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  2. I slept all evening because I was so exhausted.
  3. I shouldn't tip into this but I will, largely because I agree. That said, it is worth remembering that I'm not really entitled to a view being not an American,. However, since that ____, ____, ____ occupies so much of our media and sets a tone we would all cheerfully ignore if we could and let that be your problem, we have no such luck. I do like Melania though.She knows how to dress and, much more interestingly again, she and the #MeToo are together a nice chiaroscuro. Everything about her says #NotMe but her eyes say something rather different. Car-crash compelling. Hope you get what you want. I'm not sure of the wisdom of barracking for Russia any longer 😉
  4. Today
  5. Milk is good🙂... 6. Oat flakes 7. Green tea (in moderate amounts)
  6. did some yoga/stretching this afternoon now I just finished 33min walk for 1.7mi (new record?) and then chest presses and lat pulldowns...i should probably stretch, but I wanted to check in. ;)...since it's been awhile since I did weights, I hope I can sleep tonight. Last time I was up till like 6 if I remember correctly. Eek!
  7. Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection. (Not a joke per se, but a joke of a pick-up line.)
  8. I was walking in a field when a scarecrow said to me: "Being a scarecrow isn't for everyone. But Hay ... its in my jeans."
  9. You've been though so much. I am so very sorry that you are suffering!
  10. I have only known pain and humiliation my entire life. My abusers who have relentlessly raped and molested me, have perverted my perception of the meaning of love. Being loved is very frightening, joy is very new and healing is extremely excruciating. They have erased my understanding of what is love, that my therapist during psychotherapy has told me that I am only capable to take little doses of being loved right now, gently, for being loved by others was hurting me. I was self-harming myself, cutting both arms and legs to bleed all over the floor. I have survived multiple suicide attempts, all in July 2019. My abusers, especially A, has intentionally created pain and recurrent exacerbation of major depressive episode on a chronic background of dysthymia, in which I have been suffering from. Without him, darkness would not have happened; the pain that I have coped with was beyond normal human capacity, creating sub-rooms or sub-layers, doors and hallways, where countless of my little ones self-state alters dwell.
  11. Thankyou both once again!! 🙂 I decided to donate after all the helpful responses on here! I really appreciate this forum!! Thanks again!!! 🙂
  12. For the entire 24 years of my life, I was splitting nonstop every second at a minimum rate, sometimes it has been halved of a second or quartered of a second, producing rapid dissociation, when I was being raped and molested repeatedly by countless of abusers under extreme ritual abuse. I kept dying nonstop in trauma, is what I would label it as “eternal deaths.” I do not believe anyone would want to take my place and to go through what I have gone through. There was no more substance left in me as a proper human; an existence that has not been developed yet. Outsiders cannot base on face-value to discern the level of fragmentation within me, that was caused by my abusers. The trauma was deep enough, it is a feeling of being stuck at conception. I felt like I was being struck by lightning, a sensation that made me float oftentimes, that even the worst earthly pain cannot be compared to what I have suffered.
  13. hi I’m new here My first group, consisting of two main abusers, are the hosts of the second and third groups of abusers, who have abused me endlessly. They have performed their ritual abuse upon me, through an underground network. The trauma was too deep, I have forgotten the location of it and other things, but most of what they have done against me was life-threatening, that no earthly pain can compare to their level of evil, that they are capable of. It has started when I was aged one. I have been inflicted by off-the-charts extreme sexual abuse, extreme physical and psychological torture and abuse daily. I have survived through a “set timed route” and by switching into the modes that were not under their power to escape, along with effective communication between my DID alters, in order to succeed and away from his atrocity. DID refers to dissociative identity disorder. I am C-DID, deemed complex.
  14. I am a male, this is what I am feeling inside, despite with a female body outside. This dissociation has been forced upon me to make me feel safer and less targeted. It has protected me. I was mercilessly raped and molested by my abusers, so much that I felt like a toy that they own, an object that is branded worthless and nothing but their plaything for sexual purposes only. They have made me mentally and intellectually disabled, which I would regress into a childlike state in my presentation to others, but outwardly is an adult body. I was crying so much in the dark at night, wetting my clothing, feeling as though no one has seen my tears. I felt very cold inside, extremely humiliated and eternally forsaken. It is a void that is ever-expanding to infinity without end point.
  15. I’m sexually dysfunctional, due to my extensive trauma history. I had no sexual arousal even when seeing complete nakedness during sex. I said I don’t understand what sex means as an adult. Every time when there’s sexual intimacy, I feel extreme humiliation all over again, as though the abuse was happening again. I was abused from age 1-24, suffered extreme sexual, physical and psychological ritual abuse. Plus, I always have the tendency to feel forced during sex, resembling rape, with my partner. The inclination to wanting to feel forced in everything sexual, was programmed by my past abusers. I couldn’t seem to be natural.
  16. I’m currently on disability, too mentally disabled that I’m home bound most of the time, with lack of relationships and friendships, due to my deep seated mistrust, as directly birthed out of very extensive traumas and, cannot attend university, due to being intellectually disabled by my abusers. I’m in a mess right now, as though there’s no hope. I’m coping with RA flashbacks still, which froze me into my traumatised position day in and out.
  17. Johns Hopkins supposed to have results on its efficacy for depression in December 2020.
  18. camilo

    Neurofeedback?

    Did 33 treatments and little to no effect for me
  19. Thanks JessiesMom for great advice once again! I guess it would appear that my friend at this point falls into the second group you mentioned, "fly by the seat of my pants" type. However, thinking back he used to lecture to me on how I should be more dependable with my plans because I cancelled on him a few times but I NEVER did so last minute like he has to me twice now. He, in fact, always boasts about his dependability but yet in these last 2 instances with him he has demonstrated anything but that. I think that is also what is fueling my anger at him. From all his talking to me in the past it would seem that he should have known better than to work on his house prior to our meeting, since he seems to be aware of the potential that that activity has in causing him exhaustion. ..so his decision to work that day anyway seems disrespectful to me...especially when I consider all of his preaching to me. Anyway, as I was explaining to Depressedgurl007, I am not sure if the friendship with him is even worth it to me at this point. It might just be causing me more harm than good but if I do decide to continue on with him I will definitely let him know how I feel about this and I will state my feelings in the manner that you suggested here. Thanks again for the great advice as always! I really appreciate it!
  20. They responded well, but now I'm embarrassed that I made a fool of myself, revealing too much, getting too emotional, coming off needy or desperate or something. Although really, I do feel that way at this point. Hopefully they can understand why I'd be emotional at a time like this, though. It's all so much to process--not only my brother's death and reconnection, but also the financial crap I have going on, and the sharp fluctuations between kindness and insensitive shaming here where I live. Ugh. I just want to get out of here and back on my feet. Even sick as I was, I have to force myself to work whatever job I can get, just to make sure I never, ever wind up in a situation like this again. I feel so bummed, yet I'm still hopeful that things will improve soon.
  21. Hello, I hope to be able to use this space to get some of this yuck out. I've been doing pretty good for a few years but now it's all coming back.. so want to just get back to a more positive outlook
  22. I'm in pain. I was shamed tonight by someone I've had mutual dislike with for months, but neither side would admit it. It almost dragged me off course, but I've been fighting with might and main to stay in the right path. I'm also in pain from old stuff with my family. I'm on eggshells with them. I gave them misleading information about what I really want because of my PTSD acting up in the moment when we were talking...and now...I don't know. It's just a mess, and I don't know how to sort it out. I'm afraid of almost everything I say over text, and though we're all staying warm and loving so far, I'm terrified sometimes when I send out a text how it's going to be received. Then I tense and usually smooth out with relief when it's opened. Or sometimes I'm disappointed and hurt, but so far, everyone's being nice, respectful, accepting. I just want all these insane knots in my life to be smoothed out, I want things straightened out and running smoothly for once. Once in a long time, anyway. I hope you're all doing better than me tonight. 😢 I'm trying to remember all the things that have gone right lately. Please, God, a turnaround! I'm keeping faith that good things are in the offing.
  23. I have been on fluoxetine for years and have worked with my doc to rebalance the meds more than once. Ten mg is a low dose, but since you were not on it at all before, you will probably notice a difference. Fluoxetine has a long half-life (about 3.5 days), and takes a while to get up to full therapeutic strength. So please be patient. Good luck!
  24. The ONLY thing I can listen to when I'm in the black hole is classical. And right now the Mozart piano trios by Daniel Barenboim is the best I've heard in a while.
  25. A chicken sandwich with 2 cheese danishes as the bun.
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