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Had a great counselling session, probably because i did my own independent research and brought a lot of it forward. I feel like i'm finally uncovering the reasons as to why i'm so trapped. Small steps as they say. Night-time is always a better time for me so i'm just enjoying some good feelings for a while. Hope everyone else is doing okay.

I woke up sweating with nightmares from my childhood. I dreamt I was in school with my abusive teachers. I am sick of these nightmares.

Doing some writing. I feel fairly even keel right now. Only a matter of time until I get sucked back into the oblivion that I call my consciousness. Alas, salvation is always around the corner. Hoping everyone gets a good nights sleep (I know that's unlikely for most people, but a guy can dream).

When in doubt, reboot LOL!!! It is amazing how often that works :)

It is all small steps, LS. And good for you for taking them!!! You can do it, my friend, I know it!!!!!

Spent the morning at the park with my daughter, so I'm feeling groovy.

I am feeling the best I've felt (relatively speaking) since Katie told me she was engaged. I know it will be up and down for a while, but I am slowly coming to peaceful terms with it. She thanked me for the card and told me she thought it was a very nice thing to do. I feel like it was just the RIGHT thing to do. I even offered to help Travis (her fiance') move into her house when the time comes. I just want this to be a drama-free transition, and to get things off on the right foot. For my son's sake more than anything. Had a pretty good day at work, and now getting ready to meet a dear lady-friend for dinner (strictly platonic, tho I am bringing flowers - she has been dealing with quite a big steaming plate of sh!t in recent months). I hope everyone is having a good weekend...you are all a family of sorts to me, thank you for being here :-) Peace, t

Hope you are doing good Lauryn. Hugs

La la la la la la la la, Feeling Groovy... Is anyone else he old enough to remember the melody to that, or is is it just me, LOL!!!

Thank you! You're a genius - it worked! lol That's one worry solved. And I certainly don't need any more right now.

Sorry you are having to go through this RL

Have you tried turning it off and on again? I'm no IT expert, but i've found this to be my solution to most things! Hope you're getting some much needed rest now. Good job on getting through today :)

Fee like crap due to some circumstances but I'm strong and will kick the cats ass on this subject.

Thank you so much, LH!!! And I fully agree! That is most important, so I am def taking that into consideration.

I'm in the office today. I find it so hard to stay in the moment. I'm not even aware of how easily and continually my mind wanders - inexorably to the past in regret and the future in fear - two places that don't even physically exist. It is supposed to rain most of the weekend (yuck). Today, the weather is nice. I am having some moments of relative happiness in between the worry, fear and regret. I'll be thankful for them. This is healthy I'm sure even though it feels inauthentic, foreign. One thing I've learned in principle even if not always in practice: don't question the good. I know that so many here and elsewhere struggle so much with such a degree of pain. My hope for them (for everyone) today is that they might have a least a few moments of peace and perhaps even joy.

Thanks for sharing in your blog; I'm so sorry you're struggling with all this! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RiverLight))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!

Woken up by a collection agency this morning. Ugh. I can't even think about my debt until I get the current crises taken care of and get stable. I have been feeling emotionally more stable, but that took a hit this morning. Got some bad news about a friend, and have been feeling down. :(

@Steve P thank you!

I was totally torn up about gratitude on one hand most of the time I was like Standup in that gratitude was the last thing on my mind since my thinking does tend towards the angry, disappointed, point of view. But then like Gandolf, I kept hearing about gratitude, reading about it etc. For some reason things about gratitude kept popping up at me. So finally someone mentioned Robert Emmons book, Gratitude Works, and the one takeaway that I could manage, was to write only one thing that you are grateful for, or feel good about. Then write 5 reasons, why your are grateful or happy about that one thing.. Somehow, writing only one thing, and then writing about the exact reasons why that one thing made me feel a little bit happier felt a little more authentic to me. I mean some people are good at listing off a few things that they are grateful for at the end of their day. For me, it can be tough not to ruminate, so there have been days when I don't find one good thing to be grateful for. But, if I look back on journal, I have noticed that finding gratitude has gotten easier, and there are not so many gaps in my gratitude journal. I mean not all of them are deep and meaningful insights of gratitude. Sometimes I just write about how happy I was that I was able to find my favorite flavor of ice cream on sale that week. LOL But gratitude has helped me to try and believe that I am not always the bad person or negative scowl-y person that people choose to see and that I do have the ability to recognize the good and maybe even be happy about some the little things in my life.

I'm not sure how I feel. Trying to slow down and rest after the day I've had. Hunger wouldn't abate for a long time. And now, I've still got that application to finish...but I'm just kind of sitting here, blank. Things are looking up after all this scurrying around...and I've been handling things so much better, with social interactions, my emotions. No longer hopeless. Don't feel much at all. Hope my brain's OK. Hope, hope...I need to do something I enjoy. Maybe I'm too tired?

I`m feeling very anxious tonight.I feel unwell.

Sorry you are feeling like crap, but I love your outlook, and Yes U will, Natasha!!!!

sad lonely and bitter, I feel like I will die alone because of my crappy personailty I have been thinking about I ended up single all thru out four years of college and can,t attract anyone, at work to, and volunteering sending hundreds of messages on dating websites it hurts reflecting on that i have felt distant from almost everyone besides my therpist since I was a teenager never felt anyone outside the internet was my friend. Talking to people and just feeling a sense of emptiness between me and them. It feels weird im so independent its not how I wanted my life to end up. In my future all I see emptiness,i,ll end up turning into scrooge mad bitter and focused on working and money because I have nothing else to my life. I wanted to go to another therpist so I can pretend like there my friend, I pretty much just go because im lonely I even tell them that I guess i,ll go again I feel like im going to run around in circles for a few more years till I run out of insurance. then I will look back and laugh at myself for ruining my life while pointing it out to myself and others, trying to change and failing over and over with little progress.

Argh! After the insanely busy day I've had - I've literally had maybe a free hour since I woke up at 7:AM! - my stupid phone isn't working! I checked to make sure, and I still have a week before my next bill. It just says "Emergency Calls Only" and "No Service Area." Now I need to find, and visit, an AT&T store! Ugh! I'll try talking the card out in the back. Resetting it. That works on other stuff, but the back cover isn't coming off. It's a 4-year-old prepaid phone...

I agree with you and know exactly what you mean. A lot of times , I am forcing myself to feel or notice gratitud, at least partly or at first. I have, though, read enough articles about the science of the benefits of gratitude, that I'm willing to try to it in some part. Don't know if that makes sense.

Yes, stay strong!!!!!!

((((RL)))) Sorry that things are so bleak right now RiverLight. I hope everything turns out for the best, but the bottom line is your safety and emotional and mental well-being! Take care of yourself! t

Severe depression has sunken in. I fear I am going to have to break up with my boyfriend. The issues between us have become a pile and are growing. I am very despondent right now and can barely function. :/

Just submitted like 8 blog posts, lol. Maybe overboard? I am excited to have my own blog!

Well I'm still here..that's an accomplishment. I honestly came too close this time. Never want to go to that place again.

In about 4 hours I will be singing the US National anthem for a couple hundred people at a local event. I'm a Canadian so I'm nervous about messing up the words and it's high and well I'm singing in public. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek. Please wish me luck!!!!

Glad things are going pretty good for you. LH

Feeling... unmotivated. I need a shock to get moving.

Frosted mini wheats. Well trying to - my daughter keeps stealing them.

i am feeling -Lethargic. Languid. i'm always sleeping late. like 3-4 in the morning. reading or just lying in bed trying not to think of anything. feeling a bit Anxious because i have to go to a family party. i know i'm going to isolate myself plus wear a hat and not make eye contact with anyone. and i'll bring books and gadgets to distract me from the horror of being around other humans who aren't behind a tv screen. but i still get super nervous so i'll sweat a lot and end up being uncomfortable. it'll just be overstimulating. since being outside makes me go high alert. the only thing i'm looking forward to is free food i can bring home and taking a nice shower and scrubbing the sweat, bad feelings, and just the Outside in general.

...Now to just try not to over think things.. It wont be easy..

So I decided to take this sales position. I may have to cancel my psychologist appointment Monday because of it. I would really like to go though. It's nice having the words actually leave my mouth, and for another human to look me in the eyes while I'm saying it. I really enjoy this place. Before this place I have belonged to a couple other forums that I feel really close to. This week I have joined a couple poetry forums. I really hate reading some of their stuff, and some of them have flamed me already because my poetry is too dark. Maybe it is, but at least when I post it here I feel like I'm actually connecting with people. And that's a pretty big deal to me.

So tired from all the running around yesterday. Got up late, had a good breakfast. Watched CNN a bit. I'm trying to cure myself of watching the news too much. Makes me more depressed. Cleaned the house. Paid some bills. Talked to a friend of mine who is also dealing with depression. I think we both consoled each other enough so we can face the next day more positively.

Working f/t with Major Clinical Depression is challenging at times, no doubt. But it also affords me much-needed social interaction that would be quite scarce otherwise. I don't judge those who are on disability, but there's no way I could do it, even assuming I'd get approved. It would only exacerbate the depression further. Meaningful work is, for me, an antidepressant of sorts...

Thanks Brian. I think there's a possibility of abuse going on here.... at least my therapist is saying its borderline abuse, so that is staring me right in the face. Not flat out abusive, but borderline. Borderline by itself is worrisome. His behaviors are worrisome & frankly unhealthy for us, or for me. I may need to walk away. I just don't know right now.....

Thanks Skylark. The reality of the issues is sinking in further.... there are many. The fact that my therapist tells me what he does borders on abuse, well, it's got me severely depressed today at this stark reality. He also becomes very controlling, and is now freaking out about me traveling. There's just too much to deal with. :/ I feel so depressed about the fact that i may need to break up with him. I don't know if he can change or if therapy will help. I will try, but I have serious doubts right now. The issues I feel are mainly on his end & for him to work on. I am not innocent, but his are very problematic for me. I just wrote a blog post (and a few others) on the topic... the last being about what he does to me verbally, if you feel like reading it: http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blogs/entry/26330-harsh-reality/

RL, ((((hugs)))) What happened? You seemed so much better recently. If you want to talk about it. Please take care of yourself and let us know you're all right.

I hope everything went well and wish you a speedy recovery, Lauryn!

Feel less alone.

Pretty anxious..my doctor gave me a beta blocker to calm myself down. It helped a bit, but I think I might need an increase because I still feel anxious. By the way does anyone get joint pain/muscle pain from anxiety? It stinks. The weather here is in the 50's. I wish the sun was out because that really makes me feel better. .. I have a little more energy than usual , I am starting on my 3rd week of this medication , hopefully it will keep up..I have some minor side effects but I don't think they are very bothersome. Good luck to everyone....hang in there!!

I hope you don't fall into depression too! Can you possibly edit your novel too? Maybe watch some good movies? You can ask your husband to pick some up for you. Wishing you well and a speedy recovery!

Of course we have to pretend constantly. Pretend to be as functional as possible and before you know it you just might be ever so slightly functional. I keep saying this to myself and anyone willing to listen, depression plays a very nasty trick on our brains so play some clever tricks right back. Depression is not my boss, I am the master of my psyche.

Not so much "accomplished", but the curtains I ordered that actually fit the windows of my new apartment arrived, so I'm super comfy right now. Because I can take a break from the world and have some privacy I mean. Though I kind of miss work, strange as that may sound. Looking forward to Monday~

Yes! Sometimes I'm amazed at how we power through but I just don't understand how we do it. I mean we all feel depressed and to me I feel chained to depression. But I go to work and pretend, I walk around and pretend... How is it that we can hold depression when it has a tight grip on us? Bc socializing e..g work, shopping, driving.. All that should alleviate depression symptoms if temporarily, but you think that it would build. Each day, we do that more and more. Yet it doesn't change. that same depression prevents us from feeling good about ourselves and having hope and from getting out of bed. It messes our brains up neurologically - we can't sleep, it kills synaptic nerves... But we get up and we pretend. ....how????

a police scanner app.