Jump to content


Popular Content

Showing content with the highest reputation since 01/02/2012 in Blog Entries

  1. 47 points

    Does it matter?

    What we do matters. They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself. How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does..... How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
  2. 8 points

    Dear Fellow Bloggers

    I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say. But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.
  3. 7 points

    "In My Garden"

    I had a bit of a breakdown at work today. I flashed onto the name of a daycare center near here. It's called "In My Garden". That sent me down into a spiral of despair and regret. When my daughter was little, probably 18 years ago, we made her a reading nook in the back yard. It was nestled in between some tall shrubbery, more or less hidden from view. We created a fairy ring/garden in the middle of it. She loved to sit in there, enjoying the refuge from "the real world". I loved to see her in there of course...knowing that she was insulated from the ugliness of this F'd up world. There are billions of kids in this world. A majority of them are dying of disease, starvation, and neglect. Others are being blown to bits in wars over greed and power. All kids should have a place in a garden of their own. I wish my daughter didn't have to grow up in such a sick mess that we humans have created. I'm so damned sad just thinking about it, to the point of despair.
  4. 7 points
    Here's one for all my friends on DF, even the ones who quietly surf the site and haven't been able to write anything yet. You are all worthwhile, and you are all worth the fight. Don't forget that. I may not have met you in person, but I still care about what happens to you. Remember, 'If you need a friend, there's a seat here alongside me...'
  5. 7 points

    Long Time, No Blog

    Wow. I haven't blogged in awhile. But so what? It ain't like people are lined up waiting for my next blog entry. It's been a year since I moved out of the house where I'd lived with my ex for 25 years. I still go over there from time to time to help with projects. For instance, this past weekend I crawled up on the roof and cleaned out the gutters. To me, it's an enjoyable but very messy job. Since I was already hot and smelly, I mowed both the front and back yards. Yes, this is my ex's house now. But my daughter still lives there. And a hunk of my monthly maintenance/alimony payment goes towards the mortgage and taxes of the place. Whatever. I haven't been involved with anything much outside of work and hanging out with my cats in the apartment. I was in a couple of "Meet Up" groups but didn't get much out of them. Same holds for the 5 or so AA meetings I attended. That was just like going to church as far as I was concerned. I need to become active in something. But with work, I don't have all that much time during the evenings to do anything. I try to be in bed by 8 or 9 p.m. so I can be up by 5. I need to get out of this office for awhile. I want to road trip it out west to visit my long distance girlfriend. We've never met in person, but have talked & texted with each other daily. I really want to have us together in person. Gotta find the time--and money--to make the 3000 mile round trip.
  6. 7 points
    im doing a lot better than i was this time last week. i have seen my caseworker and had counselling with khl and it has helped a lot. i did find out something that was potentially upsetting but i have overcame it and actually it ended up better than it was. i dont want to talk about specifics here yet though. still getting by the days one at a time and motivation is still well low but im getting through. the cookie time i had with little seems to have made things a bit more peaceful. i'll have to remember to take care of her..
  7. 6 points

    My depression story

    *I posted this on the new members forum, so if you've read it already just ignore it. Just wanted to get it on the blog X Hi, my name is Meg. I am 18 years old, and I suffered from major depression for the past 4 months. I've come to learn so much in the past four months, some of the most important things i've learned in my lifetime. I want to share my story and the things that i've learned from this experience in the hopes that one of you - out there, may be able to relate, feel normal, and unashamed of your mental illness. Because thats what it is - an ILLNESS. Its not something you choose to attract into your life, it controls you, and its hard to fight. The simplest things in life become such a battle, and life itself becomes pointless - you do not find any enjoyment in anything anymore, and your only causing grief to the people who are closest to you. You feel it would be better if you didn't exist. And I think that level of pain some people struggle to understand. So I want to share what it was like, because there shouldn't be a stigma around any illness - mental or physical. after all, ignorance can cost lives. If you keep fighting long enough, you will get better. I promise. Little disclaimer: I want to make it clear that nothing 'awful' has ever happened to me. I've been very lucky in life. I have a caring family, with no money issues, poverty, normal education, and good health. Maybe people from the outside, looking in at my life would think 'what does she have to be depressed about?" or 'she's being over dramatic" or "that i'm ungrateful'. It doesn't matter what the cause of your depression is. No matter how big or small that cause is. Every depression should be taken seriously. Never feel that you are unworthy of feeling the way that you do, just because some people have it worse than you do. I've hated myself for a long time over this exact reason. Depression is so individual to a person. Everyone faces hardships. And you can only compare you're own hardships to what you've experienced personally. What's hard for you, may not be hard for someone else, but thats ok. We are all different, and trust me, that doesn't make you any less of a person than anyone else. So without further a due, let's begin... 2017- 2018 I have always wanted to be a vet, basically since i found out what a vet was. It's been my lifelong dream and passion. I had finished AS (AS is midway exams in A levels) in 2017, with AAA grades - exactly what was required for veterinary. The year later i applied to universities. I remember being nervous, but excited for interviews. And coming out of the interviews thinking that I had done ok, and that I had a shot of getting an offer (especially after all of my hard work in the exams). From january to March in 2018, i received emails from 4 of the universities, all REJECTIONS. This knocked my confidence MASSIVELY. I felt inadequate, and actually embarrassed that i had done so bad since it was something I was so passionate about. It affected me so much that I was too distracted to revise and focus on my school work (despite my efforts). On March 31st i received an email from Bristol (my last uni and last hope at getting an offer). I remember before opening the email i kept telling myself over and over in my head 'it's a rejection' 'it's a rejection'. When i opened the email, i was shocked to see that they had given me an offer, i was absolutely over the moon. They later sent me a formal letter with the offer on it, and as motivation, i stuck the letter up on my wall. From that day on, i started to revise like crazy, i was so adamant to get the grades and not lose the offer. I would stay up all night (literally). When i was really tired, i would set an alarm that would allow me to sleep 2 hours MAXIMUM. I would drink 19 cans of pepsi a day, just so that i could stay awake. I never left the house, and I sat at my desk for so long that my legs would swell up, to the point that i wouldn't be able to put my shoes on (i'd have to wear my sisters shoes instead because she had bigger feet) As you can imagine those exams were an absolute disaster. My mind was foggy and my anxiety was through the roof. I knew i had messed up. When results day came, i wasn't surprised that i had failed. This is when my depression started, slowly creeping up on me at the realisation that all that sacrifice was for nothing. 2018 - 2019 That summer for me was very hard, I felt depressed from the moment my exams ended. It felt like I was in a big pit. and there was no way for me to climb out. Sometimes it felt like i was so deep down that i couldn't see the sun shining anymore. I couldn't imagine myself happy in the future anymore. I couldn't understand why it had happened to me, when i had tried so hard and sacrificed so much to follow my dreams. At the end of the summer I remember sitting down with one of my friends at a cafe. I opened up to her about how i had been feeling, and although she didn't understand it completely, her advice was 'everything happens for a reason, i'm sure some good will come out of this'. A week later i received a text from my aunt inviting me to go and stay with them for a year, attend school in the same year as my cousin (who i'll call - May). And resit my exams. I felt ecstatic, it was as if everything had fallen into place, and i found my reason. I needed to fail, so that i could learn from my mistakes, and have a second chance at getting it right - learning how to have a good work-life balance, making new friends, becoming more independent, and ofc going out to parties as i had missed many the year before, all whilst attending a very good school, with my cousin. For me, it offered everything that i had wanted to experience in uni - independence, new friends, and fun. For the first time in ages, i felt like i could actually go through with the year. That this new life I had envisaged in Cardiff would be good enough to get me through interviews and exams again. However, this story isn't that simple ! life never is, the reason why bad things happen to us might not be obvious. In fact i don't really believe 'everything happens for a reason'. Life is far more complicated than that. However, i do believe that there is something to be learned from every bad incident. Bad things in life help us to evolve and become stronger, more caring people. And so, with that saying in mind. Let's delve into part 2, of 2018 - 2019 2018 - 2019 (september onwards) I started my cousins school in September. I moved in with them. I took the train every weekend back home, bought my own groceries, walked to school. And had the opportunity to get used to life in the city. I was having the time of my life ! in fact, i can't think back to a time when I was happier. I had a nice group of friends in school. I was a little more mature. And was way more confident. However things started to quickly fall apart after a few weeks of living there. [My cousin - May] I had known my cousin all my life. She was a year younger than me. And although i disliked her at times, we could get along in short encounters. She would always have these mood swings, where she would go from 'life of the party' to 'annoyed at everything'. She quickly started to turn against me. She wouldn't talk to me (despite all my efforts to form a connection with her). She would run away from me, to avoid having to walk home with me. She would block me from the friend group chat. angle photos so that i wasn't in them... all sorts of childish things. Once I posted a photo of us hugging on instagram, with the caption 'thanks to the johns for putting up with me 24/7, lots of love'. I don't know why exactly, i felt a great amount of gratitude for them for letting me stay with them, and i guess a part of me wanted to mend things between me and May. May messaged me, saying that she hated the photo, she was absolutely LIVID with me. I tried to apologise the best i could, but she wouldn't calm down, she kept attaching me. I was devastated that this had only made things worse between us. The most interaction I could manage with May was small talk, about the weather and things like that. Often she wouldn't say anything back. Or even worse, she would make some comment that would make me feel bad about myself. For example - i would try to joke with her about not being able to do my tie properly, and she would look at me with annoyed and say 'thats not funny, why are you laughing' The whole situation with May and the family made me feel awkward and disliked by everyone in the house. I would start to retreat more and more over time. [The burglary ] I traveled from Swansea to Cardiff every Sunday - consistently. One weekend my mum drove me back to my aunts house, she dropped me off there, whilst she had to go and get some money out for me to use during the week. Whilst my mum was out, I was busy putting my food away in the fridge. It was 10 pm at night. Whilst I was busy doing this, two policemen came up to the front door. I let them in, and they started questioning me - Name, age, relationship to my Aunt. They asked me where my Aunt was and I told them that she must be in the house somewhere, so I led them upstairs, to the bedrooms. At this point I realised that all the lights on the second floor were turned off. Slightly panicked now I started to call out for my Aunt. I passed one of the windows on the second floor, and I could see outside, 2 police vans, and several police cars behind. There were several policemen searching around the outside of the house with torches and police dogs. I had never seen so many policemen in one place. At this point my heart started to race, I couldn't help thinking that someone had been ********. The more I called out for my Aunt, the more I started to believe that this might be true. After about 10 minutes of searching the house, the policemen were called downstairs. Once back in the kitchen I could see my Aunt and my 2 cousins outside, they were talking to a policeman. At this point I felt so relieved that they were ok. I watched as the police left and drove off. And my aunt and my cousins entered the house again. My aunt went upstairs without saying a word to me. I questioned my cousins on what happened. This is what they said .... "We heard noises coming from downstairs and mum thought it was a burglar. We all had to hide in the room upstairs, and mum called the police. Mum was so scared that she was crying. When we saw the police here, we climbed down the fire escape to the front of the house' and then one of them repeated 'You made mum cry' I remember feeling ashamed of myself and guilty. I went to my room and I could hear the 3 of them talking about me in the room below mine. I phoned my mum that night from my bed because I was in a state of shock. My mum told me that she couldn't come back to the house with the money because here were police vans blocking the driveway. The police had apparently blocked off the road leading to the house, and were preventing anyone from going through. I couldn't understand how they thought I was a burglar when I had been coming to the house the same time, same day, every single weekend. My mum left the money with her friends that lived in the area (Declan and Ali). They dropped the money off the following day. My mums understanding of the 'burglary' was, that my Aunt phoned the police to teach me a lesson. NOW, I know this sounds crazy and far fetched. But my Aunt is my mums older sister. They know each other better than anyone else would, and before this they had always had a good relationship. So my mum would only say this if she truly believed that that was the case. She believed that my Aunt was annoyed that we didn't send her a text on that particular occasion- saying that we were on our way. And so she phoned the police and everything to prove a point that we should have texted her. I didn't realise at the time, but later learned just how controlling my Aunt is. [My Aunt] The weeks following the burglary incident i progressively felt more and more uneasy around the family. I would often go out for long walks on the streets just to avoid being in their company. I would always cook my own meals do my own washing/ clean up to try and make life as easy as I could for them (and maybe possibly get them to like me more). I decided to give May some more space. I had come to the conclusion that I was intruding on her life too much (her friends/ family) and thats why she was annoyed with me all the time. So i backed off, and did whatever I could to please her. One day, whilst I was in the middle of writing an essay for one of my applications to veterinary, my aunt came into my room. She was angry with me. She said that I was odd, that there was something wrong with me, and that they had to put up with it. She blamed me for not spending more time with them. She then preceded to tell me that I was being mean to May, that I was ruining her year and if I didn't improve my relationship with her then she would have to kick me out. When she said this my eyes started to well up with tears. The thought of going home - back to solidarity, no friends etc was my worst nightmare. And at the same time, I felt completely and utterly defeated. I had been trying to fix my relationship with May for weeks. And yet she was blaming me for everything ! After this, my mental health started to deteriorate massively. I missed out on school more, in an effort to avoid May. And i spent most of my time in my room. I felt so guilty. My lovely Aunt had sacrificed so much so that i could stay with them, and this is how i re-payed her. The depression started to creep back in. I became so affected with guilt that i started comfort eating. I wanted to punish myself. Within 2 months I had gained 2 stone. I went from 7 and 1/2 stone -> to 9 1/2 stone. I had never been that big before. [Recovery] My mum was concerned for me, especially because of the condition that i was in the year before. She arranged for me to see a psychotherapist who also did hypnosis. (his name was Lenard) I was reluctant to see him on our first session. I remember I refused to get out of the car, and my mum had to phone my dad to help her get me into Lenards house. I'm not going to lie, the first session was awkward. But over time I started to trust Lenard, I would open up more to him. And I actually found myself looking forward to his sessions. It was more like having a chat with a beloved friend. And I always left the sessions feeling 10x better. However recovery isn't that easy or quick unfortunately. The short spurt of happiness and hope from Lenards sessions would only last a few days, at most, before I fell back into the black hole that is depression. I would lie in bed all day and night. Watching Netflix on my computer, as a distraction from reality. I was never really able to focus on anything. I wouldn't sleep well at night and often would be up until morning. I had completely retreated from society, refusing to go to school, or get dressed. Each day became monotonous, it was too hard to push myself to change anything. It was hard enough fighting my depression enough to take a shower or brush my teeth, let alone be social and pretend that everything was ok. At this point I wanted to die. I had never been so depressed before. It completely took over my life. I was unable to do anything. I can't think of a single moment, in those three months, that I was actually, truly happy. I just wanted to stop existing. But at the same time i knew that i couldn't **** myself. I had to watch on as my family fell to pieces worried over me. Whilst being absolutely unable to do anything about it. I would make endless plans to try and get my life back together, but i would only be able to follow them for a few days consistently before the effort of doing so became too much. I would always crash, and the more I crashed, the more hopeless I become. My Mum decided that I needed more short term methods to help me recover. Something that would work fast, so that I wouldn't end up screwing my exams over again. So she booked me in to see a psychiatrist, someone who could prescribe me some anti-depressants. My Aunt wanted to go with me to see the psychiatrist so that she could give the psychiatrist 'a better picture of what I was like'. Of course my mum said no to this as she was aware that my Aunt was biased against me. So instead my aunt (a doctor) decided to send her own letter to the psychiatrist that I was seeing. It was a clinical examination of me. Each box on the letter had different conditions that she was trying to diagnose me with. e.e -> for OCD she said that I played the piano compulsively -> for emotional attachment she said that I was always emotionally detached from a young age and would struggle to give hugs + eye contact -> she said that I had social issues, and needed social situations to be explained to me -> she said that I was often hurtful to my cousins -> and she suggested that I should go and see an autism specialist The letter she sent was very contrived, she had either twisted things that my mum had said to her, taken things out of context, or straight up lied, about how I was. Yes, I was a shy child, I wasn't the type who like to be the centre of attention. But I never felt that I didn't fit in with people, I had always managed to make friends throughout my life, and had never needed/ had social situations explained to me. Also - the piano thing. Yes, I really like to play the piano, but I wasn't compulsively obliged to play it. My parents tried to hide the letter from me, but weeks after seeing the psychiatrist, and starting anti-depressants, I found the letter on my mums phone. At this point I actually felt good about myself. I know some of you may think thats an unusual response to seeing that kind of letter written about yourself. But for me, it confirmed all the things my psychotherapist was trying to tell me. My Aunt was biased against me, and nothing I did for them would ever be good. The letter made it clear to me that my Aunt was wrong about me. And from that point onwards I stopped feeling guilty. And I started recovering. However I still had a lot of emotions to deal with, at first anger, followed by self-pity and feeling like a victim. Neither helped me to get better. It wasn't until my therapist told me this.. "I am so proud of you, the difference in you now, compared to when you first saw me is incredible. You have become a lot stronger person" (Although I wasn't healed yet). He made me realise the difference in me. That I was now far more self-assure, able to stand up for myself. He said that it was a hard lesson for me to swallow, that everyone is flawed in some way, and that life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to be, it's not fair, and it doesn't make sense. But through all that I evolved to be a better person. And if you asked me now honestly, would I rather that the whole depression incident didn't happen, I would say no. I wouldn't change a thing. For once I can actually say that i'm proud of myself. 1. I know that I can face tough things in life. 2. I am way more caring and sensitive to peoples feeling than i've ever been before 3. I am far more appreciative of the life that I have, and the people that are in it 4. I am more outgoing, and for once feel that I have just as much of a right to exist as everyone else 5. I am far better at self-reflection, and more aware of looking after my mental state No recovery wasn't perfect. It took a month of 40mg of anti-depressants to get me feeling like myself again. I remember I woke up one day and I could do whatever I wanted. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from me. It was EASY to be me again. Lessons Everyone deals with depression differently, and everyone recovers from depression differently. I'm glad to say that now, mid march I am back to my old self again. And it's an amazing feeling. I am 100% sure that without the therapy and the drugs that I had, I wouldn't have recovered from the dark place I was in. If i were to recover on my own, it would have taken me years. There is no shame in getting help. When I was 14 I was able to get myself out of my depression through forcing myself to exercise, eat well, and socialise - it took me 6 months, but it worked eventually. That wasn't the answer this time round though. You can't always do it by yourself, and thats ok. That doesn't make you weaker than anyone else. Look at me as an example. The same person, but two different incidences of depression. As I said before, I wouldn't change a thing. I know thats easy for me to say now, that it's all over. But I promise you that it's worth getting better. And being able to appreciate life again, after having lived several months in a very dark place, is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. There is someone out there who wants to help you. For me it was my parents, despite everything that they've been through. If you want someone to talk to, someone who understands what you're going through on a personal level. I am happy to be that person. Just let me know. I would hate to think of anyone feeling the way that I did. No one deserves that. And to get better sometimes you need to talk. XXX - Meg
  8. 6 points

    Joy from Very Little

    I didn't check how long it's been since I last posted a blog entry, but I know it has been weeks. Maybe months. I'm not concerned with how long it's been because I really don't care. Haha. I was going to routinely post here about positive things in my life. Well, that made for very sparse material about which to write. Don't get me wrong; I have it made in some ways: I live alone, I have two hilarious cats, I love my rusty old minivan, etc. etc. But I can't keep repeating that same stuff over and over again. The cats and I are going to kick back in the beat up old recliner and watch several episodes of Star Trek Deep Space Nine tonight. I look forward to this little ritual more than anything else I think. Both of the cats jump up on me and will sit there until I have to get up for some reason...like I have to change the DVD or take a leak. Otherwise, we are inert together for a couple of hours. Honestly, it's blissful and I treasure it. And then there's bed time...I take my shower and head for the bed. Both of the kitties lead the way into the bedroom and jump onto the bed. They sleep with me all night long. I turn on a fan for white noise and drift off with two furry warm bodies next to me. Again, bliss. I guess that makes me very fortunate...these two "activities" are very simple yet they bring me so much joy. I never want that to end.
  9. 6 points
    Someone I know committed suicide this afternoon. I only barely knew him. I saw him regularly when he came to my workplace as a customer. He was a familiar fixture in my workplace. Cranky, ornery, grumbling old man in his 70's. But that cranky old man shared his monthly food box with us..... and donated many popular items we have available for customers to use... It might surprise some people in our community to know that he will be missed here. It always makes me pause, when I learn someone in my community has committed suicide. To me, it almost feels like I've lost a fellow soldier in the fight. Another soul lost in the battle against the darkness. Another light snuffed out by despair and hopelessness. I feel like all I can do is remember, and keep fighting.
  10. 6 points

    A Day In a Cult

    I have always been fascinated with cults, and I love watching their documentaries. The ones I watch are scary but I can't blame people if they get brainwashed by these people. This happened a year ago when my friend was approached by a woman who asked if she would like to join a bible study. I am a Christian but at the same time, I'm not? (I've been baptized lol, but I was baptized as a Catholic as well). I thought it would be fun to go on a bible study, and my friend did too. So we agreed to go. This was close to Easter. My friend and I are of different schools so we met up at a place, and we met the lady. She seemed really nice and friendly. Now, I'm sure y'all would be annoyed at how stupid we are for going to these places. Just know that before we went, we made sure that it was a legit church and we also made sure that we had each orher's back (not to be brainwashed). We didn't know it was a cult at first. We met the lady at the bus station, and she brought us to the church. The church was so small, it was like an apartment. Outside of it is a baseball court (weird right). So we went into the church and was brought into a room. There were other women as well and they looked so fragile but excited. Now, in the room, it was just a woman and 2 of us. She explained the purpose of the church which I honestly don't recall and then proceeded to play a video that was 45 MINUTES LONG. The wHOLE ******* VIDEO WAS LITERALLY ABOUT ALL THE BRANCHES THEY HAVE (especially in the developing countries) anD HOW THEY ALL GATHER TO KOREA TO MEET THE MOTHER. Y'all, this mother apparently hears the word of God. THEY EVEN HAVE A CHANT. "we love you" LIKE O MY GAWD. So that went on and on and on about how they have churches in Kenya and India and China idk. I started to get really wary because I was scared to get brainwashed. The video ended and they offered us food. OK YALL MAY THINK IM RIDICULOUS BUT I DID NOT TOUCH THE FOOD BECAUSE I WAS SCARED. My friend felt the same way too. Then, she started to do bible study with us. Ok, here's the confusing part. She literally jumps from verses to verses throughout the book and mAKING A STORY OUT OF IT. So its basically taking a verse out and creating a new context and putting those verses together. Throughout the bible study, she kept saying baptism baptism baptism. She said that the only way to God was baptism, and eating at the right time when God sacrificed himself. I'm not going to lie. I have a weak mind, and if I didn't have a friend, I probably would have joined the church. Here's a reason why. I feel lonely, I feel like I want a support group, and right in front of my eyes, these people looked like they were able to provide me as such. I didn't know where I belong, I just want to feel like I belong. It's exactly like the episode in Boy Meets World where Shawn joined a cult because he never felt like he had a place in the world and the cult gave me a sense of belonging. I understood how he felt, and I yearned for that feeling too. My friend, on the other hand, was much more stronger. At the end of the bible study, all they wanted us to do is to be baptized. I've already been baptized so I'm good, but my friend has not (and she admitted though I wish she didn't) and their eyes immediately LIT. THEY WERE EXCITED. They started pushing my friend to get baptized and I had to say, "oh no, she has to consult her parents first" like hell, we were only 17. They kept pushing and pushing. It was already 8:30pm at night. As I looked around the room, I realized...... they were all women. and they look so sad. They just seemed so lost....so robotic. My friend and I quickly rushed out of the place anD we went to google "Mother of God" and it was stated as a cult. We weren't surprised but we were glad that we got out of there. My point of the story isn't exactly how I was able to leave the cult. It's more like why these cults exist and thrive. These people take their chances and find people that are unhappy and vulnerable. They give them the sense of protection and warmth, making it difficult to leave. I am really lucky that I had a friend by my side, because we reminded each other that we are not alone. Yet, at the back of my mind, I was tempted to join. I want to have friends, I thought maybe these women would be able to understand what I'm going through. These cults thrive because people like you and me exist. We want to validate our existence, we want to feel loved. We want someone to tell us what to do, because we feel like we are going nowhere. We want to forget our sufferings because we believe that these people could help take it away. I can't tell you how to stay away or detect cults, I can't tell you anything much. I can just tell you how I almost got pulled into a cult because of what they offer. Belonging.
  11. 6 points
  12. 6 points

    we need to love ourselves more

    On my first day to be warded, I cried terribly. The old ladies scare me the most. A terrible warning of what may become of me. There's an old lady beside me, whose cries and moans resonate with me eerily. Would I cry like that when I'm her age too? My fear is real. Some of the patients here are very young, barely out of their teens. I look at them sympathetically. I fear for them, for their path would not be easy. I told the doctor, "Being here, I'm looking at my past, present and future, at its worst perspective." I am looking at a bleak future. Before I left, I told one of the young ladies this; when I found out she has no family to depend on. "Take good care of yourself k? We need to love ourselves more when we don't have people to care for us."
  13. 6 points

    When Life Gives You Lemons

    When life hands you lemons, grab teq uila and salt and call me! When life hands you lemons, throw them at someone! When life hands you lemons, get sugar and water or your lemonade will suck! When life hands you lemons, make apple juice then sit back and let the world wonder how the heck you did it! When life hands you lemons, throw them back and ask for chocolate!!! When life hands you lemons, be grateful they are gluten free! When life hands you lemons, add vod ka! When life hands you lemons, use the opportunity to add zest to your life! When life hands you lemons, put a slice in your tea! When life hands you lemons, give yourself a lemon facial! When life hands you lemons, laugh because life doesn't have hands! When life hands you lemons, stomp on them and watch them squirt! When life hands you lemons....... oh screw it. That's enough, lol.
  14. 6 points


    G Gentleness: Be gentle with yourself and your expectations. R Relaxation: Do at least one relaxing thing. A Accomplishments: Do something that makes you feel good about your abilities. P Pleasure: Do something that brings you pleasure. E Exercise: Do at least 30 minutes of exercise that gets your heart going. S Social: Interact with positive people.
  15. 6 points
    Let me preface this by saying that I'm not about to write all of this because I want to wallow in self-pity. And I am most certainly not trying to bring anyone down. I'm doing this because it's high time that I take an honest look at what my depression has cost me, and those I love. I hope to gain a little perspective through this endeavor. I also aim to give some hope to those who may not have lost as much, yet. I've always been one who had to learn things the hard way, though pain. I'm hoping that maybe someone out there might be able to take a page from my book and not have to go down as far as I have. Try to learn from my mistakes. Having said all that, I'm a bit scared of writing all this out because I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by the list, and that it might take me down mentally & emotionally. If that does happen, I'm trusting that it will be only temporary. I'm taking this risk because, as I said, it's high time that I take an honest, serious look at all this stuff. Hopefully it will serve as additional motivation for me right now, as I struggle & work each and every day, harder than I ever have, at getting all the aspects of my life back on track. Or maybe "back on track" isn't quite accurate. Some of these aspects of my life have never been on the right track, and it's high time I got them that way. I've wasted far too much time already. It also occurs to me that once this entry is done, I need to examine things from the other side, and take a look at those things I have been able to build, accomplish, and hold onto. As long as this "bad" list is, it really is only one half of the story. There's a tremendous amount of positive in my life, and I'll write about that too, soon. When put together, maybe the two entries will give me the kind of insight & perspective I'm seeking. I am also terribly afraid of putting myself out there life this. I'm afraid of people knowing my reality, and that, as a result, they'll see me as broken, as a failure, and that they will want to distance themselves from me, and/or not have anything to do with me. Just like anyone else, at the end of the day, I want to have friends, and I want to be liked & loved. I'm scared that putting all this dirty laundry out there might blow a hole in the side of that ship. As many of you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic & drug addict. Sober 17 years as of 1-13-15. Because I got sober at a pretty early age, I hadn't lost all that much, in terms of material & circumstantial things. (Mentally & emotionally? That's an entirely different matter. See the "My Story" entries earlier in this blog.) After getting sober, however, I really began to struggle with depression, and it has haunted me ever since. It's been up and down, but I've been through a couple of periods of absolute Hell. Periods I wasn't sure I was going to survive, and in a couple of cases, nearly didn't. I wouldn't wish this condition on my worst enemy. As you all know, it can be indescribably, unimaginably awful in so many ways. I have, however, had significant periods of remission, and I continue to hold onto the hope that I can get truly better, and live a relatively depression-free life. I'm very much hoping to get back to that place very soon. I now see that this preface is pretty lengthy in and of itself, so I'm going to post it on its own. I have come up with the list itself, but will have that until Monday. Thanks for reading, & stay tuned... Adam
  16. 6 points

    The Hospital Psych Ward

    November 12-17, 2010 Minutes turned into hours as I sat among the chaos in the hospital ER patiently waiting for a bed to open up at any surrounding hospital. As the day turned to night, my friends finally left to go home, I tried to pass out from exhaustion from the anxiety but was afraid to really sleep. I felt like i was in a movie, I could see the action going on around me and all the people and hospital staff rushing around but I couldnt hear the sounds and commotions, like I was in a fog or a dream and wasnt really there. Being on suicidal watch I was plopped right outside the nurses station with a constant guard on duty watching me but luckily as the night went on, the ER quieted down and I was able to doze off for a bit. All I really remember after that was waking up at some point to a doctor asking me how i was feeling, he was different than the rest of the staff, he was calming, he sat down next to me and was eye level with me as opposed to all the nurses who stood over me with their clipboards asking question after question and then would disappear. He had a soothing voice and placed his hand on my arm explaining he was the doctor on duty, assured me I would be leaving soon and told me to call out to him if I needed anything. I didnt arrive at the hospital until sometime after midnight after 8 hours of sitting in that ER. I had to go thru the ordeal of answering questions, being told the rules and handing over my stuff before I could settle into a bed. I was in zombie mode the following morning, venturing out of my room, scared to see what this locked ward consisted of, I walked aimlessly around like a deer in headlights, my stomach in knots, my head consumed with racing thoughts and dealt with being stared at by other patients because i was a newbie. I quickly retreated back to my room where I curled up on my bed spending the majority of the day with my eyes glued to the clock waiting anxiously for visiting hours, hoping to see a familiar face and feel not so alone and abandoned. After the second day I quickly learned that the hospital workers walking around with the clipboards werent nurses but "babysitters" as the other patients called them. I was told to watch out for them, that they dictate when and how soon I get discharged. They watched your every move, they noted whether you slept all day, whether you came out of your room, whether you ate, and whether you participated in the ridiculous arts & crafts classes. I was told, if I stayed to myself that I wouldnt be going home anytime soon. I thought it was a good bit of info from the strangers who didnt seem to care if they stayed or went. I did my best to do what was expected even though I was out of my comfort zone. I spent most days just trying to follow the rules, going to the scheduled classes, and staring out the window praying to be dishcharged soon. I found myself often pacing in front of the phone stations where we were allowed short phone calls with the outside world. I tried to resist calling my friends every 10 minutes but being alone in this unfamiliar place with some scary individuals and not knowing my fate, I was beyond scared. I know they were going about their days with their regular routines, as I sat there feeling like time was standing still. Nights i would just lie in bed, my back to my roommate, just staring at the wall and my eyeglasses sitting on the radiator case. i would watch the light from hallway appear on the wall every 15 minutes when the orderly would open the bedroom door for suicide checks to make sure i was still there. they never checked to see if i was breathing, just that a body was in bed. i never really did sleep, i would just listen to the moans of the other patients and the movement in the hallway. my roommate slept all day and night, i dont think i ever saw her get out of bed during my time there. sometimes i wish i could go back, to just lying there letting life pass by on the outside world and not be apart of it. Each day started the same with nurses entering your room to do vitals, give medicine and ask how you are feeling. Nothing really went on during my stay that was "helpful" to my recovery. I saw a doctor for 15 minutes during my 5 days there. The classes were a joke that were just in place to pass the time, I never discussed my feelings with anyone, no one really asked me why I felt like dying, or why I was sad. There was no one on one counseling or even anyone other than the patients to even talk to. They just pushed meds and sent you on your way. The ward consisted mostly of detoxing patients than mental health ones resulting in alot of outbursts and angered individuals. The staff didnt seem too enthused to really "care" for us. One evening a patient was playing music on a handheld radio and when the other patients started to enjoy the entertainment with dancing and singing, the radio was immediately taken away with no real reasoning. Among it all, A patient took a liking to me, even though I really wanted to be left alone. It was nice at times that i had someone to roam the halls with but he definitely had his issues, as he was there for detox. One night, it was probably 2 or 3 am, I couldnt sleep so I walked the locked ward and before long, he joined me. The night shift workers discouraged us and told us to go back to bed, even though we were walking in silence. As we rounded the corner to our rooms, I said goodnight and turned in, he was the next door down and I thought he was turning in as well when suddenly there was a loud bang. I walked back out to the hall to find he was sleep walking, walked past his room and straight into the wall, needless to say he woke right up and became aggressive. The nurse at first comforted him, tried to guide him to his room, but soon other patients came out to the commotion and started commenting, which angered him further resulting in aggression towards the nurse. It was becoming a loud and huge ordeal so I thought I could help the situation by stepping in as I knew he would listen to me. I comforted him, grabbed his arm and whispered it was ok, and to go sleep it off, all the while guiding him to his room. He willingly went which angered the nurse and in turn snapped at me and told me to get to my room now. I was caught off guard and started to mumble that i was just helping but was cut off and scolded at to get to my room. I was dumbfounded and just laid in bed until it was acceptable to come out and hoped she was off shift in the morning, all the while, holding back tears because i just wanted to go home and leave that hell. Some days it was truly scary there, the outbursts, the yelling, the fighting, I was expecting something different. All my envisions of being locked up, I imagined it would be horrible & scary, but didnt expected to be housed with detoxing patients and never expected the situations I saw and the actions that took place. As a fragile depressed individual who just wanted to end the pain, a more sympathetic/caring environment would have made a difference. Its weird, even though I hated being locked up and feeling abandoned, it was a definite escape from my everyday problems. I experienced a different kind of stress, instead of stressing over not fitting in in my sad life, feeling alone, unwanted,and having no control over my feelings, I stressed about my parents knowing the truth and about what would happen to me at the hospital. sometimes i think its easier going back to that hell than living the one im in. It perhaps is the lesser of the two evils. It bothers me that those around me dislike me, whereas when I was locked up, my phone was taken away, no internet, no email, no facebook, no seeing anyone unless they chose to visit - not being connected to the real world was a nice change. Being in an environment where it was acceptable and understood that you were depressed was refreshing. I often feel ashamed with myself that I cant control it and seeing how others react to it, I get further mad at myself for not doing a better job to disguise it. It was a weight off my shoulders being able to walk around that hospital and not be criticized for being quiet. The sad part of it all, days before that hospital stay, I truly felt my friends gave up on me, but I was wrong, so wrong, the depression made me blind to it. However, months after my release, my recovery wasnt going as they anticipated. I wasnt getting better fast enough and labeled as not helping myself and not trying. Needless to say, as time went on, they all distanced themselves from me. I sometimes think I was better off not going to the hospital and not telling them what was wrong. Depression paralyzes you and so easily makes you feel unloved and unwanted when it really isnt true. Yet, oddly, if you are too weak to fight it, it ends up making it a reality for many.
  17. 5 points

    Last night was a bust

    I've been so weary as of late. I got home from work last night with every intention to go for a walk. Sat down in my recliner "for a minute" and Ziva the cat jumped into my lap. I woke with a start 90 minutes later and it was dark outside. No walk. Today I walked 4 blocks to a mailbox and back to send a letter to a friend in prison. I skipped work this afternoon and napped for an hour, again with Ziva. After that I was able to shove my carcass out the door and go for about a 1/2 mile walk. I guess that counts as a victory.
  18. 5 points
    OK, I decided to once again try to start eating healthy and losing weight. The trick is to cut out carbs, especially donuts/cookies/pastries etc. A person can eat nuts, berries, meat and hard cheese though. But I'm a carb addict. I'm in such horrible condition right now. I went on a several year bender and I think my heart muscle is shot. I also put on 30 lbs. That weight has to come off, and I need to take a load off of my poorly functioning heart. I've hijacked this blog to become a record of my success (or failure).
  19. 5 points
    I was finally checked out from hospital last Friday. It feels so good to be at home. I've kept myself quite busy. There is no space or time for depression right now. Hypomania is gone so I am delightfully enjoying steady mindset. I've still got lot of energy but I guess that's the real me - active, motivated and creative. Sometimes it's hard to recognize the real you when you've been sick so long and your illness has become part of your identity. Or at least you think it's who you are. You are not your illness even though it's part of you. I learned lot of useful tools at the ward when I participated in psycho-education. I have tried to use those tools as much as I can. One I remember well is to do one thing a day that you need to do. And do one thing a day that brings you joy. It doesn't matter if you can't feel joy. You just need to do things that promote your feeling of control and capacity. Some day you will notice that one thing brings you joy again. For me these things usually are household chores and doing my makeup. No matter how tired I feel I will do a chore and I will put on my makeup. I have recently faced a problem that is really bothering me right now. I've worked really hard to overcome but sometimes it's really frustrating. I believe most of us using Quetiapine (Seroquel) are battling with this weight issue. Weight gain is very common with antipsychotics. I've gained a lot weight since November when my dosage was tripled. A good thing is that I've started to exercise and mind what I eat. But the weight issue is a real deal. I exercise five days a week but my weight just keeps going up every week so it's very frustrating. I talked my nurse about this and we agreed on to keep going on like this for few more weeks before consulting my doctor about possible changes on medication. I am not overweight yet but I don't feel comfortable in my own body. I hope to embrace this healthy lifestyle again and keep on going. Exercising is so important for your mental health too. And it takes only about an hour of your day. Here in North we've still got a full winter but it won't stop me putting my sneakers on and head for a run. Have a great week everybody and please go out and enjoy nature 🙂
  20. 5 points

    Life in a psychiatric hospital

    This is my fifth day in a hospital. I thought of writing you guys what it's like to be here. I am writing from North of Europe so my experience may be somewhat different from yours. I am having lot of trouble concentrating so let's see how I work this out. A typical day starts at 730am with a breakfast and distribution of morning meds. Nurses will wake you up and ensure you have some breakfast. After the breakfast and meds everybody gather in a common room for a morning info. A nurse tells about today's program and deal with a different topics like anxiety, feelings, sleep etc. Before a lunch you can participate in groups. There's different groups available from Monday to Friday. I haven't taken part in any yet but I have signed up for one group next week. It's for parents who have a mental illness. I think it deals with how to tell children about a mental illness. Lunch is served at 1130am. Food here is pretty good. At 130pm is coffee time. Coffee is not that good here but I get used to it. Coffee is very important for finns and I think we consume more coffee than any other nation. Or that's what I have read. Days go by quite slowly here. Meals are highlight of the day and set the pace of the day. There are some activities available like books, magazines, a computer, a tv, puzzles and of course socializing with other patients. Dinner is served at 430pm. This is not a closed ward so you can go outside for a walk, run errands, meet family and friends or visit home. You have to talk with your nurse if you want to go somewhere. I am not allowed to visit home this week because I am suicidal but I'll go tomorrow to my parents with my family. I think my sister is coming too with her family. I will be away for three hours and get back by six o'clock when I have to take meds. There is a nurse for every patient morning shift and evening shift. Nurses usually come to talk once during the shift but they are available if you need to talk more. There's three nurses on my team but I also meet other nurses than those three who are responsible of my treatment. A supper and evening meds are served at 730pm. Patients take care of serving it. Every room has a kitchen shift when they are responsible of serving the supper and cleaning up. It's part of the treatment. Some patients watch tv in the evening, some patients prefere staying in their rooms. I usually stay in my room. I talk with other patients when eating but I don't socialize much except with my roommate. My roommate doesn't spend much time in our room so I get to be here alone. My mood has been quite good here. I mostly feel safe and relieved here. My concentration and capacity are weak so I don't do much. I lie in my bed and message with friends and family. Or try to write on different forums like this. That is pretty much a typical day in a psychiatric ward. I hope I was able to give you a glimpse of my days. I will add some photos too.
  21. 5 points

    For Smiles, My Dog

    This is my doggie daughter. Her name is Baby. But she likes to be called "BoBo" in front of the cats. I hope this picture of my doggie daughter brings many smiles to many faces this New Year. I love you guys.
  22. 5 points

    Waiting for the Ice Queen

    I got out into my natural element on Saturday. It was 28F/-2.5C and slightly breezy. I walked over to the big lake to watch Winter begin to take hold. Our weather has been warmer than normal for several weeks so the ice isn't forming as quickly as it usually does...nor do we have any snow. I'm happier being out in these conditions than I would be at 80F and sunny.
  23. 5 points

    Last Post & Thank You

    As the title says, and not that anyone cares to read all this to the end. But anyway, this will be my last post on this forum, as a form of my own closure. I had been here for 8 years, from the age I was 23 before I got married, to when I got married at 26 and as I go through the rough patches of marriage to now I am 31. I came here cos I was suicidal from the stress and pressures of being in the top school of my country, from failing and ended up going to one of the worst schools of my country, from being molested by my ex-colleague in his own house and he whom I had looked at as a father figure, from rushing into marriage with my first bf that I met when I was 26 out of fear that no one else will like me anyway, from the regret and the signing of the divorce papers and going for marriage counselling, from living and still living with my mother-in-law, from the difficulties of getting impregnated, and the struggles still continue. The past few weeks I have been scrolling around the forums looking for people I can help. There are already many people here who are already very helpful. And some posts I see, I feel like I wanna help. I really do. I typed out a long paragraph and deleted a few words and repeated that a few times for a few posts but I never posted. I just don't know how to help. And it kinda hurts. Cos I can't really help them see if they don't see it themselves. That this life is full of suffering. Life is essentially an endless series of problems. The solution to one problem is merely the creation of another. Things go wrong, people upset us, accidents happen. These things make us feel like sh*t. And I have lived through so much to learn to just stop caring about the things that happened, to stop comparing myself with others, to just accept myself as who I am. But, I just don't know how to explain it to the people here. If only we can enjoy life like forever without suffering. If only. But life does not work that way. We can't filter life and just take the good without the bad. We are a sum of our experience. Including the s*it that happens. But I can't tell you to snap out of it, because that's not how depression works. It takes a toll on us and we need to grief and swim in it and struggle in it and almost drown in it, because when we are drowning, that's when our hands do their utmost best to grab anything and everything around them for help. You need to fall so far so deep deep down to that point in which you yourself snap and tell yourself that you are done with all this happening to you, and you are going to take responsibility for your life and do everything in your power to change, including forgiving yourself and your past whether you like them or not. And if by luck, you get the right help, you get out, but don't imagine it's that easy. And if you're unlucky, you keep swimming around in it until you get lucky. But don't stop swimming. Never. Cos life is one problem after another. No you don't stop crying either. Because when you stop crying you're no longer living. The key is to keep searching for the ways to have our emotions under control to be able to survive and be happy from solving the never-ending problems in life. Don’t hope for a life without problems. There’s no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems. The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. So how do I explain all this to everyone? That I got lucky. That I got my emotions under control because I recently have found and I have understand the meaning of life. That I know that every suffering I receive is good. I can't explain it. And of course, this I have to say because it's the main thing that helped me recover from my depression. I found my God, my Creator. And everything else does not matter. It does not. It's really a liberating feeling to just leave it all to Him. To know that everything I receive, I receive it from Him because I can't get anything myself. To know that I have done my very best and I leave the rest to Him. To know that the water I drink in front of me is from Him. To know that the Mother-In-Law shouting came from Him. To know that there is no point to continue a conversation with a toxic person because He understands me and that is sufficient for me. So I live my life for Him, I belong to Him, and everything I do, I do my best as much as He allows me to. And I can't explain that to the people here. And that's it. Accept it. One of the important skills in life is to accept things that I cannot change. Accept it I will. But there's so many many great people here and great ideas from the people here, and I really wish they can see it. Thank you to whoever who reads this and to everyone here who has helped me with my depression, and may we all recover from this painful disease. And I'll end with a quote from Neil deGrasse Tyson: "The atoms of your body, are traceable to the stars that manufactured them, in the core of the thermonuclear fusion, inside the cores of stars. And these stars exploded, scattered these elements across the galaxy into the next generation gas clouds, that then collapsed to form star systems, with ingredients that can now make planets, with planets that now have ingredients that can now make life. We are alive in this universe because our atoms are traceable to the universe itself. The universe is alive within us. You are special not because you are different from the universe. You are special because you are the same as the universe."
  24. 5 points

    Hello, Friends =)

    Hi everyone, it's Shane. I'm sure most of you figured out that I left DF after a pretty long period of inactivity...I'm not making a comeback or anything. I left the site for a number of reasons, none that I need to go into here...and honestly, I'm getting by fine without it, and most days I'm generally happy and mostly depression free. It still rears it's head now and again, but I mostly have it under control with the help of a few people in my life and a formula of natural coping skills and brutal, daily honesty with myself and everyone in my life. This is just a short update for the many friends I made over my time on the site. I left abruptly, and maybe I'm flattering myself, but I've been thinking lately that maybe my friends here have been worrying or at least wondering what happened to me. After all, when someone in the DF community just drops off the planet, it's usually not a good sign. I just wanted to let everybody know that I'm fine, doing well, making progress...and I think about many of you all the time, and I hope you're all doing well, too. Like I said, I have no desire to make a comeback and no plans to become active on DF again anytime soon, if ever. Just wanted to reach out to the good people I've met on here and let them know I'm doing all right and express my fond wishes that all of you are finding peace and balance in your lives as well. Never give up, always keep trying. Everyone has to walk their own path and find their own way, but I was able to find some peace by practicing honesty and kindness in my daily life. Treating everyone with love and respect has given me peace, and I'm starting to reap the benefits of it....improving lives of people I touch, and also receiving some peace and joy for myself in the process. I am drug free in every way. I have put down the antidepressants, sleeping pills, and anti-anxiety meds. I wasn't getting results, and the more I learned about the medications I was blindly taking because a physician told me to, the scarier the whole thing became. I came to realize that the professionals pushing these drugs don't know what they do or how they work, or what long term effects or consequences are. I am not recommending that ANYONE do what I did - if your meds help you and you trust them, then a salut, God bless, good luck. I've replaced my drugs with healthy, natural coping skills, I no longer self medicate, either. I have found balance, and my path has led me away from drugs in any form, whether they are drugs that I chose and bought of my own free will, or drugs I was sold by a physician. I love all of you, and you're all in my thoughts and prayers. Peace and love, friends. I'll always hold a place in my heart for the souls on this site. Shane
  25. 5 points

    Close Call

    Trigger Warning: Suicide 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 123456789 I just got the closest I've ever been to ending it...but I didn't have the guts. I wanted to so badly. I guess I'm here another day. I hate this. I'm sorry. That was my lowest point ever.
  26. 5 points
    The reason my blog is called "I Think" is because that is the root of all my problems. Well my depression/anxiety at least. I'm not saying this to brag, but although I'm not formally educated, I have a pretty high IQ. I think that the majority of people on here probably do too. It's us thinkers who get into trouble. We just think too much. I think the less intelligent people, the simple people, are probably much happier in life. Because they aren't stuck in their heads. We think we can think our way out of depression, when it's our very thoughts (negative) that are keeping us stuck. We wallow in the mud that we create in our minds, and we wonder when it's going to get better. Well it's not going to get better by wallowing in it. Our negative thoughts and negative self-talk are bad habits. I am so very guilty of this. I'm constantly monitoring my mood, constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking I'm coming up short. I see others here all doing the same thing. Thinking is bad. If only we could completely switch off our minds and take a break from the constant stream of thoughts.
  27. 5 points

    Just a poem.

    I decided to take 20 minutes and write a poem, to just get out my thoughts...it's a pretty crappy poem I admit. Anyways...here goes: I've lost myself, who am I? It keeps getting worse, why do I try? My dreams impossible, I cannot fly. All my hopes, they are a lie. This feels unreal, wish it was nonexistent. Nothing makes me happy, why can't I be content? I seem selfish and cruel, but it's not what I meant. The world would be better without me, but that's just my two cents. I've made no progress, and another day's gone by. I feel so alone, I see old friends, they don't stop to say hi. My problems insignificant, yet they make me cry. The stupidity in this world, all I can do is sigh. I hate having to sing this world's horrible song. Everything I feel, it is so wrong. I am a failure, nobody would miss me if I was gone. Either way this lonely world continues on. Like I said, not my best poem, just trying to get out my thoughts and I figured a poem would be the best way to go.
  28. 5 points

    Good Day So Far!

    I woke up this morning feeling good. Last night was a test...had an argument with my significant other. It happens. We're both very opinionated and strong-willed people, and when our thinking and opinions don't line up, we let each other know about it. I got overly emotional and acted in an uncharacteristic way...normally, I try to be very patient and understanding, and to always think about where the other person is coming from. Last night, because it was an issue that affected me negatively emotionally, I got even more emotional when I thought I wasn't being fully understood and supported. I reacted poorly. But here's the great part - we took a 20-30 minute cool down period, and when we started talking again, we were both apologetic and ready to be rational and understanding with each other again. I don't think the value of that aspect of our relationship can be understated, you know? I'm so grateful to be in love with a girl who is this amazing. I'm so grateful to be in an actual adult, healthy relationship for a change. I truly am the luckiest guy on earth. So I was feeling good about that last night. I love that we can sort this stuff out quickly. Going to bed angry/upset with the person you're with is one of the worst things in the world. I'm super grateful that I haven't had to do that with my girl since we started this newest relationship, and tbh I don't really see a scenario when I'll ever have to. We're both very quick to admit when we're wrong and apologize. It's just...awesome. I was already in a good mood when I woke up, and then I realized my FedEx package with my meds was already here. I called in that Patient Assistance, free medication program prescription yesterday around 3pm. Sixteen hours later, the meds are at my front door. I'm so grateful for that...after so many years of frustration with pdocs and meds and prescriptions, I've found one that really works. I get it for free, and they ship it right to my door. Again...I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I must have been being a good person lately, because it feels like Karma is spoiling me. It's wonderful to feel like the universe is rewarding me instead of prisonraping me, lol
  29. 5 points

    New Perspective

    It's so true...everything we experience is a matter of perception. We really get to choose how we experience life. God, that's an empowering thought, right? We have control of that. I was just listening to a song I like called The Bad Side of 25. Obviously its about crossing the 25 year old age mark and the feelings that go along with that. And even though I've always enjoyed the song, I kind of felt sad, because I felt like I was on the bad side of 25. But out of nowhere just now, I just got hit by a brainstorm...I may be on the bad side of 25, but I'm on the good side of 35. *Boom goes the dynamite*
  30. 5 points

    Juice RAGE

    So here's a funnier blog some of you may enjoy. I just got back 30 minutes ago from shopping, starting off the winter break. I was coming inside, carrying a bunch of groceries, right as I got into the kitchen the juice fell and split open shooting juice everywhere. I got so mad, I starting kicking the wall and shouting curse words. I started to clean it up. After cooling down I went to talk to my friend, and here's part of the chat: [2:44:41 PM] Jalen: Oh god I'm so p***** right nowwwwww, cooled down some though [2:45:22 PM] Shane: God dam *** happened dude [2:46:42 PM] Jalen: I spilled my juice this actually ended up being a good thing, laughing my ass off right now. I very rarely get mad, but when I do it's normally for the dumbest reasons.... D*mn it V8
  31. 5 points
    This is it, this is the night I forget about all year long, but the one night that happens every year. Every year in December here on the Gulf Coast, at some random time before Christmas, we always have a very weird, creepy night. It's in the weather. It's a smell. You can feel it in your bones. It's like the whole world, and everything on it, takes a deep breath and lies still. Even the weather phoned it in tonight. The air is thick, on the verge of fog...it deadens any sounds that might be being made before they can travel far. It's not hot or cold, or even warm or cool...it's like the air is completely devoid of a temperature. The breeze is listless and has almost a desperate, dying feel to it. The sky is cloudy, a grayish-red color that makes you think of the word "witchlight." The clouds move across the sky in spurts and stops...speeding up and then running out of gas. The very air tries to lull you into a stupor...you find yourself swaying on your feet and staring off into the witchlit horizon. Creepy. Cool.
  32. 5 points


    I feel so unstable. I feel so blank and empty, but anything can set me off. I realize that my emotions are just barely being held in, locked away. They could flood in and make me a mess anytime, as they so often do. They are barely being held back and it's getting harder and harder to keep them from getting out. When they come out, I am left unprepared and lost. I can't take this, I am always worried. The tears tear through me. I just don't know how to keep all of them in, but I guess I must find a way. Just wanted to get what I've been thinking about out, in my mess of a blog.
  33. 5 points

    Being Carter

    It's been brought to my attention that I may be overblowing the whole positivity thing on this site by more than one person. Like, me being relentlessly positive is hard for some people to stomach. And I get that, I really do, and I accept it. When I'm at my worst, I see a guy walking down the street snapping his fingers and whistling, and I want to walk over and kick him in the peaches. But at the same time, while I understand its not for everybody, I can't bring myself to apologize for it. I don't feel sorry about it. I suffered for a long, long time, and a lot of it was needless suffering, in retrospect. That is NOT a judgment on anyone else on this site - I am referring to my own past suffering. I will never ever tell a person that their pain is imagined or any less real than someone else's. Emotional pain is a private thing that everyone processes and feels differently. The reason behind me trying to keep a positive and honest outlook on this site is simple - I made a decision to try it in my real life, and I had instant positive results. My life has improved into something I never thought it could possibly be, and it's only getting better. Nobody saved me. My amazing girlfriend helped, for sure. But I feel that I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and got myself into an emotionally healthy-ish place, enough to be in a healthy relationship with a positive girl who has a beautiful soul and pure intentions. Am I perfect? F**K NO. I still manage to say or do something stupid on a daily basis. I still get emotional and say things I feel horrible for later. My Major Depression Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder diagnoses have not gone away. I'm still f**ked up. But I'm a lot less f**ked up than I was last week, and if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll be even better next week. I love you all, and I'm even starting to love myself a little. Have a great Thursday, everybody
  34. 5 points


    I feel terrible. I have two tests today and 3 funal exams next week and i just cant handle the pressure. I have been thinking about hurting myself so much i cant get anything done. I just want to die. I dont even want to feel better anymore i just want to not feel anything. to not feel like such a failure. And mental health is so much work. I am afraid my therapist is disappointed in my because i can never get anything done. and i cant. and she should. And then there is the disconnect. i cant connect to anyone, I've been trying to get out and socialize a lot in the past months and it just leaves me feeling either ignored or worse like am bothering people. I cant be an island. but the expectations i place on myself are drowning me. Then! we have the phenomenon where everything feels like cardboard (is this derealization?) and i just feel so dang empty and valueless and i think that makes the world feel empty but i don't know what to do because i have been doing everything i should be doing and that's just lead me here. I cant focus on anything and i am so afraid of failure I cant calm my mind enough to remember any of the things I've supposed to have learned. On top of this i have missed the past 10 classes in this topic because i couldnt leave the house. I'm not sure if i should even be going back to school next semester is I do for some reason make it through this one. Everything I do just makes me feel worse, but i really like talking in this forum, even if it sometimes feels just like I am yelling into the abyss. I just want to make it past New Years... then is this keeps up i might go back to the hospital...I think i have a psychiatrist appointment before then but the doc will probably just brush me off again. great, now i'm crying. I wish I wasn't so torn. It sure would be nice to not struggle for once. I know everything thats worth having is worth working for but I just can't help not wanting anything. I don't know whats wrong with me. I can't emphasize how much I am struggling here. I need to talk to someone, but all of my friends are busy and responses here are few and far between. I feel like i have nothing to offer. this blog is a mess. I need to make the following changes: see about getting part time benefits for next semester. look into getting back into exercise. get something submitted for all my projects, even partial marks are still marks. lets see where this gets me
  35. 5 points

    It Has to Stop

    This is a post I hope people read and actually hear me out. Lately, I've been seeing more negativity and generally hateful sh*t on this site than I've ever seen before. I'm completely sick of scanning blogs and reading "I hate people," "People are stupid," etc. Unless I've totally misunderstood the purpose of this site, the point is for us all to come together and support each other in an emotionally healthy and positive way. This is not to say I don't understand that people have bad days. We all do. But too many people on this site are spreading their hate, negativity, and discord to others. You may not feel like you're affecting others with these sorts of posts, but you are. There are people on this site who have emotional issues, and hateful rants can be a trigger for many of them. I've had enough of it, and I want to let it be known publicly that I'm through being a bystander. I will be reporting unnecessary and hateful posts from this point forward. If you can't refrain from making them and control yourself, you need to take it somewhere else.
  36. 5 points

    Emotional Pain

    Something has sent me into a dark pit of emotional hurt and pain. An old wound has been opened up, and now is just raw all over again. I'm scratching at it, but I don't know what it is. It's from childhood, I can tell since it's an old one and rears it's ugly head once in a while. I don't like the way I'm feeling right now, and all I feel is pain and sadness. I just want to cry my eyes out and sit in a pool of tears with the covers over my head, the lights off and the shades drawn. My childhood really did mess with me, and I am still healing from it. Hence my last blog entry about entering the darkness again to heal up those old wounds that still haunt me from time to time. Right now, I feel like a vulnerable, very open innocent kid whose balloons have all been popped. Why I regress backwards into a childlike state is beyond me, and I need to fix it. I'm an adult for crying out loud. This is my task ahead. I hate feeling this way and want out. One step forwards, two steps backwards. I am going on my first date tonight since my breakup. I hope he is a nice person. I cannot handle another one who is a jerk. Let's hope it goes well. I need something to turn myself around.
  37. 5 points
    You were not a mistake. Your body says lay down. And the world calls you 'guilty'! For not sweeping the floors in harmony with them. For not holding your breath To make your body square To fit into their cubicle Action, action, action, don't just stand there, do something repetitive and mindless like the rest of us!! They told us that a body must move alot to remain in motion, eh? as though laws of rigid body physics applied to the disruptive thought potential of the depressive But that is a lie A still body; open, quiet, and listening, not forcing, just being hears things that the frantic masses Will never hear standing up. My best ideas have come by laying the fu ck down. But when they come, fellow depressives, write them down and take that ball downfield As if this is what you were born to do Those moments of inspiration, deepest love for humanity, the odd idea that will bend the world into uncomfortable bloom That's you.
  38. 5 points
    Lately, I've been kicking butt and taking names. I've cleared out unhealthy people in my life. I decided I need to work out because I am uninsured and I need to maintain my health as long as I can, I"m getting older, I'm too anxious and need to be moving about, and I'm afraid of being in bed all day. The bed .. its heaven and hell to me. At the beginning of Round 3 of depression (March 2016) I got 3 hours of sleep and now I just restless sleep for 8 hours. I made some breakthroughs with my counselor. It all seemed great. But the dust has settled and I feel like I'm in the middle of the desert flats looking around with no one, nothing around me. I'm back to low now. It's been a few days. I feel more lonely than ever. I only have 1 person friend here and that's my landlady/ ex co-worker. But, it's hard to relate sometimes (Im 33, she's 50, though I wouldn't be here if it was not for her) I've been getting 4-5 hours of sleep that are very restless. To break that down: I get about 3 hours of sleep, i wake up at around 4 am browse about online for an hour, go back to sleep. The holidays are coming soon here and I just can't face the happiness at work, everyone is making plans to be with there kids and i'm here with no social life, no friends, no kids, not even pets. My family lives 600 miles away, I have absolutely 0 family where I live. This doesn't feel like the severe depression I had last year but I know I'm not well. I can eat, brush my teeth, I take showers every day, i do my laundry every week. Whereas before, I had to work hard to eat again, to drink water, to brush my teeth, to sit up in bed, to make it into the shower, etc. I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought I cleaned up my life of negativity and that it would make me feel better but I have no one to be happy with and Im just so desperate for that. Even the unhealthy people that I pushed out of my life have someone and I think that's what makes me feel the worst. I thought I was doing good and bettering my life but I dont feel like I did and I feel like I"m about to walk into the cave of depression. I can just feel it. Actually, it feels like when you're standing on the beach and the water is up to your knees and you see a huge wave coming that is about to knock you down but you're locked in. I'm bracing myself for this. No memes tonight. Memes make me happy bc I get a kick out of people finding them funny. But I'm afraid of anything positive right now.
  39. 5 points
    The emotionally painful part of this bout with depression has passed for the time being. However, there's been one lasting effect on me. Depression has sapped my desire to do things. I have all these dreams and goals. But the recurring feeling in my mind has been, "I have no energy to do them." Everything seems like too tall an order. Anything I could reasonably do is too small to be worth the energy spent on it. I find myself wedged in the space of wanting to do things, but being too devoid of energy and motivation to get them done. Anything I might want to do becomes aimless. I lose sight of the big picture, the end goal. And when I try to find it, I become frustrated. It's so far away, there's so much work that I can't bring myself to do. I hate wasting away my days doing nothing. I try not to imagine myself as being someone who is likely to have a very above average life and level of success - though that's a hard thing for me to shake off - but I know I'm capable of more than this. The problem is ultimately a chemical one. The feel-good hormones in my brain (dopamine, etc.) aren't being produced like they used to. As a result, anhedonia. Stuff doesn't feel good to do. And thus, no urge to do these things. This is what makes depression so debilitating for me.
  40. 5 points

    I Did It

    I just submitted an application for a job that would be a good fit for me. I think it took me longer to press submit that it took to go over my resume and fill out the application. I sat in front of my computer and debated with myself. Reasons to apply: 1. As I said in my previous post, I cry most mornings when I get to work. 2. I cry when I get home because I know I have to go back. 3. I'm very stressed out. 4. I need to make a dr appointment because my Wellbutrin doesn't seem to be working and I think it's the job making my depression worse. 5. I feel no desire to actually accomplish something at work. I spend my first hour watching youtube videos 6. I'm sick of the fact that anyone can take off when they want, but when I ask, no one else can be off and it can't be the end of the month(our busiest ship day). There can be two people off when I'm working, but I can't take off if only 1 person has off. The way my boss acts when I ask for a day off makes me feel like it's a burden that I take off. 7. I don't feel appreciated anymore. I feel like I'm there just to get the higher ups their bonuses. Sales asst manager gives you a donut for coming in on a weekend (that you were supposed to have off) to get the last monthly shipment out the door. Ooh, a donut. I hope you enjoy that bonus you will get. I'm sure it's not just a donut. 8. I binge eat when I get home. Some people drink to make them feel better, I eat. Reasons to stay at current job: 1. Social Anxiety (having to interview and getting used to new people) 2. Anxiety of having to hand in a 2 week notice 3. Having to deal with my direct supervisor try to persuade me to stay. Or have him try to dissuade me by telling me it won't be any better anywhere else. Plus I think I'll get a bit of an attitude after handing in my notice. I don't know why I'm even weighing the pros and cons. I'm sure nothing will become of the application. Just some lost time on my behalf. I don't have a life, so I guess that time really doesn't matter.
  41. 5 points


    an african proverb - every morning in africa an antelope wakes up. it knows it must outrun the fastest lion - or it will be killed. every morning in africa a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest antelope - or it will starve. it does not matter if you are a lion or the antelope - when the sun comes up you had better be running.
  42. 5 points
    Dear DF Members, Before taking a few hours break today, I decided that I should write something. I tried to rest for a minute, and suddenly started crying. I couldn't stop crying for several minutes. Usually this only happens when I am too overwhelmed by my feelings to cope anymore, but this time was different. This time, as cheesy as it might sound, I cried because my heart was touched so profoundly. A lot of people here, including myself, are filled with negative thoughts. We hate ourselves, or if not, are at least our own biggest critics and nitpickers. But you know what occurred to me? We, YOU, are not selfish. Regardless of what goes on in your daily lives, what might have happened in the past (because we all make mistakes), you come here and you help people. Many of you, on a daily basis, even when you want want to crawl into a hole yourself, you still manage to come here and let people know they AREN'T ALONE. There is a lot of ugliness in this world (as well as beauty but right now, we're talking about the ugliness so bear with me). There many, many, closed minded and selfish people in the world, people who do not care about anyone or anything but themselves. Homeless people are told to "just get a job", people addicted to drugs are looked down on, the mentally ill are looked at like we have three enormous heads. People fail to help, or console others, even when their kindness could save someone's day, maybe even save their life. I doubt there is ever an excuse to be THAT selfish, but it seems to me like if anyone ever had a partial-excuse to look only after themselves, it would be a mentally ill person who is themselves tortured on the inside. But I notice that I don't take that selfish path, and neither do you guys. The most compassion, kindness, and wisdom that I see on a daily basis are from terrified people. People who are too anxious to work, socialize, or maybe even leave the house. People who aren't sure if their depression will ever go away, maybe aren't sure if they will survive this disease without taking their life at some point, who may even be considering whether or not to **** themselves right now. People, more or less, like me. The fact that some of my biggest supporters are people who often question whether their life is worth living touches my heart on a level I can't even describe here. The kindness that comes from you is great, and very appreciated. If you can't see any good in yourself, at least know that THIS is true goodness and you are acting in a way that even most of the "healthy" people we may envy usually fail to. Thank you.
  43. 5 points
    I've known a lot of people whose depression got worse because they felt like there was no meaning to life, or they wondered what that meaning is. I've also met people without depression who wonder, almost excessively, about this. I don't think there is anything wrong with wondering, and am not judging people who ask this question because I have asked "What is the meaning?" many times before. I think this issue pops up most for people, like me, who whether they try or not, just cannot believe in God. I, personally, do not think life has an inherent meaning that is the same for everybody. I think every day, we create our own meaning. We create it when we make goals, form opinions, speak and bond with others, work towards things. I am not saying life has no value, I think it inherently has that (Of course!). For this reason, my disbelief that life has an inherent meaning doesn't depress me (which is somewhat of a miracle, because a lot of things depress me.) I am not posting this to sway others to think like I do, only sharing a personal conclusion that I've come to. If you believe in God, or a higher power, that gives your life a purpose... what kind of person would I be to jab at that or try to take that from you? I think everyone goes on through life, and depression, in their own way. Everyone has their own beliefs, and I have mine.
  44. 5 points

    A Quote

    On what has been a terrible day and night for me, I thought I'd share a quote from Khalil Gibran's book "The Prophet", which was written in 1923. It's kind of a non-denominational, "inspirational" book about a fictional prophet-like character in ancient times who answers people's questions about various topics with proverbs and the like. Here's a quote in the chapter on Joy and Sorrow: "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the same well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." I hope that is true. Good night and thanks for reading :) -AG
  45. 5 points

    Some Thoughts, Etc.

    Just some things that have been on my mind lately: - Since mostly recovering from my latest depression, I haven't really made much progress. I still have a hard time facing each day, my sleep is erratic, and even on days when my depression isn't too bad I get bad anxiety. - I hate it when my body hurts when I'm depressed....headache, fatigue, muscle aches, etc. I've noticed this happens a lot when I oversleep as well, so there might be a connection. - I've decided to become a pescetarian...which is a diet of seafood, veggies, fruit, etc but no meat. I'm doing it mostly for ethical reasons. June 21st will be my first day. I chose that day as it is the Summer Solstice, and I used to be kind of in tune with the changing of the seasons and would like to again. - My brother and I made our flight reservations for visiting our family in Colorado. It'll be in late July. My parents, my sister, sister's husband, and all of my little nieces and nephew live fairly close to each other in southern Col. It's always a lot of fun visiting them, especially during the summer. I have an awful fear of flying...so the days leading up to the trip I'll be a nervous wreck. It's really too bad trains aren't cheaper, I've always loved to travel by train. Lots of fun. :) Thanks for reading. I hope you all are feeling well today. -AG
  46. 5 points

    Boring Update

    Hi! Its been a long while so I figured I would/should update my blog. In a kind of abbreviated format :) I took a month long break from DF from around Christmas until about the beginning of February. I've been around since then, but rarely post outside the Water Cooler/Forum Cafe. During that period of time: -Christmas was cool, just a small gathering of local friends and good food. A few gifts were exchanged, but Christmas really isn't the same as it once was for me. -My birthday was Jan 26th and, since my brother's is the 27th, we celebrated both on the same day. It was pretty fun :) -My depression was pretty bad throughout the month, and I was physically ill as well. When I saw my doctor for my routine 6 month psych meds refills/update appointment he noticed my lungs didn't sound so good and that I had a fever. Basically I had been sick for some time, and was put on meds for that, and am now finally recovered. Nothing serious. -My depression is currently not too bad. I'm going through one of my better phases. Who knows how long this one will last... Anxiety is ALWAYS an issue. Going to the store during the day can be hard for me. I don't get acute panic attacks very often these days (due to klonopin), but anxiety rears up frequently...especially social anxiety. So anyway I'm doing ok at the moment. Hopefully the next time I enter a depressive episode I won't retreat from DF like I did the last time. Thanks for reading :) -AG
  47. 5 points
    ...at least, that's what it feels like. My depression is consistently fueled by my feelings of failure. Since I graduated college three years ago, I have floundered about, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I've gone from job to job, never satisfied with anything - what I was doing, the money I was making, the people I had to deal with. Every time I felt like I'd found a new opportunity, the one that would finally get me somewhere, something ultimately screws it up. It makes me feel like I'm repeating some kind of vicious cycle. I never gave much thought about my future when I was growing up, but I always figured I would end up somewhere and be better off than my parents. I usually did well in school without much effort. College took a bit more work, but for the most part I was satisfied with my successes and I thought it would be enough. Now I can't help but think about how wrong I was. Maybe if I had worked harder, if I had been more involved, if I had done more, I wouldn't be in the situation I am today: in debt, barely making enough to live on, and no idea what kind of career I want. I bounce back and forth between blaming myself and blaming the world: if I hadn't screwed up so badly or if this country wasn't so screwed up. I think about how I deserve so much better or maybe I don't because I didn't earn it. I wonder why so many others have succeeded and yet I continue to fail, over and over again. At my age, shouldn't I have more to show for myself? I feel as though an invisible clock is ticking. If I don't figure things out soon, if I don't get into grad school (assuming I need to), then I'm never going to get anywhere or amount to anything.
  48. 5 points
    Hey Everyone! I was online on the DF and making comments to people's posts and such and it suddenly hit me how much the DF means to me, and how much all of you mean! And, I'm not just talking about those of you that post. I know there is a vast group out there that does not post. This is for you too! I want to say to all of you how much I appreciate you and how thankful I am that you are a part of my life. You are each a unique and wonderful individual. No one like you has ever existed before in all the history of the world, and there will never be anyone like you for all of eternity. That makes you fantastic and beautiful, and I am so lucky to know you and have you as my friends. I know this seems a bit sappy, but I was sitting here at the Reference Desk thinking about my life and how much better it's been since I found the DF. I have been deep in the depths of depression. I have been suicidal. I had a plan, and I was composing my note. I was having terrible anxiety attacks and I believe that between 2006 and now that I had at least two nervous breakdowns. Maybe three. When I searched the Internet and found the DF I was as down as a person could be. I was down on the bottom of the ocean with the whales***. Really. Until I joined the DF and got the support I so desperatly needed I had never gone to a Psychiatrist. I had been to therapists, but I had never been able to admit to myself that there was really something wrong with me, that I was mentally ill. Only with the help of my friends here was I able to face myself and see that I had an illness and that I needed to see a Dr about it. That really changed my life. I was over 50 when I went for help, and I realize now that I suffered terribly all my life, and caused those around me to suffer as well. This is why I try to log onto the DF every day that I can and talk to all of you. The DF helped me, even possibly saved my life, and I want to return to the members the help they gave me. I still have my ups and downs, especially with my physical pain, and my DF friends are always there for me. So, I wanted to say, Thank you very much! I'll be here for you whenever you need help and support. We are all in this together, and by helping each other we can all move forward in our journey towards wellness.
  49. 5 points

    1. You Are An Entire Country

    We seldom think about it, but we are like an entire country. Our bodies are made up of between 10 and 100 trillion individual cells. Ten trillion is equal to ten million million. That's more than the population of China. Our brain does a good job administering our realm, an amazing job really. . It keep our heart pumping, our lungs breathing, our digestive system running. And it does this for us automatically so that we can be freed up for other things. Our immune system is like the military or police force of a country. Or like a team of millions of little doctors. It protects us from the millions of bacteria and viruses that invade us each day. It's little soldiers even die to save our life. But sometimes our brain can get weighed down with too many duties. We can place unrealistic expectations on its shoulders: I should be the perfect child to my parents, the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect dating partner, the perfect husband or wife, the perfect male or perfect female, the perfect popular person,the perfect attractive person, the perfect successful person, the perfect employee or employer, even the perfect "normal" person. Each expectation we place on the back of our brains is an added load. A heavy load. Each expectation for perfection generates thousands of rules for our brains: You must do this. You should do that. You have to do this. Pretty soon our brains, in addition to running the kingdom of our bodies is burdened with living up to all sorts of abstract ideals. We compare ourselves to these ideals, even though they may be unrealistic and perfectionistic. If we fall short, we mentally beat up our brains: "You should have done this." We may be people of love and compassion, people who have no room for brutality in our value system and yet we can be merciless to our own brain and body. How can we love others as we love ourselves if we don't love ourselves? Is brutality part of our value system? No. So why are we so hard and brutal to ourselves? Why can't we get rid of unrealistic expectations that are detrimental to our health? Why can't we lower perfectionistic ideals and expectations so that our brain's do not have to carry that huge load? We are like rulers of a kingdom that brutalize our subjects and demean those who run our kingdoms. We brutalize our own brains to conform to abstract perfectionistic ideals. Eventually our brain can break down. It becomes divided between that self we are and that self we want to be. It is pulled in two directions, even torn apart by this split between our ideal self and our despised self. It is no wonder that it can break down. But even when our brain breaks down, it tries its best to keep all the most important things for our survival going: our hearts continue to beat, our lungs continue to breathe and so on. But it has trouble with our sleep, with our appetite. It can no longer give us the joy of life. And we can even beat up our brains for that mentally speaking. Why? Can we remember when we were children and couldn't wait to wake up every morning? The desire to wake up everyday for a day of play and exploration and fun. We had the joy of life. But now our brain is burdened with a milion and one cares, artificial senses of urgency, small matters that we make big and insist that our brains treat as life or death situations. Our brain is good to us. But it can get sick from stress. Even so it will continue to struggle on trying desperately to serve us. But it can need medicine to heal. It can need comfort from therapy. It can need friends. If can need us to be its friend finally. It can need a new philosophy for itself based on realistic human and personal development and no longer interjected or perfectionistic abstract ideals. Amazingly it will heal itself if we help it. It wants to heal. It is always trying to heal. It serves us even in our greatest weakness. We are rulers of a vast kingdom of cells, trillions and trillions. They depend on us and they serve us. They look to the brain for guidance and our brain looks to us for love, for support, for comfort, for compassion, for understanding. Each of us is the most important person in the world to those trillions and trillions of cells. They look to us for compassion and love.
  50. 5 points
    So I went to see the doc today to have him look at my hand, which may be broken (or worse), and while I was sitting in the waiting room, this old lady comes in and drops down in a seat ahead of me and instantly begins talking to the younger lady beside her. "This one day I saw my husband of 54 years asleep on the couch. I went to bring him something and he never woke up. We would have been married 60 years this year. I have problems with my knees and it gets worse every day, but I keep telling the doctor 'if you can't put a band-aid on it afterward, I don't want it done'. I always tell him 'I don't like having to wait in the waiting room, 'cause everybody there is sick!' But he just says 'Betty, you're absurdly healthy.' I tell you, I don't know what to make of the weather these days..." To which of course the younger lady said nothing except "Oh, I'm sorry" and "Huh, that's interesting." A few minutes later, a nurse came out to retrieve the trapped young lady and the two of them disappeared, leaving the old lady alone in the row. For a minute. Then an old guy came into the office and took a seat near her. Instantly: "I'm 81 this year. I saw a lady the other day, she's 91, and she said 'I sure didn't think I'd live this long,' and I told her 'Honey, I didn't think I'd live this long.' I tell you, my husband and I would be married 60 years this year, but I found him on the couch one day with this stuff on his fingernails, this goo, and knew something was wrong. We'd been married 54 years, and I tell you, he went just the way he would've wanted. In his sleep. Just the way he would've wanted. I don't know if I'll be that lucky, but I sure didn't expect to live this long. But I eat right. I eat right. I told the doctor last time, I've been eating right, and I feel a lot younger. I'm 81 now..." I was listening and laughing the whole time, and I was really tempted to go up and talk to her after that younger lady got taken to the back. I don't know why I didn't. I used the excuse that my appointment was already running late, and I wanted to be ready when they got to me, but obviously I was really just a chicken#$%$. I wanted to ask her what her secret was for being married for so long. I could tell she was lonely and just wanted somebody to talk to, and I already knew I was going to be feeling bad for not doing anything. Here I am, moderately healthy and somewhat young, and it would have cost me nothing to spend a few minutes listening to her. Anyway, soon the nurse came out and took me away and I went along my business. Here's the catch. When I got out of the doc's office, and the x-ray lab, I was on the way out when I saw the same old lady alone in the waiting room, putting on her coat. This time I went straight up to her: "I'm sorry, did you say you were married for 54 years? What was your secret?" She turned around and replied: "Yes, I was married for 54 years. It would be 60 this year. Here, I'm pretty much blind. Can you tell me if this is 55 cents?" And she held out a handful of change. It was. "Good, that's what it was at home." It was hilarious, and we talked all the way out to the parking lot. She told me the same stuff she told the other folks, and that she used to love running, and that she does everything herself now, and likes to cook, and she loves people, and this and that and the other. When her taxi arrived, I helped her to it and waved goodbye. I never did stop smiling. And on the way home I found two four leaf clovers growing next to each other (I never pick them, I just see them). Bless you, Betty. She never did tell me what her secret was for being married that long. (Or did she? Hmm...) Oh right. I should find out by the weekend whether my hand needs corrective surgery or not. Whatever. He didn't even prescribe me any happy time pain meds! "This pain has kept me up all night for a week!" I whined, only partially lying. Nope, no pain meds. Just anti-inflammatories. Jeez, he's good.
  • Create New...