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Showing content with the highest reputation on 04/02/2013 in all areas

  1. I hate you. No, hate is too meager a word. I despise you. I abhor you. I detest everything about you. These are all negative feelings because they are the only emotions that you allow me to experience. It's ironic, isn't it, for how can I tell you that I love you or admire you or respect you when you make it impossible to know what those emotions feel like? I tell my friends and family that I love them, because I know in my heart that I truly do, but you won't ever let me experience what love feels like on the inside. Do you know how horrible it feels when a loved one grows upset because you are completely incapable of expressing your emotions to them genuinely? Do you know how much pain you cause others because you feel it's necessary to imprison me to a lifetime of detachment? Well, listen up. You're not only hurting me. You hurt everyone I care about. There are so many wonderful people who truly admire me and want my compassion, but you have plagued me with an inability to feel anything for them. I can not share a smile with a loved one and genuinely feel that emotion in my gut. I can merely respond to physical stimuli and fake physical conveyances of emotion, but you won't ever let me experience them for myself. Why do you refuse to allow me to live? Life isn't meant for someone to lie in bed all day, be terrified to answer a phone or check an email, ignore the texts and calls from friends, be completely unable to experience love. People are supposed to get butterflies in their stomach when they're around people they love. That's something you won't ever allow me to experience. All I can do is hurt people because you won't let me experience what they experience. Please, I'm begging you, to let me and others go. We don't deserve this. We are good human beings who only want to be able to derive pleasure out of simple things. We're not asking to be rich, successful or famous. What we are asking is for a single moment, a minute, or two, to be surrounded by our loved ones and to feel HAPPY because of it. Let us go. We can't live in this misery anymore.
    4 points
  2. emmabnm

    What Do You Truly Miss?

    I miss believing in love, I miss feeling hopeful about the future, I miss spending time with my friends, I miss going to school, I miss my time living abroad, I miss dancing, I miss enjoying the summer I miss my childhood, I miss my family being normal I miss feeling safe
    3 points
  3. For anyone who can remember a time before depression took over their life, what do you really miss? I miss enjoying the feeling of a warm summer rain on my skin. I miss enjoying the sound of the birds in the morning. I miss sleeping for eight hours, not ten, twelve, or two, and I miss waking up without being completely exhausted. I miss being able to dedicate a mere hour of my day to a good book without having a panic attack before I finish the first page. I miss smiling when I'm holding a woman I care about. I miss being able to convey that I care for her. I miss being hopeful about the future. I miss looking forward to a promotion, a new house, an engagement. I miss feeling that these were attainable goals, not severe delusions. I miss being able to sit at a restaurant without having a panic attack. I miss being able to drive to the store. I miss being able to get to places on time and not spend an hour or two getting ready and leaving my house at the last possible second. I miss meaningful conversations with people and I miss checking my email and the courage to answer my phone.I miss emotions like pleasure, joy, anticipation, happiness, love, longing, desire, complacence, compassion. I can do without grief, sorrow, despair, torment, and feelings of worthlessness. I know these are natural emotions we all need to experience in life, but they should never be the only emotions we are capable of experiencing. I miss relaxation. I miss living in the present and not dwelling on the past or being terrified of the future. I miss beaches, enjoying the taste of ice cream, eating reasonable portions of food on a reasonable schedule and not once a day because I have too much anxiety to even sit still to finish a meal. My name is Joe and I suffer from severe depression and anxiety because my brain doesn't work the way that's it's supposed to. I miss the things that make life worth living. And I would do anything to get them back.
    2 points
  4. I think I overlooked this post. Those 2 things I bolded and underlined are red flags to me. Your sitch has been interesting discussion, I talked to my cousin who is a clinical psychologist practicing overseas for her view on romantic (and later sexual) relationships between therapists and patients/clients (refer to this as T-P from hereon). She told me to get hold of a book, Sexual intimacy between therapists and patients by JC Bouhoutsos and K Pope. I checked it out on amazon and read this review, ""The authors outline the types of sexual abuse and draw together clinical studies that claim to document this phenomenon. Since this is a new research frontier, there is not yet the comprehensive understanding of the ethical, legal, and psychological issues that encompass this complex issue. Nevertheless, the authors have done an admirable job of describing therapists at risk, the vulnerabilities of patients, and consequences of therapist-patient sexual intimacy. The authors also discuss critical changes in the training of mental health professionals. Guidelines for lawyers and suggestions for patient-victims are also offered." -- Choice" while I understand you have not gone this far with your T, since both of you claim to be attracted to each other, it is not far and remote for the relationship to get more intimate. I am not a psychologist but I've been told that since therapists weild MORE power over their patients/clients (we should remember clients come to them seeking assistance, not the other way around) and therefore, the T is deemed taking advantage of their client's vulnerability which can be considered not just abusive but also unethical transgression. T-P romantic relationships become highly one sided such that the T knows a lot about the P with the latter not knowing much about the T. In your case, you said you *think* he is single, right? I don't think romantic and therapeutic relationships work well for the patient's benefit. In your case, he has admitted he let his personal biases interfere and that does not help you at all when he takes sides. Just think when we go to a therapist, they can ask us anything and if we want help, we don't hold back and tell them (almost) everything, but does the patient get to ask the T those same things? Romantic relationships will definitely affect the T's objectivity and affect his/her professional service rendered to his/her client. Therefore, it is best to terminate T-P relationship. Also, for most states here in the USA, I think at least one year should pass after terminating T service when the therapist can see his/her client. This is regardless of the fact the patient may be willing to have a relationship with the T. If you're in Canada, check the laws there regarding this matter. Will discuss more later...
    2 points
  5. calicosky

    What Do You Truly Miss?

    I miss meaningful conversation. I miss the feeling that I would get when I would study and learn something new. I miss waking up in the morning and not wanting to die. I miss feeling that I can control my emotions. I miss smiling and laughing - probably this most of all. I miss my intense fandom feelings.
    2 points
  6. Hi Panorama, yes cutting down is an excellent way to feel better and it does work. Please take care though as relapses can happen very easily; because we feel stronger and happier when we've given up looking for our 'guys' we then fall into the trap of thinking it is OK to look them up just once or twice maybe, and then we fall down all over again! But keep us updated on your progress, both the good and bad bits if need be, sharing is really helpful and can make the progress so much easier. I've been feeling frustrated the past couple of days; so my guy had his baby (or rather, his $kank of a girlfriend did), and it seems they are all one happy family, but what is annoying me right now is that I just feel so annoyed and sh!tty at him for being with someone who I find so unsuitable for him. And thats all down to me, building him up to be this kind of guy who wouldn't look at someone like her. But jeez, he's a guy - and we all know guys are capable of making dubious choices if a huge pair of t!ts get in the way. But after not thinking about him for so long, and feeling like I had comfortably moved on, here I am thinking he's an id!ot and feeling so mad at him, like he's let me down with his stupidity. I'm not really sure why. I don't have any attraction to him, that ended a while ago now, but I honestly feel like if he was in the room, I'd want to punch him in the face. Phew, what a waste of emotions this is, but! We are used to having crazy brains around here, huh? Hope everyone is doing OK. Take care people!
    2 points
  7. Can you recall anything which might have triggered this change? Anything significant happen at that point in your life? I usually only let another know when an episode creeps up. I can mostly manage myself, I know how it plays out, what my reactions are and can often give an instruction manual to dealing with my stuff properly. I am... at peace with this side of me. It's there, I can't change that. If, somehow, it chases people away, I'd rather it do so as soon as possible. Rejection is always painful, but it everyone's prerogative to choose their friends. I wouldn't be friends with everyone, so I expect some people won't want to be friends with me. We all have "tastes" in people. Dealing with fear of rejection goes through accepting who you are. It will always sting. If anyone says otherwise, I'd say they're lying to themselves. If you accept who you are, your strengths and your weaknesses, it won't really matter in the long run what a subset of individuals think of you. I think the important thing to remember about rejection is that: -The probability of being rejected is usually lower in reality than in our imagination. It has been my experience that most people are actually friendly when addressed appropriately. -The degree of rejection is often much less in reality than in our imagination. Most people dislike rejection, as a result, most people are usually tactful. -The pain we would feel after being rejected is usually much less intense in reality than in our imagination. People are bad at evaluating how they would feel after a hypothetical event. So, basically, your inner voice is your worst enemy. That being said, knowing all that, I still avoid rejection myself so, it's definitely not an easy one... Sometimes you just have to ignore that inner voice.
    2 points
  8. @Dontlikeme, thanks for your kind words. I'm back from therapy so I'll continue. hippocampus, you said you *think* your T is single so you're not sure, right? meanwhile, he knows a lot about you probably more than any other person that's close to you. he has met your exBF, which he chewed out the last time (didn't he tell him he was a POS/crap?) he came to therapy with you. He forgot your ex is NOT his patient so he should've not said those things. I'm surprised there was no fist fight that ensued, kudos to your ex for not making a scene. Btw, did you check his credentials and how long he's been in practice? Don't just assume he is licensed, make sure to ask if you don't see it displayed. Over here in the states, we can also check practitioners records for any malpractice suits filed against them. I hope you did a background check on him. For social workers, there is the National Association of Social Workers you can call to ask about credentials and or if they have been sued/convicted for unethical practice(s). Feel free to ask some of the questions above and hear what he says. As always be careful. Live and love, -Im
    1 point
  9. LibraryLady

    Feeling Depressed

    Hey Turbofan, I'm glad you found us here on the DF! We will give you all the support we can. I'm glad you have a Dr's appt because it does sound like you are dealing with depression. Good for you for taking steps to feel better! Please let us know how your appointment goes on Friday, and come and talk to us whenever you feel like it. We are here for you!
    1 point
  10. The last woman I've been seeing is going to Comic-Con, so it's not necessarily a lock-out on doing those kinds of things. And yes, not all woman want a man with great deals of experience. Do you want a woman with all kinds of experience, that has slept with countless men? Probably not your ideal woman. Why would a woman necessarily want that, then? Having less experience means less perceived threat of cheating, less certainty in forcing what you want, and any number of other things. My ex told me she wouldn't have known I was a virgin if I hadn't told her. It's really not something to be concerned about. She also said that she wished she had known before, because she wished that she could have made my first time more special. Didn't bother her at all that I had no experience. It strained things a little with my not understanding proper relationship dynamics, but that's something to deal with as it comes along, not a deal breaker from the get-go. Don't sweat all these little things. They will come with time, and they don't really matter.
    1 point
  11. Oh starla, try not to beat yourself up because of that. Did you know that chocolate is known to lift one's mood and it contains some beneficial antioxidants as well? I'm feeling so woozy. I've been lying on my acupressure mat several times today and it always makes me so relaxed I fall asleep. I'm hopelessly hooked on it and especially treating my stomach area feels sooo good!
    1 point
  12. evgtrees, Tacit Blue, sighidk: I check in every so often to see how you're doing. As i guessed, several female commentators have posted here andhave supplied the female perspective. Thank you, all women who have posted since my March 30 post;you have provided much helpful support that i could never give! In the posts, E, TB, and S, i see a number of recurring ideas: 1) we men have this false idea that all women are always "rating" their dates based on how experienced they are, or based upon the man's supposed "skill." Guys, it seems pretty clear that the female commentators here want you to know that that's a myth. They do not sit down with their diary after a date, or get together with their friends, and rip into the man with some kind of 1-10 rating system. My thought: could it be that men are afraid of being rated by women THE SAME WAY THEY RATE WOMEN themselves? Maybe if you guys didn't rate women on a 1-10 scale (based solely on looks, of all stupid things), you wouldn't be so afraid of being rated. 2) if one woman reacts negatively to you, it's her problem (and hers alone). Not all women react negatively to the same things, and the next woman may like something that turned the first woman off. Apparently some women even like virgins! I had no idea. We men assume that all women like alpha males and only alpha males; another myth (BTW, thanks Lifeintheslowlane, for shooting that one down). I think we men get that myth from television and music, two places that aren't exactly famous for connecting to reality. 3) be true to yourself, and the confidence will follow. Frankly, female posters, i'm still not convinced by this idea, but i'll highlight it anyway. My observation, as i stated in my post, is that we often have to pretend to be better than we are in order to BECOME better than we are. The old cliche is, "fake it til you can make it." I can't tell you the number of times i had to PRETEND to be a confident guy before women (or men, this is true in the workplace and friend-market, too) would get interested in me. I suppressed my vulnerability, suppressed my intellectual side, suppressed my sensitivity; and quite frankly, folks, i got better results that way. But E, TB, and S, the female posters apparently are telling you to keep going to Comic-Con and/or poetry readings, if that's where your interests lie. I guess we'll agree to disagree on this one. Thank you, female posters; i'm certain that your comments were very helpful.And i hope you'll post more.
    1 point
  13. NorthernStar

    Feeling Depressed

    Hello there turbofan and welcome to Depression Forums! Glad to have a new member onboard and don't worry about your English, as it is perfectly fine. There are also other non-native English speakers around - I am one of them - and we're doing perfectly fine so I'm sure you will do too :) You seem to be a very articulate person who has had quite a colorful life. Regarding depression, please try to remember that even though your depression would be 'mild', it is still a very debilitating and at worst life-threatening disease that needs to be treated properly. Nobody would choose depression as their lifelong partner. I have been battling with depression for 11 years, on and off, and even the milder episodes have been excruciatingly overwhelming compared to being in my 'normal' state of mind. It's great to hear you'll have this appoitment with the psychiatrist, as seeking professional help is very essential. Please feel free to take a look around here and if you've got any questions concerning this site, you're most welcome to PM a Support Staff member, a Moderator or Administrator. As the site staff we will do our best to help you to accommodate here, and you'll notice our members are a pretty welcoming bunch too. Looking forward to your posts!
    1 point
  14. As usual, hippocampus, Imim is giving you a lot of wisdom, information, and unselfish support. Your predatory therapist has given you none of those. I hope you will follow Imim's advice.
    1 point
  15. Cyber, I know how you feel and I know how important it is to talk about those feelings, if writing helps, you may find writing to someone else helps even more. I can be here to talk, not as someone who is trying to help but just as a friend. Everybody needs one, and so do I. Just message me if you want, Take care!
    1 point
  16. Ashen

    Fed Up.

    I'm tired of being miserable and needy. I'm tired of having no life and sitting around all day by myself. I could be out there doing stuff, but I'm too depressed or poor to usually go out and do anything. With both my ex and the girl I'm seeing now (supposedly), they have lives and are busy, I have nothing to do and drop anything I do have to suit their needs, because they don't have much free time. I give them what they want. I cling. Start blowing up phones because I need attention and want to feel validated. Nope, done with that. Ex was too busy to have a relationship. Still needs me and wants me, though. But it's on her terms, when it works for her. And I sit by and do whatever she wants. Drive 45 minutes out to see her because she wants to see me. Nope. New gf is too busy for a relationship too. Saw her once last week, and dropped by work once. Today she had the morning off, which is very unusual, but didn't want to see me, evidently. Said we would hang out after her night class. Started feeling sick later and lazed around the house all day. Now she's flaking for tonight, and her schedule is packed with work and school for the rest of the week, so I won't see her at all this week. Not playing this game. Not sitting here miserable and waiting for her to drop me a line. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to find a woman with time for me who doesn't have so much about her that doesn't fit what I'm looking for. I'm not going to cling this time, and I'm going make sure it fits my schedule and needs and not put my whole world around her. I'm going to exercise and work out every day. I'm going to meditate daily. I'm going to fix myself and stop this nonsense. I'm making myself miserable and enough is enough.
    1 point
  17. Little_lola

    Fed Up.

    Oh, I know that feeling of not wanting to move from one spot all day. And the feeling of failure that comes with all the things you should be doing but can't bring yourself to do. One thing: don't set your goals too high. Yes, you should exercise and meditate every day, but let's be honest - that's quite a lot to ask when you can barely muster up the energy to get up and make yourself dinner, right? And if you fail to reach your own goal, you're just going to feel even worse. Start with something smaller. Like a 30 minute walk around the block every day. When you've gotten used to it, make it a run and go further. That's a lot like meditation actually. The point is that you have to make it a routine, something you do without even thinking about it, so that you can't talk yourself out of it. I have my running clothes right next to my bed. When I wake up, I put them on and leave so fast, I'm not even properly awake until I've run half a mile. Small goals will still make you feel awesome when you reach them. The point is to do something.
    1 point
  18. Oh and I miss being able to watch a movie or tv program without analyzing the characters lives and trying to find an explaination why they succeeded in life and I havent
    1 point
  19. You really hit the nail on the head there. As soon as I find a printer, I'm gonna print that post and put it in a place where I can find it any time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
    1 point
  20. Well said! Gotta applause you on that one you nailed it~
    1 point
  21. Heyho all, I want to give you a small update about my health in terms of depression. Im not feeling depressive at all this is the cause I didnt wrote anything here. It think im not like the other people around me... but that was also before my depression: Have to feed my brain every day with komplex tasks. Im highly gifted in logical thinking. I love this on the one hand... I love it to have logical challenges and i need them... i love my job as engineer. But on the other hand I dont have so much fun with other people. Im have no social anxienty and I have good friends but im introverted because of missing energy and i often feel bored to spend time with other people. Anyway im feeling well and the bottom line is that it is going really well... I was hospitalized 4 months ago and im full working now. Feeling a bit more pleasure again :) I take: 0-0-15mg cymbalta 10mg-10mg-0 Ritalin 4mg metafolin + 800mg buffered vit c + 500mg carnitin + 500mg bcaa a day. If i dont take the vitamines im feeling very tired and unsatisfied. I have tried many different dosages this is the best I know for me. Im on it for a few weeks. Forgot it: My libido is nice on this mix. Without cymbalta my libido is bad and with more cym my lib is also bad ;) Im very slow metabolizer on most of the meds.
    1 point
  22. Depression definitely doesn't mean you can never have a relationship. Some people will run away because it's too hard or they don't understand, but some people will stick around. I worry sometimes about being a burden on my boyfriend, but when I ask he very sincerely tells me that it's worth it because of who I am and how much he loves me. It sounds like you are working really hard at controlling your mental health, and that's the most important thing, both for yourself and for any relationship. Best of luck to you in finding someone amazing!
    1 point
  23. Oh, I want to add something to my last post. While experience in one relationship does not necessarily translate to experience in building another, there is an exception to that. One thing that previous experience is good for is knowing YOURSELF and figuring out what you do and don't want in a relationship and how you can communicate your needs. But you can still do that on your own with some self reflection and by being honest to yourself. It's just something to be aware of.
    1 point
  24. I met my partner when he was 33, and he had little sexual experience and no experience in creating or maintaining the sort of relationship we have. I was 22 at the time and despite the fact that he's 11 years older I had more sexual and relationship history. It's sort of a long story, which I can tell you if you are curious. But the point is that none of his inexperience mattered. He was honest and cared about me and when he didn't know how to do something he asked me what would work for me. He treated me like an individual he wanted to get to know better. Every relationship is different anyway. Just like everyone has different sexual needs, everyone also has different desires in terms of how much attention and affection they want and a different style of communication. So even if you had dated dozens of people you would still need to figure out how to create and maintain a relationship with a new person. For instance, when I started dating my boyfriend I had 8 or 9 years of serious dating experience under my belt (I know that sounds like a lot for someone so young. It's another long story ...), but I still had to adjust to a lot of things about him. Learning things like how to communicate well so that arguments don't become fights and figuring out how to spend enough time together without anyone feeling claustrophobic are things every new relationship involves. I know that sounds like a lot of work and not very fun, but the thing is, if you care about each other, learning these things feels rewarding and exciting and is part of falling in love. So don't be afraid of your lack of experience. Anyone who thinks that makes you a bad partner is probably looking for a cookie-cutter relationship and not a relationship that is as unique as the people in it. I realize that this only addresses half of your concern, and I really do think that your depression may be clouding your view of yourself and making you convinced you are unlovable when you aren't, but the part that I talked about is just what I am most familiar with.
    1 point
  25. Ok, I'm notorious for romanticizing things, especially my life's ambitions. It hit me pretty hard today. I've had stomach ills twice within a week, and so today I had to take a step back and take it easy, sleeping in and lounging around the house. Admittedly, my self-esteem can suffer when I'm sick because I'm not getting stuff done, I'm being a leech, I'm not going anywhere in life, etc. Hold oooon! Ok, it's spring break. I deserve to relax and have a good time! Plus, I'm sick. Stressing out and working isn't going to make me well. It will only make matters worse. Then it brought up the whole feed in my mind on what I should be doing, how I should live my life, etc. I actually took the moment to listen to my thoughts. An odd combination of remembering the dreams and games I played as a girl, the themes in Disney princess movies I took as life fact growing up along with my fundamentalist background, contrasted with the themes in Star Trek and Chrono Trigger (my current deviations), and the "should" feed going through my head, I had several significant breakthroughs. First off, the Disney princess themes. Basically, all of them seem to point to the fact that a woman needs a man to be happy. As a girl, we would watch these movies and other romantic comedies, Jane Austen, etc that all center around a woman finding a perfect man to make her life complete. This also was a part of my fundamentalist, patriarchal beliefs. While we weren't extreme by any means, finding "God's perfect match" was always a big theme in my life. In fact, I spent most of my life being obsessed about finding the right man to love me. And then the games I played as a child were always epic in nature. I would combat great evil, do amazing feats, be the best, stand out, etc. There was always something great to be done, some hidden battle to be sought out, and once I found it, I was going to put my all into it. With my former faith, I had this battle. I would be combating unbelief. I would fight to remain faithful and devout. I was devoted to loving others in the faith and helping them stay in it, too. My life's mission was to serve God until the very end, which would hopefully be a glorious end "for his sake". I knew how to figure out what to do to always remain faithful. I was devoting myself more and more, which is how I defined my life and how I "made good use of it". I was going to get rewarded by spending my whole life on following God. Then it stopped making sense. Now I'm at a point where instead of seeing my life as doing a bunch of great and wonderful things, now simply existing is a wonderful miracle in and of itself. Instead of seeing my life as something to be spent (like money), I'm seeing it as a time to be enjoyed. And I'm still figuring it out. When I realized today that I was stressing out over what I was going to do today so that I don't "waste my life", I realized that that's just a bunch of old programming. Sure, the thought of living as I am now for the rest of my life terrifies me, but I know that it's not going to last. But even if it did, my life is worth so much already, anyway. Does doing things give it more worth and value? No.... I know there are some haters, but the themes in Star Trek are appealing to me. One of the things in Star Trek: The Next Generation that Captain Picard says to a 20th Century man has come back to haunt me. The 20th Century man is devastated because his wealth that he invested is now gone in the 24th Century. Captain Picard explains to him that in this century, everyone has their material needs met and that the accumulation of wealth is a thing of the past. The 20th Century man asks him (paraphrased), "Then what is man's struggle?" This is a basic premise that man needs something to work for, to fight for. Since fundamental needs are met, what is the battle in this era? Picard's answer was profound to me, as it seemed to answer my own personal questions and issues. He said (paraphrased) that man's battle is with himself. Now I know this theme is also found in a million other places, but in this context it really harmonized with me. I've been seeking, outside of me, for meaning for my own life. I look for things to have (a husband, validation from others) and things to accomplish to bring my life meaning and purpose. But what if the real battle is already going on inside of myself. What if my real life battle of depression and working through it is my life's greatest accomplishment? What if I don't have to go out and search for glory? What if it's just buried here, inside of me, that I'm struggling with and fighting everyday? I've been playing the classic SNES game Chrono Trigger, #2 on IGN's top 100 RPGs of all time, and as it's a game about time travel, it's been making me think about my life a lot, but also about human progress. Life is such a complicated, beautiful thing. I wish I didn't try to quantify it so much and that I would just let it be. I've already had a pretty full life thus far, and I hope to cram so much more into it in the many, many years to come! (...but wait. that's still quantifying it. crap! still learning....) Taking care of myself one day at a time...
    1 point
  26. sophielouise31

    Blog #6

    Don't just spread happy. Be happy. Don't just be happy. Spread happy.
    1 point
  27. lonesoul

    Fed Up.

    Adding to this... I hate that making time for a relationship is considered "needy", "too available". I hate having this idea that I need to pretend to be busy to keep the other person interested. It's lying, I don't lie. Do I really have to play these games? I'm not a doormat. I'll tell you what I want and I'll tell you what I don't want. I enjoy things besides you, just as you have a life outside of our relationship. Balance is everything. I just think a relationship is something significant, it's not just something you do to pass the time, or something you hold on to until you find a better one. I just hope there's some interesting girl out there on the same wavelength... Heck, I usually laugh at people who do, but I'm liking my own post this time, lol.
    1 point
  28. When I was younger, from the age of 2 to the age of 12. I went to a place during the days when my parents were working, every weekday from 3pm to 4pm during school, and from 9am-4pm during the summer. Had two friends that also stayed there, best friends I ever had. We would play there, all day, non-stop. I suppose that's all that I have to say about it, but, I can't remember a single time that I was upset there, and I can't think about it without tearing up. My friends there moved a few years ago, and I haven't seen them in over 4 years now.
    1 point
  29. Sheepwoman

    Medication - Help?

    Per Obamacare, your parents must provide you (via their insurance) with health insurance coverage until you are 26. Get the insurance info and give them a call. They can give you a list of mental health providers in your area. Your records are private now since you are no longer a minor. That means no one can see your medical or mental health records without your written permission. Sheepwoman
    1 point
  30. Thank you all for ur replies! It has taken me a lot of time to find out what I want to study and I think I have a pretty good plan now (finally) It has taken me many years to figure out what I could be good at. I barely even started studying and already I worry so much about whats gonna happen afterwards. I met my family and relatives today and they are all good at finding jobs and working and figuring out what to do at a young age. I feel like such an ***** being 23 years old already. I feel like such a failure... I wish I could say I want to be a nurse, a teacher, a pilot or a fireman. My life would have been soo much eaiser! :P
    1 point
  31. Thank you everyone for sharing. It just re-affirms what we're fighting for. There has to be hope for us, even though we're unable to feel hopeful about the future.
    1 point
  32. Hi Joe. Thanks for starting this topic. Good idea. I miss being able to make other people happy. I use to do nice things for people and show love and gratitude. Now, I just shy away from others and live in my own selfish misery. I miss enjoying planning holidays and having fun going on them. Now there's nowhere I want to go and nothing I want I see or do. I miss having the drive and motivation to get things done. Now I have no desires to do anything. I miss being funny and jovial for my kids. Playing and dancing with them and really enjoying it. Now, I just encourage them to entertain themselves whilst I lay down and pass time on the internet or doing nothing because nothing really interests me.
    1 point
  33. Hey bluebell :) I can relate with you to an extent in that I'm a bit introverted as well, just not as severe as you. I don't get out much mostly because I don't have a lot of friends but even when I did have quite a few, I didn't like going out much. I've always enjoyed my time alone. To touch on what you were talking about and asking, I'm really sorry to hear about your bad experiences. Unfortunetly there are a lot of people like this in the world. Many people almost seem to wake up angry or miserable and often times bring others down with them. As many bad experiences as you had, I'm sure you had good ones too. I'm sure a few people said thank you when you opened the door for them and I'm sure many people didn't look at you in a mean or offensive way. This is kind've just the world we live in today although I'm sure it may have had a lot to do with location as well. I went down to Orlando Flordia to visit my grandfather not too long ago and the people were so friendly compared to where I'm from (NY). There are plenty of great people in this world that I'm sure would love to meet you and befriend you. Please don't let these terrible experiences prevent you from trying to be social. (((hugs)))
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  34. @ hippocampus: you are probably correct, he hasn't done anything illegal, but I hope you see his behavior as unethical and he has been unprofessional in dealing with you as a patient based on what you shared. I pray you'll have clarity of mind and good judgment the next time you see him. Live and love, -Im
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  35. Hi Distressed890, Welcome to the Forum! I am sorry to read of your situation. I can identify with it quite a lot. You articulate the feelings and moods very well. I have suffered bouts of depression for many years. I was greatly helped . . . I guess I should say that my life was saved by doctors. I was also helped by a kind of self-help therapy called Cognitive Behavior Therapy. You might want to visit a doctor. Here's why. Recent research has linked at least some depression to disease pathology in the brain. I am not a doctor and cannot diagnose you but a qualified physician can. The research has linked depression to atrophy [loss of volume through shriveling up] of an important region of the brain. The atrophy can represent a volumetric loss of as much as 20% in severe, long-standing depressions. Other research has linked even a family history of depression with a thinning of areas of the outer surface of the brain [cerebral cortex]; a thinning that can represent a 28% loss and even more in those suffering actual depression. Is there any history of depression in your family? Now the research I mentioned is supportive, not conclusive and can be validated, invalidated or reinterpreted by larger studies, longer-term studies and new discoveries. But if these studies are validated, I think you can see how depression can be involved in disease pathology and how a visit to a doctor can be in order. There are studies that link antidepressant chemotherapy with not only a normalization of brain function, but even a reversal of atrophy in some cases. So I am not suggesting a visit to a doc just to make your life harder. I certainly don't want to make your life harder! But in my own case, a visit to a doc was life saving. Evidence-based therapies like Cognitive Behavior Therapy are also linked with restoration of brain function. Depression is often involved in a narrowing of perspective. One might see one's weaknesses or failures in life with a scanning electron microscope while forgetting the trillions of good things one has done in life and seeing them through a radio telescope. One can sometimes lose one's moral perspective and see all mistakes in this realm as equivalent to each other. Sometimes a person will overtly or secretly feel like a "bad" person because of some moral error. Cognitive Behavior Therapy can help one to widen a perspective narrowed by the illness of depression. For example, in the last hundred years Adolf Hitler was responsible for the deaths of over 9,000,000 men, women and children. But a person suffering depression can think their own moral failures are "equivalent" to the "badness" of such actions, when they are not. Sometimes one can take "ideals" to extremes. This is another point in CBT. We can psychologically beat up our brain for what we see as its "failure" to make us: the ideal son or daughter, the ideal friend or companion, the ideal student or hard worker, the ideal "male" or "female," the ideal popular, attractive or successful person. Sometimes we can mentally beat ourselves up secretly or unconsciously or barely consciously. Ideals are important if they are based on realistic expectations. But ideals are concepts and abstractions. Our brain, on the other hand, is REAL not abstract. We can "beat up" our real brain for its failure to live up to abstract concepts. Some of the concepts are not only abstract but are imaginary. Movies often create one-dimensional fictional characters who are super heroes and so on. We can introject these ideals and beat ourselves up over our failure to attain them. Sometimes it can just help to talk to someone about one's feelings and thoughts and moods. The people here on this Forum have helped me immensely and I hope you will find the same here. No one is an expert on you but you and I am certainly not in your shoes. So if anything I have said here seems unhelpful and doesn't ring true to you, please accept my apologies and please allow me to substitute my best hopes and wishes for you in place of my poor words! Depression can be a brutal and savage illness. But it is very treatable. You sound very articulate and I hope you recover the joy of life again and very, very soon too! All good things to you. It is nice to meet you and again . . . welcome to the Forum!!!
    1 point
  36. Has anyone here felt better after cutting down on the number of times you look up your guy online? This is a new month and I want to try this experiment of only allowing myself a certain number of times to search for my guy on Twitter and look at message boards and websites devoted to him, things like that. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who suffers from OCD or at least OCD-like symptoms. I don't have physical rituals, but I feel anxious when I don't constantly check for news on my guy. I get afraid that I'm going to miss something, like new photos or quotes. When there is new information (for the lack of a better word), the information just feeds my obsession even more. When there isn't new information, then I just wasted my time. This checking can add up to a lot of time every day. This month, I want to cut down on the checking in hopes that it will reduce my overall fixation on this man. I know it will be hard at first, but I'm planning to allow myself three times a day to do my checking and then hopefully cut down from there. I don't have a lot going on my life right now, which makes it harder not to use my free time to do my checking. Wish me luck!
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  37. I must also say that it is the same across both sides of my family...my fathers family is full of hugs and love, and my mothers side is as well, even though my mothers side is a large Hispanic family, my uncles and aunts give us so much love that they did not have growing up. I am also lucky that my husbands family is the same way. I have made it through my depression because of the unconditional love and support that completely surrounds me. That's so lovely to hear. Even though my experience wasn't like this, it just warms my heart to know that you had such lovely parents and that their outwardly loving nature is helping you.
    1 point
  38. Don't anticipate failure... You have no idea what the girls you will meet have gone through and what they like or don't like. Will it turn off some girls? Probably. Will some of them be indifferent towards your lack of experience? Probably. Will some of them like it? Probably. Keep hoping that each new girl you meet will fall in the latter two categories. You don't need to find 10000 girls in these categories, you only need to find one. Like other areas of life, experience also creates preconceptions. You expect certain outcomes to follow certain causes. In relationship terms, that's called "baggage". For example, if you are someone who is very social and you meet a girl whose previous boyfriend was really social as well, but he ended up cheating on her, she might be quite wary of your social behavior even if you're totally faithful. This kind of anxiety can strain a relationship and even prevent it from happening. On the other hand, that girl who has been hurt by a cheating ex might see your lack of experience as a good thing. She has more reasons to trust someone who has never had anyone else before since you're obviously not some casanova who can charm girls into his bed at every turn.
    1 point
  39. Subliminal

    I've Given Up.

    Hahah.. i know it's not really nice to be laughing now, but a lot of us have experienced that or are experiencing that now, and i'm actually glad you won't feel alone in this now that you're with the forums. "i truly hate living this way" and the rest of everything in that paragraph is almost on point with what I wrote in my journal 8 years ago. i was so afraid and hurt too. i know exactly where you're coming from. Keep writing in your personal journal/blog or continue posting in the forums (if you prefer) and interact with your mind and those who're currently (in the forums) going thru this too. This will sound like typical advice, but this is a 'strength' you can gather and you have the opportunity now to keep gathering strength. we're always here to listen to you. we're all going thru a fight of our own, as "blissful" as our posts may seem to come across or sound when read. subliminal
    1 point
  40. The fact that you're being treated for your illness is a sign that you want to improve yourself and have the ability to love others, so yes, I think that you deserve a relationship as much as anyone else does. Having a meaningful relationship is one of the reasons I decided to seek treatment and started medication, because I want to be capable of loving someone and conveying that love but I am emotionally unable to do that. You are not a burden. You are a wonderful human being who deserves all of the positive emotions that makes life worth living.
    1 point
  41. Teec

    What Do You Truly Miss?

    I miss reading, not being scared, feeling in control, being someone who's on time, being someone reliable, being someone I like.
    1 point
  42. I miss being able to draw and write. I used to enjoy these things so much, but now it just feels like work. I can't write or draw anything without hating it, or fearing that everyone else will hate it. I never used to be so afraid of putting myself out there. I wish I knew what happened there. I miss people being willing to talk to me. I used to be outgoing and pleasant to be around. Now I'm just a negative lump that no one wants to be anywhere near. I always say stupid things and alienate people. I've lost plenty of friends and gained none since I started high school. They just keep dropping out of my life like flies and there's nothing I can do about it. I miss the times when I didn't have to worry about anything. When I was just a kid. I didn't have to think about a job or what university I'm going to or whether or not I'll be in debt for the rest of my life. I'm leaving high school and being thrown into the real world in a few months and I'm not prepared at all. I'm breaking under the pressure to be perfect so I can get into the best school and get the best education so I can get the best job and live the best life ever. I guess what I'm essentially trying to say is that I miss having the ability to be happy. I miss having control over my emotions and my life. Simpler times when nothing really mattered and life wasn't to be taken so seriously...
    1 point
  43. So I'm a girl and I'm in a relationship, and I'll just comment with my own perspective. I hope I don't come across as rude, but I want to be really honest with you. For one thing, in my experience, being in a relationship is not a magical cure for depression. It's just not. I have been depressed, even suicidal, both on my own, with boyfriends I didn't care that much about and with the love of my life. Being in a relationship can be great and satisfying, but it's not all there is to life and it won't cure your depression. Don't be afraid of being awkward when you kiss or even have sex with a girl for the first time. Every girl is different and likes different things. So just communicate and ask her what she likes and doesn't like and how she likes things. She will likely appreciate your concern for her enjoyment and consider you a better lover than some experienced guy who doesn't really care about her. Next, attracting girls is tricky business, but here is the trick: Don't try to attract the generic idea of "girl." You aren't looking for any girl who will date you. That is counterproductive and even if it does work will likely result in a less satisfying relationship. I know it's frustrating to hear, but before you can date someone you have to understand a little about yourself and have a life outside a relationship or the desire for a relationship. You have to have interests or hobbies. That will a) make you a more interesting and therefore attractive person and b) help you figure out what sort of woman you want to date. Once you find an interest, start getting into it and meet other people with the same interest. Then use it as a low-pressure social situation to expand your social circle. Don't approach every girl as the potential One, but if you see someone you are interested in, ask them out. Treat dating like a fun way to figure out if you like each other enough to be serious, not as a high-pressure situation where you have to make it work and fall in love at all costs. That will make her feel more comfortable and less likely to bail. Basically, the goal in dating isn't to not be alone anymore; the goal in dating is to find someone who is cool and who you click with and then spend a lot of time together. If a woman feels like you are desperate to date anyone, she will be turned off. If she sees you as someone who has shared personality traits and interests and values with her and you get along as people, she is more likely to want to date you. A last note: Some people just don't want to date someone with depression. These are people you probably shouldn't date anyway because you won't be compatible. But if you find the right person, they will like you and think you are a good person and want to support you. If you are keeping your end of the bargain and doing all you can to manage your depression, they will be willing to support you through the bad times. Sorry for the long post, and I hope that this wasn't too harsh. I know that this advice feels big and frustrating, but it is what my experience and my friends' experience says works best.
    1 point
  44. 'Gauze' Deftones subliminal
    1 point
  45. Allergies affect my moods, sometimes powerfully. I have never researched the science behind this. I became allergic to wheat after a bout of violent food poisoning. My immune systems now falsely identifies wheat gluten as a dangerous threat to my health and launches an all out attack. The attack inflames and damages my intestines and colon so they cannot properly absorb nutrients or even my medications like antidepressants. Food poisoning also gave me a hiatal hernia which has resulted in part of my stomach protruding into my esophagus. Because of the acid erosion I must take proton pump inhibitors like Prilosec. The medications reduce the acidity of my stomach, allowing proteins to pass into my lower GI tract which shouldn't be there. This causes my immune system to attack these too. And so it becomes a vicious circle. I suspect there is a connection between allergic reactions and depression although I am ignorant of the research. It is interesting that the first antidepressant discovered was actually an antihistamine. Patients in a mental hospital who were given this antihistamine for allergies saw their depressions resolve. Some of the early antidepressants were actually variations of chemical antihistamines. I'm thinking Tofranil [imipramine hydrochloride]. I think you are on to something with your question Grovette!
    1 point
  46. Hello @Cyberpunk Great to hear from you so soon! :) To be realistic, there isn't a definitive answer.. All of us in the forums are reaching to the 'Flexible' realm, But Seeking help gives you "room to breathe" and consider the necessary options to get you on your way. Psychologists and Psychiatrists can give you insight and ways you can reflect upon as solutions, possibly even medicinal treatment if deemed necessary. I'll be frank, there is no magic cure. All of us have had to "work" and put in effort to progress. In fact, I just joined a social anxiety meet up group - which I have never done before, because now I'm having a difficult time not leaving the house so much as well and I want to help myself. I know it sounds unreachable. You need to "make the effort" to seek the help. Journalling, writing down your thoughts and posting in the forums like you're doing now can be therapeutic in the meantime - Which is what you're already doing! Seeking help :) OR do something that you're maybe better used to at expressing.. like playing guitar i.e. I have been sharing in with this site for quite some time, ups and downs and it has been helping me along the way. You've done step 1 which is reaching out to the community. Step 2 is where you seek 'Professional' help. subliminal
    1 point
  47. Welcome, Lauren Elizabeth. Good for you, that you took this step to get help. There are people here who care about your feelings. You can share what's on your mind here because nobody here is perfect, either. I think of this Forum as a No-Shame Zone. That's why i ilke it here.
    1 point
  48. Hi Both and thank you for your replys :) Truth is i feel very feminine, i do not seem to fit in as a man any more, people see it a mile away when i go out, no matter how much i try to look male i just cant pull it of convincingly any more, which is why im even thinking about doing this. I have large breasts and a very feminine looking figure, my whole persona has changed with this condition and i hate to admit but i am very feminine in many of my characteristics, this is something i have tried to stop but trying to fight how you body and mind naturally want to be is a lost cause. I have had very subtle changes in my voice over the past 18 months, so i sound like a stereo typical gay man i guess. All these changes have made me consider living as a woman. Its so hard because i know nothing about being a woman, i know nothing about clothes and make-up and how to even be, i do not even know my chest size. I have never worn a bra as yet, i have always had to wear a very uncomfortable compression vest to try and hide my chest, it barely works any more and i hate it, so i have decided to buy my first bra, which im finding scary, i have tried to measure myself and hope its accurate because im buying online. But its things like these that i need help and advice with, i need a friend, im just so alone. Again huge thanks for your help to both of you, it means so much to me :) xxx
    1 point
  49. If the Zoloft was helping at 50 mg at first, but not anymore, I'd probably talk to the pdoc about upping the dosage before switching to something else, especially given your experiences with Wellbutrin. 50 mg is not that high of a dose. I'm presently on 100 mg and am considering talking to my doc about upping it just a bit too. I am in remission from my depression, but I think a slight increase in the dosage may help keep my depression-free longer. Best wishes on talking to your doctor!
    1 point
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