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I’m on my way to work and I’m getting kinda nervous cos today is my supposed last day and I’m doing final handover.

Thanks to my incessant reading of DF threads, I know that 3 a.m. starts the "witching" hour. I looked on Wikipedia, and it said that in medieval times, women caught out at this time, without good reason, could be executed on the spot. Funny how rituals bind history. Women out late at night, currently, are suspect in some Muslim countries. Like Rattler, I worked as a network admin until my early retirement. Used to sub contract some of grunt work and number crunching at a CPA place I monitored, and so we used to do business with a company in India for that. Some times, the work went undone overnight, as the ladies in charge couldn't go out after dark, on the streets. That was fairly recent, about ten years ago. It does make you wonder though . . . why any female would need to go out alone, at 3 a.m.? Just kidding, I'll get back in line. Bulgakov the Male

OK, let me see..... Had a chill out session this morning which was much appreciated even though it seems impossible for me to ever relax completely. Played with mini lion who was literally climbing the walls with boredom because she didn't have her prompt play time in the morning. Showered. Managed to enjoy it for a change as was more relaxed after chill out time. Went shopping. Sorted some recycling, put out some rubbish. Evening DF session. Not a massively productive day but beneficial to my mood. It felt really nice to give myself a break and go easy on myself. Of course I have a to do list as long as my arm but I can honestly say today that I don't care, I feel better for relaxing.

My Mom and I went to look at some furniture and she found some dining room chairs she liked and she`s thinking about getting them. We then went to Walmart and picked up some groceries then picked up some food for a very late lunch.

@MarkintheDark - I have greatly appreciated you on this forum and I hope that you will be here for years to come. I wish there was something I could do to help.

I hope everything goes well around there.

I'm the first person in the neighborhood to put up my autumn wreath. it's my favorite one; it has pumpkins and colored leaves on it.

@iWantRope I’d like you to know that since that breakdown, I worked my butt off and raised my salary from 35k to 90k in five years. I’ve earned my Senior title. Despite some anxiety I still have, I’m more than equipped to handle a Senior Director role at this stage in my life. I deserve it, and I’ve worked hard to get there. I am fully qualified for the position and have been at a strategic leadership level for many years. It’s not in the cards for me to go backwards. I’m thriving and am doing very well.

Took some effort, as noted this morning, but got out this afternoon with four - count 'em - of my friends I hadn't seen in weeks to do some shooting. 📷 And a pleasant breeze from TS Humberto well offshore even made the temps tolerable. Three Tylenol probably helped, too. We'll see if I can hold on to this. Either way, glad for the relief.

You've shared so much here about your love for your mom, I hope you can find something that suitably honors her.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner! Cat🐱Power🐾🐾

This morning, the teacher I work with led the class into the hallway where the other 2 preschool classes and mine sang happy birthday while looking at me. Only problem it is not my birthday. My lead teacher looked at the wrong staff roster. But it did feel good to be remember and seeing 40 little faces smiling and singing made me smile.

I practiced piano earlier today at the college where I just got a gig accompanying the choir class. Since I don't have a keyboard or an actual place to live (they don't know that yet!), the school is letting me come in to practice once or twice a week. It was a very musty studio with fairly ancient instruments, but gave me something to concentrate on aside from my woes. However, when the two hours were up, the depression hit me like a wall. A huge wall of hopelessness and helplessness and worthlessness, just like the textbooks say. The perfect mood to fight rush hour traffic back to my motel in an industrial district. However, the itsy bitsy teeny weeny good news is that I am starting to pull out of the afternoon depression. I have a chicken pot pie heating in the microwave and my appetite is peaking. So I persist to exist.

Good news: I overcame my fear and signed up on here to try and socialize with others again and see what happens from that. However I'm sorta nervous about it still in a tiny way. But more a less an accomplishment and big step for today for me. Lastly in a wonderful content mood right now as well. Bad news: I have none.

Today was a good day. We put all our work stress away in the drawer or sent it out to cyberspace, we went shopping and bought a gorgeous quartz healing crystal, and I treated myself to a beautiful pair of tall brown leather boots for the Fall as an early bday present. I always buy myself a nice gift each year -- I enjoy my own thoughtfulness for myself, lol.

I would absolutely talk to the people that work at the church you are going to for help. I'm not religious but churches have helped me tons of times. If I am ever homeless again the first place I would go to would be the Salvation Army. They are unbelievable and will do anything they can to help people. I stayed at their shelter for 3 months. They got me an apartment, a job and even gave me a month of groceries. They gave people bus tickets to anywhere they could prove they had family. They set up situations where people with no income got free rent and they furnished their apartments. Absolutely talk to the church. Talk to every church in town.

white rice and veggies

My new CD arriving in the mail 😊 it came all the way from Norway but they packed it nicely. Chatting with my friend who is studying musical theatre Getting a rather unusual compliment 😆

Looking forward to riding the train again has me smiling.

Pepperoni pizza.

Sorry to hear that tears_always. Do you think that you will adopt another in time? I'm not sure I have it in me to not have a cat in my life. They are such a big part of my life that I feel like they are an intrinsic part of my personality, if that makes sense, though I don't think it does

I can't write a lot at the moment, but wanted to let you know I understand the conflicted feelings. I certainly went through it, for years in fact, as I drew away from the NM. Every time I hoped it would be better or I'd handle it better, only to then have her pull some unexpected sh*t. One of the last ones that I think I already related here was that when I was delayed by work for a day on a visit to her mother's, the NM took it upon herself to cancel the hotel reservation I'd made, not tell me about it until I arrived, and then insist I could sleep on the couch (as if I was a teenager). That was the last effin' straw for me. I rebooked my hotel and flew back the next morning. What I'd point out, too, is that you've experienced relationship losses that are bound to still be affecting you. Your world has been turned upside down. So, no wonder you're having second thoughts or are second-guessing yourself. fwiw, the pain was familiar. In some sense that's easier than coping with the unknown and/or loneliness. idk, maybe go back and reread your own posts in this thread just to give yourself perspective.

Soundgarden the Superunknown album

Cheburek with lamb meat.

I feel pretty content and relaxed.

Tired, a tad grumpy. I did not sleep well last night. I did one of my old workouts and did some gaming for a few hours. Went to therapy and got a lot of emotional crap out.

Welcome back to the forums. Nothing you do is bad. I perfectly understand how you feel. I wait until I feel very comfortable before I talk to anyone, mainly just answering the person's questions and agreeing with the person. With meds and counseling, I'm doing better but still it takes me a while before I really open up to anyone. There are many good people here who have helped me with what they have posted. When you feel comfortable, please post until then read what others have posted.

A 5 Hour energy shot. That was pretty stupid though, as now I'm all hyped up and jittery 😲 Why the hell did I do that haha...big mistake.

Sitting here alone at 40 I pretty much know I have no other half out there. Growing up people tell you what to expect in life. Nobody tells anyone to expect to be me that's for sure!

A handful of Doritos.

Coffee ☕

I looked into getting a Maine coon a few years ago. Pure breeds are expensive. Interesting cats I've read. Said you could usually walk them on a leash, and their personality was somewhat dog like. As a breed, the developed themselves from feral cats in Maine and nearby, and were eventually recognized by whomever designates breeds. Beautiful cats. Fluffed up, they look large indeed. I always wondered how your average dog would react to one. "That cat looks fine to me. I think I will not chase him." Bulga

Quesadillas

From Shy80 "I know I have mental problems, but they take crazy to the extreme." Excellent

But you do. You're stuck at a job that constantly undermines your sanity, you're responsible for paying for a house you don't even live in, for a woman you're not even with anymore, all while being in perpetual debt yourself. And yet, day after day you do what's required of you and persevere! I'd say you're pretty damn strong!

State Fair Traffic

Done for today

I am an only child twice over. I did not inherit siblings when my mother remarried My biological father died of MRSA after years of being bedridden with a stroke brought on by agent orange, which also presumably caused my spina bifida. So there was a while when my mother didn't get much help in parenting, and this affected me greatly (though I'm so glad she didn't rush into marriage just to give me a father figure again. She waited for the right guy, and has been married to him for over 20 years). My mother and I have a difficult, draining relationship. We just have varying styles of communication. That's all. Good intentions all around, but my tolerance for differing styles of conversation is low. My mother has a great relationship with her family, particularly with her only sibling, her brother, my uncle. I envy that. It makes me wish I had a sibling growing up, but my mother keeps saying the first and only time was the charm. I had trouble making friends growing up. I was always the only disabled person at school, and in high school, I moved around, attending 4 high schools in 3 states. And to this day, I still have social trouble. I wish I had siblings (two max, I think). They could be neutral bodies during arguments with my parents.

SailingSoul: First, congratulations on your school accomplishments. Well done. This represents alot of hard work. I wish your family was more supportive. Your family does not show care for you in a way that is supportive. This must be draining and I can see why you would feel depressed or sad or lonely (or all three). I hope that you find the support you deserve. Tim

Walked 2.5 miles

@JD4010 I think the perfect temp for me is 70 to 65F to walk and be out in. Too much heat for me affects me pretty bad however the cold I'm used too for the most part.

The McGarrigle Sisters

tea and honey

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad you responded to this. I've been having a pretty bad day in regards to my confidence and needed some comforting words. I'm glad you can relate to my situation. I am 22, if that helps. I am glad that old age has lessened them for you. But thanks again. If my words in this post can resonate with anyone here or help anyone to feel better, then I'm glad I've helped others feel (at least, slightly) better about having confidence issues. I appreciate it, once again.

That's a tough one. If you want to PM or email me a copy of your resume, I can review it in general. I'm pretty good at these from having done hundreds of my own and reviewed and tweaked thousands for candidates as a recruiter. I'd made versions of mine for peer counseling and other mental healthcare and some similar non-profit roles. My learning was that only in true "peer counseling" roles is it acceptable to put things that even reference classes, programs, certificates completed. So....if you're thinking about putting anything that actually indicates or could lead to a conversation or inquiry about depression even, DON'T. Even setting stigmatization aside, it simply isn't an advantage, unless perhaps one is engaged in creative arts like painting, writing, music, or film-making. For everything else, it is, sad to say, a net liability - and it certainly is perceived as such. The only thing I can think of (which I still didn't tie back to depression or mental illness even implicitly), is that sophisticated employers who use psychometric assessments know that traits like empathy, creativity, perceptiveness, and interpersonal effectiveness - all of which can be enhanced in relation to depression, are professional assets.

Hi @Justanony I have a similar problem - used to cry a lot, up to age 10 and not much after then. It makes you feel like you are missing out on a crucial emotional outlet, at the same time you think that it's "just not who you are". So there are a lot of conflicting emotions at play here. I am right here with you on that problem. This weekend past I sat quietly and tried to force-cry and let some frustration out. I can't say I was successful but I did feel better for trying (while feeling a little dumb for trying such a thing, and a little guilt for failing). Yep ... a mixed bag indeed. I am looking for other emotional outlets too. I started Expressive Writing, unlike a journal where you write about events of the day, expressive writing is about writing how you feel about things. I just started and find it really hard to get the words out - expect it to be difficult at first. My hope is that it will eventually give me an outlet, albeit a long-term one to get going. Here is the topic that got me started:

Sitting Outside Quiet

As my therapist says, keep repeating and it will stick: "I will not answer when she calls. She is toxic. I must not go back." I hope this helps you as it is the only thing I can think of.

Hey Charlee, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so hopeless and sad. The weight of depression can feel almost unbearable sometimes. I'm glad you decided to get help for your depression, both in writing your problems here in the forums and seeking help in therapy. I hope your therapist is able lighten your burden and feel you with joy again. And don't worry about your message being "too depressing" this is the depression forums, this is where we come together and discuss our illness and how to get better. Never apologize for being yourself here and letting out all your thoughts and feelings. Also, I wanted to ask how you were able to tag your post with "depressed, anxious, depression, etc"? I don't know how to do it.

I know how you feel. This is the first week I know I have somewhere to stay. Since mom got sick it's been a year and a half fighting to get this house. Other people involved said they planned on kicking me out in the street. I really needed that every day stress on top of everything else.