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Showing content with the highest reputation on 02/15/2012 in all areas

  1. 1 point
    So tomorrow I steel up and hope to start my new part time job, and then roll into visits with both pdoc and therapist. Then I may be starting a paying part time job on Thursday doing some data entry work for an acquaintance. Worried about both but I know I can do it, no more fear of dying or burning to death. I sat my head down and did a lot of meditation on this issues I've been having and found a clear spot that I can concentrate on if the baddies arise. Hope it works. This morning I got out of my car and a lady approached me, wished me a Happy Valentines day and gave me some chocolates. Never seen her before, it was a pretty neat gesture of kindness. That made my day. Those random acts of kindness go a long way. I'm going to pay it forward tomorrow. That's something to look forward to. Later:cat_jumps:
  2. 1 point
    I don't think depression is just caused by your life going badly, as said in the above posts it has many factors. @Dragon_baby, like you I think I have had biological/brain disorder since I was born. Certainly your life situation can cause or exacerbate depression, I do believe it is a physiological disorder, but our experiences are part of that physology so what we experience in life I believe can affect the biochemical processess in our brain. For example, in my case most of my life I was able to deal with the problems, in fact I didn't even realize I had problems. Most of my life was fairly normal and good. But now after 7 years of major depression/bipolar/ocd I can look back and see the signs that my thought patterns/response/urges/emotions where always a little off. For the first 30 years these symptoms where mild and not really noticable or I just learned to deal without acknowlodging them as a problem. But eventually something finally snapped and the problems became dominant. Everyone has negative thoughts desires temtpations self loathing worthlessness ect, but normally they pass relatively quickly, you don't obsess on these negative thoughts. But since my mind snapped all of these normal negative thoughts about life or myself have been magnified 100 fold and it is hard to think about anything else. Normal thoughts like, when I am walking on grass I think am I ******* the ants I don't want to hurt the ants. It is almost like my brain has reverted to a child like state where I want to believe in a fantasy world where no suffering exists and everyone and everything is happy and peaceful, all people are happy, animals arent slaughtered and eatin, all things may die to go onto a better place but nothing suffers, this is what my child mind wants to believe. But my adult mind knows this is not reality and the two minds constantly struggle leaving me in a paralyzed state. How can we live life and be happy in a world where survival of the fittest is Nature. I remember thinking these thoughts before my disease fully bloomed, but like a normal person they didn't consume me, I think normal people all have these thoughts but the thoughts pass in and out without latching on and allow them to live normal lives as they should. So now these natural feelings and thougts are the main focus of my mind even though I know I need to let it go. So going back to the question, if I look back I can see that these same type of ocd of the mind as I call it existed in me since child hood, I can see plenty of times where negative thoughts and emotions where already heightend in me but I was able to cope with them becuase I didn't know they where a problem. So I think depression and other diseases of the mind can be with you from the start and not really show up until later in life where they become overwhelming. Since this disease was with you from the beginning it can unkowing influence your actions and lifestyle which can cause the problems to progress your mind can no longer cope and you snap. Ok, ranted long enough............ @CurtainFalls I just looked up at your post after posting mine and yours really hit it with me. I feel the same way, I never sign into facebook anymore becuase it makes me feel so worthless, ashamed that I dont want anyone to know what happened to me, although some friends and coworkers sorta do, but I cut the ties. I know it was wrong but I let he shame get to me and jealous that I once too had a good life, good job, successful, ect. I sometimes want to just take a peek on facebook, but am afraid people will know I signed in and I make up something paranoid stupid sh***t in my head that people will find out somethings wrong with me if I do sign in. hahaha I know that is probably not the case, but it still keeps me from signing in and reconnecting with old friends, really makes you feel alone, even though I know my friends would accept me and I wouldb't be alone, but the fear has control of me more than I of it.
  3. 1 point

    What Have You Survived

    I have survived: 1) Being sexually abused as a young child 2) Being bullied for many years in school 3) Moving to a new city when I was 9, which was very traumatic for me 4) Some very painful breakups with ex-boyfriends 5) A divorce. I'm so glad to be rid of my ex-husband. He did some horrible things. 6) OCD, panic attacks, and depression 7) My dad's death 8) I am a recovering alcoholic, I've been sober now for years. 9) Living with chronic physical pain I'm sure there are more things, but I can't think of them right now.
  4. 1 point
    I dont get mad at friends happy statuses. At times I do feel a little jealous though. They dont have to deal with mental illness and are able to live their lives to the fullest without limitations. But this is the card I was dealt so I have to try and live with it as best I can. I feel less jealous when I have something good happen for me and I share it, everyone is very supportive and happy for me as I appear to be for them.
  5. 1 point
    I have been an analytic for years, worked for a major corporation as a Vice President and had many successful projects and many successes. I have also struggled with self esteem because I am overweight and have chronic health issues and pain...I have found that once people get to know me they accept me and appreciate who I am and if they don't I realize that I don't need their approval. I have a right to be on this planet just like everyone else and so do you. Analytics often develop anxiety because they are looking at every angle and often see the negative side of things. I realize this now and so I try to put another spin on my analysis of things and add a few positive possibilities. here are no fast fixes. TDon't beat yourself up...Try to find positive affirmations. Don't know if you ever saw that move "Stewart Smalley Saves his family," but he would say: "I'm good enough and smart enough and people like me." I say that to myself and it helps.
  6. 1 point

    No Sleep

    The last couple of nights I have tried to sleep without meds, as Temazepam is habit-forming, and I wanted to see if I can do without it on days that things seem to be going well and I am calm and relaxed. Well, it doesn't work, I still can't sleep at all by myself, which makes me feel like such a failure. Yesterday I had a really good day, beginning to think that the new dose of Bupropion was working (450mg), but then I ended up getting upset with the guy I am dating, which set off hours and hours of negative obsessive thoughts, and as I only had two hours of sleep I just can't face the day. It's 10am.
  7. 1 point

    Mirtazapine And Alcohol

    Hi Butterfly91 and welcome to DF. I´m not a doctor or a nurse, but my brother is a doctor. I looked it up on the internet. It´s not recommended, but I don´t think it´s dangerous. It´s been five hours since you had this small glass of alcohol, so the risk should be minimal. You could call the ER and ask for a nurse. They will tell you immediately what to do. Best wishes and let us know how it went.
  8. 1 point

    Hellooo From Kosova

    hello Valaki, Welcome to DF. I just joined this site last week but it is full of so much help and concern and people who listen and take time to help. You are in the right place I hope you settle in here. Meirionne
  9. 1 point
    Daisy Duke

    What Really Bugs You #4

    A few petty things that bug me are: Supermarkets Crowds of people in supermarkets! Shops with the heating on full blast Tiredness Rubbish on the television
  10. 1 point
    Well, I love Valentine's Day! I consider it a day to give love to everyone, not just romantic love! I make and give Valentine's to all my family and friends and I cut out hundreds of paper valentines to give out to all the students that come in my Library. It's so nice to see their smiles! I put pins in the valentines' so they can pin them on if they want! Try not to think about it as a romantic love day, but a day to show love to everyone!
  11. 1 point
    ***raises hand*** A friend of mine on facebook wrote "happy single awareness day!" I felt that way, until I remember that is also a friendship day, so I thanked all my friends for being my friend. Today I have ballet and I wouldn't cancel even if I had a significant other.
  12. 1 point

    What Really Bugs You #4

    Racism bugs me. Especially when it comes from a family member.
  13. 1 point

    How Do You Help Yourself?

    There are times when I find it hard to literally get out of the bed. I force myself out by rolling out of and falling on the floor. Once I'm up and think about how nice a cup of coffee will taste and then start my "Mindfulness" exercise which helps to distract my mind from how awful I may be feeling. Then step by step I start getting myself together by jumping in the shower which always make a difference. This process takes me a while but before I know I feel a little better, take my meds and use my CBT skills to keep me going. Sometimes, I may be crying while I doing things but at least I'm getting it done. Eventually, I have a sense of accomplishment that I have done something and I start on the next task. The crying stops and I'm feeling much better. Lindahurt
  14. 1 point

    What Really Bugs You #4

    yes Solarflare, right now I AM glad I don't live in Canada, although I have seen beautiful photos of the scenery there and I would love to visit one day. But you are completely right: cold in England is not quite the same and some wooly socks and a bit of patience are all I need. Meirionne :)
  15. 1 point

    Faking Your Way Through Life?

    Ha, check out the post I just did on "depression & careers" - I'm stuck being an actress 9 hrs a day, M-F. I don't get how people an do this kind of work and actually care about it - but they do, I know my boss & coworkers really care. It seems like they must come from a different planet to me. But at 45, 20 yrs of it spent in this industry, I've developed a pretty good act. It is exhausting though. Home, I live alone, so I can drop the act. Yeah I isolate myself too much, as like you, its a great effort to socialize & care. I've come to the conclusion, there's some things that most people seem to understand intrisically, that I will never get, am incapable of grasping. I don't know if its my basic introverted nature, early extreme social anxiety, or depression. All I know is, I can't get it. It's actually become easier to socialze informally since I accepted that fact about myself. Less pressure. The other people can be the cool, savvy ones. I'm okay being the outwardly friendly, mostly quiet but obviously well meaning, clueless one, who always has to have the joke explained to her (sometimes multiple times!) Anyway I hope you keep tyring - I've found it's better if I force myself to go out socially as much as I can muster the energy for, even though my strong inclination is to hide at home. The energy is worth it, ultimately, most of the time. The feeling of 'disassociation' does come and go in its severity for me. Sometimes I think most people aren't any more with it than me, they are just better, more consistent actors. Who knows.
  16. 1 point

    How To Get To That First Appointment

    To this day I still cannot believe that I went through with seeing a counsellor that very first time. I was scared out of my mind. Basically, I said to myself that either I will do this and get a shot at changing things, or I won't do it and things will stay the same. It's one or the other and I am making a decision to take control and push change in my life.
  17. 1 point

    Relationship Poll #2

    I am married to a wonderful man who loves me despite my being mentally ill. We've been married for almost 11 years.
  18. 1 point
    Hello..first post here.. so if it's a trigger to someone then sorry.. I'm just stating a view here.. I'm 52 and in 1977 the US Navy discharged me with 'personality disorder' and ever since then I've resented and rejected psychologists and have had to deal with several and their associated minions all the way down to the security guards hired to "protect me from myself" to 'drug counselors" who never so much as smoked a cigarette much less use any of the drugs they counsel people about. Over the years I've had several suicide attempts. Now at 52 I've had a lot of time to think back on all of it and I realize it never really mattered. My life is just one more body on earth...nothing particularly special and at the same time very unique in my own right. I have just a few people who even matter one iota to me. My daughter means much to me, my father is someone I highly admire and the old woman I am the caregiver to has become my second mother to me. There are others who matter to a lesser degree, but I can live with or without them. I've lost all the loves i ever had and they've all just vanished out of my life as if they never existed as if I was supposed to just wipe all memory of them from my psyche.. Now at this point in time I'm able to just do that. If someone rejects me I forget them and move on. My son has quit calling or communicating and at first it hurt, but now he's just a faded memory like all the rest.. I've self taught myself how to blot them out and not dwell on whatever pain was ever there.. This brings me to my current condition of my health. My body is finally giving up. My legs are literally like sticks and to weak to hold my own weight much longer than 20 minutes or so and walking is near impossible without a cane and everything is now heavy no matter the weight.. I've been to doctors and have yet to get diagnosed with anything other than nerve pain and muscle mass loss and weakness. I was a IV drug addict for several years and underwent nearly 10 yrs of counseling and treatment of methadone and recently got myself completely off all opiates except the occasional hydrocodone for pain and gabapentin for nerve pain and in all this I learned if nothing else. I'll die someday and likely soon and i accept that. I don't have any 'faith' in any spooks, boogiemen, gods, allah's or spiritual anythings because all that is just self medicating comfort for pain in our lives hoping we get to survive death. Maybe we do, but I seriously doubt it so that's merely my own opinion. If others want to believe in gods then knock yourselves out..pray away. I used to think I was the one screwed up because i was told i was screwed up, but over the many years I have meet so many so called "normal" people immensely more screwed up than me. One need look no further than TV to find the ultra screwed up bunch and they get daily exposure to us and sell us on how to be screwed up. That's why I very seldom turn on the boob tube. So..I quit trying to end my life myself and now I just take care of an old woman and if life throws me a bone then great. if it throws me the crap then I might change my tune, but for now i just deal with my many heaping doses of daily problems and pain and go on.. If someone doesn't like me they can go online and do a search for where to buy a ticket to get in line to buy a ticket..the line is pretty darn long now. I'm just getting on with life for better or worse. If someone walked in the room this second to end my life i wouldn't care. I'd be dead. I guess i said to much.
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