duck reacted to SpiralingMind for a blog entry, GRAPES
G Gentleness: Be gentle with yourself and your expectations.
R Relaxation: Do at least one relaxing thing.
A Accomplishments: Do something that makes you feel good about your abilities.
P Pleasure: Do something that brings you pleasure.
E Exercise: Do at least 30 minutes of exercise that gets your heart going.
S Social: Interact with positive people.
duck got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, From: Did You Accomplish Anything Today? Anything At All? If So, Post Here!
Source: Did You Accomplish Anything Today? Anything At All? If So, Post Here!
duck reacted to sadbrowneyes for a blog entry, Sexual Relations.
I have been in a relationship with the same guy for almost four years. If you have read my other blogs you may know about my recent sexual encounter with another man. I'm not particularly comfortable with talking about this, and I'm sorry if this is weird, but I need to vent/rant/talk about this.
In my twenty-three years on this planet and my twelve or so years of sexuality, I have yet to be fully satisfied by another human being when it comes to sex. I have a very high sex drive but no proper outlet to express these feelings. My relationship has been lacking in that department, which I feel has also effected us emotionally.
My boyfriend is significantly older than me, and since we've been together he has had a hard time 'keeping it up' --- for lack of a better phrase. I'm lucky if he can last more than five minutes before it's over. To make matters worse, it is rare that he will be able to have sex more than once in a day. I always feel awful after sex because I get nothing out of it. The only way I can be semi satisfied is if he performs oral sex on me. But I want something more than that, I want to be pleasured fully.
The lack of bedroom chemistry has begun to filter into our life. For the last two years I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to have sex with him because it goes so fast, and what's the point of taking my clothes off if I am just going to put them back on two minutes later? He has complained about the lack of sex multiple times, but I just don't see the point any more. I almost feel disgusted when we do, because there is no romantic chemistry or anything of the sort. We have tried to spice it up, but it just doesn't do anything for me. I am not satisfied with him sexually.
I am not going to make excuses for my sexual encounter with another man, because what I did was wrong and I feel very guilty for doing it. But what has made it even worse was that the guy that I had sex with couldn't keep it up either. We would just be about to have sex and he wouldn't be hard. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, and eventually gave up. He kept saying he would be better the next time, but I didn't and don't want there to be a next time so I am now ignoring him. I couldn't believe what a waste of time that was. I felt awful for doing it and I still felt dissatisfied.
I am beginning to wonder if it is me, or maybe my choice in men? In any case, this has been a reoccurring problem throughout my entire life. I have never been able to have an orgasm unless it is by oral sex. And, to be honest, I crave more than that.
Is it me? Is it my decisions? Something I'm doing wrong? I am so confused and very sexually frustrated.
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Could This Be Real??
So this last week or so has been interesting for the first time since before I was 7 I think I've felt happy genuinely happy I feel so much lighter and have actually been excited for what's to come I have nobody around me who is trying to hurt me anymore.....I have people around me who believe in what I can do. I feel like I'm finally making choices with what I want to do......and for the first time I'm not doing thing people tell me to do I am doing them because I want.to do them. I will not be continuing with the next 6 months of group I feel I no longer need it I am comfortable where I am at and feel I don't need the extra support my individual therapist doesn't agree but she only meet me.the start of this year when everything started to change so she has known me no other way when I started group I said I was doing 6 months then re assess and I have and it's not for me so now I have to stick by it and.tell her I won't.be continuing she thinks I'm closing doors but I am opening new ones to a different future thank you
I'm scared this won't last and it's just fake.but.I have to hold onto what I can and keep it with me!
duck reacted to Hertz for a blog entry, Dream: Toby Mcguire Is My Brother
I learn that somehow the actor Toby McGuire is my brother. For some reason, I believe this relationship comes from the paternal side of my family only.
I start wondering about the possibilities this fact opens up, now that I have connections with Hollywood.
Later, I'm in line in a sort of cafeteria. I pass multiple types of food and meals. I pass a chicken submarine on offer, and realize I'm at the end of the line and arrived at the cash register. I don't want to end up with nothing so I order two chicken submarines. It turns out also that I am a black man.
Interpretation: I have unrealistic expectations. I need to come down from lofty ambitions and idealistic notions and take what's available.
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Nobody Cares, So Why Bother
I am feeling defeated and don't know how much longer I can fight for I'm so tied, I know I have been here before and have come out feeling better but it just keeps coming back and back again....it's doesn't get easier as they say it's all a bunch of bulls*** and I no longer trust anyone.....I'm falling apart and fast.....I have no one left I'm so alone and don't know how to get through again
duck reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, Long Time, No Blog
Wow. I haven't blogged in awhile. But so what? It ain't like people are lined up waiting for my next blog entry.
It's been a year since I moved out of the house where I'd lived with my ex for 25 years. I still go over there from time to time to help with projects. For instance, this past weekend I crawled up on the roof and cleaned out the gutters. To me, it's an enjoyable but very messy job. Since I was already hot and smelly, I mowed both the front and back yards.
Yes, this is my ex's house now. But my daughter still lives there. And a hunk of my monthly maintenance/alimony payment goes towards the mortgage and taxes of the place. Whatever.
I haven't been involved with anything much outside of work and hanging out with my cats in the apartment. I was in a couple of "Meet Up" groups but didn't get much out of them. Same holds for the 5 or so AA meetings I attended. That was just like going to church as far as I was concerned.
I need to become active in something. But with work, I don't have all that much time during the evenings to do anything. I try to be in bed by 8 or 9 p.m. so I can be up by 5.
I need to get out of this office for awhile. I want to road trip it out west to visit my long distance girlfriend. We've never met in person, but have talked & texted with each other daily. I really want to have us together in person. Gotta find the time--and money--to make the 3000 mile round trip.
duck reacted to Catalan for a blog entry, Depression & Loss Of Desire For Hobbies
The emotionally painful part of this bout with depression has passed for the time being. However, there's been one lasting effect on me.
Depression has sapped my desire to do things.
I have all these dreams and goals. But the recurring feeling in my mind has been, "I have no energy to do them." Everything seems like too tall an order. Anything I could reasonably do is too small to be worth the energy spent on it. I find myself wedged in the space of wanting to do things, but being too devoid of energy and motivation to get them done. Anything I might want to do becomes aimless. I lose sight of the big picture, the end goal. And when I try to find it, I become frustrated. It's so far away, there's so much work that I can't bring myself to do.
I hate wasting away my days doing nothing. I try not to imagine myself as being someone who is likely to have a very above average life and level of success - though that's a hard thing for me to shake off - but I know I'm capable of more than this. The problem is ultimately a chemical one. The feel-good hormones in my brain (dopamine, etc.) aren't being produced like they used to. As a result, anhedonia. Stuff doesn't feel good to do. And thus, no urge to do these things.
This is what makes depression so debilitating for me.
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Dear Fellow Bloggers
I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.
duck reacted to qwerty21 for a blog entry, I'm Okay
In recent weeks I have been feeling better than earlier. I'd say I'm not depressed anymore. I'm taking mood medication so that might affect. Also my Crohn's has improved slightly. I'm eating like a powder that I bought from pharmacy. I stir it into yogurt and it's just like muesli so it tastes okay, so that actually has helped my disease so I'm feeling better mentally too. Finally the third thing that has maybe helped me is getting back to poker, my old job. I consider it a hobby now though cos my disease makes it harder to play. I have no girlfriend at the moment or just friends even. When I play poker, I'm concentrated on that and I don't feel lonely. Also I have been doing okay at it, I have won some money.
Certainly things could be worse. I listen to music. I like Kanye West particularly. Music definitely lifts up my spirit. I like myself. My money situation is good. I am confident that I can live a moderate lifestyle without running out of money till I die. Moderate lifestyle meaning that I can still go to a restaurant sometimes or buy like one item per month that I don't really "need". This paragraph became a little incoherent, haha, sorry about that.
I am supposed to follow a pretty strict diet so that could make my Crohn's a bit better. The problem is that I'm too lazy/too self-indulgent to follow that. That is just my decision. It's like if I made the effort and started to follow it, I would have to do that for the rest of my life. And I think that's just not me, that's too hard for me. That's my decision. This is my life.
I'm hopeful that a new medication will help me. It has not been started yet for me, but soon it will be. I guess the point of this blog post is that my Crohn's could be better, but it has been worse. And my mood could be a little better, but it could be a lot worse.
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Intensive Dbt Program
Today I meet my psychologists for the next year while I do an intensive small group of dbt. It has a weekly meeting plus an hr appointment with my psychologists on different days. The also encourage you to call anytime you need support.witch I will have to learn as I find that very hard.....
So it looks like a lot of hard work ahead but I am praying it's for the best.
duck reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, Beating Myself Up
Been going thru a bad patch lately. Just feeling overwhelmingly sad, exhausted and just overwhelmed. Again nothings changed, nothing happened to warrant it, its just hopefully a passing thing.
I've felt a lot of shame lately about my depression. I feel very embarrassed about it even though I'm not discussing it with anyone, I just have this fear in me about what others think of me. I know no one thinks of me. period. I just feel very ashamed lately. I know deep down this is a disease and I can't control it, but lately I think I'm just not trying hard enough
sometimes I think how pathetic it is that I can't control my own thoughts. Your mind is yours, you think what you want, you are in control of your thoughts, therefore I'm creating my own problem, right? How pathetic does it sound to say out loud that I have an invisible illness that controls my thoughts? Now that sounds crazy. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I should be locked up?
Why is it so difficult to put a happy face on and show the world I'm fine even though I'm not, everyone else can. People are dealing with far worse disasters in their life than an invisible sadness and they manage to hide it.
I keep telling myself that I'm strong, cause I have no friends and go days with no words spoken to me, I sit at a job for 8 hrs a day where I'm hated, no one cares if I'm even alive and yet I get up everyday and repeat this everyday and haven't given in to offing myself and ending the pain. But in the same breath I think how I'm not stong, I'm just pathetic and weak waiting for someone to love me and am too much of a wimp to attempt s*icide.
duck reacted to QulaiThere for a blog entry, Can't Stop Laughing
A friend and I are having a war of sorts. We're playing pranks on each other. Nothing too serious, but I almost passed out laughing so much from seeing her freak out so badly today. I was on the floor laughing trying to answer her message threatening to get me back. It was pretty great.
I don't usually do things like that, but it just started one day. I guess I'm usually too serious to do these kinds of things. (I am a little afraid of getting in trouble with the neighbors, though, for being too loud) But it's fun. I just forget myself for a bit when I decide to do a prank.
I caught her in the middle of a prank yesterday. She scared herself more than she could me. And after getting her (and her bf) today, she's really serious about getting me back. So it's fun anticipating what's next. Though, anytime she sends me a message or I'm walking to my door, I get really paranoid. hahaha. So stupid.
I'm having fun, though. :)
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Now What
Now what am I ment to do......I wasn't ment to make it past April and into may.....
I don't know where to go from here.......
I have a discharge appointment with the psychiatrist next week, this is the lady who placed me under a 24hr form. I'm so scared to go!!!
I feel deserted.by everyone and feel I can no longer say the truth....it hurts....I'm sad......
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Home
I am home again now I spent 6 days in hospital one day locked ward. My friend. Is staying with me tonight. She has done so much for me. She bought me cloths because my ones had cords and that wasn't aloud, so I had to wear a bad horrible nighty till she arrived with something I was so lucky she was aloud to visit.
All I did in hospital was sleep and then go to my friends for dinner. Her and her daughter even visited me to pass time.
I am so lucky to have such a beautiful friend. And now I can have friends p is gone.
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Locked Word
So Friday I went to an appointment with my case manager.......I ended up in the locked ward of a mental health unit. I had to stay overnight. I'm off the locked ward and on the open ward as voluntary but if I don't return after the time I'm told I'll be classes as a missing person. Get that. At least I can go home a bit now.
Wow I'm tied.
duck reacted to glassfallen for a blog entry, Painful Beginnings
When something is happening you don't understand it can be very scary.
Funnily enough I was 23 when my journey began... I just didn't know it then. It all started in a decision made 4 months before I even noticed anything was wrong. I was training 4-5 times a week at the time, all different martial arts pursuing my goal of getting into the fight business. I had pulled the muscles in my calves and was hobbling everywhere I walked, so logically I decided to take a couple of weeks off training, it was only a couple of weeks till Christmas anyway so I figured I'd recover and start again after Christmas. A good plan in theory.
I rested and healed up, finished essays and coursework that needed doing and on 26th of December I went back to training. It's crazy how one split second can change so much. I had a strong Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu session and decided I'd stay behind to do an extra hour of sparring since I'd been off for so long. It couldn't have been ten minutes before I got caught in one hell of a tight arm-bar. I tapped straight away but it still wasn't fast enough, and the ligaments in my elbow went. I knew instantly I was hurt bad, (luckily it was only a sprain) but that was another 6 weeks minimum out. Just like that I was stuck with only one session for about 12 weeks total.
Now I'm a dude who needs to train, that's my stress relief. Looking back I can fully appreciate just how much I need it. So while I was resting I began feeling really bad pains in my stomach. I was back and forth to the doctors (there's a story hear about a p***k of a doctor hear but I won't go into it) but they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Now I was in a world of hurt, I couldn't eat, had no energy was feeling miserable. No prizes for saying what's actually happening here. After one trip to the doctors in February, he suggested that he think that it's stress and I need to find ways to deal with it. He was very sympathetic and told me to come back weekly. I'm convinced he knew what was happening and was just easing me into the next step because over the next 2 weeks, was when everything went to hell.
This is when the cocoon phase began. I zipped myself into a sleeping bag and refused to get out of it. Now this idea "came" to me because I felt cold one day, looking now it's obvious what that sleeping bag meant to my brain. It was a physical shield from the world, that much is obvious. Now I was less than useless at this point. My girlfriend couldn't get me out of the bag, and I spent all day playing playstation and computer games. How my girl put up with it I don't know, because she was studying to be a teacher at the time and had a very full plate. She didn't need my issues dragging her down even more. I mention this specifically because it was a key factor over the next few months. While my girl was working hard, studying and working part time I was playing games and slowly losing everything that made me me. Depression isn't something that happens, it's not a sudden drop to rock bottom, it's a very slow and agonising.
Next entry will be about how I lived over the next month.
duck reacted to dondi2538 for a blog entry, Interview
SO I have an interview for Wendys tomorrow. Do I hope I get it? I don't know. If I do fine. If not, oh well.
I'm still agonizing over Debora and her dislike of me. In turn I now dislike her. I really wanted us to be friends but she's being a real Biotch about it so screw her.
yesterday I actually couldnt finish my dinner. I felt sad. I still feel sad. I want to stay under the covers forever.
duck reacted to Hertz for a blog entry, Dream: Hanging; Moving Out; Summer Camp; Girl Neighbors
I'm inside a house that looks like the one I grew up in. A seven year old boy just died. He hung himself. His head is shaven. I question his mother. It turns out he was allowed to play with a rope, and was taught how to tie a slipknot. I admonish the mother for letting her son play with a rope by himself.
I rent and move out into a room inside a house, where a bunch of young people live. The house is reminiscent of the one I grew up in. My boss from my job tells me there is a grocery store really close.
I don't really like the people, so I move out again. The new place has a different layout. There is also a bunch of young people living there. I like them better. Suddenly I want to cry. I decide to do it publicly. Some of them approach to console me. I tell them I am homesick.
This triggers a memory. I remember something that happened when I was 8 years old. I am reliving it. I'm in the house I lived in when I was a child. I just came back from summer camp, and I feel devastated because I didn't want to return. I can't fathom the gap between all the good I received during this camp, and the life I have in this house.
I walk out, still in a daze. It is a sunny summer day. When I arrive on the sidewalk I turn right. I see three young women who live in the house next to mine. Their back is turned to me. I remember that their father is dead.
I'm sitting with one of them. She's wearing either a bathing suit or very short shorts. As we talk I start caressing her right leg. She enjoys it.
When I was seven, a part of me died. It was the year when my parents divorced and my father moved out.
The shaved head means that the little boy inside me wants to reveal more about himself.
I desire a profound change. If I make a change that brings me closer to the life I had with my family, I'm able to reject it and make other changes. When I make changes that bring me farther from my family situation, I can be unsettled by the unfamiliarity, and a part of me wants to go back. Yet, going back would just bring a feeling of devastation, similar to when I got back from a summer camp.
When I do end up doing things that bring me nearer to my family situation, getting closer to my feminine side helps.
In the first house where I move in, my boss tells me that the grocery store is near, because living in this environment makes me lack nurturance.
duck reacted to Shmooey for a blog entry, Still On Disability
Haven't posted an update in a little while-
I am still on disability from work (short term through their insurance policy), as of January 12. I am not doing much better than when I started. My Haldol got doubled from 7.5 mg to 15 mg and that helped with the auditory hallucinations a lot, but it doesn't help with my delusions or paranoid thinking (I'm schizoaffective depressive type).
I see my psychologist every week and thank God he supports me in being on permanent disability since that's what I seem to need. The most I've been out of the house since i started on disability is 9 1/2 hours, spaced over five days in a week. Other than that, I isolate due to my severe agoraphobia.
Right now the plan is to ride out the short term disability to their long term disability policy and then start a SSDI claim. I am going to contact a disability lawyer about that (and will likely take you up on your offer to answer questions, T on C).
I just feel so hopeless, that this is never going to be better and I am going to continue to decline. My depression is under control with Effexor, but the schizoaffective makes my thinking patterns disordered and keeps me from doing work related skills like problem solving, decision making, interacting with other people, deciphering puzzling situations (there are a lot of those at my job).
I have excellent pdoc and tdoc, so that is in my favor, but overall, I think this is it for me employment wise.
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, End Of April
All I am doing is waiting until the end of April. I've just come home from seeing my peer support worker and she is trying to get me to see my future and what I can do with myself. I can't see past the end of April. I don't know what I am to do anymore I've lost all my motivation for life.....I can't say to much to anyone or you will be stopped. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore I'm just floating by in this life drifting like a price of rubbish in the wind.
duck reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Loosing Faith
I am loosing faith in not only myself but also my team who are looking after me. I feel I can not tell them anything without some sort of problem occurring weather it be them having to tell somebody else what I said or if they told me they wouldn't do something then changing there minds and having to do something about it.
So I have learnt to keep my mouth semi shut I know how far I can go in my talk, I mean I am still learning how much I can say but at least I am learning I guess. It's just frustrating knowing I can not be completely honest when that's what this is all ment to be for isn't it.
I am so tied with everything and find everyday task so hard to do. I feel I am loosing the battle with myself. I feel like all I have learnt in therapy over the years has been a waste of time. I feel like I'm broken again but this time the pieces are to small to be put back together. I am just so exhausted.
duck reacted to Hertz for a blog entry, Attack On Titan: The Difficult Passage To Adulthood
Last Sunday I watched the first six episodes of the anime series Attack on Titan.
As Wikipedia describes it: "It is set in a world where humanity lives inside cities surrounded by enormous walls as a defense against the Titans, gigantic humanoid creatures who eat humans seemingly without reason."
It centers around a group of teenagers who join the military to fight the Titans.
To me, this series is a metaphor of the anxiety linked with the transition to adulthood.
The gigantic walls represent ways to block out the adult world and maintain a child-like life.
The Titans symbolize the fears related to adult life, as seen through the eyes of an unprepared teenager. As such, adulthood can be seen as ruthless, senseless, intent on eating your soul, trying to force you out of childhood with brutality.
It is not a coincidence that they are giants: they are like adults as seen through the eyes of a child.
The fortified city evokes a cradle. The way the Colossal Titan overlooks the city is reminiscent of how a baby sees a parent overlook him in his cradle.
At 33, I'm only beginning to make the transition to adulthood. For years I was living in fear of it, trying to keep it at bay at all cost, by prolonging my studies much longer than needed. Only recently did I decide, like the teens in the series, to stand up to the Titans.
duck reacted to Ixeua for a blog entry, I Like Doing Short Tasks Done In A Short Time To Manage My Depression
Here's a list of things I plan to accomplish in the next 4 hours. I do not plan to grind in those 4 hours. However those 4 hours will be spent on a series of segments of high intensity tasks done in a short time to train myself to refocus.
The point here is to do something that requires you to train your ability to focus. Depression tends to worsen when you are alone and thinking. By forcing myself to do something that requires my utmost concentration and something that seems therapeutic. I can train my mind to refocus away from depression. Training your mind to refocus on something else that requires deep focus will help you "forget" the depression temporarily and bring your mind to some stability.
Medium intensity exercise.
If I have a little time left I will read on something that interests me like Fluid Mechanics.
It's important that you do not give yourself too much time or too much to do. Otherwise procrastination sets in. Then while you procrastinate, you overthink and ruminate. Then depression inevitably sets in.
When I exercise, for instance, I usually do a high intensity workout with short rest intervals (no more than a minute) and attempt to complete the session in 15 - 22 minutes if my depressions is pretty bad that day. The reason behind this is to make sure that no time is wasted due to rumination which leads to depression.
Today, I plan to keep drawing on a project of mine under 1 hour. I do not plan to finish the project under one hour. I do not think it is even realistic to do so. But after 1 hour I immediately move on to my 2nd project and start on that regardless of the state of the first. I can come back to that on my next session. The point here is that I maintain that level of focus before it leads to fatigue or boredom from doing the same task continously for a long time; 2 factors that can contribute to depression.
There is a simple psychological principle that is wired in most of us: It's impossible to focus on two things at once.