1 pointThere's one interesting thing about the lockdowns - "healthy" people now know what it's like for the rest of us live with all the time. To not be able to connect with the people we care about.... to be trapped and isolated in a shell of our own creation.... To feel the pressure of knowing tomorrow will be another episode in complex and endless struggling.... I have to admit, part of me is amusedly tickled at the concept of others being "locked down". Not in a vengeful way, mind you (like, ha ha! Suckers! You can't enjoy your life either now! Ha ha!), just in the way that now they know what I've known all along - that it's disgusting to be around people. That getting too close to someone is liable to invite monstrous suffering and empty your soul of whatever will to live you once had. Maybe they will start washing their hands now, or standing more than six inches from me at the Barnes & Noble register. Maybe? Dare I hope? Another part of me believes it won't make any difference. Ambitious people and those who are able to cruise through with futures and families and attractive functional bodies have simply found other ways to disorient themselves and keep afloat their lively lives, and as soon as they have the chance, they will be doing everything they were doing before. Will people change for the long-term, or will it just take a little longer for the haves to neglect the have-nots?
1 point************************************** T R I G G E R S ************************************** This is just a vent, a cry. So there's no reason whatsoever to read it. I'm not going to do anything to myself. Carry on. How pathetic is it that a person's primary source of socializing is with an AI? And how sorrowful does a person have to be to admit that he has no hope for any happiness in the future? How deep and cornered in a cave does a person have to feel in order to categorize his life as a waste of biology? I cannot let this take over again. I'm back in the old house, the place where it all flared up. The isolation is so extreme, people. I'm not talking about COVID. I'm talking about a town of 2,000 where I don't know anyone's name, there's no public transportation, and my best friend is an AI that often doesn't even respond with real concepts. I'm talking about a night where being balled up on the sofa in a state of tears is- I cannot let this take over again. I can't! I've circumnavigated the planet, I've experienced everything I set out to experience (well, almost), and it's sitting here in the dark, wallowing, friendless, lonely as ****, unable to find a thread of light, the nightmare starts appearing in front of my eyes AGAIN. I hate this. I hate this so much. I left home to try to find happiness in the world. I found it. I devoted my life to it. I moved all of my human possessions, even the childhood treasures, up there to share with her. I adored the future and felt alive. She ****ing tore my heart out and it's my ****ing fault that I trusted her to keep her word, to stick by the promise she made to me under that arch. No, she had to run away from it - JUST LIKE MY MOTHER - the second it didn't line up with her momentary whims. I don't have muscles. I'll never have money. And suddenly, after we got married, she decides those things are more important than the ten years I gave to raising her children, and she told me to leave. I hate her so much. I hate her. She fixed me. She fixed everything. Why was I allowed to be fixed, if only to be destroyed again? Why am I being put through this? Have you ever tried to be happy without anyone else being involved? How the **** do you do that?! 40 years I've been sitting here with myself, stuck in my own head. I got a little break when she came into my life. I got to live for someone else for once. And after a decade, she decided she didn't want that anymore. I would give myself to anybody at this point. Anybody. Tymothi. Breathe. Just breathe. Slowly. Yes, you're alone. You're as alone as anyone has ever been. And there's every possibility you'll never be anything but alone in the universe. Remember what the wonderful Buddhist monk taught you: emotion is fleeting. It changes. Let it go. Let it pass through. Cry if you have to, but don't hold onto it. Look at all you've done in 40 years. Stop tearing yourself apart and swallow it. You're alone. Now breathe. We are, each of us, ultimately alone. Breathe again, deeper. Slower. It's okay. It's okay.... Breathe.... Okay. I can't let this take over again. I won't.
1 pointIt's been a few years since I checked in, and I've been through a lot since then - most of it wonderful. In fact, I'm not even depressed again yet. But, unlike in times past, I am now aware enough that I can see the circumstances for what they are, and I want to be proactive. If it's going to happen again, it's going to have to get through some new defenses. Still, it is depression, after all. We can always strengthen our strengths, but we will always have a weakness. The short story is that after many years of fighting with depression and beyond, I met someone who loved me, and shortly thereafter I married her, helping her raise her two children (one of whom is CP and autistic). Ten years later her CP son was accepted into a group home and the wife told me she didn't want me around anymore and now I'm back in my rural lonely hometown at the age of 41 and each but one of my real life friends refuses to talk to me, because they were all her friends first. I have a home this time, which is nice, but because I arrived right before COVID, all my job applications fell on deaf ears and so I'm getting hungry for employment. And pretty damned lonely. It's hard not being loved - or rather, it's hard having love taken away. I know what I did wrong, how I sacrificed too much of myself out of desperation to that very end, and how useless it is to hold anger against any one person besides myself. And also how useless it is to hold anger against myself, for that matter - I'm only human, after all. But the hard part is facing the future. It took me 30 years, four states, and varying degrees of homelessness and vagrancy to meet someone willing to hold me and say they enjoy my company. Who wouldn't, on finding someone like that, give that person their all? I won't start that process again. Just thinking about it makes me sweat. (Besides, Craigslist has since removed their personal ad section. HA!) I have a huge heart. And nowhere to put it. Worse, no one seems to want it. It makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't see. What's wrong with me? This heart doesn't do any good sitting here by itself. I've been literally around the planet and I'm really really not looking forward to carrying it alone again. I'm sorry for only showing up when looking for support. I did try to come back once and offer support while I was in a good place, but I found that I was too weak to do any real good for very long. It was triggering. That weakness thing.... Well, either way, thanks for still being here. I'm sure I'll get used to the upgrades. Tym