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I'm doing better than I was yesterday. Five hours of sleep definitely helped. I'm training myself to think of my cats when I start getting down at work. I need to be there for them. They were abandoned when they were 8 years old. Now they depend on me. And I depend on them to make me laugh. 🙂

I know how stressful it is to uproot and have to move and leave everything that is comforting and familiar. It's been my life story. Of course, it's especially hard when you are ill, physically and/or mentally. Can you stay with your good friend, your landlord until you get settled somewhere else? Or with another good friend?? OK, so maybe you'll have to live in a crappier neighbourhood, but as harsh as this may sound, you will get used to it. There are always positives to be found in all situations. You may have an amazing neighbour or meet a kid who needs mentoring over there. You are my mentor here and I would be very, very sad without you. You've helped me from the very beginning. Of course, ultimately it's your choice to stay or to go and noone can take that away from you, but you say that actually, you are happy right now. I feel you have more living to do mark. With the exception of your work (photos) don't worry for a second about any of your other possessions. You can dump the lot if it's easier to move without them. You are the most precious thing to think about. If you can get another roof over your head, why not continue? love you

I'm sorry Mark

Etta is out of surgery! She is resting and recovering right now. Hopefully we can take her home in a couple days. 🙂

I am surviving. HUGS for all.

Day ended on an up note. Stifling heat just kept me bunkered in the a/c until I got a heads up from another photog about an unexpected sunset photo opp. Actually beat the traffic, got the shot...and even ran into a buddy - yep, another photog - I haven't seen in a couple years. Kinda made up for the rest of the day.

Yes! Not only are we not supposed to be proud of the progress we've made, but we should be ashamed of the situation we are currently in (as if we haven't spend much of our time beating ourselves up mentally). The people that encourage me are on DF. So I'm gonna be thankful and keep moving forward with my progress and my goals and be proud of myself, even if they aren't. I hope you will too.

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. idk if someone else's similar experience will be useful, but here goes. My folks divorced when I was very young, five. At the time, back in the Dark Ages, it was assumed - heck, mandated - the mother would have custody. Mine was a narcissist who remarried and moved us out of state. The marriage lasted barely a year. Meanwhile, Dad, too, remarried to a strong, wonderful, compassionate Irish woman who, like your fiance's parents, always treated me as one of her own. She and Dad provided the only sense of unconditional love and normalcy I ever had, albeit only a few times a year when I was permitted visitation. The torture of returning to the narcissist's lair was, so many times, more than I could handle. On returning, I'd be peppered with questions about my visit which she'd use as ammunition to reassert that they "spoiled" me, that they were out to undermine her authority, etc. Even right into my teenage years, I'd cry myself to sleep when I was about to be returned to her or when I'd returned. I was completely isolated. Put bluntly, the woman was a bully and I was her convenient, perpetual target for her sadistic inclinations. Sound familiar? Like you, I counted the days until I'd be free of her. It was an extension of counting the days until I saw Dad again. And, whenever possible, I'd find almost any excuse at your age to avoid "home." imo, that's a good relief valve for you. It's not a mistake. Even at that, it took years for me to get my revenge. And, make no mistake, it was revenge. As I became an adult, I was able to confront her and not back down every dam time she tried to reassert control. I also became successful in my career and the b*tch couldn't stand that. Eventually, about 12 years from my emancipation and to my considerable satisfaction, I was able to cut her off completely. Let me add, too, you're not completely isolated. You have us.

Etta is home from the hospital! She's groggy but fine. We haves meds to give her, and in about two weeks her sutures will have to be taken out. Then in about a month, we'll get the results on her bladder stone and it will tell us what kind of food she should be on. She's sleeping on the couch right next to me right now. 🙂 On another note, the estimate they quoted us was way overblown. They actually owe us money from the deposit! It's still a lot of money but it sounds way better than what they originally said.

Going to spend a few days with the family wanted to say happ 4 of July a head of time

I thought that I saw a special place to thank members, but guess I imagined a place like that existed. So if this is not appropriate to post this here, please delete me. To all I have met here and there are a lot of you! Thank you for welcoming me into your world. I have found hope, help and love with your words.I have cried and laughed with you. There were dark days when I found you. I found that I was not alone in my struggles. I may never win the battle against depression/anxiety, but there will be small victories that will allow light into the dark tunnel I call life. I'm taking a giant step out of my comfort zone to apply for other jobs - still in childcare but hopefully a place where I feel that I am valued for who I am and my experience instead of just a body to fill a job. May you all fond peace, Take care To the creators of DepressionForums.org, Thank you for creating a place where those with mental illness could find a safe and non-judgmental place to connect, share and love others without fear.

Of course I will never give up as long as I live. There's nothing and nobody strong enough to stop me from getting the life I want. I hope you fight with everything in you to get the things you want in life.

I am facing some depression lately. It has to do with work. Small company, lots of gossip, it's too small (20 people), and I feel cramped and overwhelmed with too much work. I need a larger company. I have interviews this week and next with another company. I need something good to happen. I need a change!!!

Please do not break any mirrors. Please breathe if you can.

Went to my med doctor today went very good :) also head don’t hurt makes me very happy

I understand how you feel. I don't want you to give up though. I would help you any way I can. I would try to apply for SSDI again and apply for every type of government assistance you can get. Your finances are dwindling and you have more health issues. You might get it. Mom eventually got it after 4 years of fighting. They finally factored her age into the situation along with a long list of health issues. I do know how you feel though. I've always had the same thoughts. I need to have quality of life to remain here. We're your friends though and love you and always want you to be here. I wish we lived closer because I would take in Spot and love him and give him a good life but I don't like having these talks because I don't want you to give up!

Welp, don't like that the monthly injections take me down for a couple of days, but perhaps after 2½ years of this I'm finally learning just to take it in stride, write off those days and chill. Even then, I'm still kinda surprised how easy it is for me to sleep in six-hour increments every few hours. Whatever it takes, I suppose.

Don't believe everything you see on facebook. Everyone is happy and successful on there. The site is garbage. People like him will use those sites to make people think his life is wonderful.

What his ex is doing is sick. She's using their daughter as a pawn. She doesn't care about her. I can only imagine the things she tells her all the lies to try to turn her against her dad.

Well I thought I would share a few things I should be happy about one being I we’ll see my kids agin there was a few moments I thought that would never happen again two I am doing a lot better then I was 4 years ago hell even a year ago I can get a lot better still but am moving forward not backward so I should be thankful even though I honestly don’t see it but eathers do so that’s good right

I feel good today. I feel very confident and strong and I'm not going to let anyone ruin my day.

What conflicted (early) morning hours. (I'm ok at the moment) Spent the night occasionally crying because of my move in a few months and, while watching Spot sleeping so securely and comfortably, wondering how he'll ever handle it if I'm gone. However, a friend needed a lift to the airport before sunrise which gave me the encouragement to shower and grab a cup of coffee. It also meant grabbing the camera for some spectacular sunrise shots of the activity on the ramp. Also, I have a haircut scheduled shortly - yes, he actually works the 4th - and I know that always makes me feel A LOT better.

Overall I guess I'm feeling alright right now. But earlier today I was feeling anxious and edgy. Most likely because I've been struggling with some pretty bad insomnia for the past week or so, and a lack of good sleep always makes me more anxious during the day. It's like my brain is really pissed off at my body for not sleeping properly, haha. I can't help but joke about it because if it weren't for humor I'd have given up a long time ago.

Left this morning on my Triumph and headed for Virginia. Finally stopped at a motel to rest. Gonna be back Wednesday probably since I have to work next weekend. As far as states go I started in Kentucky and was in and out of Tennessee, Virginia and North Carolina. Not really going anywhere specifically, just away.

I'm okay. Excited about getting a taste of freedom from this stupid place I live in. Despondent about my ever-prevailing problems with affection and the concept of human happiness. No anxiety, though, which is a pleasant surprise.

I'm beginning to feel strong again because I finally know the way out of this hell. I'm right up to the fence that's always been blocking everything my whole life from the ground to the sky. I can see everything I want through that fence but this time there is a door and I'm going through it!

Feeling pretty good this morning. Made the most of my insomnia (i.e., I rarely fight it any more), took a long bath and headed out for some predawn shots. Merging multiple long exposures are something I'm particularly good at. On the way back even hit the drugstore to restock a few bathroom necessities. Edited my shots and got three of 'em posted online. These days I try to get my activities done well before the heat of the day melts any ambition I have.

Why won't it work out? Don't believe everything your depression tells you. Life can be scary. I'm old and I'm still scared of life. One day at a time, one baby step at a time and breathe when the fear (depression) tries to take over. You are strong!

Damn. I'm sorry. I'm sure you're weary of people telling you that you are still young and that there's a whole life ahead of you. But from the vantage point of a guy turning 60 soon, it seems true. I'm the world's biggest pessimist, but even I know that something good could come along and change everything around for you. It could happen, and it very likely will happen.

Of course I/we want you to be happy as well, no matter what it takes. I had my sights set higher for many years but now I've lowered them. The disappointment of not being able to achieve what I wanted to do was tearing me up. Now, I look forward to the peaceful time with my cats right before bed. That is what keeps me going.

Better than earlier. Still feel rundown, but I've barely slept the last two days so that's expected. I also have a short fuse and anxiety because I'm running in empty. But I've mostly cooled off, and I'm just watching TV and talking to a friend and trying to relax. It was supposed to rain today but it hasn't happened yet. Crossing my fingers it will stay nice until I get the dog out (she's currently hiding/sleeping in the bathroom aka her lair).

Glad that I am back at work and making money this week. Was pretty rabid several times today at least I was alone and did not embarrass myself.

The last week I've gone to places where there was a good chance I would run into people I've spent years avoiding out of shame. I ended up seeing 2 people. I didn't say hi or even smiled - one of them we stared at each other for like 5 seconds - and that was it! No one started questioning me, no one came to berate me. What was the point of spending years terrified of running into people? Everything was okay after. I was okay. It felt like closure for a time of my life that still felt raw. Hiding away is the worst mistake I've made in the last 7 years. But now it's time to move forward.

Sometimes, I feel I don’t want someone who don’t understand what I’m going through to actually pretend to care about me by giving me advice which does not help me at all. Just agree with me that life sucks n tell me I’m doing my best n that’s enough. It’s so exhausting to keep trying n trying n trying cos u don’t know how much effort it takes for me to keep trying non stop.

I like being alone but I fear being lonely sounds like me. It makes a real fun life!😒

Not completely unexpected reaction to my meds this morning that I've learned from experience can subside when I get even a small cup of coffee in me. Pulling myself together was important to me personally. About like a regular photo assignment, I'd committed to a photographer friend to catch professional shots of his flight's arrival from Dubai this morning for his family's record of the trip. It was bittersweet for them. His son's first visit to South Africa, but it was also to scatter Grandad's ashes.

I did plenty of crying and throwing stuff across the room. I'm an emotional train wreck all the time. Like I said I'm tired of being strong but when you're alone in the world you have to take care of things.

This always makes me smile. With great fanfare, as usual, Spot brought in a food trophy for the cat dad again tonight because cat dad is useless as a hunter. At least he didn't wake me out of a deep sleep this time. He's been doing that more regularly than usual the past ten days or so. (A number of years ago, one of my particularly confused kids would bring in sea grape leaves, almost as large as her, with the same fanfare.)

@evalynn I hope Etta comes through just fine. I'm a wreck when one of my furbabies is ill.

Doing better midday - no anxiety at the moment - having grabbed a couple hours and in the Big Nest with my arm curled around Spot (who'd taken possession of it). I've already knocked off a call to change Mom's pension to her primary bank and even made an appointment for a haircut. Out for groceries and I'm done. Giving a friend a ride to the airport early tomorrow...a good excuse for some dawn photography.

For the last 5 years I have been extremely angry. I apparently do not have intermittent explosive disorder according to my therapist. I have been carrying around a lot of anger at past experiences. Being bullied, being raped, not being allowed to fight back. Not being given a voice. Angry is from feelings of impotency. I have felt powerless and weak. I have had 2 good jobs over the last 1.5 years. I was laid off from the first and have been at the second nearly a year. I do not like my line of work. I find it incredibly boring. I have done some low level looking for another career field. I have talked myself out of going in a direction as it is too expensive or I have been too hurt. Cost and time are excuses. Injuries are reasons. Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make angry. As someone who studies martial arts I know not to make decisions when I am angry. I have a saying: "As your emotions increase, your actions decrease." I would not be surprised if my anger had pushed people away. And that it is contributing to my loneliness. I have written that I have felt like the Primarch Angron from 40K (Yes, the Emperor was an idiot/jerk for not letting him die with his brothers and sisters). Like Angron, I still want to die. Unlike that poor bastard, I can. I am tired of being dominated by my anger. I want to use it constructively. Not go down the path of extreme negativity that it can lead down. I listened to a video on youtube by Coach Red Pill titled Anger. In it he talks about Luca Brasi from the Godfather novel being like a man running through the forest saying "**** me, **** me," but being too powerful to be killed. And that is how I felt when I was younger. I had to suppress a lot of emotions for a long time and I know I need to stay in control. I want to vent in the proper manner. Right now I will breathe and go to work. I will start looking for other things to do. I will not be unwise and quit my job. I will act in a positive manner. I will get this ****ing rage out in a smart way.

A li'l Monday victory that put me a bit more at ease short term. My SSR was finalized - a remarkably quick visit to their office to show my ID - the first check going into the account in a week or so. I realize it won't fix things, but it's something tangible to calm my mind.

I'm feeling my anxiety increase as the evening draws in but I fought the depression off today and pulled some weeds and vacumed my car. I wanted to do more but I should be grateful for what I did do. Hope we all did one thing we are grateful for today.

@Tears_Always I'm feeling a bit better today. Thank you for everything. hugs !

Surprised but amused that it's so hot now that Kitty refuses to venture outside in the daytime. Much the same as when it's raining, he gives me an accusatory stare when I walk into the living room.

I was a little irritated that I was not working tonight but my boss wanted to give me the night off. Might be working over the weekend. I will miss out on a few things but the OT is worth it.

Released from Hospital today, now sat at home. Beginning the start of my 3 weeks rest and recuperation bored already

Had a pretty good session with my therapist. So, I am somewhat depressurized. Made myself a nice lunch. Leftovers for a couple of days. Glad to be back at work. Kind of down that I am going to have to stay in my field a while longer. Going to study for another certification soon. So I can broaden my current and future horizons.

That's not a squirrel. That's me dressed as a squirrel. I've been living in your tree for 6 months. The deer is a moose named Bullwinkle and we're both on the run from Boris and Natasha.

My best friend told me that my brother said that I am one of those people who leaves car repairs until they make a big enough noise. What made me smile is that both of them know me enough to know it is true.