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  1. 48 points
    'budfox', on 03 Jul 2010 - 23:03, said: I was going to write this post as a journal entry to myself as I'm feeling very low and panicky at the moment. However on the off-chance that it might be of benefit to some of the good, nay great, folks on DF I thought I might as well post it here. I read a lot of the posts on this forum and one very common feature of what people are going through is the fear and panic they feel at what is happening to them. Browse through the posts and you will see a lot of, 'I don't know what's happening', 'Something is not right', 'I'm losing my mind', etc. I've made similar statements in some of my previous posts on this very forum in the past. Even though I've suffered from depression for more than 10 years I am still freaking out at how bad I'm feeling right now. Surely by now I should be an expert at managing this? I have had enough experience after all. So, this is what I'm trying to tell myself (and for what it's worth I know this to be totally true, it's just that depression sometimes casts a dark fog over our thinking): For all the terrible symptoms it produces we are all suffering from the SAME basic condition. Of course depression and anxiety affect us uniquely, such is the nature of a disease of the most amazing and complex system known to man, the human brain. However, even though we probably all feel like we are going through something totally personal to us, and I don't deny that in a sense we are, essentially we're all suffering from the same underlying illness, caused by abnormal changes in our brain neurochemistry. The reason none of us can just 'snap out' of depression is that it's an absolutely real illness. Stop thinking of the symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of something that is deeply wrong with you. You're just ill. In the future they will be able to precisely elucidate the neurochemical changes that are going on within the brain. For now, they have kind of a rough idea of what's going on but not much more than that. Some days I wake up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no interest in anybody or anything. Then a day later I can wake up and feel totally normal. Nothing in my life circumstances has changed from the bad day to the good day, it just so happens that for some reason that is inexplicable to me on the first day my neurochemistry is screwed up and on the second day it is within normal ranges. So whatever weird, horrifying, disturbing symptoms you are suffering from please try to remember that you're just ill. If it was an illness of the body you would feel pain or you would have difficulty walking or impaired vision. However, because illnesses like diabetes, arthritis, etc affect organs other than the brain the symptoms they produce, while they can of course be very serious, are still more uniform and less confounding than an illness which affects the brain, an organ many many times more complex than anything else in these bodies of ours. If you feel totally down or anxious when reading this then just accept that there is little that you can do about the way you feel right now to feel instantly better, although of course things like exercise and certain fast acting medications can help greatly. But also know that your brain chemistry is in flux and you are not going to carry on feeling like this forever. There's no point trying to analyse the way you feel or trying to think the way out of your depression, anymore than it would make sense to try and think your way out of diabetes. The depression or anxiety is there, it is making you feel so bad and when it goes you will feel better. I realise that we might all have developed depression for different reasons but I doubt there is one person on this forum that can say that his or her life circumstances are absolutely unique and that the life he or she has gone through is worse than that experienced by many of the millions of people who go through terrible things but don't ever develop depression. Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take hope in the knowledge that this will get better. Many posters are also blaming themselves for something that is not in the least their fault and saying things like 'I feel like a loser', 'I don't feel worthy', etc, etc. I say to you 'Nonsense!!!' You are just ill. In fact you are more worthy than most because you're dealing with a horrible illness and still managing to keep going. Most of you deserve medals, I tell you that. You're soldiers. Yet because our society is so nasty and backwards, we are still expected to function as well as people who don't have depression at all. When I think about how I am, I mean how functional I am on a good day as compared to a bad day, the gulf between the two is massive. The bad day Bud cannot possibly hope to compete with the good day Bud. It's like trying to be in a fight with someone with one hand tied behind your back. So be realistic and don't be too hard on yourselves. When you're down then do what you can but don't expect too much. Be gentle. As for what everyone in your company or your social circle thinks, to hell with them. They're not experiencing this and you are. Human beings like to go around feeling superior to others and judgmental, especially in modern workplaces. Their lack of sympathy, empathy or understanding is a sad reflection on them, not on you. I tell you you are all wonderful people and it pains me to see you suffer. Well maybe right at the moment you can't help the suffering but you can avoid compounding it. Let's support each other through this and take the view that we are in it together. Know that if you post here you'll get a reply, so however incapable of understanding people in your lives might be, you'll always have this forum to come to. I don't know about you but I at least find great solace in that. Thanks for listening. B
  2. 43 points
    GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    What we do matters. They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself. How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
  3. 22 points
    MaepleSyrup

    To everyone with depression.

    I just wanted to take a moment and tell you all that I am so proud of you for waking up to another day. I know it may be hard and I know you all are struggling, but what matters most is that you survived another difficult day- know why? Because you are strong. You have managed to fight those depressive thoughts and managed to wake up to another morning. I want us all to be proud of each other for still being here and not giving in to our suicidal thoughts. You all deserve better days and better lives, but don't forget how strong you are for facing your own battle. Sometimes, it may seem like you are waking up to the same morning or same day, but just try to believe in that one special day where everything changes. It's almost like war- there's almost no way to determine when the battle will end, but there will always be an ending. That day will come. Just keep it in mind. I wish you all the best day/night, and again: I'm so proud to see all of you who make it past each and every night. Every day you wake up to is another yesterday succeeded! Keep your heads up! You got this 🙂
  4. 18 points
    If you’re feeling suicidal, please read this. I originally wrote this for World Suicide Prevention Day. It is aimed towards someone who may be considering taking steps towards ending their own lives. If this is you please read on and I hope that you can find something in these words that makes you see that your life is precious. I may not know you personally but if I could I would reach out and hug you first and foremost. You may feel alone in this world and like there is no point in carrying on but this is simply not true. While I don’t know you, the fact that you are struggling and feeling like this is the only option shows me that you are a person who can feel things so deeply and I believe that whatever you may have done there is at least one person who does care deeply for you. If you can not think of one then let me tell you that I care about you. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this. If you are still reading then thank you for not turning and running . That shows that within you there is strength to confront what you are feeling and also hope that maybe there is something else you can do to avoid this, what to you may feel like is the only, course of action. You are doing so well just reading this and trying to see if there is something you can do and I hope you can hold on to this however tiny it may seem. Thank you for still reading. I’m now going to offer you some things you may like to do before you go any further. You don’t have to do them but I hope there is one thing here that may help you. Here they are: Call, text or email someone, explaining how you feel, if you can. This could be a friend, relative, medical professional or a charity helpline. The Samaritans offer non-judgmental advice 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Take a bath or shower and try to relax for an hour. In this time try to think about yourself and treat yourself with respect. Write one thing that you can do. It may be that you can take some lovely photographs, it may be that you make a brilliant meal or it might be that you always make yourself available to others. There is, I’m sure, one thing that you can do. Do that one thing that you can do. Go for a walk if you feel that you can do so while still remaining safe, If possible make sure that someone knows where you will be going and how long you plan to be. This gives you a chance to roam in mind as well as body but still keep in mind that people are waiting and wanting you. Draw, write or do something creative. Don’t worry about how it turns out. Exercise. Maybe lift weights or run. Sleep. I hope there is something there you can do. I hope upon hope that the first option is the one you choose. I believe that other people are our biggest weapon in fighting the thoughts that are currently pushing you to your limits. You still reading? Great. You’re doing really well to keep going and I’m proud of you. Truly proud of you. I know how hard it is to get this low but you’re still with me and that is a massive positive. I hope the intensity of your suicidal feelings is subsiding slightly or you have managed to find something to hold on for until you can get the support you deserve, and yes you do deserve it no matter what your brain is telling you. You are on this planet and that makes you special. There is probably someone, you may not know who, but someone who loves you and is glad you are alive. I’m glad you are alive as I know you have huge potential if you have made it this far, think about it you’ve read all this written by me; that is an accomplishment. I’m going to leave you now. I hope you make the decision to live. I know it is a big decision to make and may seem scary but I believe that it is the best decision you can make as it holds so much opportunity for the future. Please get help and if you feel that you are at immediate risk of hurting yourself then I ask you to go to Accident and Emergency so that you can be kept safe. You deserve to be safe and happy. Thank you for reading and know that I am thinking of you and hoping you can see the good in you that others can. One last hug. *hugs* -Lindsay
  5. 17 points
    budfox

    Happy New Year Everyone!

    You can take the 'Happy' in the subject header as sincere or ironic, depending on what mood you're in. I know perfectly well that for many of us on this site, it's not a happy New Year at all. But we're all still alive and fighting and where there's life there's hope. I mean that. Love you all and am looking forward to speaking with you in 2016.
  6. 15 points
    If you're new to our community, taking the step for the first time to post publicly to a message board can sometimes seem intimidating. Don't be afraid to jump into a discussion once you have registered with us. We have a very supportive community that serves up heavy doses of support, encouragement and enthusiasm. We love meeting new people and being friendly. While we hope that you'll become an active participant and join in our discussions, you're welcome, of course, to simply hang out silently until you feel more comfortable posting a message. This Welcome Topic is for a short Introduction to our members/community. It is not intended to tell your story or to journal/Blog. That is saved for the other forums or for your Blog in your Settings after five posts, here at the DF which you may create. ***As a new member, you will have the ability to post two active topics in each Forum. You may reply to as many as you wish. Click on "New Topic" or you may "Reply" to an ongoing post. You will get the hang of it if you have never posted in a forum before. If you find it necessary to post about a topic that HAS NOT been covered and you have reached your two Topic limit for that particular forum, you will find a SPECIAL NEW MEMBER POSTING AREA on page one in every room. Please feel free to post there if no other topic covers your area of concern. *An active topic is defined as a topic that is on the front page of our busier forums or a topic that has received replies in the last 48 hours in our quiter forums. If you are in major crisis you may post your topic in Members Needing Extra Support Now (Members Needing Extra Support Now) ~Lindsay, Forum Super Administrator
  7. 15 points
    sober4life

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    The next couple of months will be the most important months in my life so far. If I can do well during these next couple of months my life should turn around dramatically. It's going to be so stressful though. I have to be strong though. I've come too far to stop now.
  8. 15 points
    On my first try ...I did it It just happened I got it....no more rescheduling times to take the road test...its done and finished .... I had the coolest instructor ....I ran over a cone and he let it slide ...man I feel blessed this year, despite my complaining , is really looking up for me :) I'm so happy. After a year of planning....I get my license on my first attempt.
  9. 15 points
    BlackEyedDog

    GOOD BYE.

    I’m so sorry for making you all worry. I just want to let you all know that I am doing fine. In the end, I didn’t think anyone would care if I died, but you all proved me wrong with your kind words and with that I thank you. Please know that I am truly sorry if I caused any pain as that wasn’t my intent. With that being said I love every one of you and hope you all have a wonderful day. Take care.
  10. 15 points
    duck

    The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

    Thanks for all the hugs. I am still feeling depressed. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just want to be at peace.
  11. 14 points
    JD4010

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    I'm doing better than I was yesterday. Five hours of sleep definitely helped. I'm training myself to think of my cats when I start getting down at work. I need to be there for them. They were abandoned when they were 8 years old. Now they depend on me. And I depend on them to make me laugh. 🙂
  12. 14 points
    Nightjar

    Goodnight thread

    For those of us with noone to say goodnight to I thought it would be nice to have a good night thread. I realise we are in many different time zones here but I'm hoping there might be some of us in sync with our bedtimes.. It's comforting to have a goodnight isn't it? 🌷
  13. 14 points
    So, as y'all know, I went back to work last Thursday. I'm a journalist, and among the regular news stories/ enterprise stories/ etc., we are responsible for one op-ed each week. I struggled with what I should write about as it is supposed to be something personal to us. Having been gone for three months, I figured I should let the readers know I am back and why I was gone. So, after some thought, I wrote my op-ed on my struggle with panic disorder and why that caused a three-month hiatus from being in the newsroom. I was a little afraid my boss/ coworkers/ readers would respond negatively.. but I've received a lot of positive feedback. In fact, many have written to me, as well as letters to the editor (which get published) about how appreciative they are I shared my story, how they relate to it, and how they are glad I am helping improve awareness of mental health issues. It made my heart happy.
  14. 14 points
    Citalo13

    The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Grateful. International Women's Day has made me want to be thankful to all the women who have bee patient, loving and understanding toward me and particularly my mental illness. Thank you to all the girls who have kept me alive this far
  15. 14 points
    I feel very sad. My only close friend, my one-time soulmate, my spiritual twin, the only person I wanted to be with, is leaving for good. She left me emotionally long ago, but now I'll never see her again. I am alone. There are no happy endings in this life. There must be something better beyond this physical world, which I think sucks. Actually I know there is; I've seen it. I've been to the beautiful void when I temporarily left this world, but I couldn't stay. I will spend the rest of my life seeking it. Thanks to a friend I met on this forum, I now think I am not depressed. I am in the dark night of the soul. Dark it is indeed.
  16. 14 points
    Lady Mozzer

    What's Your "one Question?"

    Will it be ok someday?
  17. 14 points
    Thanks to all for the support and kind words. Christmas is a very hard time for me. My oldest daughter passed away on Christmas in 1979. You never really get over a loss of that magnitude and sometimes if just overwhelms me. I feel better now but will be even better when the holidays are over and I don't have to fake happiness for the sake of others.
  18. 14 points
    Orso

    The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

    strangely OK - I am not going to question it, just enjoy it (I wish things were better for everyone here, though)
  19. 13 points
    sober4life

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    I'm winning. My life is finally coming together. All the hard work I've put in is about to finally pay off!
  20. 13 points
    Ratvan

    Meet Percy - My Latest Rescue

    Morning All So last night I picked up Percy, he is a male Black Persian Cat. He has had several issues with his urinary tract and as a result he cannot be insured (pre-existing medical condition) hence the reason he was surrendered to the shelter. He has had some operations and is on medicated food for life to stop the issue reoccurring again. However the shelter that I got him from will assist with medical expenses if I am struggling Percy or as he is quickly becoming known to me "MR. Fancypants" is an older gent, 8 years old so he is not super active which is fantastic for me, he is however an extremely curious soul. I've not taken many photo's of him yet, only the one below from this morning as I decided that I wanted to let him settle in last night and not stress him out. He is litter box trained, last night I checked up on him every now and again and saw him sat watching the fish and Axolotl's. He slept last night in front of my windowsill tank (probably because it's the warmest) and managed to get a lovely sleepy picture this morning before giving him breakfast. I am at work at the moment but will be popping home on my lunch break to feed him again and see how he is settling in, i'm going to give it until teh weekend before i start looking for toys for him (cat tree's, barrels, climbing stuff etc) Look at the sleepy floof
  21. 13 points
    I'm not feeling as bad as yesterday. Today I feel tired, energized, sleepy and wide awake at the same time. Hard to put into words. I want send well wishes to everyone here, and hugs ! ! !
  22. 13 points
    thank you...all of you. helping me feelimg better. thats hard to do.
  23. 13 points
    Awesome. Life is a joke, and I'm not laughing. - KS
  24. 13 points
    I've read a lot of things online that are just insulting, and caused depression in me. I am currently employed, but not making much and living at home. People often say that you can create your own luck, if you work hard enough you'll get there, ect. The really frustrating part is when people are so quick to label people as being lazy if they are unemployed. Here's the thing: Some people don't believe in luck, but I think there is a fault to that. We don't get to choose what our passions or aptitudes are. I do believe some people are lucky in the sense that they are blessed with a prosperous passion. If you are passionate about law, medicine, computer science, or engineering, then you have a huge advantage over the people who's passion/aptitude lies in painting or playing the flute. The painter could work just as hard as the aspiring doctor, but the former has very little chance of having a lucrative career. I think a lot of the people who are "blessed with prosperous passions" take that for granted and forget that not everyone has that luxury. And seriously, I am so frustrated (and sometimes get depressed) at all the people calling us lazy because we are either out of a job or not making a good living. Sure, there are some lazy people out there. But what about the people who are working 16 hours a day just to get by? How insulting and insensitive can people be?
  25. 13 points
    tami83

    What's Your "one Question?"

    Will I ever learn to love myself?
  26. 13 points
    Lonely, but... determined to keep going in life. I am determined to attach my pride and self-respect to effort, not outcomes. My efforts at work, with friends, writing and self-improvement (spirituality). This may indeed be the life I will live until I die, but at least will have given it my shot - kept trying to enrich my existence and believe in myself. Best and hugs to all of you!!!
  27. 13 points
    Does anyone else have a hard time watching mentally ill people pay their consequences for actions they probably wouldn't have taken had they been in a right state of mind? There's a resident where I work who just found out she has a warrant for her arrest. She's clearly not competent to explain herself to a judge. Her thoughts are all over the map and she is on a lot of medication, yet she's expected to show up and defend herself. What she did indicates her state enough that you'd think they'd just let her be. She also has a drug history which will no doubt work against her in the courtroom. A history she probably developed because she was trying to self medicate. Anyway, she used a grocery cart from a local store to transport her food. Her intentions were to take it back but she went into her house to rest, took her medication, and fell asleep. The police retrieved the cart. She didn't show up for court and now there's a warrant. I know everyone is responsible for their actions, but dang, the woman can't drive, is poverty stricken, and mentally ill living in a nursing home. Has our society reached a point where they just can't look at this situation and say this is a non-violent person who's obviously ill, how about we cut her a break? Ok, rant over. I just wish there was a way to advocate for people like this.
  28. 13 points
    Shiloh got out the other night after a rabbit... At 3am I heard him howl and noticed the light by the front door was on. Luckily he was just over by my neighbors tree line so I was able to get him without a problem. Here's a picture I snapped after he went upstairs with me. He was tired!
  29. 13 points
    Prayers please, Dad in the hospital in Louisville and have had panic attacks for the last few days straight, can't eat or anything. Shaking, crying, etc. Just horrible
  30. 13 points
    Feeling quite lonely all of a sudden. Not sure who I can reach out to, so I made an account on these forums. Hopefully it helps :)
  31. 13 points
    im blissfully happy I feel warm and relaxed from my mediation session
  32. 13 points
    I know that the holiday season is tough for many, but today I wanted to give thanks to all those that make up this community. You are a great group of people. Hope you all have a great day!
  33. 12 points
    evalynn

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    Etta is out of surgery! She is resting and recovering right now. Hopefully we can take her home in a couple days. 🙂
  34. 12 points
    JD4010

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    Better than yesterday. I didn't get much sleep last night but I have adequate energy today. I gave myself a stern talking to last night about dwelling on the past. I hope I listened.
  35. 12 points
    Doing well. My difficult co-worker has the day off. It's so peaceful.
  36. 12 points
    MaepleSyrup

    Valentines Day

    I wanted to tell you all Happy Valentine's Day. I know some of us (including myself) are single or you may not have someone to wish you a good holiday. So I'd like to tell you all Happy Valentine's Day and you are all amazing for being here and helping each other. I'm also glad for those to have reached out to this wonderful forum 🙂 I wish you all a grand day!
  37. 12 points
    Thought I would reintroduce this topic because it was so successful the first time round. The first thread developed by a highly creative member, stirred so much interest, and became a safe venue for members to contribute their feelings through artistic expression. Rather that be writing poetry, songs, drawing and paintings, or just thoughts and feelings. So many beautiful things were shared in the first thread. So much talent. Shall we try again? My first contribution on this thread: Hope: Lately my dreams are about being lost, never finding a way out of the thick, never finding a way out from me. Round and round in circles I go, the path has no end or no beginning. My compass is frozen no lighthouse to show me the way. Stuck in a quagmire of mud, I can't move, if I don't I will be enveloped. Who will throw me a lifeline, something to hold onto to pull my self out? I tried to keep my self from sinking into this quick sand, but with no success, beginning to accept my fate. Suddenly a stranger came from nowhere throwing me a rope. I grabbed onto it and he pulled me to solid ground. The stranger, apparently a hunter led me out of the thick to a clearing. I thanked him profusely for saving my life. He said he was drawn to the spot where I was, following his instincts successfully, most likely with God's intervention. He assured me I was safe now and asked if I could find my way home. I said yes and thank you again, Knowing with hope and believing a miracle is around the corner, A dream or not, I learned never to lose hope. Because without hope there is literally nothing but surrender.
  38. 12 points
    I feel okay .....the sun is out and I went for a walk for 10 minutes......not a big deal to most, but to me is a huge accomplishment because normally I barely do anything....
  39. 12 points
    JD4010

    let's talk about pets!

    Here's a better shot of them.
  40. 12 points
    for me it was coloring with my daughter
  41. 12 points
    Feeling okay actually, I think my meds are working now.
  42. 12 points
    My back hurts and I'm miserable and I don't feel like going to work and playing happy cashier boy for people who can just barely be bothered to acknowledge my existence. I guess I should be grateful it's a five and a half hour shift and not an eight hour shift, but five and a half hours is still so painfully long. Stuck somewhere I don't want to be and in literal pain from my fat rickety body. Blech. Working blows and not-working also blows. What a grand adventure this life is.
  43. 12 points
    LonelyHiker

    Bad News / Good News!

    Bad News - My stupid xmas tree is STILL up Good News - I'm taking it down tomorrow and going to give the whole apartment a Lysol enema lol
  44. 12 points
    I've been sleeping more than I've been awake. Feels so dead inside, like even this amount of interaction is forced. Wonder if anyone will remember that today is my birthday. Not that birthdays are a big deal, it just makes me feel lonely if no one remembers. But that's okay, I'm bad at remembering them too.
  45. 12 points
    i feel fantastic today. i am one step closer to realizing a dream i have...one more step towards something i am passionate about. and! i think i might have a friend now! A FRIEND!!!!!!!! ME!!!!!!!
  46. 12 points
    Epictetus

    What Really Bugs You (7)

    It bugs me that even the best intentioned people in my life do not really understand serious depression unless they've suffered it themselves. Even if they are full of good will and empathy, they cannot really "understand" and be truly sympathetic. How can you imagine something so painful, so agonizing that a person suffering it would prefer destruction to the pain? Analogies fail to communicate the reality of it. Can you imagine being on fire on the top floor of a skyscraper and wanting to jump rather than burn alive? And after having been severely burned in a fire, can you imagine how afraid of fire you would be for the rest of your life? You can show people brain imagining studies: Look what depression does to the brain, the regional loss of mass, volume, density as seen in gross anatomy and down to the microscopic level in dendrites and glial cells. While people have some understanding of how cruel it would be to tell a paralyzed person: "Just get up" "You're not trying hard enough, you're lazy." "You are not as debilitated as you are pretending to be." "You are deceiving yourself and others." "You could get out of bed if you really wanted to." "Its really your fault that you are paralyzed." Such statements are cruel beyond reckoning. Such things are rarely spoken to the paralyzed. But they are said to depressed people many times. In a way, the only person who can understand a depressed person is another depressed person. Even a medical professional cannot really understand if he or she has not suffered it himself or herself.
  47. 12 points
    Here's my boyfriend and I at the show ?
  48. 12 points
    Hugs to all of you hurting today. Seem to be too many to single out - must be the weather or something Hmmm? I am thinking good thoughts for you all! As for me, just meh, today. Not horrible. Dark, cold and windy here. I shouldn't let the weather bother me but sometimes I can't help it.
  49. 12 points
    I am feeling terrible. So lonely I cant bear it anymore.
  50. 12 points
    So I woke up this morning with both cats on top of me. I thought, "gee, this is really nice. I'm in my own place, hanging out with two great kitties. I don't have it too bad at all". Howz that for a start to the day!
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