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  1. 'budfox', on 03 Jul 2010 - 23:03, said: I was going to write this post as a journal entry to myself as I'm feeling very low and panicky at the moment. However on the off-chance that it might be of benefit to some of the good, nay great, folks on DF I thought I might as well post it here. I read a lot of the posts on this forum and one very common feature of what people are going through is the fear and panic they feel at what is happening to them. Browse through the posts and you will see a lot of, 'I don't know what's happening', 'Something is not right', 'I'm losing my mind', etc. I've made similar statements in some of my previous posts on this very forum in the past. Even though I've suffered from depression for more than 10 years I am still freaking out at how bad I'm feeling right now. Surely by now I should be an expert at managing this? I have had enough experience after all. So, this is what I'm trying to tell myself (and for what it's worth I know this to be totally true, it's just that depression sometimes casts a dark fog over our thinking): For all the terrible symptoms it produces we are all suffering from the SAME basic condition. Of course depression and anxiety affect us uniquely, such is the nature of a disease of the most amazing and complex system known to man, the human brain. However, even though we probably all feel like we are going through something totally personal to us, and I don't deny that in a sense we are, essentially we're all suffering from the same underlying illness, caused by abnormal changes in our brain neurochemistry. The reason none of us can just 'snap out' of depression is that it's an absolutely real illness. Stop thinking of the symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of something that is deeply wrong with you. You're just ill. In the future they will be able to precisely elucidate the neurochemical changes that are going on within the brain. For now, they have kind of a rough idea of what's going on but not much more than that. Some days I wake up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no interest in anybody or anything. Then a day later I can wake up and feel totally normal. Nothing in my life circumstances has changed from the bad day to the good day, it just so happens that for some reason that is inexplicable to me on the first day my neurochemistry is screwed up and on the second day it is within normal ranges. So whatever weird, horrifying, disturbing symptoms you are suffering from please try to remember that you're just ill. If it was an illness of the body you would feel pain or you would have difficulty walking or impaired vision. However, because illnesses like diabetes, arthritis, etc affect organs other than the brain the symptoms they produce, while they can of course be very serious, are still more uniform and less confounding than an illness which affects the brain, an organ many many times more complex than anything else in these bodies of ours. If you feel totally down or anxious when reading this then just accept that there is little that you can do about the way you feel right now to feel instantly better, although of course things like exercise and certain fast acting medications can help greatly. But also know that your brain chemistry is in flux and you are not going to carry on feeling like this forever. There's no point trying to analyse the way you feel or trying to think the way out of your depression, anymore than it would make sense to try and think your way out of diabetes. The depression or anxiety is there, it is making you feel so bad and when it goes you will feel better. I realise that we might all have developed depression for different reasons but I doubt there is one person on this forum that can say that his or her life circumstances are absolutely unique and that the life he or she has gone through is worse than that experienced by many of the millions of people who go through terrible things but don't ever develop depression. Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take hope in the knowledge that this will get better. Many posters are also blaming themselves for something that is not in the least their fault and saying things like 'I feel like a loser', 'I don't feel worthy', etc, etc. I say to you 'Nonsense!!!' You are just ill. In fact you are more worthy than most because you're dealing with a horrible illness and still managing to keep going. Most of you deserve medals, I tell you that. You're soldiers. Yet because our society is so nasty and backwards, we are still expected to function as well as people who don't have depression at all. When I think about how I am, I mean how functional I am on a good day as compared to a bad day, the gulf between the two is massive. The bad day Bud cannot possibly hope to compete with the good day Bud. It's like trying to be in a fight with someone with one hand tied behind your back. So be realistic and don't be too hard on yourselves. When you're down then do what you can but don't expect too much. Be gentle. As for what everyone in your company or your social circle thinks, to hell with them. They're not experiencing this and you are. Human beings like to go around feeling superior to others and judgmental, especially in modern workplaces. Their lack of sympathy, empathy or understanding is a sad reflection on them, not on you. I tell you you are all wonderful people and it pains me to see you suffer. Well maybe right at the moment you can't help the suffering but you can avoid compounding it. Let's support each other through this and take the view that we are in it together. Know that if you post here you'll get a reply, so however incapable of understanding people in your lives might be, you'll always have this forum to come to. I don't know about you but I at least find great solace in that. Thanks for listening. B
    187 points
  2. I was going to write this post as a journal entry to myself as I'm feeling very low and panicky at the moment. However on the off-chance that it might be of benefit to some of the good, nay great, folks on DF I thought I might as well post it here. I read a lot of the posts on this forum and one very common feature of what people are going through is the fear and panic they feel at what is happening to them. Browse through the posts and you will see a lot of, 'I don't know what's happening', 'Something is not right', 'I'm losing my mind', etc. I've made similar statements in some of my previous posts on this very forum in the past. Even though I've suffered from depression for more than 10 years I am still freaking out at how bad I'm feeling right now. Surely by now I should be an expert at managing this? I have had enough experience after all. So, this is what I'm trying to tell myself (and for what it's worth I know this to be totally true, it's just that depression sometimes casts a dark fog over our thinking): For all the terrible symptoms it produces we are all suffering from the SAME basic condition. Of course depression and anxiety affect us uniquely, such is the nature of a disease of the most amazing and complex system known to man, the human brain. However, even though we probably all feel like we are going through something totally personal to us, and I don't deny that in a sense we are, essentially we're all suffering from the same underlying illness, caused by abnormal changes in our brain neurochemistry. The reason none of us can just 'snap out' of depression is that it's an absolutely real illness. Stop thinking of the symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of something that is deeply wrong with you. You're just ill. In the future they will be able to precisely elucidate the neurochemical changes that are going on within the brain. For now, they have kind of a rough idea of what's going on but not much more than that. Some days I wake up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no interest in anybody or anything. Then a day later I can wake up and feel totally normal. Nothing in my life circumstances has changed from the bad day to the good day, it just so happens that for some reason that is inexplicable to me on the first day my neurochemistry is screwed up and on the second day it is within normal ranges. So whatever weird, horrifying, disturbing symptoms you are suffering from please try to remember that you're just ill. If it was an illness of the body you would feel pain or you would have difficulty walking or impaired vision. However, because illnesses like diabetes, arthritis, etc affect organs other than the brain the symptoms they produce, while they can of course be very serious, are still more uniform and less confounding than an illness which affects the brain, an organ many many times more complex than anything else in these bodies of ours. If you feel totally down or anxious when reading this then just accept that there is little that you can do about the way you feel right now to feel instantly better, although of course things like exercise and certain fast acting medications can help greatly. But also know that your brain chemistry is in flux and you are not going to carry on feeling like this forever. There's no point trying to analyse the way you feel or trying to think the way out of your depression, anymore than it would make sense to try and think your way out of diabetes. The depression or anxiety is there, it is making you feel so bad and when it goes you will feel better. I realise that we might all have developed depression for different reasons but I doubt there is one person on this forum that can say that his or her life circumstances are absolutely unique and that the life he or she has gone through is worse than that experienced by many of the millions of people who go through terrible things but don't ever develop depression. Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take hope in the knowledge that this will get better. Many posters are also blaming themselves for something that is not in the least their fault and saying things like 'I feel like a loser', 'I don't feel worthy', etc, etc. I say to you 'Nonsense!!!' You are just ill. In fact you are more worthy than most because you're dealing with a horrible illness and still managing to keep going. Most of you deserve medals, I tell you that. You're soldiers. Yet because our society is so nasty and backwards, we are still expected to function as well as people who don't have depression at all. When I think about how I am, I mean how functional I am on a good day as compared to a bad day, the gulf between the two is massive. The bad day Bud cannot possibly hope to compete with the good day Bud. It's like trying to be in a fight with someone with one hand tied behind your back. So be realistic and don't be too hard on yourselves. When you're down then do what you can but don't expect too much. Be gentle. As for what everyone in your company or your social circle thinks, to hell with them. They're not experiencing this and you are. Human beings like to go around feeling superior to others and judgmental, especially in modern workplaces. Their lack of sympathy, empathy or understanding is a sad reflection on them, not on you. I tell you you are all wonderful people and it pains me to see you suffer. Well maybe right at the moment you can't help the suffering but you can avoid compounding it. Let's support each other through this and take the view that we are in it together. Know that if you post here you'll get a reply, so however incapable of understanding people in your lives might be, you'll always have this forum to come to. I don't know about you but I at least find great solace in that. Thanks for listening. B
    146 points
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    92 points
  4. GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    What we do matters. They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself. How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does..... How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
    51 points
  5. I just wanted to take a moment and tell you all that I am so proud of you for waking up to another day. I know it may be hard and I know you all are struggling, but what matters most is that you survived another difficult day- know why? Because you are strong. You have managed to fight those depressive thoughts and managed to wake up to another morning. I want us all to be proud of each other for still being here and not giving in to our suicidal thoughts. You all deserve better days and better lives, but don't forget how strong you are for facing your own battle. Sometimes, it may seem like you are waking up to the same morning or same day, but just try to believe in that one special day where everything changes. It's almost like war- there's almost no way to determine when the battle will end, but there will always be an ending. That day will come. Just keep it in mind. I wish you all the best day/night, and again: I'm so proud to see all of you who make it past each and every night. Every day you wake up to is another yesterday succeeded! Keep your heads up! You got this
    44 points
  6. If you're new to our community, taking the step for the first time to post publicly to a message board can sometimes seem intimidating. Don't be afraid to jump into a discussion once you have registered with us. We have a very supportive community that serves up heavy doses of support, encouragement and enthusiasm. We love meeting new people and being friendly. While we hope that you'll become an active participant and join in our discussions, you're welcome, of course, to simply hang out silently until you feel more comfortable posting a message. This Welcome Topic is for a short Introduction to our members/community. It is not intended to tell your story or to journal/Blog. That is saved for the other forums or for your Blog in your Settings after five posts, here at the DF which you may create. ***As a new member, you will have the ability to post two active topics in each Forum. You may reply to as many as you wish. Click on "New Topic" or you may "Reply" to an ongoing post. You will get the hang of it if you have never posted in a forum before. If you find it necessary to post about a topic that HAS NOT been covered and you have reached your two Topic limit for that particular forum, you will find a SPECIAL NEW MEMBER POSTING AREA on page one in every room. Please feel free to post there if no other topic covers your area of concern. *An active topic is defined as a topic that is on the front page of our busier forums or a topic that has received replies in the last 48 hours in our quiter forums. If you are in major crisis you may post your topic in Members Needing Extra Support Now (Members Needing Extra Support Now) ~Lindsay, Forum Super Administrator
    43 points
  7. If you’re feeling suicidal, please read this. I originally wrote this for World Suicide Prevention Day. It is aimed towards someone who may be considering taking steps towards ending their own lives. If this is you please read on and I hope that you can find something in these words that makes you see that your life is precious. I may not know you personally but if I could I would reach out and hug you first and foremost. You may feel alone in this world and like there is no point in carrying on but this is simply not true. While I don’t know you, the fact that you are struggling and feeling like this is the only option shows me that you are a person who can feel things so deeply and I believe that whatever you may have done there is at least one person who does care deeply for you. If you can not think of one then let me tell you that I care about you. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this. If you are still reading then thank you for not turning and running . That shows that within you there is strength to confront what you are feeling and also hope that maybe there is something else you can do to avoid this, what to you may feel like is the only, course of action. You are doing so well just reading this and trying to see if there is something you can do and I hope you can hold on to this however tiny it may seem. Thank you for still reading. I’m now going to offer you some things you may like to do before you go any further. You don’t have to do them but I hope there is one thing here that may help you. Here they are: Call, text or email someone, explaining how you feel, if you can. This could be a friend, relative, medical professional or a charity helpline. The Samaritans offer non-judgmental advice 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Take a bath or shower and try to relax for an hour. In this time try to think about yourself and treat yourself with respect. Write one thing that you can do. It may be that you can take some lovely photographs, it may be that you make a brilliant meal or it might be that you always make yourself available to others. There is, I’m sure, one thing that you can do. Do that one thing that you can do. Go for a walk if you feel that you can do so while still remaining safe, If possible make sure that someone knows where you will be going and how long you plan to be. This gives you a chance to roam in mind as well as body but still keep in mind that people are waiting and wanting you. Draw, write or do something creative. Don’t worry about how it turns out. Exercise. Maybe lift weights or run. Sleep. I hope there is something there you can do. I hope upon hope that the first option is the one you choose. I believe that other people are our biggest weapon in fighting the thoughts that are currently pushing you to your limits. You still reading? Great. You’re doing really well to keep going and I’m proud of you. Truly proud of you. I know how hard it is to get this low but you’re still with me and that is a massive positive. I hope the intensity of your suicidal feelings is subsiding slightly or you have managed to find something to hold on for until you can get the support you deserve, and yes you do deserve it no matter what your brain is telling you. You are on this planet and that makes you special. There is probably someone, you may not know who, but someone who loves you and is glad you are alive. I’m glad you are alive as I know you have huge potential if you have made it this far, think about it you’ve read all this written by me; that is an accomplishment. I’m going to leave you now. I hope you make the decision to live. I know it is a big decision to make and may seem scary but I believe that it is the best decision you can make as it holds so much opportunity for the future. Please get help and if you feel that you are at immediate risk of hurting yourself then I ask you to go to Accident and Emergency so that you can be kept safe. You deserve to be safe and happy. Thank you for reading and know that I am thinking of you and hoping you can see the good in you that others can. One last hug. *hugs* -Lindsay
    40 points
  8. Today I had to go to the store, and that's a very big task for me for so many reasons. One, I hate to leave the house. Two, I hate myself. Three, I'm obese and it's a huge struggle for me to move around. Four, I suffer from severe anxiety. Five... and so on. When I have to go to the store, I make myself sick over it for days. Today, I told myself that if I made it to the store, I would come and post my success here and maybe someone would understand just how big a deal it was that I got that task done. And even though I don't know anyone here, I was anxious to be able to tell someone, anyone, that I accomplished my task. I went to the store today! Not just one store, but two stores. I'm exhausted and stressed to the max, but I did it. If you did anything today, anything at all... please post here. Or if you do something tomorrow, please come back and report it. I don't care how small the task is, because I think when suffering from depression, there are no small tasks. I have days where if I take in the mail, it's considered a good day. Seriously. So, did you do anything at all today? Anything?
    34 points
  9. I feel like I am never going to get well. i feel like I am drowning. I feel like I'm letting those closest to me down. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I want to be well. I want to enjoy my life and feel happy about all of the good things in it. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I want this pain to end. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling hopeful and full of energy. I want to live, rather than just exist. Thanks for listening.
    34 points
  10. If you're new to our DF community, taking the step for the first time to post publicly to a message board can sometimes seem daunting, intimidating. Don't be afraid to jump into a discussion once you have registered with us. We have a very supportive community that serves up heavy doses of support, encouragement and enthusiasm. We love meeting new people and being friendly. While we hope that you'll become an active participant and join in our discussions, you're welcome, of course, to simply hang out silently until you feel more comfortable posting a message. We are your safe haven and will never judge you. There is no stigma here. You are not alone. This Welcome Forum is for a short Introduction to our members/community. Just click on "New Topic" at the top of the forum to intro yourself. It is not intended to tell your story or to journal/Blog. That is saved for the other forums or for your Blog here at the DF which you may create. ***As a new member, you will have the ability to create two active topics in each Forum. You may reply to as many as you wish. Click on "New Topic" or you may "Reply" to an ongoing post. You will get the hang of it if you have never posted in a forum before. *An active topic is defined as a topic that is on the front page of our busier forums or a topic that has received replies in the last 48 hours in our quieter Forums. If you are in major crisis you may post your topic in Members Needing Extra Support Now  (Members Needing Extra Support Now) ~Lindsay, Forum Super Administrator
    32 points
  11. Generic antidepressant not equivalent to original Wellbutrin: FDA Sat, Oct 6 2012 (Reuters) - The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said new data indicate that the generic version of the popular antidepressant Wellbutrin is not equivalent to the original drug manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline. Budeprion XL 300 mg, or bupropion hydrochloride extended-release tablets, are manufactured by Impax Laboratories Inc and marketed by Teva Pharmaceuticals USA Inc. The FDA, in a notice posted on its website on Wednesday, said it has changed the therapeutic equivalence rating for the product in the agency's Approved Drug Products with Therapeutic Equivalence Evaluations to show that Budeprion XL 300 mg fails to demonstrate therapeutic equivalence to Wellbutrin XL 300 mg. Impax has requested that the FDA withdraw approval of budeprion XL 300 mg extended-release tablets, the FDA said. Impax and Teva have stopped shipping the product, the agency said. (Reporting by Debra Sherman; Editing by Will Dunham) http://www.reuters.com
    29 points
  12. What I've learned living with a spouse with depression: 1. I need to be flexible: When she is in the depths of the shadow, I need to protect her; when she is functioning in the normal range I need to give her space. Don't be shy about taking the car keys or other drastic action when your loved one appears to be "out of control", since you may be saving their life. 2. I can help her understand the dynamics of her depression. For example, I can help her recognize what "triggers" a depressive cycle and I can help her implement actions to stop the downward spiral into the deep shadows. Using these prevention points can avoid the coming pain. 3. I am a caregiver, and I need to know my boundaries. I have a life too, with feelings and needs. I need to maintain my "separate self" and not just become a slave to the depression. Yes, I need to sacrifice and forgo some of my plans and commitments, but I will quickly burn out if I don't also care for myself. 4. TV is a drug. Most of it is not healthy for me or my spouse. A walk is much more therapeutic. 5. There is no golden answer waiting to be found in books or other literature. Yes, it's good to know the basics of depression and the specifics of your loved one's diagnosis, but you will not find a cure in a book. 6. Change the subject if your loved one is cascading into the pit. They can easily get into a cycle where one negative thought breeds another negative thought and they can't seem to stop the descent. 7. Try to maintain some level of social-activity in which you can both participate, such as going to movies. The depressed person will probably withdraw and avoid social situations. They need some "quiet time" and personal space, but that can quickly become brooding time that leads to another slide into the depths. 8. Do the best you can with what you
    28 points
  13. Henri, I'm really glad that this post helped, even if only a tiny bit. It's taken me years to realise the truth of my post. I remember when I had my first (and worst) episode of depression. It was during exams and I was in a terrible, terrible way. What made it even worse was looking at the smiling faces around me and just thinking I was the biggest loser freak to be feeling so utterly despondent and hopeless. How could they cope with the same stress so easily, while I was so destroyed? Since that time I have found out that many people I have looked up to as being able to cope with anything have actually gone through periods of serious depression themselves. I admire them all the more for it. For someone who is really depressed or anxious just getting through the day is a massive achievement. Anything we do on top of it should make us really proud of ourselves. That is not to say that I think we should set the bar low. I think people with depression and anxiety are capable of doing remarkable things - all you need to do is to look at the list of famous depression and anxiety sufferers to see that. However there will be periods, sometimes long periods when we're not capable of all that much. I do think that acceptance of depression, which means recognising that we are sick and therefore less able to operate (be it in a social, work or relationship context), is part of the cure. I have enormous respect for everyone that posts on this forum because I can see how tough it is to live the lives we are living. Hopefully those lives will return to normal quickly but I know that for some people, myself included, depression is chronic and so we have to learn to live with it, while still taking appropriate steps to vanquish it. The irony is that a lot of the people out there who truly are worthless probably never even feel worthless for one minute!! There really are some bad human beings out there, wanton in their greed and selfishness. But, not getting a college degree because the depression made it impossible does not make you worthless. Having to go off sick from or quit a job because the anxiety was too much to cope with in a stressful work environment does not make you worthless. Finding it difficult to sustain a loving relationship because every interaction with your partner is coloured by your depression does not make you worthless. Being unable to form or maintain friendships or have confidence with people you're attracted to does not make you worthless. None of these things make you worthless. In my view the only thing that makes someone worthless is intentionally inflicting emotional or physical pain on another human being, or in my opinion animal, and never stopping to think twice about it until the day you die. You know that old saying, 'If you think you might be crazy you're probably not?'. Well I think it would be equally true to say 'If you think you might be worthless you're most likely not'. The fact that you are questioning you're own worth means that you're trying and sometimes failing and having to go through hell. That in itself shows enormous worth and spirt. Take pride in it.
    24 points
  14. I know there are some folks here that don't want to leave their homes because of various reasons. I, on the other hand, sort of can't leave home. Don't anyone freak out. I'm not being held hostage or anything. I just don't have the means or resources to get out of the house. Most of it is due to not having the cash to go. I'll admit that I haven't always had the nice, easy-going demeanor I have now. Back in the day I was very outspoken. My mouth and language has cost me more than a few jobs and a lot of friendships. I don't want it to seem that I'm bragging. I have been battling the war with depression for at least 20 years. In the past 20 years I have done a lot of self prescribed medications. Drinking alcohol, liquor and smoking a lot of pan. Needless to say, those things didn't workout that well. Especially when the best 1 was illegal. But now that I'm on disability, I am on a upswing with my depression. Life hasn't been too bad since this past December. The only problem I'm having is my being the only 1 home for like 10 to 12 hours a day, awake, without any human communication or contact. That's 1 of the reasons I joined this forum. I read a lot of your posts and feel sympathy. I'll admit I joined for my own selfish reasons just like most of you. I'm starting this new thread as a positive swing in this forum. I'd like for whoever reads this to reply with something positive that personally happened to them today and everyday if they can find the time. I've learned with my depression and anxiety issues that if I try to think positive and find positive things to concentrate on, the bad doesn't seem to be as horrible or deflating. I'd like to say thank you to all of you for allowing me to join this great forum and I pray that all of you find peace.
    22 points
  15. I'm a week away from being sober for 900 days. I have to keep that in mind to get through the rest of this nightmare!
    21 points
  16. Honestly do not know how I feel. As I have posted before, the anxiety is pretty well handled, but the depression is being stubborn. Just came from the counselor, and I am going to try a different approach -- if I can make myself. I told my counselor I was going to come to this site (not the actual site name) and ask for some support while I try to get a handle on the depression. She thought that was a good idea. Sooo, here I am. When I first came to this site, I kept waiting for someone to 'scold' me for responses I posted. It took me a long time to realize that was because I am used to that reaction from the 'real world'. Every time someone leaves me a 'Like', etc., it is such a positive thing. Thank you all for your support. (((Hugs))) to all.
    19 points
  17. Well I'm starting this thread cos I just need to get these things people have said to me out of my head cos their just rattling around in there......I hope everyone understands I hope this can be a venting, releasing sort of exercise and not to contribute to anyone's anxiety or stress by triggering,,,.please add/share any bonehead responses you have heard! Here's my "favorite" inappropriate responses I have heard to any discussion of my mental health/mental health in general -"you are just having a pity party" -"there's nothing wrong with u, it's all in your head" -"you're just making things up and imagining that" -"get over it" "You worry too much" "People who commit suicide are just selfish" -if things were that bad for you you would be on the streets living in a bus shelter"
    19 points
  18. I guess I just wanted to speak up and say that I wish (as I'm sure many of you do) that I could respond to all of the people posting and sharing their stories here...I know there are some who have expressed frustration at a lack of responses or long periods of time elapsing before responses are made. I guess I just want to say that even if I haven't replied (and big deal, who the heck am I, anyway?), I empathize with each and every one of you. I know it has been said here countless times, but it bears repeating..You are not alone. We care, even if outwardly our lack of response makes it seem like we don't. We do. Peace to us all. Tim
    19 points
  19. I'd like to share with this community that I may be on my way out of this horrendous major depression which I've suffered since the end of October 2014. It goes without saying that I never thought I'd come out of this one. There were times I didn't want to live, times I couldn't even shower, but I was never suicidal. As much as I suffered, I felt that I had no right to take my sad ugly life. I'm still not sleeping hardly at all and have a ton of physical disabilities to cope with. But I have more energy and haven't had to lie down during the day for the past two days. This has been my fifth major depression in my lifetime and I pray to be spared another. I've gotten back to quilting a little and food might have it's normal taste back again. This morning I enjoyed a toast with orange marmalade along with my Ensure Plus. I've been drinking this to get the extra calories while I was so sick. I cannot be certain yet and am going very cautiously. Baby steps........ But if this is it, there are no words to express how grateful I am. It's been an agonizing hell. My medications were changed many times. Side effects were rampant. Perhaps I now have a cocktail that works. In attempting to discover why this last one occurred I've come to the conclusion that my medications had stopped working and my former psychiatric NP had me get off another medication that had helped me to come out of my last depression in 2011. My pdoc put me back on that medication along with two others about 3 weeks ago. If I could afford it, I'd pamper myself with a spa day, but will settle for a quick haircut as soon as my hairdresser can fit me in. We have at least 7 new inches of snow on the ground (where's spring?) but I don't care. By the way, I'd like to share some more great news. I'll be a great grandmother in 8 weeks to baby Scarlett. She will have a new baby quilt for her crib. Thanks for visiting this post and may you have a wonderful day. I will for the first time in 5 and 1/2 months.
    19 points
  20. I would like to start this thread for everyone to share their experiences with anhedonia (emotional numbness, inability to experience pleasure, apathy, dead sex drive, etc.) so that we may all collectively find the best solutions. The more experiences we have here, the easier it will be to make connections and narrow down useful strategies/medications/solutions, We all need to work together on this. I would like to add my personal experience with anhedonia and what I have discovered about it along the way. I have been anhedonic now for 10 months due to major depression triggered by chronic stress. Anhedonia is my only persistent symptom and is occurring in the absence of any other depressive symptom (I do not feel "depressed," I do not "feel" at all). For this reason, many people experiencing anhedonia (me included) find fault with the technical association with "anhedonia" being only a symptom of another disease rather than a syndrome in itself. Firstly, what I have noticed about every person experiencing anhedonia (me included) is that they seem to mention the inability to experience the same list of things: music/art, sex/romance/dating, and emotional appreciation. To me, all of these are inter-related and so anhedonia really boils down to a flatness of emotional responsivity to anything and a general inability to experience pleasure. The best way to describe it is to make the analogy to the loss of interest in sex as similar to the loss of interest in sex a male might experience soon after ejaculating (refractory period)or the loss of interest in music to the loss of interest one might feel towards a song after having heard the same song repeatedly for several months. I have read many articles on anhedonia and have seen many theories that suggest that anhedonia is a result of the failure to anticipate pleasure rather than experiencing it and that it involves the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinepherine. Firstly I would like to say that I can anticipate having a pleasurable response to something, but the only thing that is missing for me is the response itself. For example, I may get an adrenaline rush from something such as sex, but it is not accompanied by feelings of pleasure. I anticipate the pleasure, but I only experience the adrenaline, not the pleasure itself. I have had partial responses to stimulants and dopaminergic agents but no response to norepinepherine modulating drugs, though I have read many reports of people having success with norepinepherine drugs. Others left no noticeable effect. Strangely, I would sometimes spontaneously and instantaneously get a “window” of normalcy where my emotional numbness would break for a few minutes and I would feel normal, as if a “light switch” was controlling my emotions and ability to feel pleasure. My libido, my numbed emotions, and that zombie-like feeling I was having – they were all related, they all came from that same part of me that was “turned off.” It’s the same type of sensation that I was missing – whether it was the feeling that I was not getting thinking about a girl, the excitement I was not experiencing thinking about my future, and the enjoyment I was not experiencing being around my family doing activities with them, they all (pleasure) were just “off.” As time passed, I would see fewer and fewer of these windows until they disappeared completely. At first, with much difficulty I felt two windows once while crying shortly after arriving at home and once during a car ride with my mother. There seems to be two "camps" that psychiatrists fall under. In one camp are the psychiatrists who tend to disregard anhedonia as "just a symptom of the underlying depression/other illness" and not mainly a dopaminergic phenomenon saying "treat the underlying depression/other illness, and the symptoms go away with it like a cascade." These psychiatrists believe that SSRIs are most effective for any type of depression, regardless of symptoms, (usually calling me "obsessive" for researching or disregard science backing it up as "just theories,” and that “nobody knows what’s actually going on in the brain" etc.) and often deny that serotonergics make anhedonia worse (I've been with two of this type). The other "camp" is, in my opinion at least, more reasonable; psychiatrists falling under the second camp listen to symptoms and recognize anhedonia as mainly dopaminergic or to do with norepinepherine. It's known that the activation of certain serotonin receptors inhibit the release of dopamine, (obviously shown in the blunting effect and loss of libido associated with SSRIs/SNRIs) and it is also known that dopamine plays a crucial role in the processing of emotional responses. Norepinepherine is another key part of the puzzle, in my experience sort of the "second banana" to dopamine, as it is shown in many studies that animals lose preference towards a reward with reductions in norepinepherine - norepinepherine is associated with motivation and arousal. The treatments that I have found through research to be successful in treating anhedonia are: Stimulants - Methylphenidate, Dextroamphetamine, etc. Dopamine Agonists - Pramipexole, Ropinirole, Cabergoline, Apomorphine, Bromocriptine, Rotigotine, etc. Low Dose Antipsychotics - Aripiprazole, Amisulpride, Sulpride, etc. Serotonin Receptor Antagonists - Buspirone, Low dose Fluoexitine, etc. SSREs - Tianeptine Dopamine Reuptake Inhibitors - Amineptine, Bupropion, etc. Norepinepherine Reuptake Inhibitors - Desipramine, Atomoxetine, Nortryptaline, Bupropion, etc. MAOIs - Parnate, Nardil, Selegiline, etc. Other - Amantadine, Nicotine, Testosterone, Levodopa, Phenylethylamine, Cyproheptadine, Thyroid Augmenting (lithium for example), L-Tyrosine, L-Theanine, SAM-E, St. John's Wort, etc. Unfortunately several drugs are not available in the USA such as Tianeptine, Adrafinil, and Amisulpride, and many of these medications have significant drawbacks such as tolerance, addiction, long-lasting side effects, severe reactions, heart problems, heptatoxicity, blood pressure problems, and more. I have tried Wellbutrin, Abilify, L-Tyrosine, L-Theanine, SAM-E, DLPA, Ritalin, Adderall, and Desipramine. My experience was that I felt no different on Wellbutrin even after being on it for 8 weeks at the highest recommended dose (450mg). Abilify (5-7.5mg) helped me to regain focus and the ability to do something for longer periods of time without feeling anxious, though had little noticeable effect on anhedonia and gave me random twitching and tremors. L-Tyrosine (500-1500mg) had no noticeable effect. L-Theanine (300-1000mg) made me extremely agitated and irritable. SAM-E made me more irritable. DLPA (1000-2000mg) had no noticeable effect. Ritalin (15-30mg 2x daily) was the closest thing to helping my anhedonia, but was unreliable, worked for only about an hour, quickly formed a tolerance, and raised my heart rate substantially. Adderall (5-15mg 2x daily) only raised my heart rate with no noticeable effect on the anhedonia, but I can't help but to feel that this was because of a cross-tolerance with the Ritalin (I had already become tolerant to the Ritalin after only a week, so thus I was also tolerant to other stimulants such as Adderall). Desipramine (200mg) left no noticeable effect besides dry mouth and tremors after several weeks, but I later found out that due to its heptatoxicity, my liver was reacting poorly to it and thus I have been forced to come off of it. For anhedonia I would like to take next a combination of Pramipexole, Cyproheptadine, Busiprone, and Selegiline, though I am not a doctor so do not regard this as educated medical advice without consulting your doctor (just a legal disclaimer). I will be visiting my doctor tomorrow and will start a new medication regimen and let everyone know how it goes. Please post what your experiences have been, what works, what doesn't, if you've found relief or not, or just the details of your anhedonia.
    19 points
  21. Yay! That's great news. I just passed 2 weeks without a drink. Almost succumbed last night but was able to talk myself down.
    19 points
  22. I know I've posted this on a thread before but it's a cracker. Stephen Fry posted it on Twitter a few months ago. It's a meme of 'If people talked to physically ill people the way they talk to people with depression'
    18 points
  23. budfox

    Happy New Year Everyone!

    You can take the 'Happy' in the subject header as sincere or ironic, depending on what mood you're in. I know perfectly well that for many of us on this site, it's not a happy New Year at all. But we're all still alive and fighting and where there's life there's hope. I mean that. Love you all and am looking forward to speaking with you in 2016.
    17 points
  24. I've finally came out as a transgender female online. It makes me feel more happy being able to be who I really am online finally! I'm just stuck as to how I'm going to explain this to my immediate family. I feel uncomfortable.
    17 points
  25. I got my pathology report this morning. I am cancer free. Holy Cow this has been a horrid month with all of the specialist and tests and I am totally clear of any physical problems. The mental ones persist but I think I was doing pretty well before all of the scares and now we'll see where I am realistically. I came back from the surgeon's office and slept an emotional headache off and now I'm just going to chill. I cleaned my house and washed my linens before my doctor's appointment so I'm telling myself that I've done enough for the day. I rented a movie and bought a baked chicken from Kroger. Time to relax a bit. How is everyone else doing?
    17 points
  26. I really just want to isolate myself today from the world. I am on the verge of tears as we speak because I just don't feel good. I don't have the energy to pretend everything is just peachy for a birthday party this afternoon. I don't want to fake a smile and pretend that I'm enjoying myself when all I can think about is when is it politically correct to get the **** in my car and go home? Then I feel guilty because the party is for my niece and she adores me, as I adore her and I don't want to let her down. She's had enough disappointments in her little life (she's adopted and had a really rough start). I feel like this illness is slowly ******* me. The depression and anxiety are all consuming and the positive outlook that used to help me through it has dissipated. I guess the really scary part is that I don't have any energy to fight it. I'm ****ing exhausted.
    17 points
  27. I've crashed big today. I'm in the middle of a divorce. I'm overwhelmed at work. A very dear friend has been diagnosed with a nasty disease. Last Sunday, I decided to stop drinking (again). But damn, it is really REALLY difficult to ignore the desire for numbness right now.
    17 points
  28. You are not lost, or dumb, or anything less than what you are meant to be – physically, geographically, emotionally, financially, spiritually. Even stuck in traffic: You are supposed to be exactly where you are. You need to stay until you know where you are. If you try to move beyond where you are at, you get to come back to where you are at anyway. If you stay long enough, it will shift and lead you to the next organic place of itself. Honor your inner life and trust the process. Transition is a bridge; it is going somewhere. Right after the most strenuous stretch, something glorious is waiting. Something worth working for, worth hanging in there and pushing for when you don’t feel like pushing. After the pain comes new life. You are in transition. You can’t fly over it; you have to go through it. There will always be a way through. Remember to breathe.
    17 points
  29. If He Was "So Great" You'd Still Be Together By Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt From their book, "It
    16 points
  30. Hi there. I am new here. I have never been diagnosed with OCD, but I do suffer from depression and anxiety. I have a problem and I didn't know where else to go. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone close to me about it because I feel so ridiculous. What initially started as a harmless crush on this male celebrity has turned into something thats taking over my life. Thing is, this celebrity is really nice in real life and really approachable, so it makes him even more attractive to me. I haven't met him but I know people who have. I think about him all day, daydreaming constantly, spend hours googling him and checking all the latest news on him online. And if I hear he's dating someone, I become really jealous and even more depressed. And heres the kicker: I am married to a nice man, who is very good to me. And I still have this horrible obsession on the side! When my husband is at work, I'll spend the day daydreaming about this celebrity. I'll also watch his movies over and over, and turn on music and dance around, thinking about what it would be like to be with him. I can't seem to stop! He's famous, he's out living his life, and he doesn't know I exist, and I am married for crying out loud! What is wrong with me? I know it probably isn't love, it's an infatuation gone out of control and I don't know how to get my life back. Is there anything I can do to stop this? I would really appreciate any help. Thank you in advance.
    16 points
  31. I'm doing better than yesterday. This morning, I exercised and made a "to-do" list while I sipped on my coffee. I crossed off most things on my to-do list, and there are still plenty of hours left to go. My anxiety was in check until a little while ago, and now it's just free-floating around. I am trying to calm myself down since there is no apparent trigger or anxious thought. (((Big Hugs to all))) @ Dolphin, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way and having to do all of the work for your son. He may be doing all of the employment-type working, but you are doing all of the parenting working. I think you deserve a nice big iced coffee!
    16 points
  32. Hey DF family, I'm doing fine. Great, actually!! There's been very little change in the kidney "lesion" since the last MRI, two years ago. That's a HUGE relief because I've been through a lot of stress, didn't eat well, and drank too much during those two years. I'm one lucky SOB. Thanks for your concern, everyone!
    16 points
  33. If you need immediate responses and help you are to call 1-800-273-8255 If you feel you need or would like a quicker response to your thread, perhaps learn more about the Forums available here on DF and try posting in Members Needing Extra Support Now. It's unfortunate that your other post slipped through and our DF Family was unable to respond more. The biggest reason for this I believe it that you posted it at 1:29 am on a Saturday morning. It's also unfortunate that you chose to take your anger out on the DF Family. We are not professionals who are required to monitor all threads and provide responses in a certain time frame. What we are is a very thoughtful, intelligent, and caring family who suffer through many mental illnesses ourselves and go above and beyond to minister to those in need as much as we are able to. If you pay close attention to more of the threads, you will see someone post what they are currently suffering through, and then turn right around and find where they have put aside their own problems for a minute and posted support to others. However, there are many times when we just don't have the energy ourselves to get up and log in, much less respond. And I can assure you that your posting here has resulted in a wave of negative feelings and emotional upheaval on a number of members already dealing with more than anyone should have to. What I find amazing in this thread in particular is that those who have responded have still treated you like family...and I know they will continue to put aside their own emotions and try to respectfully reply as adults. Even though I am not a moderator, I decided to look at your profile and "all" of your "content". It appears you have been a member since 2010. 2010, and you have 57 posts.So I feel compelled to speak with you as I would one of my own children. This post is the most childish post I have seen since I have been a member here, 5 years less than you. Even the teen age members respond and express their emotions more appropriately. I acknowledge that a few of your responses where thoughtful...but the majority of them honestly left me scratching my head...and the ones where you hijacked others threads to whine about your lack of responses was appalling. In looking at your content from your early days, I discovered you had started three threads, all of which received 2 to 5 responses from members here. And you did not follow up on one of them, not with a status, a comment, and least of all not a thank you. I noticed in one thread you stated "It's gotten bad enough lately that I'm back on wellbutrin and getting onto DF every night after work." Every night and only 57 responses? It would appear that you also have gone through a period of time where you did a lot more reading without being able to respond at all. That's understandable. Our family can relate. The only thread where you responded more than once was the "Biotch about your Job here" thread. On one thread, you actually posted in response to someone else..."so how often did you guys beat the s*** out of somebody leaving a bar late at night when robbing them?" I'm sure that was quite helpful. I would pick out many more of your own quotes that support the idea that you should follow some of your own advice...but I will end with the following quote from you as a reason why your post may not have been responded to; "there are just too many variables for (you) to objectively determine that your feelings are not based in reality and somehow unwarranted." Even with your actions and lashing out at our family, I still recognize from all of your posts that you too are hurting and in need of support and somewhere to express your feelings. And so I still welcome you to the DF family...assuming the moderators allow you to stay...and would like to offer help to you when I can. You may add me as a friend and send me a PM any time. I have my options set to where I am notified on my cell phone whenever I receive a PM. And wrapping this up, I too am from the deep south and I smile at others whenever I make eye contact, even when I feel my worst. It's not about faking it, or religion, it's simply about having respect for others. I wish you peace and comfort to help with your struggles. Best regards.
    16 points
  34. Everyone who posts here, even if the post if sad, is my hero because even one short post can touch the heart of someone else in a once in a lifetime way across space and time. It could be someone reading your post right now or someone who will find it in a year and feel less alone with their depression. I also salute everyone who merely reads these posts because that too is a sign of incredible strength, wisdom, courage and goodness! Bravo!
    16 points
  35. This is what cured my depression permanently and I just want to share it. I do not advise anyone to stop taking counseling or medication without the direction and supervision of a medical professional. I apologize if I sound blunt or mean, but in order to beat depression permanently with no drugs, counseling or anything harmful to your health or life, there is only one thing I know that really works and it will take some real honesty with yourself. I know this from my own experience. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and tried everything from hotline's, counseling, therapy, medications (pharmaceutical and holistic) as well as illegal drugs, and I was still depressed until I discovered these things about myself and made the following choices. 1. REALIZATION 2. ASSUMING RESPONSIBILITY 3. RELEASING 4. FORGIVING 5. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT 6. TAKING CONTROL (REALIZATION) - I REALIZED THAT I AM THE CAUSE OF MY OWN THOUGHTS THAT WERE CAUSING MY DEPRESSION - I could no longer BLAME OTHERS, my past experiences, chemical imbalance or anything else for that matter! There are many things that we have no control of that we can either CHOOSE to be sad about, or we can also CHOOSE to allow those things to make us stronger. (ASSUMING RESPONSIBILITY) - I ASSUMED RESPONSIBILITY FOR BEING THE ONE TORTURING MYSELF - For whatever the reason I had believed that I deserved to suffer and I made sure that I would suffer at all times with any and all thoughts that were painful. With this knowledge, I learned to let go of self defeating beliefs. (RELEASING) - I STOPPED DWELLING ON MYSELF - I was so wrapped up with my own thoughts and feelings that I never took into consideration that anyone else or anything else mattered. (FORGIVING) - WITH THIS NEW UNDERSTANDING, I MADE THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF MY LIFE - I CHOSE that I forgive myself, and everyone who ever wronged me. ( ACKNOWLEDGEMENT) I BEGAN TO LEARN APPRECIATION - I CHOSE to acknowledge the good in myself, in the world and in others. (TAKING CONTROL) - I CREATED A REALISTIC GOAL LIST - I made small goals that were easily obtainable and accomplished just one each day. With each goal that I completed, I developed a sense of accomplishment and that feeling empowered me and gave me the strength and the courage I needed to move forward in my life and to let go of the things I held on to in the past. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR A BETTER PAST, BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE FOR A BETTER NOW AND A BETTER FUTURE, IF WE CHOOSE TO MAKE IT SO. It is truly our choices that make or break us. IT HAS BEEN NINE YEARS NOW AND I AM STILL FREE FROM THE CHAINS OF DEPRESSION GOOD LUCK AND MY BEST WISHES TO YOU ALL !!!
    16 points
  36. I'm doing better than I was yesterday. Five hours of sleep definitely helped. I'm training myself to think of my cats when I start getting down at work. I need to be there for them. They were abandoned when they were 8 years old. Now they depend on me. And I depend on them to make me laugh.
    15 points
  37. On my first try ...I did it It just happened I got it....no more rescheduling times to take the road test...its done and finished .... I had the coolest instructor ....I ran over a cone and he let it slide ...man I feel blessed this year, despite my complaining , is really looking up for me :) I'm so happy. After a year of planning....I get my license on my first attempt.
    15 points
  38. BlackEyedDog

    GOOD BYE.

    I’m so sorry for making you all worry. I just want to let you all know that I am doing fine. In the end, I didn’t think anyone would care if I died, but you all proved me wrong with your kind words and with that I thank you. Please know that I am truly sorry if I caused any pain as that wasn’t my intent. With that being said I love every one of you and hope you all have a wonderful day. Take care.
    15 points
  39. Thanks for all the hugs. I am still feeling depressed. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just want to be at peace.
    15 points
  40. Aggravated beyond belief. Okay, I was, now I'm just "mildly irritated." My physical problems are hitting pretty hard lately and once I finally got the okay/background check cleared to go to work, I just couldn't. My head has hurt every single day and most of my joints too, not to mention dizzy spells and chronic fatigue. I would have tried if they were more flexible with my need to go to doctor's appointments. I'm not too upset, since it would've only been for 3 months. Tuesday is my Geneticist appointment and I'm both excited and nervous about it. Nervous because I'm used to not being taken seriously, excited because I feel like if anyone WILL "get" this - it will be the Geneticist. I'm so curious to see how the appointment will go. Today I'm mentally okay, physically...meh, and it's cold as faaahhhhkkkk outside. I'm bundled up in a sweater and boots with a hot cup of coffee. I think I'll work on more jewelry to sell on Etsy today. (((Big Hugs to all)))
    15 points
  41. I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life in bed under the covers hiding from everyone.
    15 points
  42. I am sorry to hear that as well Abandoned. That is very tough, bud. :( I wish I was dead tonight. I really do. I feel that, while I always thought my problem was confidence and self-esteem - i.e. that I was not good at anything - I now know that is not the case. I believe I have a lot of things I can give and achieve. The problem, I have come to realize, is that I feel so all alone and unloved. I feel like wallpaper in this world, ugly 1960's wallpaper with brown boats on it that's been stained with cigarette smoke and sits peeling off in an abandoned house on a long flat winter-killed rural road with nothing else around it. The kind of road the wind alone inhabits. I searched my medicine cabinet but I don't have anything that will do the trick. I guess all I can do is pray not to wake up tomorrow morning again - but that never seems to work, unfortunately. This world is a lonely place. I just want to feel loved. Is that too much to ask?
    15 points
  43. I feel GREAT!!!! Already through the start up phase of restarting my meds. Back to calm, anxiety free days soon.
    15 points
  44. I'm feeling excited for the first time since...well, I can't even remember the last time I've felt genuinely excited. I'm going to go to school for music. I'm going to work part-time while I go. And when I get my two-year degree I'm going to work in music some way, somehow. Teaching, playing in wedding bands, I'm not above that kind of thing--might even be fun. I've talked this dream I've had of trying to make it work through with my therapist and she thinks I'm being realistic and going about it responsibly and that it's a good idea to go with something I'm passionate about. I just ordered a new bass (a cheap one, but better than the one I've got) and I'm going to clear out a dedicated practice space in my bedroom where I can prepare to audition in November or December. My life isn't over just because I'm 28 and not where I want to be. I'm scared of making changes, but I'm more scared of not making changes. I'm going to give it my best shot. I'm going to try. Sorry I haven't been around. I'm going to catch up on the posts I've missed, but I just wanted to write something while I'm feeling like I'm feeling right now. I love you guys. If you're having a s***ty day, know you're good enough--right now, exactly as you are. <3
    15 points
  45. Extremely stupid. I got drunk last night. Passed out on the couch. Today, my hands are so shaky that I couldn't shave safely. I poured a big bottle of wodka down the bathtub drain this morning. I can't drink ever again. I just can't.
    15 points
  46. I'm doing pretty good today, despite being irritable and underslept. I grabbed DD coffee this morning, had a very good therapist's appointment, and have some work to do around the house before I let myself bead jewelry. I've been feeling better several days, more "normal" (or at least as "normal" as a semi-eccentric person can be LOL). I am afraid of this feeling slipping through my fingers, but am not letting that fear get out of hand or interrupt my peace because I've suffered long enough for it. I also feel like I've been around less, at least in this thread, but I still love you guys! (((Hugs)))
    15 points
  47. I'm feeling meh. But everyone else seems to be having some rough go of it today. I hope things improve even slightly for everyone who is suffering in this moment.
    15 points
  48. I'm feeling decent today, just unmotivated but trying to pep myself up for the interview. I'm also trying to get my sister to join DF, she does not have depression but has severe Panic Disorder w/ Agoraphobia and OCD. I think it would help her to have some support besides just my mother and I. She's thinking about it. - Christina
    15 points
  49. Hello my precious DF family! Hello world! The anxiety of being out of my cocoon is already nauseating me. I love you all & wish you nothing but the highest and best which results in the greatest good for the largest number. Namaste and Peace, my friends, Zen
    15 points
  50. Acrowley

    I Did It

    Hi everyone. This is just a post to tell you people that I told my school counsellor about my depression. I'm talking to my parents with her tomorrow. So, yeah, that's about it. Just felt like telling someone.
    15 points
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