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Showing content with the highest reputation on 09/24/2015 in all areas

  1. 9 points
    (((Massive hugs to everyone who needs them))) I'm feeling mildly/moderately depressed, though certainly not as low as I could feel (thankfully!) I still haven't heard squat from my employer-to-be (lol), but I really don't think that is triggering any of the down/blah feelings. I had a good T appointment yesterday followed by a pdoc appointment. I'm off of the Klonopin, which I didn't care for, and taking Ativan/Lorazepam now. I am likely going to be put on a low dose of Abilify at my next appointment, but thankfully pdoc is keeping me on Zoloft/sertraline. Searching for motivation. I think it's hiding under the couch or something.
  2. 8 points
    blarg. feeling so avoidant and just sleepy. yesterday was relatively good after the morning, today just feeling really apathetic and like i don't care about anything. it's like every day is just me making myself go through the motions of doing stuff i'm supposed to do, and not getting that much done. i feel like i'm always behind. just tired of thinking about it. sometimes i wonder if i'm really going to ever be able to improve my life. it's like it takes all the get-up-and-go that i have in me just to barely do something that's not quite the minimum requirement. i wish there were some kind of pills that would make you care about your life, lol. like genuinely care about doing the stuff you have to be doing.
  3. 7 points
    I have another headache this morning. We probably have low barometric pressure. I should go to my exercise class this morning--I exercised on my own on Tuesday--but I feel so resistant. If I suit up and show up, at least I will have done that. I look at all I have to do for the course I'm taking--and it's not graded, but this group that I'm with acts like it is and I suppose I can treat it that way too. Because of Yom Kippur, I missed a live Q & A with our instructor--it'll be available later to review, but I hate missing things like that. Today, I wish for impossible things: cool, dry air and some cloud cover, but not too much. I also wish for possible things: healing for all of us here. Yes, that is possible. Els1e, you said you know that having an open mind about options is good for you. That really resonated with me. So for both of us, and all of us, I hope our minds open to the possibilities of healing. One more thing. In services yesterday, we did a remembrance service to honor those who have passed away recently or just people we want to remember. And we used a new book for the service...and for the first time that I have ever seen in Jewish liturgy, there was a prayer for people whose parents or caregivers had abused them. It brought tears to my eyes. Lots of people were sniffling and reaching for tissues. It was a powerful moment for me, to realize that Judaism had really moved beyond the blind "honor thy father and mother." I am grateful for the healing power that resides within each of us.
  4. 7 points
    Right now I am feeling a little more hopeful? Not sure why, but I won't question it! Yesterday I was really down in the dumps. I joined chat last night for the first time and met some other members I hadn't encountered before which was a lot of fun! This truly is the best forum... I just love everyone here. :icon12:
  5. 7 points
    Stressed out and having an anxiety attack. I should be leaving for work but I keep putting off heading out. I don't want to go to work, I would rather go back to bed. I got to go now though or I am going to be late, sigh.
  6. 7 points
    ^ Sounded wonderful Dolphin :) Exhausted. Not sleeping. Saw my GP. She said she can't write ADHD med scripts, as I'm not still under the supervision of a shrink. I'm pretty sure that's not the rule but I didn't arg... Wait, I looked it up online, that is the rule (sort of, close enough). ****. She referred me to a PD-specialist shrink *sigh* *sigh* *groan*. I agreed to it. Why? Why did I do that? I don't want to go back to therapy. Please don't make me . I had 24 years of ineffective therapy. I'm sure I have some kind of post-therapy aversion syndrome *whimper*. I know it's the sensible thing to do. And I have to start being open minded about treatment again (hope is important &...I have no choice) & stop with all the negativity, but... I'm feeling exactly like this right now:
  7. 7 points
    Been at services for Yom Kippur last night and all day today. I love the people in this congregation and I like especially to sit and listen to them talk. I used to kind of grind my gears at not being one of the people invited to do stuff (well not strictly true, I sing from time to time with the musicians, when asked). There are lots of people there who do stuff together outside synagogue activities and I sort of wish I were one of them. But it's not making me too unhappy. I went to dinner to break the fast with people and listened and chatted. It was fun. I also brought home a piece of chocolate cake to share with my husband and we watched the ballgame on tv and the Royals won in extra innings. As I understand it, the Blue Jays trounced the Yankees, so Brian...there you go! It's nice to be with people even if I'm not at the center of everything. Today it was okay to be where I was doing what I was doing. Wish life could always be like that.
  8. 7 points
    Oh my god... I was walking my dog around outside earlier tonight and I could barely restrain him. He was freaking out everywhere we walked; because, there were about a hundred stray cats all over the place. It was like something out of a nightmare. My dog was so worked up by the experience, that he started having nightmares about cats tonight. Now I have a dog with PTSD, great...
  9. 7 points
    I actually feel.....okay. I'm going to a job retraining program sponsored by the State of New York. Two weeks of career counseling and evaluations. A week of psychological testing <== For my Dyslexia. Then they either find you a job or send you back to school. All for free. I finally caught a break.
  10. 7 points
    I don't know either.
  11. 7 points
  12. 7 points

    The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread

    Tired. Always tired! I could probably sleep my entire life away if I didn't have any responsibilities. Also worried about money which is pointless.
  13. 6 points
    It is my fourth day of "vacation" and have not the slightest shred of a plan...still, considering I usually feel the worst in the morning, not doing too bad at the moment. Just trying to find the motivation to do SOMETHING :/ Hope everyone else is finding a bit of peace today. Tim
  14. 6 points
    THIS! Very anxious this morning. My psy appt. is in less than three hrs.
  15. 6 points
    Trapped and hopeless. Don't see any relief in sight. All I see is many years of continual suffering. How easily happiness washes away. I always hear people say that religion is comfort - to think there is an afterlife where all your suffering is worth it. As a depressed Catholic, it's torture. I don't see myself as a good person who's worthy of Heaven. The idea of dying and then...nothingness...is much more appealing to me. Peace at last.
  16. 6 points
    Patience was not my virtue today. The President of China is in town, thus they close the freeways for his motorcades causing miles of back ups. I had a doctor's appointment today and miraculously made it on time after driving detours I knew may not be crowded. the back roads. What really depresses me is the lack of infrastructure as opposed to the massive amount of building everywhere in the city. They said today there are plans constructing the highest skyscraper on the West Coast, 101 floors. All you see around the city and neighborhoods are cranes and construction. Feel like living in a house with none of the city stuff. A nice old house I can fix up with lots of gingerbread and a big wooden porch. And a swinging bench on the porch where I can relax, drink Ice Tea, and enjoy the peace and quiet. Maybe some day. The city is driving me even more crazy.
  17. 6 points
    ^ lol yeah me neither.
  18. 6 points

    The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread

    I really wish I could move through emotions quicker. I am just now starting to feel better from the weekend. I wasted five days. On a brighter note, today I celebrate thirteen years of sobriety. I just watched Cinderella and loved it. Ha.
  19. 5 points
    Congratulations renee! Well done :)
  20. 5 points
    It's strange, I'm choosing to sit here listening to music that makes me sad and remember the past. While I could snap out of it and go do something productive I'd rather keep thinking back and feeling the pain for a little while longer. I can't even explain why, I just need to.
  21. 5 points
    Knowing the Pope is up the street and wanting to scream in his face for the way my life is.
  22. 5 points
    I'm so glad I found this forum. I was feeling desperate last night and didn't know what to do. I wrote about my feelings today. I've never really talked of these emotions before. thank you for giving me the space to share. it's a breather. MY POUTY POSSE I know Sadness. I know Sadness quite well, actually. Same goes for her pals, Despair, Anxiety & Self-doubt. They’re not exactly great company, but I’ve learned to embrace them as part of my Pouty Posse. You see, my Posse and I go way back. We’ve gone through A LOT together. We’ve crossed oceans and State lines; mourned lost friendships and nursed broken hearts. Heck, we even learned to tango and salsa, and we karaoke’d our hearts out together. No one really knows this, but I grew up with that crazy bunch. They’re my peeps. Sure, I tried to tell a few friends about Sadness and her relentless crew. But guess what? After a few tries, the response became almost predictable: a laugh, a sigh, a glaring look, an offer of prayer or some other random manifestation of DENIAL & DISBELIEF. “No way,” one friend said. “No way can someone like you feel any of that!” Apparently, I’m too “funny” and “smart” to kick back and spend time with Self-doubt or Despair. I was also told that people who laugh and crack jokes like I do CANNOT possibly associate with Sadness. Every unsolicited advice or insight was always more far-fetched than the last: “You’re just bored, stressed or sleep-deprived.” “Just stop eating junk food and try to lose some weight.” “Go find yourself a man, and get laid.” “Snap out of it already. It’s all in your head!” Pretty soon, I felt like a stack of bricks in a game of PopPsych Jengga: picked apart, fragile and nearly a brick away from that dreaded *CRASSSSSHHHHHH*. As with most children’s games, I grew tired of this Jengga. Game over. Enough. I decided I’d be better off keeping the Posse a secret. Oh, yeah…I did try to get rid of the Posse. I tried many times, in fact. But anyone who’s ever interacted with a Pouty crew can attest to this: it’s easier to learn to live with those troublemakers than it is to shoo them out of your life. So, I kept them around — hidden from public view. For the most part, Despair and her friends have been more of an annoyance than a real burden. Believe it or not, there are even days that I’m even grateful they’re around — they help me see and find joy in some of the most mundane things. For the most part, my Pouty Posse has been reasonably easy to manage. But sometimes, depending on the day or time of month, the whole crew throws these random fits and before you know it, we’re facing off, mano y mano. It took many years, and lots of patience (and tears!), but I eventually learned to deflect and counter-attack every jab and hook thrown my way. I will admit, some of those fights got pretty rough — BUT bruises aside, they still always felt more like friendly matches or backyard fights. LAST NIGHT WAS DIFFERENT. Something was off. The Pouty Posse had a different vibe. I felt real fear as I watched an unfamiliar shape make its way to join the crew. I felt real fear as I saw Self-doubt give up her spot, turn to the newbie and say: “My work here is done. Now go ahead and finish the job!” I felt real fear in the presence of the faceless and hollow… I felt real fear when I heard its name. Last night, I met Worthlessness. Last night, the fight became real. (to be continued...) PM member for link to blog - neurotic_lady89/Christina
  23. 5 points
    Tired. I see my therapist today so I'm looking forward to that. I just have to get through work first though. Hoping to hear back from the job I applied to. It'd be nice to work during the day.
  24. 5 points
    This is going to sound really dramatic but I'm over my friends. They have done absolutely nothing for me the past 6 years when I needed them the most and now that I'm getting better I feel like I no longer care if they call me at all. I have my son, husband, and some family...those are the people that matter. And if I make new friends along the way that's great, if not oh well. I'm over how selfish they are. When they need me I may or may not answer the phone like they did to me all these years because they were so "busy". Give me a break. Nobody is that busy, I just wasn't a priority. They only call when they need to vent and I always listened. It's BS. I have a magnet on my fridge that says: "if your presence doesn't add any value to my life, then your abscence won't make a difference either". Words to live by I say.
  25. 5 points
    I haven't actively solicited a social life for 1-2 months while getting over the worst of my depression and anxiety (though I accepted invites to things). Now that I'm feeling better, I feel lonely, and see my friends doing things without me. I've always felt like I have to try harder than other people to maintain a friendship. If I don't organize something, they won't reach out to me unless it's a big group thing. I hate this.
  26. 5 points
    Congrats, Renee!! Big accomplishment!! ! I'm very frustrated right now. I wish my boss wouldn't ignore me and all the messages I leave on Skype. Even when I leave good news, she doesn't respond. It's so demotivating. I'm quitting early again.
  27. 4 points

    No Such Thing As Friends

    A lot of people round where I live are horrible. It doesn't matter how much i suffer they just don't give a . They see suffering and just prey on it or aren't bothered. they're like monsters or robots with no empathy or conscience. Someone i knew locally was just using me as a customer. its ok to want customers but i was dumb enough to think we were friends. Stupid to think i can have friends on this planet. its all about greed and selfishness. they leave me cold. sometimes i think if i suffer enough i might get some goodness out of them.but its like trying to get blood out of a stone. I've got to stop kidding myself that they aren't selfish Barstewards. Unfortunately hope doesn't go away easily. i hate hope. its the cruellest thing. i don't know why people think hope is good. i suffer so much that sometimes i can't bring myself to look at their cold or sadistic faces.i don't want the image of their harshness repeating in my mind over and over as i suffer. Some of the people round here are backstabbers and i can feel their fakeness. i will just have to distance myself as much from them as possible. i would want to be round them if they weren't so heartless.but they are what they are. i can't change them. i just have to find ways to get by living on this planet until i die.
  28. 4 points
    Identity crisis comes to a head. Suddenly I get the feeling of needing to fix that empty hole in my heart. ... Yep, I dyed my hair, folks. This was a more arduous process than I expected, but it's kept me occupied for a good portion of the day. Now I should feel more confident! Ready to face the... "world" would be the cliche to put here, but "myself' fits better, though I'm not facing myself myself, I was just distracting myself with a leisure activity and riding on the high of the thrill. In fact this would probably be considering 'running away from myself,' if anything. I feel good at the moment (and maybe could've achieved this same feeling by doing something like taking a long walk outdoors).
  29. 4 points
    Feeling a little better. I found 2 awesome things I've been searching for to watch on the internets so that makes me happy. But now I don't know which to watch first. Having obscure interests sucks sometimes but it makes it all that much sweeter when I do find things I'm looking for. I'm still feeling a bit low though. I haven't gotten any phone calls from work so my stress is lessening a little.
  30. 4 points
    Scared. I just revealed myself more on here and am afraid of judgements and what others will think of me.
  31. 4 points
    In 1900 there were 1.5 billion people on this planet. By my calculations, that means at least 1.4 billion knuckleheads. Now we have 7 billion, which means we are living on this tiny orb with roughly 6.5 billion exemplars of the tragedy that is lobotomy. Global warming notwithstanding, what have we done?
  32. 4 points
    I could peel the smile off a pygmy marmot! The ducking dickiot boss just chewed me out for cutting and pasting something he wrote and putting it into a DRAFT Email I sent to him to review because what he wrote wasn't suitable to be sent out externally. He even brought up my medical issues, as in, if this is a fatigue thing we can work something out - then he lapsed into his condescending, patronizing set piece, "you did such a good job on that article you wrote..." like my performance that time was as miraculous as the time Moses did all that water work. The fact is, his list looked good on a cursory scan, and if it wasn't correct, he should have marked it DRAFT. The guy is a nut. So, by his protocols, if he sends me a five hundred page report to put on our website I have to read the entire thing before putting it up? Good to know. And it's not like I sent it out, I sent it to him and others in here to review. You know, it's real simple: If you've arranged something in an official looking list that I know you've been working on for weeks, you might want to include a note that says DRAFT or "list needs to be fixed up", or something in your communication. Just saying, HassDat. B
  33. 4 points
    I'm back from the psy doc. I was shaking before and during my appt. and tired and relieved when it was over. He prescribed Wellbutrin, the lowest dosage for now and I'm going to go with that. Hopefully it'll work. I really wanted the supplements to work, oh well. The prescription will be cheaper anyway. Now that I've met him, and have seen how nice he is, I hope I won't be so nervous next time. Whew, glad that is over with...six weeks of being nervous over one appt. GAH!
  34. 4 points
    I'm thinking it's time for me to consider getting off of the night shift. Aside from my natural inclination to isolate and sleep, nights just makes it that much harder. I spend my first day off feeling like I have a hang over from lack of sleep and then just get caught up and it's time to go back to work which means I have to force myself to sleep that day, too. I'm just so reluctant to make any more changes in my life right now. So much has happened and I've felt the need to have some routine, but I may be ready. I'm tired of missing out on so much that happens during the day. I'm sure the cave I've created here, so I can sleep during the day, isn't good for me. I should probably take vitamin D.
  35. 4 points
    Meh. Not too bad. We are having July weather in late September...and being part polar bear, I'm not enjoying the heat. They say the Greenland ice sheet is melting quickly; maybe I ought to get over there and stake out my claim on newly uncovered land.
  36. 4 points
    Relax. Glad I have a day off :)
  37. 4 points

    The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread

    well that sucks if your boss doesn't respond, but if your boss continually doesn't respond, this may mean that she is not looking at skype, or that this is not the preferred means of communication. instead of using skype, maybe use email to send messages. it's less immediate, see if this improves the response time. either way, if you're emailing, then there is less of an expectation for you that you are "waiting" for a response than there would be on skype. yeah some people are not that good at communication but there's no point in constantly worrying about it. just inform her of what you need to and go about your day. HI Stardreamer, Skype is actually the preferred method of communication. We all use it on the team for quick messages. We all work remotely. She responds even less to email, unfortunately. But good thoughts, & thanks... she's just unresponsive in general. She sucks as a manager.
  38. 4 points
    well that sucks if your boss doesn't respond, but if your boss continually doesn't respond, this may mean that she is not looking at skype, or that this is not the preferred means of communication. instead of using skype, maybe use email to send messages. it's less immediate, see if this improves the response time. either way, if you're emailing, then there is less of an expectation for you that you are "waiting" for a response than there would be on skype. yeah some people are not that good at communication but there's no point in constantly worrying about it. just inform her of what you need to and go about your day.
  39. 4 points
    Woke up with morning anxiety as usual,drinking coffee and smoking as sun rises more suffering awaits.
  40. 4 points
    Right now I'm still feeling very discouraged and emotional also. I got emotional earlier when I was writing about a past traumatic dental experience. I really need to find a way to distract myself. JJ
  41. 4 points

    Creativity When Depressed?

    You guys are one of my touchstones. Those are pretty precious when your toes are dangling over the edge. Thank you for your support.
  42. 3 points
    Oh HH, don't worry about any of that. Please! I am so glad you're here, no matter what you may have revealed.
  43. 3 points
    While I have spent most of my day sleeping and playing some video games for a bit I finally managed to get in my studio this afternoon. I'm not exactly recording anything but am going back through my electronic albums. Re-learning synth lines and trying to get back into the state of mind for performing. My main problem is my voice... I can't reach most of the vocal notes anymore for most of the songs.
  44. 3 points
    Ok, done ranting. Need to Zenify somehow.
  45. 3 points

    The Post Anything Thread

    I'm sorry to hear about that. My deepest condolences goes out to you and your family... Actually your family probably likes it, never mind. The best part? I'm a single guy with two cats!! Hahahaha. Actually, I like this vehicle a lot. Very comfy and great for hauling big stuff. Fuel economy is much better than a truck too.
  46. 3 points
    Umm... weird, as usual. I am a bizarre mixture of depressed and lonely and incurable, curious optimist. I had a good workout yesterday, ate decently, and am looking forward to a picnic lunch with an old friend today, Buddhist practice this evening, going to the gym tomorrow, and an all-day club activity on Saturday. But during the idle times, I go back to the emptiness and loneliness. Shouldas, wouldas, and couldas. And I've got a good friend who recently separated from his wife, and I'm starting to resent his doing things with his brother (a 60-year old retiree, kinda like me), and with his son. And that's DEAD WRONG. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my being 30 miles away, but it's a drive I'd make - heck, virtually everyone else I know is 15+ miles from me. But they go to ball games and such, and I'm saying to myself "I'D like to do that!" And again, that's wrong. So there's a couple of me here... mebbe that's why I weigh 270!
  47. 3 points

    New Here And Need Support!

    Welcome to DF, JayP! Keep fighting this fight, sir. It's worth it. There are many therapies and meds available - I'm sure you'll land on a combination that will work for you. Best regards - thanks for what you do.
  48. 3 points

    Scheduled Weekly Chat #3

    Hey everyone, I'm so sorry. I’m going to do that thing again, where I say I can’t do chat (myself) for the time being :verysad3: . My depression has hit a low point. I’m just not good company atm, not very talkative. Plus I’ve been especially bad in the mornings lately, when chat happens for me. I also feel, if I post reminders & I’m organizing it, I really need to be there for the full time & I’ve lost the ability to cope with responsibility (no matter how small). I know it’s silly. I’m so sorry guys :verysad3: . If someone maybe wants to take over posting reminders? Or maybe, can we just say - chat will be on Monday & Thursday nights, as per above times (although I can’t guarantee there’ll always be someone in there). For new people – you can see if anyone's in chat (at any particular time) if you scroll to the bottom of the ‘forum’ page. Also, I know how incredibly isolating depression is. So for anyone who hasn’t seen me talk about this, if the DF chatroom here is empty & anyone needs real-time company – the depression room at ‘Healthfulchat’ is really good. I’m not allowed to put links here, but just google ‘healthfulchat’ & look up the depression room. You don’t need to register there. Just type in a username & log in. It’s always full in there. Err I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying on the forum. I just can’t cope with organizing scheduled chat for the time being. I’m sorry :verysad3:. Note - depending on how I’m feeling, I might pop in to the DF room (probably late), if you guys are in there. I dunno, given the way my mood seems to be rollercoastering, I’ll probably be ok again by next week
  49. 3 points

    If You Were Leader Of Your Country...

    Nice thread :) I like the - abolish religion in schools & increase wages for teachers, scientists and nurses. Also like the idea of making bankers "disappear" but I'd still want access to my bank accounts & credit cards, so that's a dilemma . Also: Decriminalise drugsLegalise same-sex marriage (I live in a seriously backward/embarrassing country has hasn't done that yet)Remove all bike lanes in the city & inner-city suburbs (err yep, I'm one of those...)Get rid of the State Governments & just have Federal & local govt (err that's probably not possible...the Constitution & all)Properly regulate the trillion dollar derivatives market ffs (seriously, have we learned nothing from the GFC??)Substantially increase penalties for white-collar crime, at least in line with the States (HIH CEOs should've got life sentences - no one knows what you're talking about E & no one cares )Scrap most taxes & replace them with indirect sales tax (sorry - I'm a boring tax person. Everyone knows that's the way to fix our tax system but no one has the political balls to do it. Err, again, no...one...cares )I could probably come up with about 100 more but they're all equally as boring as those last three :verysad3: .
  50. 3 points

    Creativity When Depressed?

    Can you become famous, and publish so I can buy your books and have your writing everywhere, so they'll have better poetry to teach to adolescents and fill bookstores with? Thank you for your praise Red, who knows what the future will hold . For now, I'm just happy to have people reading and contributing like you did. Thank you so much and continue to follow! =)
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