So I've never blogged before, I've heard it can be a good outlet of ones thoughts and troubles. So here it does. Rewind to June of 2009, I just got hired by a law enforcement branch of a state government. I was seeing someone who was very toxic for me, she enjoyed drinking a lot! So as I allowed my weakness and lust to take over and drink every day heavily with this person, I started to feel changes. Changes that I'd never felt before, I felt like I was empty inside, but why? I had my dream job, the job I wanted my entire life, I was making great money but still something lacked. So June becomes August and that becomes September. My exhaustion and some other mystery thing which I thought was mini heart attacks kept getting worst, I kept drinking as that "numbed" the feelings. I'd wake up in the mornings and get sick, eat and go to work. Here's the fast free fall time. It's now October 2009, im on 24/7 stand by call out for the G20 summit in the city. I finally go see someone, as the thought of going anywhere made me sick and I had lost a lot of weight. I saw my GP, she ran some tests and said you have low vitamin D levels, let's start you on some supplements. Great, I thought to myself this will fix my issues. A few more days passed by and I was worst, I went back to my GP and she diagnosed me with have depression symptoms however I needed to see a psychiatrist as she was not versed in that area as well as a psych is. By now I had used up a good portion of my sick time, vacation time and personal days. I went into my commanding officers office and explained to him what was going on. He said "take as much time off as you need to get better, I'll put you on sick/injured leave" so now I felt that I had the ability to do what I needed to do to get better. However the toxic relationship still was going on, which was making things even more worst. I was called back into my commanding officers office the next week, we are now at December 23rd. They have some other people in his office and said they needed me to fill out paperwork, no big deal I thought. I go in, sit down and am told you are being relived of duty indefinitely. I tried to fight it but I lost, they told me they couldn't have someone with depression doing this job. Now, I, having never been through this before in my life thought, ok well this sucks but they are my superiors they clearly know what's best and know what is allowed to be done. As I was walking out the door, I was asked for my badge and weapon and then I was told to have a merry Christmas. (Yeah real merry is what I was thinking too). Tears in my eyes, I pulled my credentials from my pocket, upholstered my duty weapon and laid them into the hands of my commanding officer, with tears streaming down my face. That incident alone would be enough to set the motion for depression alone, but that night the toxic relationship ended, as she had cheated on me and was expecting the other guys baby and decided to tell me that night. So it only made me worst. I gave up trying to get better and started on a self destructive path. I refused to take my medication and I was drinking all night and sleeping all day, until one morning I had a massive panic attack and ended up in the hospital. When I was released I got home and counted I had drank 20 cans of alcohol the night before. That was it, I was done. I grabbed all the booze left in my apartment and threw it all down the trash shoot. I started taking my medication and seeing a therapist. Things were getting better, I was smiling again and enjoying the days. A few months later I moved, for a change of scenery. I got a new job, working my way up and getting promoted. Life was good again! However I was still suffering from anxiety from time to time and I was starting to have panic attacks while driving my car. With the right support I was able to really minimize the anxiety. So now it's March 2015, I was up for another promotion at work, however I didn't get it and I was told by the big boss that my position and others with the same title in the company was being eliminated across the board. Ok no big deal, I've been here before. I filed for unemployment, got my severance package and started looking for a new job. I've gone on some interviews and either I wasn't interested in the job or they weren't interested in me. No big deal, I'll find something. It's now last week. October 8th, I wake up very sick, it's bronchitis. I am prescribed z-pack for the illness and sent on my way. 3 days into the zpack I start having anxiety and a mild panic attack, I looked up its a possible side effect of it. Ok no big deal, I'll be ok in a few days. October 14th, I wake up something isn't right. I feel bad like I did back in 2009, I knew right away what the feeling was. It was that depression feeling again! So I call my doctor on October 16th and they up my dosage of my medication. It's now October 18th and I still am not feeling all that much better, however it's different this time. During the morning hours I feel so sluggish and tired like I got one hour of sleep the night before. Then after a few hours I start to snap out of it. Come dinner time (6pm) I'm feeling ok. Almost how I felt prior to getting the bronchitis. But it's short lived and by the next morning I'll feel like I was run over again. I hope this lifts, goes away and stays away. I can say those of us that suffer from this horrible disease, WE are the strong ones. We live each day with an illness that takes being strong to keep on trucking. As I sit and write this I think to myself, how long before I feel good again? How long before I find that happy place again? Hopefully not long, hopefully I wake up tomorrow and the fog and exhaustion are gone and the increased milligrams of medication kick in. I guess what is said time will tell, is going to be the best thing I can say for now. Time will tell.