Leaderboard

So I bit the bullet and asked her out, myself and Gemma will be having a few drinks later 😏

I fit in inside this house I guess or out with the animals. I enjoy seeing the animals the whole year watching them grow up. I get to see cows go from babies that first walk to adults. That makes me happy.

@aterrou I do the same--chat with online friends far more than hanging out with people "in real life." I'm always self-conscious of my appearance and how I come across so I try to avoid direct contact as much as possible. People do say that I'm "funny" when they meet me (presumably in a good way) but it's just me trying to deflect attention from my bizarre personality I think.

The new place that I had to take my car to get serviced today had a sign in the front with a cow with a pig standing on it's back and there was a bird standing on the pig. I started laughing hysterically to the point where I leaned forward and that made my frog key chain make a ribbit sound and that made me laugh hysterically more.

1000 days sober for me today 😄

She is getting better. She's with some of the best doctors in the country right now.

I've always been the same way. I have always spoke my mind and spoke the truth at jobs. That's the last thing they want for someone to make sense of the situation. We're expected to shut up and go along with everything even if we look around at everything around us and see that we're going down in the ocean on the Titanic.

Yup! There have been times I have come here, read some posts, maybe put a response (smiley) at the bottom of a few, and just stopped. Felt like I should contribute but not been able to think or make a move to type an entry. Other times I have typed up a post meaning it to be a short reply to something but instead found myself rambling away. Either way, I feel guilty somehow, but do not understand exactly why.

Tired. OK. Good enough. Had a low-key day but it was appreciated. Mini lion hasn't left my side all day. She is the sweetest, best behaved little cat. To think that she was abandoned is just nuts. How could they not see what a little love bug she is? 🐛💕 Their loss is my gain and all that but I wish she didn't have her chest problems from being left out in the cold for so long. I worry about it a lot 😔 She adores being fed 😍 and purrs when I'm drying her bowl ready to put the food in.... I guess she appreciates it so much because she was scavenging in bin bags to survive when they abandoned her 😑 I know this because she used to rip open the bin bags in the kitchen 😕 Happily she doesn't feel the need to do that now and is proud as punch to be in her new home (the neighbour says she sits in the window proudly lol) which is fab because she used to sit with her head pressed into her neck all of the time through fear of human hands 😡 She doesn't trust anyone but me and will stay close to me if someone comes round. I'm glad about that really because she's right. She shouldn't trust anyone she doesn't know well 😒 Don't ask me why I'm telling mini lion stories. I'm sleepy and I love her. That's it. Nite guys 😴

I signed up for an online class and am already in shambles. The first assignment is to introduce yourself on the discussion boards and everyone on there sounds so much more accomplished than me. I was just going to write a short thing but people are writing paragraphs...currently trying to think of what to write without sounding pathetic 😕 But it's nice to be a little excited for something and just focus on myself for once.

I'm nearing 1000 Days sober, trying to think of a way to celebrate. I feel like its a massive achievement that should be celebrated, just at a loss as to how. I did consider going to the pub in which i had my last drink and order some food instead, not stepped inside since i quit drinking

I'm still coasting along. Didn't sleep well last night because there was a bat in the apartment. I tried to catch him for over half an hour but he was always able to outwit me. Haha. He flew into the bedroom about 1 a.m. and fluttered around the ceiling. Both of my cats were on the bed and essentially ignored the bat. I was like, "WTF kinda cats are you guys?"

@sober4life How is your grandmother doing? I should check in I guess. I'm doing reasonably OK. Not particularly depressed but I've got a bad case of anhedonia. I simply don't care about anything. I should be in a panic because of all the work I need to do but I just cannot bring myself to give a rat's @ss. About anything.

What were the alternatives though? She would've died alone, suffering on the ground, if you hadn't been there. Strokes are so unpredictable, you wouldn't have known how things would go. Not even doctors can predict that. At least people have been able to say goodbye to her (even if not in person). Your grandma knows you did your best. I'd probably feel the same in your situation, but it's a situation that was largely out of your control. No one with a good heart is going to criticize what you did.

That's sad to hear. Hope you are coping OK Try to eat well and exercise like you normally do. It will help you to stay strong 💪

Client suddenly become less of a demanding princess Karen. Or more colleagues to share the work burden

Congratulations! That color looks nice on you 😀 Yep, it's the little things--especially relevant considering all we have going on in our world and our lives. You reminded me of that, much appreciated. "Lonely" is a human condition rather than an experience peculiar to @aterrou and we cope with it by reducing isolation. Words on screens count.

Met with management, it went better than I expected. @Atra didn't go full-melodramatic with frothy mouth and red cheeks. I let the anger and hurt sit with me hours beforehand; objects thrown, walls punched, etc. When it was time to communicate, those feelings still informed me and didn't overwhelm me. Yeah, I got triggered a few times, I ain't Buddha. I owned up to it each time it happened. Management got triggered, too. Cause @Atra no longer people-pleases by "protecting" adults from having uncomfortable feelings about something they did. Got what I needed done, said my piece. No shame and no regret. I still plan to leave this job but now it can be done on a timeline that best works for me. I believe that's a notable improvement in how I handle conflict in the workplace. Last time I left a job? I was fired and escorted from the building, holding a cardboard box of my things as my coworkers watched in amazement. I remember feeling so ashamed.

True, it's just hard. This is bringing back all kinds of memories of trying to socialize in university...which is why I'm writing this at 5 in the morning instead of sleeping! Haven't yet. Will probably talk about volunteering and hobbies that I do like once a year. Trying to convince myself no one really cares or is as neurotic as I am 😬

I actually replaced both of my toilet seats today. I suppose after 45 years it's time for new toilet seats.🤭I would bet my life that those were the original toilet seats from the 70s.😹

I had some thoughts of ending it all a few days ago. It was the first time in quite a long time, and it passed quickly, but it reminded me that although I'm going in the right direction (I think, especially compared to the beginning of this year), I still have a long way to go. I just felt hopeless and tired and thought it would just be better for myself and everyone else if I wasn't around any more. The past week or so I've taken to chatting to strangers online, just seeking some sort of feeling of momentary relief from loneliness. A strange thing to do I guess, but it's easier to do for me anonymously, I don't feel so self-conscious in a text chat, and it's somehow easier with complete strangers to open up (a bit like here!!). I've come across many rude, arrogant and/or and vapid people (maybe I'm one of them), but also one (or two perhaps) who seem like genuinely beautiful souls who are also in, or have been, in difficult situations. Of course being online and anonymous, there's no way of knowing if it's true or not, but I trust that it is to a certain extent at least. It has made me feel a bit better, as I have tried to be kind and found it reciprocated, even if only in brief words through a screen. While I can't make their lives better, or them mine, it still feels somewhat of a release, and is more of a connection than I have felt for a long time (whether truly reciprocated or not it doesn't matter, it is the way I feel about it, and am grateful for that). Sad, perhaps, but true, even though I won't of course ever meet them in person. Sorry this was a bit of a self-involved rant, but at least at the moment I have a little hope for tomorrow, which is better than it has been for a while. I hope you are all doing well, but at least being kind to yourselves.

Of course I do still have people in my life that abused me as a child in various ways. Should I move? Probably but if I do they win. It's not happening. They're not taking this place from me that I've worked so hard on not in a million years!

@Atra Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time at work. I hope things improve after your meeting next week.

Quite a bit of anxiety lately, it's been making sleep really tough which in turn makes it harder to concentrate on studying. Contributing to it is my job. I love the work but I've grown frustrated and angry with management. I set up a meeting next week to air grievances, but I dunno, maybe it's time to leave. School is causing some anxiety. The workload is pretty rigorous but I'm managing, I just don't have much balance in life between work and school. Of course, who does have balance in their life right now? Who is having fun and how? Some of the readings and discussions in my classes have been triggering, that's expected, talking about psychology and about social issues and inequity. My thoughts churning all night afterwards--you know how that is. I figure writing about this stuff, turning my insides out, will help. Usually does. Just wanna sleep.

Went to three grocery stores like a maniac to complete my shopping list in one day

Found twenty dollars at the grocery store today and ran off down the toilet paper aisle 😅

Went to the DMV to get car registration done. I was in and out in less than 10 minutes. Excellent!

I've been knocking off one thing after another from the "list" and kicking life's butt!

Haha. I happen to love bats. I feel so sorry for this one because he's probably hungry/thirsty. And he's in a panic because he's confined to that apartment. I hope to catch him sleeping so I can take him outside.

So have arranged to see Gemma again tomorrow. Its been a long time since I have felt this excited and nervous about anything. I do need to have some difficult conversations with her if we continue dating, but i will cross that bridge if and when i come to it

Hey folks! Just dropping by with some love for you all! I'm going through "something" at the moment, but I'm safe. But I've more reason to consider bipolar2 again...and yet, I don't think my highs are high enough to be seriously dangerous...or is the mixed that we worry about, because those are mentally rough for me...but still seem to be handling things ok. I just have to step away from certain environments at the time, and sadly, I have to slow down or cancel certain responsibilities...but that's no different than a physical sick day off, right?? Ugh! I'm just kinda feeling stupid and circling thoughts around, because apparently my vivid dreaming means I'm not sleeping well, and well, I was happy and enjoying my dreams before that reality hit me. 😕 I really wish i could be more active in the community, but I just have extended myself too much over the past few years and can't always be everywhere at once (though I sometimes stupidly try! :P) ok, this is plenty long. Did not mean to write so much! Lol ❤️

I don't know why my life has gotten so bad. I have really tried my whole life to work hard and do the right thing. I never got rich because that was never my intention. But that doesn't mean I'm a loser and a failure. I've just given up after being beat down by others or my mind. Why is it so hard to exit out of this world. I think it should be easier because some people really are over it. And other people just sit around without a care in the world enjoying the precious moments.

Laundry, store, dishwasher, cat walking ( sitting) now I must find a job

I feel brave. Just gave a wild cat a bath without any scratches.

@jkd_sd and @In2deep4meI agree with you. Thank you for being there for me.

Anyone else sometimes feeling pain like you have no energy or will even to come to this forum and post? This post is for when this improves a little, but no real solutions seem at hand. The red Mars sky from wildfires and sudden high heat with humidity do not help.

I got a little lift just now due to "graduating" from newbie to junior member in this forum. It's the little things 🙂 Other than that, it hasn't been the greatest week. Feeling down and distracted (or the other way around in terms of causality, possibly...). Have been feeling quite lonely, even though I still live with my soon-to-be ex-wife and children. I think I've realised that my loneliness has been around for years, with ever decreasing intimacy (emotional, but also physical) with my wife, and my gradually deepening depression meaning I've withdrawn from old friends and found it difficult to make new ones. I'm trying to work on it and become more open and kind, but it is difficult, and I'm probably holding myself back. I'm in my later 30s and I'm trying to learn how to make friends! Rather pathetic I realise. I find it easier to write to - and think I can sound relatively eloquent on occasion - than speak to people. I'm just one of those shuffle-into-the-corner guys when it comes to social situations. I can pretend for a bit, but it's exhausting.

Mom and I used to laugh when the cat would sit like a person. I saw the cow in the field earlier today sitting like a person.😲

we are all here for each other !! 🙂 i agree with that...you guys are amazing, i've said many times, i'd be lost without you guys. in reali life the people i thought were my "friends" turned out to be people who never cared, made fun of my illness, etc.. sad, but that was my reality. ..

To All: WOW!! Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I marvel at the depth and breadth of thought expressed on this site. It really helps me maintain at least some perspective when depression wraps its smothering tentacles around me. What wonderful, caring, thoughtful people you all are! 🥰 🎈

Yes. That's what was happening for me. Yes. Like, have some respect for the fact that I don't know you from Adam and you are standing in my house feeling at liberty to stroke the cat and ask me loads of personal questions. I am paying you to be there to do a job, not inviting you for dinner 😐 I have had plenty of other repair guys in etc and have felt at ease telling them some personal stuff (not that it's any of their business) but, like you said, the creep alarm was going off for me and it's been proven to me time and time again to trust my instincts on these things. Thank you for the validation. It's hard sometimes to go against the default polite mode and say no. But there are many times in life where this is precisely what's needed and I'm glad I'm learning to do this (if a little shakily). Women especially need to learn to do this. It's not cool to let people walk all over you.

Went to outpatient to get my ear checked out. Feeling much better now, though it was very, very hard to wake up. The COVID protocol at outpatient went very well, though, and overall it was a pretty good day, and tomorrow looks good, too.

I have all the outside work done I want to do except for burning the huge burn pile out there. Every time I go near that I hear chirps. I thought it was birds but it's actually a bunch of chipmunks living in there so I'm going to leave their home alone for the winter.

So i have been looking at houses to rent once my current lease has run out (house with the Ex Mrs), honestly seems that we decided to move to the most expensive part of town. Feeling excited for the fresh start

I'm envious that you have a passion in life. I used to like drawing and photography but can't be bothered anymore. Having a passion you are good at is such a gift.

Wow, that's a powerful symbol in shamanism. Change and rebirth could be about to happen for you....Er, that is if you believe in all that crap... ...If not, 🦇 happy bat hunting 😁 teach those slackers how to do it 🐈🐈

I'd love to do the same thing myself but I don't have the strength to do it after this year. There are still a lot of things that need to be fixed here before I can sell this place and a lot of those things I'm letting go until spring. A lot of the things here are good for me but at some point you use so much of that duck tape you wonder if the whole place is a duck.😊

My bestie is really dejected, life dealt him some big blows. Tonight, I listened to him on the phone as he let his despair flow. Then I told him I've always admired him and aspired to be like him in so many ways. And if now he feels like falling apart, that's okay. He was quiet for a minute and then he told me how that touched him so deeply. I love rare and tiny moments between people that burst with sincerity and vulnerability. 💞

Feeling brighter this am. I'm turning into a morning person. Who da thunk it? Not me, that's for sure. Symptoms come more at night these days and mornings find me feeling better 🤷‍♀️ I had a little chat with myself last night and told myself not to feel guilty about my choices. I'm doing the best I can. I dunno if that helped but it might have. I'm no contact with narc mom at the moment. Hence, the guilt.

lost and empty minded but maybe sometimes that is a good thing rather having nothing in my head and be lost rather than fighting a feeling that I don't know I could handle or not/