like the rest of us.  We finally have some warm days. The rain has subsided.
    I am shredding papers.  I have tons of it.  All kinds of junk.  Maybe I should start a mobile shredding business.   😀
  10. Like
    duck got a reaction from JD4010 in Today 3   
    Agreed!
  11. Like
    duck reacted to sober4life in Today 3   
    Everything should be legal.  Going to jail for trying to feel better is nonsense.  It's all about popular opinion really.  Governments want everyone to wake up tomorrow with a legalize everything attitude.  They want the tax money.  That's all they care about.  Popular opinion says these things should be illegal though and they want to seem like they are good so they go with popular opinion.  Every single type of high that exists illegally can be found in some pill out there so they just go that route and let the doctors sell it all.
  12. Like
    duck reacted to Rattler6 in Today 3   
    The Powers That Be.  I do know that states are starting to legalize more drugs even for recreational use which I am all for. 
  13. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    Duck,
    While no talk to.  I'm okay this weekend. Thanks.
    I'm supposed to be going to a friend's house any minute, to go on a fungal trip.
    I've been reading up and looking forward to this for a while, but it's getting a bit late so it might not happen tonight.
    Other than that I'm swimming with the kids, no plans.
    How about you? How are you doing?
  14. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    TPTB?
    The trend on these mushrooms and other such medicines is going in the direction of legality even the US right now.
    Colorado already has.
  15. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    I've heard the drive ones are just fine.
    🙄
     
  16. Like
    duck got a reaction from gandolfication in Today 3   
    @gandolfication How are you doing today?  Any plans for this weekend?
  17. Like
    duck got a reaction from BeyondWeary in Thinking   
    I did the MMPI 2 test and it stated I have been suffering from Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia) all my life.  I have been suffering from Major Depressive Disorder since about 2006.  I have been suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder since birth.  My point is these illnesses never go away.  We have to learn to cope.  There is NO CURE.  Sorry but that's the truth.
  18. Like
    duck got a reaction from Rattler6 in Today 3   
    @gandolfication How are you doing today?  Any plans for this weekend?
  19. Sad
    duck got a reaction from Devlinkyla in Thinking   
    I did the MMPI 2 test and it stated I have been suffering from Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia) all my life.  I have been suffering from Major Depressive Disorder since about 2006.  I have been suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder since birth.  My point is these illnesses never go away.  We have to learn to cope.  There is NO CURE.  Sorry but that's the truth.
  20. Like
    duck got a reaction from nojoy in Thinking   
    I did the MMPI 2 test and it stated I have been suffering from Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia) all my life.  I have been suffering from Major Depressive Disorder since about 2006.  I have been suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder since birth.  My point is these illnesses never go away.  We have to learn to cope.  There is NO CURE.  Sorry but that's the truth.
  21. Sad
    duck reacted to Rattler6 in Today 3   
    Yeah, I think TPTB have made it illegal in the USA.  Then again they like to ban something that there are market(s) for. 
  22. Like
    duck reacted to JD4010 in Today 3   
    Very exciting. And I'm quite envious. The supply has dried up around here apparently.
     
  23. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    J.D., you went back to Geribaldi.
    A wise choice.  I feel like if Geribaldi and Neo (or actual Keanu Reves) sat and talked for a while, they would likely solve most problems in the universe.
  24. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    I mentioned the negligible effect of the shrooms, although I did have a pleasant time sitting with Arjun talking and watching these immersive videos on his man-cave basement big screen projector of the VR video game, God of War.
    I have been spiraling of late, mainly in immediate despair over work and life support, as I still seem to be too slow at producing work on pace and volume that is just required everywhere.  I do not know if it is fixable, and I am sure that influences the second part of what is a pretty acute assault in being extremely depressed and anxious lately.
    I am attempting to modulate and not have high expectations of any psycha delic experience, which is weird because at the same time, obviously, I'm fantasizing about how the whole point is to use something to assist myself in helping me move past my own psychological frameworks into some more spiritual state, and thereby, among other things, bypass anxiousness and existential 'stuck'-ness.
    If nothing else, it seems fun and interesting, and something to look forward to exploring and as such, also something to stick around for, when thoughts have returned that this impulse to just keep continuing to live, seems increasingly neurotic and self-destructive in its own right.  With any admonition that these words are evidence that my mental illness is getting worse, and I should 'seek help' or whatever, the voice in me--what I'm increasingly thinking of the ego that is not really me*--answers back, with a question--both snarky and sincere:  on what basis, can anyone say that the impulse to die form the absurd world is LESS sane than the insane impulse to continue as long as possible?  The premise is that the world is absurd, so by its terms, nothing matters...which is a kind of freedom, including to terminate one's pain.
    And the ever-ruminating mind and ego-voice, just keeps going on...
    I'm tired.  I want to rest finally.
     
    *As I write or speak, I am continually reminded of how often and much, I use the word, "I", which seems boorishly self-interested.  yet, it is hard to write about one's feelings I suppose without telling it n the first person.  It seems like a time loop of some Greek tragedy of hubris and selfishness, where our would-be hero with feet of clay, is, unfortunately destined for tragedy.  
    Well, back to work, as if this is worth it.
  25. Like
    duck reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    So my friend who I'll call Arjun, has a way of speaking philosophically which sounds almost like Zen koans. People who do this too much or poorly would really irritate me... Like they're trying too hard at profundity.  But not Karn.  He was born in Bombay India, living Canada, and I don't know just has this true depth of thinking I have always appreciated.
    He's I think functionally agnostic, although he also has a way of speaking in a sense about spiritual things and what I would call an essential belief in a philosopher's God, without malice,or anger, that I inevitably find myself jealous of.  This almost universalist (but I think Catholic Christian influenced) sense of the divine with an all, is now appealing to me, whereas it also in the past would have really irritated me as being a new age contradiction.

    So, last night, we were talking, and in passing he mentions to me, "when you're afraid it's a sign that you're relying on yourself."
    Maybe it was the we ed, maybe it was the small mushroom and half I had just eaten a few minutes earlier, but it seemed profound to me.
    Everything is frightening.  Intensely. All the time. Fight or flight emergency.  You know the feeling well I am sure.  
    It's exhausting, and I'm exhausted by it.  last couple weeks building, and especially the last few days, I have felt myself surfing dangerous wave a fear in despair.  As this pain rises, so does my question as to why I stay here any longer.  One more, it seems convincing that this irrational impulse to survive, to continue.....is what is actually insane.

    And in this insane world, to the extent that it still makes any sense for me to try to appeal to rationality, I do not see a flaw in this logic.  Even saying I realize itself contradictory, which simply leaves me in the morass of absurdity.
    The magic shroom had a tingling effect and felt vaguely fun... but I had some vape beforehand (didn't know I'd be going over), so it was hard to distinguish from that.  I think if I'm able to go over again Saturday night and do the real trip, I will put nothing in my system beforehand.
    And I will bring ginger beer which is good for the stomach.
    So somehow Arjun seems genuinely able to convince himself about the power, truth and importance even if Jesus, Evan while he might admit we're also really think that it wasn't a real thing literally.  So it's almost like the truth from fables and literature that you and I talk about.
    And I guess, the more I think about it this is where I would like to be too.... I need to have a story that at least can try to make sense of things reconciling redeem them, Even if maybe I explicitly, consciously* admit that I don't believe it and it isn't true in a little physical sense, or that I can never possibly know and it's stupid, but so what the rest of life is utterly absurd also, so go with the story with the most internal adaptive explanatory power for me, right?
    I hope my continuing to ruminate about this with you isn't too annoying. (I try not to make it the most frequent thing I think and talk about,).

    But it also I think is just kind of the language in which I express my ever-worsening existential crisis.
     
    *I say that and almost hear a voice in my head saying, "you also could try just not being so literal about it, like many other people seem to be able to do," but then that voice is assassinated by what I assume to be the imagined rational self, endemic I presume with my ego, which I've just collided with in this sentence.
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