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  1. Sailing only calm waters doesn't make a good sailor, its going thry the rough seas and high winds that makes the sailor. unknown I've often thought How depression changes you---for the better --if you keep going thru the rough times or for the bad --if one quits and gives up the fight for a better tomorrow. I say to myself to keep fighting!! SAIL ON!
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  2. I love these quotes ! Here's one I like. Perseverance is not a long race: it is many short races,one after another. --Walter Elliot--
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  3. All in the process. Celebrate that you were able to make it 6 days! It's an accomplishment!
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  4. I'm drinking Pepsi, listening to music and surfing the web. I hate Pepsi and I don't know why I'm drinking it.
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  5. You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight. Jim Rohn (I like this quote... though changing your direction is not easy either... -jmg)
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  6. 'budfox', on 03 Jul 2010 - 23:03, said: I was going to write this post as a journal entry to myself as I'm feeling very low and panicky at the moment. However on the off-chance that it might be of benefit to some of the good, nay great, folks on DF I thought I might as well post it here. I read a lot of the posts on this forum and one very common feature of what people are going through is the fear and panic they feel at what is happening to them. Browse through the posts and you will see a lot of, 'I don't know what's happening', 'Something is not right', 'I'm losing my mind', etc. I've made similar statements in some of my previous posts on this very forum in the past. Even though I've suffered from depression for more than 10 years I am still freaking out at how bad I'm feeling right now. Surely by now I should be an expert at managing this? I have had enough experience after all. So, this is what I'm trying to tell myself (and for what it's worth I know this to be totally true, it's just that depression sometimes casts a dark fog over our thinking): For all the terrible symptoms it produces we are all suffering from the SAME basic condition. Of course depression and anxiety affect us uniquely, such is the nature of a disease of the most amazing and complex system known to man, the human brain. However, even though we probably all feel like we are going through something totally personal to us, and I don't deny that in a sense we are, essentially we're all suffering from the same underlying illness, caused by abnormal changes in our brain neurochemistry. The reason none of us can just 'snap out' of depression is that it's an absolutely real illness. Stop thinking of the symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of something that is deeply wrong with you. You're just ill. In the future they will be able to precisely elucidate the neurochemical changes that are going on within the brain. For now, they have kind of a rough idea of what's going on but not much more than that. Some days I wake up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no interest in anybody or anything. Then a day later I can wake up and feel totally normal. Nothing in my life circumstances has changed from the bad day to the good day, it just so happens that for some reason that is inexplicable to me on the first day my neurochemistry is screwed up and on the second day it is within normal ranges. So whatever weird, horrifying, disturbing symptoms you are suffering from please try to remember that you're just ill. If it was an illness of the body you would feel pain or you would have difficulty walking or impaired vision. However, because illnesses like diabetes, arthritis, etc affect organs other than the brain the symptoms they produce, while they can of course be very serious, are still more uniform and less confounding than an illness which affects the brain, an organ many many times more complex than anything else in these bodies of ours. If you feel totally down or anxious when reading this then just accept that there is little that you can do about the way you feel right now to feel instantly better, although of course things like exercise and certain fast acting medications can help greatly. But also know that your brain chemistry is in flux and you are not going to carry on feeling like this forever. There's no point trying to analyse the way you feel or trying to think the way out of your depression, anymore than it would make sense to try and think your way out of diabetes. The depression or anxiety is there, it is making you feel so bad and when it goes you will feel better. I realise that we might all have developed depression for different reasons but I doubt there is one person on this forum that can say that his or her life circumstances are absolutely unique and that the life he or she has gone through is worse than that experienced by many of the millions of people who go through terrible things but don't ever develop depression. Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take hope in the knowledge that this will get better. Many posters are also blaming themselves for something that is not in the least their fault and saying things like 'I feel like a loser', 'I don't feel worthy', etc, etc. I say to you 'Nonsense!!!' You are just ill. In fact you are more worthy than most because you're dealing with a horrible illness and still managing to keep going. Most of you deserve medals, I tell you that. You're soldiers. Yet because our society is so nasty and backwards, we are still expected to function as well as people who don't have depression at all. When I think about how I am, I mean how functional I am on a good day as compared to a bad day, the gulf between the two is massive. The bad day Bud cannot possibly hope to compete with the good day Bud. It's like trying to be in a fight with someone with one hand tied behind your back. So be realistic and don't be too hard on yourselves. When you're down then do what you can but don't expect too much. Be gentle. As for what everyone in your company or your social circle thinks, to hell with them. They're not experiencing this and you are. Human beings like to go around feeling superior to others and judgmental, especially in modern workplaces. Their lack of sympathy, empathy or understanding is a sad reflection on them, not on you. I tell you you are all wonderful people and it pains me to see you suffer. Well maybe right at the moment you can't help the suffering but you can avoid compounding it. Let's support each other through this and take the view that we are in it together. Know that if you post here you'll get a reply, so however incapable of understanding people in your lives might be, you'll always have this forum to come to. I don't know about you but I at least find great solace in that. Thanks for listening. B
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  7. First some background information, I'm 19 years old and looking for my first job. I really want to work in a vet clinic, because I love animals and want to be a veterinary technician after school. However, I also suffer from depression, social phobia, and GAD, which has made the process of getting a job very hard for me. I was terrified of even asking for an application, nevermind going on an interview. I have been looking for months now, and for a while there was little progress. Now for the good part. I filled out an application to a vet clinic a couple of weeks ago, and they called me back for an interview which I did yesterday. I was still nervous, but I managed to keep my anxiety under control enough that I got through the interview, no problem. They scheduled me for a work interview, which I will do this coming Saturday. I'm so excited, and very proud of myself. It may not seem like a big accomplishment for some, but for me, it was huge. I just needed to share it. Thanks.
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  8. Thanks for posting, this is a very entertaining dream!
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  9. I take my dose of Effexor XL in the morning. I've been on this AD for some time now and what I've noticed is that if I forget to take it in the morning I start getting anxious
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  10. I am so sorry that you are in the situation. You don't deserve what is happening to you and it isn't your fault. You are a good person in a bad situation. I TOTALLY sympathize with you.But I cannot better the good advice of Lioninwinter. I really can't. I can share some things that help me in this situation . . . I have no idea if these things would help you. I am just expressing them in hope. OK? I think of my own brain as kind of a friend and a child. I think of it as a friend because it is there for me 24/7 trying to keep me alive and healthy. But it is also a child, too, depending on me. I will not let anyone hurt this little 3-pound child if I can help it and that includes my own family members and parents. Just as I would be protective of a child who is being hurt by a relative . . . the same goes for my brain. No offense to my relatives. But whether they are knowingly or unknowing hurting my child [my brain]. . . and whether they are willingly or unwillingly hurt my child [my brain] because of their own problems . . . I will always try to protect my brain. I feel I owe no one an apology for this. It is love. I am proud of it. Forced to live with a parent, for whatever reason, gives the parent a kind of power over oneself and one's brain. One can feel trapped and this is poisonous to one's brain. If you absolutely must live at home, you might try to do what you have to do to avoid getting kicked out while protecting your brain from harm. So easy to say and so hard to do!!! Other than physical abuse, all your mother can do to you is use words and facial expressions to hurt you and your brain. The only "power" in those words is if you believe them. IT CAN HELP A LOT TO REALIZE THAT THE WORDS ARE ALMOST ALWAYS FALSE. A parent can call you "stupid, lazy, rude, ungrateful, a liar, bad, selfish . . . these are words and no word can ever sum you up. I want to repeat that: NO WORD even spoken by a parent CAN EVER SUM YOU UP OR TRUTHFULLY DESCRIBE YOU. YOU ARE MADE UP OF TRILLIONS OF GOOD AND WONDERFUL THINGS AND NO SINGLE WORD OR GROUP OF WORDS CAN EXPRESS THAT. SO WHEN YOUR MOTHER CALLS YOU A NAME, that is a falsehood and lie. SHE NEEDS YOU TO BELIEVE THIS LIE SO SHE CAN GET TO YOU AND GIVE YOU GUILT OR SHAME. Don't fall for it. No offense to your mother here. Your mother cannot know everything that influences your behavior even moment to moment, so even when she says: "That was rude or that was selfish, " she is over-simplifying you . . . and over-simplification is a falsehood, a lie. When your mother tells you what you should do or shouldn't do, when she tells you what you must do or have to do or must not do . . . THESE ARE ALSO OVERSIMPLIFICATIONS. No person knows you well enough to tell you what you SHOULD do because you are suffering an illness and that illness affects you profoundly. No one expects a blind man to be an airline pilot. But people can expect those suffering depression to act and behave the same as everyone else. That is an oversimplification of a person, and therefore an error. You can only do what you can do at each moment and only you know what you can do. No one else knows you that well. No one. Others cannot judge you. A deaf person might not hear the cries of a child who has fallen in a pond and is in trouble. Someone might "expect" a person suffering a panic attack to behave just like someone without that illness in some situation. That is unrealistic . . . an unrealistic expectation. So please do not beat yourself up over anything right now. Since I am not you, it is possible I have totally missed your point and have given you rotten advice. If so, please forgive me and allow me to substitute my best wishes in place of my rotten advice. I hope you can find peace somehow even in the terrible situation you are in. I want to send you all my best hopes and wishes.
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  11. knight's horse
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  12. the knight's
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  13. Sigh, mothers. I really feel for you... When I was at university I took on far too much in my second of four years. I was studying science and arts subjects at the same time and writing 2-3000 word papers every other week AND doing lab work and just UGH! I had something of a break-down and needed to take a year out or lose my sanity and guess where the only place I could go was? Yup, back to live with my mother, who I'd so wanted to get away from in the first place! Like you, I was very depressed, didn't go out much at all at first, and tbh, I expected her to understand because she suffered depression for so many years herself. Also I'd cried and cried so much on the phone to her before I came to live back with her, and she'd seemed so understanding, but like you say... doesn't last long. Her sympathy soon wore off and she didn't seem to care how I felt, or that I couldn't cope, even when my wife tried to explain to her. My mother would simply do what you say yours does and start on her own thoughts and opinions. After about 3 months I even wrote her a letter telling her I felt, and all she could say was "so, you wrote me a letter, now will you read one form me? I wanted to throttle her! I'm so sorry that your mother has been such a toxic influence in your life, and that you can't get from her simple validation and recognition that you must desperately want :( I knwo all I ever wanted from my mother was an apology, for her to take some responsibility for how much heartache and all the problems she had caused me, and more than anything stop blaming me for everything. I wanted to forgive her so badly, for so many years, and felt I couldn't because she never took responsibility for the harm she'd done me, or apologised, and worse than simply denying it, she had decided it was my fault and I had made her treat me that way. I know how that tore me up inside, and how it felt like I could never get better without that resolution, so I'm imagining that you're feeling similar things? After my divorce in 2008 I desperately wanted my mum to care for me. I wanted her to visit me, or to just be sympathetic and understanding. I wanted her to love me whilst I was suicidal and vulnerable. Even when I did attempt suicide she never came to visit me, and she simply got angry with me because there were people worse off than me. I hated how everything was always about her. And yes, I'd also tried cutting her out of my life for what 4...5 years? All that ended in was something else for her to blame me for, and my feeling alone. I'm not trying to go on about me, I'm just wondering how much of those feelings you share right now -- the anger, the frustration, the loneliness, the abandonment, and how difficult all of that is and how overwhelming. You want to get better, and you say you've seen therapists to the point where you know yourself inside out (I'm sorry, I've not seen your others posts yet), so you've clearly made considerable efforts to move on with your life, to get help for yourself, but having her around, acting the way she does, must be like an anchor pulling you back and reminding you of all that :/ And even if you cut yourself off, the absence can be just as much of a reminder :( It's interesting that you say your mum isn't like this with friends or colleagues because mine is the same. When it comes to other people she's extremely caring, dedicated, supportive and friendly -- it's like it's just me! I don't know how that makes you feel, but it made me feel like a disappointment somehow, like I must not have been what she wanted, and she was basically ashamed to have even had me sometimes? I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother at such a critical time :( It must only reinforce the loneliness you're feeling.... Try not to feel guilty for not loving your mum... you didn't choose her, and you didn't choose how she has acted in your life. No-one made her be the person she's been, or treat you as she has done. No one made her so critical and destructive. Your plan to move abroad probably isn't a bad one. I know it helped me to have that time away from my mother, where she simply wasn't part of my life and I doubt I would have finished my university studies if I hadn't done that. I felt cold and mean for just leaving one day without so much as saying goodbye, and for ignoring attempts she made to find me. Truth was I didn't love her, not any more, not after everything. Sometimes you simply can't build the relationship you want with someone. A relationship takes two people, and if she's not willing to meet you in that effort then there's maybe nothing you can do about that. I know from experience that it can be extremely hard to think of even putting it all behind you, of having any distance from it all, and that those issues -- that relationship -- is so integral to your problems that without resolving it you feel like you can't resolve yourself and move forward... but you can. It does take time, and a willingness to accept what is and isn't possible, and also a willingness to reassure yourself that you tried everything you could, that you tried to do all that could possibly be done, but that was never going to be enough without her reciprocating. You can learn to love the person you are, the person that you want to be, and learn to have a life that isn't defined by her or your relationship with her. Your relationship with your mum might be the cause of your disorders and problems, it might be the root of them, but that doesn't mean that you can't be the solution. The fact that your relationship with her caused all the issues in your life doesn't mean that you have to resolve your relationship with her in order to move forwards; it simply means that you have to come to terms with the relationship, what it is, and what it was. Yes, it's caused you years of heartache and pain, and much sadness, and it's important that you are compassionate towards yourself and loving towards yourself in acknowledging that loss, the loss of the mother you always wanted, and possibly the loss of your childhood. Grieve for that, so that you can move forwards, as you would grieve any other loss, rather than keeping the relationship on life-support in your mind, and therefore tying yourself to all that history that drags you down. I know you deeply want your mother to take responsibility, but like mine, I don't think she ever will. I guess you could ask the question -- after everything she has taken from you and everything she has cost you, and all the pain she has caused, are you going to let her take any more, through that act of denial, and continue to take and to hurt you for the rest of your life, or are you going to let go, let go of her and the relationship, grieve for it, and move forwards? You owe it to yourself not to make your recovery conditional upon someone else, not to give her that power over your life any more. However if you continue to ask for acknowledgement, validation or love that she isn't going to give, you're beating yourself against a brick wall for the rest of your life. "EVERYTHING I mention she twists to turn it on me due to the denial of it all so it's impossible to have a healthy conversation. I usually answer with , 'I didn't choose to be a daughter , you chose to be a mother'." That sounds so familiar and is always what I thought too -- I never asked to be born, she chose to have me! But again, I can't make my mother take responsibility as much as I might her to, and I can't force her out of denial or force her to be the mother I want. Don't let her continue to control your life and your feelings by making your recovery and your self-love conditional upon her love, please. Love yourself, give yourself permission to let go of this toxic relationship and move on to a happier life defined by you and by the future, and not your mother and the past. I wish you all the best and big to you
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  14. Can you report your boss to somebody higher up? I don't know where you're from, but what he's doing sounds illegal, or at least against company policy. Most businesses have protocols to handle things like this. Don't bother even thinking about apologizing, because you've done nothing wrong. Look into what legal/professional actions you can take against this bully.
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  15. Its pretty much how it is. I've had mine hit and diffuse at often the most random of times, with no triggers - one minute I will be sitting at work wondering why I am even bothering, and 10 minutes later I will have finished 3 hours work in 30 minutes because I know how amazing I am at my job. Other times I'll be enjoying something and all of a sudden it turns to ash.
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  16. sometimes these things cant be helped, ocean, you take it easy. pain is nature's way of telling you that something is wrong so you need to listen to your body.
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  17. Once again I didn't allow work to get me down.
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  18. That's great! And I know that animals can definitely help. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for a little over two years. About 7 months ago I got a puppy (5mo old german shepherd mix). The change he has made in my life is absolutely amazing. He can tell when I'm having a bad day and will cuddle up next to me and just won't leave my side. It's so comforting to have that in your life. Hopefully working with something you are truly passionate about will make you more comfortable with the work environment in the future. Just gotta take one step at a time. A year ago I would have panic attacks while driving less than a mile. Now I can drive up to see my girlfriend who goes to school 120miles away. Just take little steps and before you know it you'll be wondering why you ever freaked out in the first place. ~ Mike
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  19. That is very typical for newly diagnosed patients. When you first get sick with this illness you do not understand the mechanics of it and it's such a crazy roller coaster that you have no idea what is going on. It took me almost a year to get real help, meaning being on medication for 2 years and doing therapy. Unfortunately once it starts it is very hard to control it on your own. I recommend at least therapy, especially cognitive. I'm sorry to say this to you but recovery is a long process but you can do it.
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  20. In my opinion, the brain is far too complex to be reduced down to a model of a few neurotransmitters, that's probably why the medications today are based on the same principles as in the fifties. It's questionable if the brain can ever fully understand itself.
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  21. JGF, Sam (nice avatar Duderino) and Epi have hit the nail on the head. Forget about the overall picture of life, the world and the potrayal of the planet as a septic place. It is not ideal but we can all play our part in making our little corner a bit brighter. If that means really examining ourselves and our relationships with people that we truly care about and forgetting the rest, so be it (so long as in a respectful manner to others). Bad news sells and I honestly think that the mass media blitzkreig we face every day forces our darker, cynical sides out while really stumping any effort to really appreciate the truly good things in life. Whats better - a full day on FB or watching news or just 10 minutes outside on the grass listening to the world. So if you have things on your mind that you feel prohibit you from meaningful and decent relationships, work on them seperately. Don't think it will change in one day as we all like to think and we rush any chance of recovery. You surely have at least a few good traits that help in your relationships with those who care. Take care and keep writing, Stonium
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  22. I think you are a good person suffering a terrible illness. Hate and love are opposites in a sense and one can imply the other. One can hate things because they fall short of an ideal. But to hate in this way implies love of the ideal. There is no such thing, at least in my fallible opinion, as pure hate. Depression often narrows my perspective. I see hateful things everywhere. I am helped most by medication since depression can be involved with disease pathology in the brain which may cause loss of perspective. I wonder sometimes if we are over effected by news journalism. What I mean is that today thousands of trains delivered tens of thousands of people safely to their destinations without derailing. But this is not news. It is the one in thousand train that derails that is news. But the fact that tends of thousands of trains did not derail today, while not news, is still the truth. Millions of children were not struck down with leukemia today. Millions of people today did not die in automobile accidents. Millions of children went to school today and did not shoot their fellow classmates. But goodness never makes the news except as as afterthought "human interest story." So the constant barrage of bad news can narrow focus and cause a loss of perspective. I am not denying that evil exists and imperfection. I am just saying that good also exists. A long time ago philosophers were asked if a perfect world could exist. They seemed to say that it could exist but that we could not exist in it because we are imperfect. I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you or will just be a waste of your time to read, but maybe it might be helpful. I certainly don't blame you for what you feel as I have often felt the same. I hope you are able to recover the joy of life again. Depression is a really cruel and brutal and savage illness. Hopefully others will address your other concerns. All good things to you!!!
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  23. Hello JGF and happy birthday! Let me start by saying that you are not alone in the way you see the world, as I see it exactly the same way... I could've literally written exactly the same thing as you did about it... I look at all of the corruption and injustice that is in the world and no matter how hard I try I cannot accept it. I cannot accept how people can be so blind, ignorant and stupid as to let it happen! And I can't stand the feeling of hopelessness that it gives me as there is nothing I can do about it. And some days I'm literally filled with hate about the whole thing, and for those periods nobody can calm me down or tell me any different. I have been trying to cope with this feeling recently with a technique... You've probably heard it before and maybe it hasn't worked, it's just something I'm trying for myself right now... I'm trying to distance myself from the worlds problems, or things that anger me that I can do nothing about. The way I see it is that as a depressant I have enough to worry about, without concerning myself with things i am powerless over. Now I know this all sounds very easy for me to say and very hard to put into practice, and that was exactly what I though at first, but if you can try and imagine that your world is very small, almost a small bubble and it is filled with your friends, family and loved ones, nobody else. Now as long as everything is okay in your little bubble then you are doing your job... It's a waste of time and energy to concern yourself with things you can do nothing about and as a depressant you cannot afford to waste energy on these things. Focus on the things and people around you, stop reading about what is going on in the world (ignorance is bliss as they say, I for one never wanted to be ignorant to the world around me, but I realised that as a depressant I cannot afford to concern myself with these things as its not healthy). I stopped reading and watching the news as I could not just watch it like everybody else and forget about it afterwards, it would literally fill me with anger and hate. Now what I've said doesn't happen overnight and I'm still trying to adjust my mind into this way of thinking.... I do sometimes get angry but I just try and tell myself that there is nothing I can do about it, and that I'm ill and my first priority is my own problems and not the worlds. I don't know if you'll find this helpful, but I wanted you to know that I can relate... I think sometimes that can be of help in itself. Good luck, Sam.
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  24. 2 weeks on Aripiprazole (10mg). So far it has only helped slightly. I feel about the same as I did once it kicked in (around day 5 I think). At this level I'll never get well...so hoping that a switch to another antidepressant(s) on the 28th will give me the boost I need. One thing the Aripiprazole *has done* effectively is keep my symptoms from getting worse...at least the depression isn't progressing like it was a few weeks ago.
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  25. Lady Mozzer

    What Are You Doing? #8

    Posting here and watching CNN.Listening to news about the devasting tornado in Oklahoma.My thoughts and prayers are with those suffering from the effects.
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  26. Feather, I went to Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville and they referred me to Shands Teaching Hospital at University of Florida. They have a medical psychiatric wing for people with medical conditions and depression. The doctors there were very thorough and it was a relief just being there, even before I started feeling better. I was lucky to have been admitted to such a nice place. I had a private room and a private bathroom. I could go to the central area and watch TV. They also had meals in a cafeteria set up with lots of choices and good desserts. We were treated like hotel guests. There was individual therapy, medical exams, and group therapy. Kim
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  27. People all around me are just irritating me on various levels. However, my GI is good today, and I was able to do an impromptu shopping trip. Thought about going to a movie, but I think tomorrow will be better for that.
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  28. Lioninwinter

    Escaping My Mother

    It’s very hard when you grow up being physically cared for by your family whilst at the same time being emotionally neglected or abused. I guess to me it’s a little easier to see because of the violence of my childhood, and yet I still feel the same contradiction that you do. Over the last five years I’ve been much more comfortable saying to friends and online that I was abused as a child, and that I was deeply unhappy and disturbed, and I’ve come to accept the effect that had on my life all through my 20s, no matter how hard I was trying to deny it at the time and say I was “over it.” I felt so guilty saying that my mother was a bad mother, because she had reasons for what she did… she was deeply depressed herself, for good reasons, and I felt sorry for her and pitied her. I loved her, but I hated her too, and the latter made me feel guilty whilst the former made me feel resentful! Even now, writing this, I feel some guilt for the things I’ve said, and how she’d feel if she read them (although actually she’d probably get annoyed, angry, and tell me I was lying or being “manipulative”). There’s always that question in your mind of whether you deserve to talk about them in that way, and also always the feeling that you describe about relationships where you think “am I being truthful? Am I somehow making people dislike my family for sympathy or attention, or just plain by being “honest” or whatever?” I think for you, if you’re describing to people any amount of what you’ve written here, their natural reaction would be to dislike the people you describe; many people are quick to judge. You parents may not be “bad people” at all – ill people, perhaps, people with serious problems and issues, people with unhealthy and destructive attitudes, but not “bad.” Whether a partner really stands any chance of getting along with them will never be solely up to your partner either; your parents have to play their part in creating a relationship with them. I don’t think you should feel guilty, not if you’re only honestly describing what has happened to you and how you feel, or if you’re honestly describing how you feel in the present and what your current problems or concerns are. That’s easy for me to say and very hard for you to do, but it’s my opinion --- it goes back to validating your feelings, and giving yourself permission to feel what you do, which I think is your biggest problem right now. “My mother always made my father into the villain when I was growing up. She was so angry with him for moving her away from her parents but he had to go where he could get work. She made it sound like the reason he worked all the time was because he didn't love us. I disliked my father growing up because I trusted my mother to tell the truth. When I got older I realized there are always two sides to every argument and my father wasn't this mean, cold person my mother had made him out to be.” Again, I can really relate to that :/ My mother brought me up to hate my father. She did everything she could to undermine his presence in my life. She referred to him with a derogatory nick-name and made us do the same. She liked to find ways to ruin the few visits he had to see us, and they became more and more impossible. She made me despise my step-mother when I’d never even met the woman – so much so that my father was too scared to say he was getting remarried. I remember once when I was 7 and my father had offered to let me come stay with them for weekends or in the holidays – even decorated a room for me – and she said to me “you know I can’t stop you staying with your father, but you know how much I wouldn’t like it, don‘t you? [insert stern glare].” She told us he didn’t care about us, never loved us, etc. She often told me how much I was like him, and therefore that she hated me. It wasn’t until my teens that I realised he loved us very much, and that there a was another side to the story, and that my father had worked so hard all my life to support me, at great cost to himself and my step-mother. The more you describe how your mother treats you father, the more she sounds like an aggressive sufferer of a personality disorder – putting your dad down, controlling him and all of your lives, exploiting his weaknesses and in some ways sort of emotionally emasculating him even :/ It also makes sense she’d have someone like your brother – people with personality disorders often form co-dependent relationships with someone (like my mother did/does with my brother, and now with a friend/ex-colleague of hers who weirdly shares my alcohol problem, despite her rejecting my alcoholism as thoroughly unforgiveable). My ex definitely had a personality disorder. She was controlling to the extreme, and very judgemental of everyone, She wanted to tell me who I could and couldn’t be friends with, she belittled me, she was already isolating her 4 year-old son, and so many other things your mother does! What made me mention it was your mother’s attention seeking, because my ex also had every illness anyone could ever had. If there was a side effect of even a simple medication, she’d have it. She couldn’t take any hayfever pills because they all gave her various terrible side effects, and then she got sympathy for the hayfever! She had asthma, allergies to pretty much any household chemical or detergent, and she was always suffering some physical ailment. In the end she decided she had Asperger’s syndrome…. “I don't know how I'm going to break free from my family and go be my own person. It sounds strange but I don't honestly know how to be my own person.” That’s been one of the biggest struggle sin my life, if I’m honest. Throughout the course of my relationship and marriage, I dedicated myself more and more to my wife. After uni, especially, my identity was gone, and my marriage became my identity. I’d never really felt comfortable being alone, and I didn’t really know who I was. I’ve always been more comfortable when living with someone. When my wife left I underwent a huge identity crisis. I couldn’t see the point in doing anything. I dind’t really know what I wanted or who I was or anything, and it was the scariest thing ever… all I can say, is that you can slowly learn those things, and it takes time, but it can happen. Also, your fiancé can support you in that, but also needs to give you space to find those things for yourself so you don’t simply transfer dependence on to him. His most important role is in helping you discover you. I think offering ot have you get an apartment of your own for a while is an exceptionally good idea and something that really shows he cares and respects you and what you need right now; he’s not trying ot leap in and rescue you or take advantage of you and control you – he recognises that maybe you need that space, and if you can do that then yes you should definitely do it. AT some point you’re going to have to make that decision, and right now you have someone who can support you in it and make it less scary – that would seem like the best that this situation could get and the easiest that this decision could ever be (easy being relative, of course – what I mean is that I can’t imagine better circumstance sunder which you could make it). I think therapy would help you immensely for two reasons: 1) I think it would give you a safe place to discuss many old feelings of resentment, anger, sadness, etc., in a safe place where you won’t be judged, and learn to incorporate those into your life, to grieve for the loss of your childhood and simply to put those things to rest 2) I think it would help you because someone would be there to help to teach you those skills you say you lack in regards to assertiveness, how and when to express yourself and the discomfort and doubt that is almost certainly going to throw up for you. It’s very hard to discuss those things with anyone who’s involved – such as your fiancé – because they have their own interests, no matter how hard they try to put them to one side; therapy would give you an opportunity to learn and practice and discuss those skills and their consequences. I think it’s great that your fiancé’s family is so supporting of you! My father was like that to my wife after her family cut her off. Also I’m so glad you did make the choice to get out and to accept his support! Try not to be so hard on yourself right now – this is the hardest transition of your life, and you’re bound to experience a lot of emotions and you need time to adjust to them and work out how to deal with them! I haven’t been back home in 10 years now. When I left after my year out from uni, there were no goodbyes. We literally packed up and left. I left behind all pictures of my family, anything that reminded me of them, and I remember getting on the bus and knowing I was never going home. It bring sup tears now to think of that day. At the time I was very hopeful. I’d just started medication for depression for the first time, I had the rest of my uni career to look forward to, a lovely new apartment, some financial support from my father, and I thought I could make everything work. I think at the time it was the only choice I could make. I was sick of my mother – she did nothing during that year but drive me down, make me feel guilty, worthless and lazy, and what should have been a year of healing turned out to be a year of hell. I wanted to start fresh, so I cut her off altogether and we didn’t speak or communicate in any way for 5 years. I’ve never been forgiven for that, and I don’t know if I ever will be. I’m not sure how I feel about that. My mother calls me once every 4-6 weeks. When I stayed in the states for a while she even told me how proud she was of me, but that’s now returned to her having a very low opinion of me again. She won’t visit. She doesn’t even respond if I text or write to her (she doesn’t have a computer). Her calls are only when she wants them to be and they’re never anything to do with me. I guess she’s changed in some ways, but not in so many. I don’t know if it would be good to have her properly in my life again. I do miss my home though. I feel very alone sometimes down here, away from the countryside and the places in which I used to find peace. I guess I wish I’d found another way, or made more of my father’s family, it’s been a very mixed bag looking back after 10 years. I don’t know how much I was simply running away from my problems and setting up a system of denial. I guess then that would be a third reason to encourage you to get therapy: to make sure this transition, this move, is a healthy one, and a start to a new life, which it can be, and that it doesn’t lead to you having regrets later in life. I think you’re at a vital turning point in your life right now, and you need to make sure it becomes a healthy new start, and you can do that with the help of your fiancé and his family, but I think therapy would be really good as a way to cement that and make sure of it, imo. I’m glad you seem to have more possibilities now, but I know you’re still struggling with your depression. I’m sorry for writing such a long reply… I hope I’m more or less up to date on most of your current issues though :p What medication are you taking btw? Best wishes to you… keep us posted Huge ~ Lion
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  29. I love my brain! Even if it is unpredictable!
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  30. Take time to love your brain everyday. It is your best friend and lover, and not just metaphorically or poetically, but literally and actually. It is always there for you unlike anyone else. It works 24/7 to keep you alive, healthy and in homeostasis. It tries to keep you happy too. What friend or lover does as much for you as this little three pound brain? It is like a genius too, but a child genius. It is capable of the grandest achievements but can suffer from primitive childhood emotions. So it needs and is deserving of love. You can talk to your brain through the wonderful ability of reflexive consciousness. Talk to it. Comfort it. Let it have its feelings [your feelings] but encompass and embrace each one with a greater love. For example... I love you little brain even though you are feeling sad right now I love you little brain even though you are feeling mad at yourself for your sadness I love you little brain even though you are feeling guilty about your anger at yourself I love you little brain even though you are feeling worried I love you little brain even though you are now feeling worried about your worrying Tell your brain that no feeling can separate you from your love for it, no matter how extreme. For example . . . . I love you little brain even though you hate yourself I love you little brain even though you hate yourself for hating yourself I will always be there for you little brain, no matter what Often what our little brain needs is just a little appreciation, a little love, a little empathy, a little patience, a little comfort, a little encouragement.
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  31. jmg

    How Do You Feel Today #31

    Tired, but got things done. Spent time while I was mowing, thinking about my depression and my mental state of mind.
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  32. Took 5 or 6 weeks for me before I got any positive effects, then it just kicked in completely and I felt good/actually normal. Stopped taking it since it aggrevated my bipolar too much in the end.
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  33. Tears on my Pillow I know it is an oldie, but meh =)
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  34. Go somewhere different for a change.
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  35. 1. I went for a 45-minute walk. 2. I bought new sneakers. 3. I managed to handle a conflict despite I was on the verge of tears.
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  36. I need someone to post with me please..... These posts help me to remember that the whole day wasn't bad. Today I walked for 20 minutes I started an exercise log and a food log An old neighbor came over to visit my daughter.
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  37. jmg

    What Are You Doing? #8

    DF, thinking about tomorrow, and relaxing with 2 cats.
    1 point
  38. Watching Hoarders while organizing my magazines... not ready for bed yet.
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  39. Telling myself, "Be patient with yourself," or "Be kind to yourself." I tend to get impatient for results when I am doing things to help my depression, and I sometimes get down on myself for how I am feeling or thinking, and I don't want to treat myself kindly.
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  40. Litlle things, like buying something small , clothes or a book, you need to take care of yourself, or taking the dog for a walk. Not worry about the far future, I tend to catastrophize too much, or worry about controlling things that I can't anyway.
    1 point
  41. There's something to be said for cliches like "Laughter is the best medicine." Some of my most un-depressed (word?) moments have been when I'm laughing. Some of the things that make me laugh: funny Youtube videos, funny books, cheesy jokes, old sitcoms from the '90s, old photos or happy memories. Also, I find reading a really touching book or watching a guilty pleasure film can work. Also, Doing something silly or completely gratuitous, not taking yourself too seriously. Signing petitions for Amnesty International or some other non-profit group. Reminding myself that it's okay not to be perfect, and of all the things I've accomplished despite my imperfections. Reminding myself that it's okay to ask for help. Stopping to smell the flowers (literally and figuratively). Going for peaceful nature walks.
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  42. My family including pets.Music.
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  43. 1. Reading 2. Swimming 3. Bike riding 4. Watching one of my favorite movies 5. Writing in my journal
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  44. Exercise Meditation Distraction - books, movies, anime, video games, playing guitar/bass/piano Support from people who care and understand Crying (sometimes) Sleep (can help or hurt depending on timing and amount) In the past medication has helped me, but that's not currently on my list.
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