Wow... March 1st already... where did February go?? I thought that the time would drag more because I am not working. I find it hard to believe that I have been off for 2 months already. This brings so many mixed emotions. I am a hard worker and give my all when I am working. Now I give my all but it doesn't feel like I am accomplishing much at all. I think back to all I would do when I was working and how I rarely took time to sit, never mind work on a craft or work on me. Now, I am supposed to look at organizing my apartment a little at a time, doing 30 min of work in my workbook each day, and crocheting as an accomplishment. What a difference. I am told I am being too hard on myself. It's hard not to be. It's definitely been a busier week for me. I had an appoinment with my mental health worker, family doc, been to my workplace twice, out to pick up a few things at the store a couple times, and out for coffee with a friend once. Definitely have met my goal of leaving my apartment once or twice a week. It is so hard to leave, as my apartment has become my safety net. I still have to identify what causes so much anxiety when I hear people in the hall or when I am trying to prepare to go out. I'm now having increased anxiety when driving in town. I seem fine when driving on the highway though. Once I get back though, I have such a strong need to get back to my apartment NOW!!! And then I become very negative towards myself for behaving in this way or feeling this way. And it is soooo exhausting. :verysad3: My appointment with my mental health worker went alright. I have been seeing the intake worker for the last two sessions while I wait to be assigned a worker who is supposed to do counselling with me. At the end of the session this week, I asked her if she was now my worker, to which she said she will be because it would be another 4 weeks before I would be asigned one. She told me this 6 weeks ago. She also asked me if we had discussed my also working with a psychiatrist to which I reminded her that she was going to arrange an appointment for me and get back to me with a date. She then called to book the appointment and stated she was sorry that I wouldn't get in to see him until mid April. It was 6 weeks ago that she was going to make this appointment for me. She also told the person who she made the appointment with that she has not yet entered me into their system, but would later that day. So, in my opinion, this means that 6 weeks ago she should have entered my info to open a file for me, but didn't and this is why I had not been assigned a mental health worker nor psychiatrist before now. Not sure how I feel about this. I will continue to work with her and then determine if she is a good match for me or not. My session two weeks ago, she was going to photocopy a workbook for me to work through for anxiety. She didn't have that ready for this session. I know how it feels to have too many clients and not be able to get things done. But, in my opinion, if it affects the service to the client, it needs to be rectified. Like I said, just my opinion. 6 weeks ago she was concerned because of my suicide ideation and ways she deemed I was doing self harm. But not doing the follow up as she had told me she was going to do has me questioning if what she saw in my assessment really is anything to be concerned about. Aww heck... I know I am not her only client, I don't know how long she has been in this field, and will cut her some slack. My appointment with my family doc went ok. She filled out papers I needed for work. She increased the dose of my Effexor and added Trazodone. I am pleased that the Trazodone is helping me to sleep again!! I no longer have 1-4hrs before meds help me to be sleepy enough to go to sleep. Have to get used to the fuzzy brain I get as a side effect from either of these. She believes that I should return to work instead of stay at home. I felt she was not hearing me about my anxieties which make it hard to leave home and then cause me to have a very strong need to return home once I do get out. I don't feel strong enough to be able to hide what is going on for me so that I am present and in control of my emotions/anxieties when working with my clients. My clients need me to be 100% present and focused on their needs... not my needs. She also told me that being on meds is just a crutch for the time being. She wrote in the report to my employer that she believes I need more cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), and stated to me that with working more on the workbook she gave me, I will be better and not have need for meds. I like the idea of not needing the meds. I don't believe that just working through this book will get me better. I believe I need to work on the issues that has gotten me to the point I am. There has to be someone out there willing to do the work I believe I need to do. I want to break the cycles I find myself in.... work excessively as an avoidance behaviour, choosing abusive partners and staying with them because I don't think I will do better or because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I want to stop hurting myself by not taking better care of myself. I want to do inner child work so that I can help the hurt little girl inside of me to heal. I do agree that CBT will help me to a degree. It is suppose to help me to better be able to control my depression, to increase my self-esteem, and in turn teach me to think in a more positive way towards myself and how I see things that are going on or not going on around me. In my opinion, I need more than just CBT. My family doc is a 2 hr drive from where I live. I have wonderful friends who live in that area, so was able to get together with them for a visit. They want me to come up for a week to get away from everything here for a while. That caused instant anxiety at the thought of being away from home that long. I told them that I will work on being able to stay away from home a night first and work up to more than that. One week all at once doesn't feel comfortable at all at this point. Talking with them helped me to get some insite on some of my anxieties. ************************** WARNING ~ POSSIBLE ABUSE TRIGGER ************************** I have a very irrational fear of being seen when I leave my apartment. I also have increased anxieties when I hear someone climbing the stairs in the hall or walling in the hall on the floor my apartment is on. My friend suggested it was because of not dealing with something that happened back in June. A person I had escaped from found out where I had moved to. He gained access to the house and when he knocked on my door, I opened it thinking it was my neighbor. Usually the front door is closed, and it automatically locks once the key is removed from the lock. When I saw it was not my neighbor, I tried to close the door, but he is much stronger than I am and he forced his way into my apartment. He was there to deliver a warning to me about what he would do if I caused any problems for him by reporting his past actions to anyone. He presented himself as a caring person when we first met, and in the name of "helping" me, scammed me out of thousands of dollars, loss of possessions such as my vehicle, computer and laptop, and physically and sexually assaulted me before I was able to relocate to a place many miles from the city we were living in at the time. I lived in a remote location for 6 months and moved to the city I live in now. I felt safe in the place I was first living because he had no reason to come to this city and because of the safety features of the front door. My place was small and I kept my personal life to myself with my new job, so no one came to visit. After he found me, I moved again to a more secure building and have taken many measures to ensure my whereabouts is not easily tracked. He has many contacts that feed him info. I've been very careful to make sure these contacts cannot assist him in locating me again. My girlfriend helped me to connect my current fears with that event. I have to say that I just might agree with her. Weird how it feels good to be able to find a possible connection.... now I can learn to deal with it so one day I can leave it behind me. ************************* END OF POSSIBLE TRIGGER ******************************** Well, looking at the time, I see I have to wrap this up for now. I am meeting a friend and need to get ready. Big part of me just wants to go back to bed. LOL I always enjoy our visits, and the time does fly when we are together. But if I don't get moving, I will be late. Didn't realize how much I had to write today. That's what I get for not writing each day like I said I had promised myself that I would do. I have to amend that promise... I will write each day if I am able. Some days the words just don't come and I have to accept that and be okay with it. Thanks to all that have been reading my blogs. Hope you all have a GREAT day!!