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  2. @JustAnotherSufferer about 5 hours, So not too bad. I'm sorry you didn't get much sleep.
  3. @Soarsie18 Thank you, I barely got any sleep so that’s sad, did you?
  4. they seem to be doing like understanding stupidity kind of an doing thins against me they do say things in front of me which hurt me bu theyve meen never clearly straight up say that theve hurted me they think they are extraordinanary fighter and do make fun of me 1st it were just humans now its small dot to 3 worls which is heaven hell and univers torchering me some or other way but honestly no offence bu all that sounds like it sounds like other genderly person by what ever they do,they do making me unaware of stupidity they do they can even say to me right on my face so problems will be solved and people go 100 meters far away from me and say in small voices nowadays they are messing with my dreams does this happens with anybody or they feel similar comment it down?
  5. I'm struggling to sleep more and more nowadays, must be some underlying anxiety. But to be fair I've had far worse nights. No need to thank me, I was just being honest. I hope you get a good nights sleep too, even though I have no idea what time it is with you
  6. When I was a teen, I knew my period was coming because I'd have suicidal ideation and cry myself to sleep the night before. Since then, I've realized my anxiety, anger, and just general mood is crap for about half the month--the half when I'm PMSing and on my period. I dread it every month, and sometimes fantasize about having my uterus removed. But I want to have kids, so I've been off my birth control pills for about a year and since then things have gotten bad again. I also have horrible cramps most months, sometimes for multiple days. All I want to do on those days is lay in bed, take aspirin, and hold a heating pad to my belly. I write all this to say that I totally understand. You probably have PMDD, which is the worse form of PMS. I basically diagnosed myself with this years ago, and I've always tried to be on birth control pills known for helping with the symptoms. Maybe you can talk to your gyno or pdoc to get on something that will help dampen the symptoms at least. I hope you feel better soon, and I'm always here to commiserate with if you need me. 🙂
  7. I had tofu yesterday, it was good. I'm starting to eat the way I used to, which is making me happy. I've lost a stone so far. I still have a long way to go before I'll be able to wear my old clothes though.
  8. A little less than 3 miles since my last log-in. I feel a little crappy right now, but I'm trying to work myself up to either walking or doing yoga when the sun comes up in a couple hours.
  9. I'm having trouble sleeping tonight, so I thought typing some stuff out might help slow my mind down. I don't make it a point to keep actual progress reports on my overall life, but I do find it helpful to document the progress I do make on the forum so that I can turn to my past self to remind me that I am slowly changing for the better. So, here goes a general report of my feelings towards certain aspects of my life. My hope is that somebody else can compare this to my older more depressing posts and see that it's not impossible to improve their life in little ways. Skills: I've gotten a fair bit better at sewing recently. Was able to mend two big holes in my brother's shirt, so that felt really good. Really, it's just nice to help preserve something, even if it's just a sleep shirt. Part of me actually kinda looks forward to finding new holes along the seams of my clothes so I can practice sewing some more. I definitely don't regret asking my Mama to teach me this extremely useful skill now. My cooking hasn't improved much though. I feel I've hit a mental wall that keeps me from experimenting more in the kitchen. It'd be nice if I could get over it. Would like to try cooking more fish to help encourage my dad to mix up his diet a bit more. Sociability: I've done several video game streams in an attempt to get me a little less shy around strangers. I'm still not very comfortable in groups though. I tend to not think I have much to offer, but I guess I'm also reluctant to put myself in a group for fear of being pressured to conform to some group hive mind mentality. Makes it hard to meet new people, but I've met a couple and even reconnected with an old friend. Getting out of my comfort zone can be helpful, but I'm starting to wonder if I should push it since I really do better in one on one conversations. Romance: I've made a lot of progress on this front. I don't mean to say I'm dating anybody, but I've kinda accepted the fact that, even though I'm 27, I'm still just not ready for any romantic relations. I'm not self-sufficient, and am thus, unable to make meaningful promises. Will I ever be? I hope so. I'm certainly working on it. Still, despite the fact that I've pretty successfully moved on with my life, and am even able to have normal interactions with my ex and her fiance again, it's difficult sometimes to not look back on the short time I had with my ex and feel anything but regret. I know that's not a good way to feel about my first relationship of that nature, but it is what it is. I can only hope that given another year or three, I'll have matured past having any regrets over that, because I don't think I can do anything to force myself to get over it anymore than I already have. Career: I'm taking the GRE on May 4th. If I get a good score, it will help my chances of getting into graduate school. My goal remains the same; earn a master's degree, get LPC certification, become a counselor, and become self-sufficient so I can ditch the government's pity money they send me every month for being legally blind. If I'm being honest though, I feel my career is my weakest aspect of my life. I'm overly anxious about the future, and not in a helpful way that drives me to work harder at building a bright future for myself. I find myself trying to make contingency plans for scenarios that aren't even that likely to happen, leading to a lot of wasted effort and sleepless nights over stuff that won't even matter if I get into grad school. Mama tells me that I need to have faith, otherwise I'll agonize over every unknown for the rest of my life. She's right, but it's hard for me to let things go. Maybe this is my punishment for all those years of acting like a snobby atheist and looking down on everyone in high school? In any case, stress management is still something I need a lot of work on. Overall, I'm cautiously optimistic about all of this. Looking back, I can clearly see I've changed for the better. I've learned some valuable lessons about when to stop trying to help people and just be a harmless listener, thanks to a very good friend of mine. I've become a bit more comfortable expressing myself in creative ways. I probably pay too much attention to politics and what the mainstream media says still, but maybe my optimism in spite of all the negativity I see in the media is a sign that I've gotten better at not letting others control my feelings so much. That, and I'm sure the anti-depressants have helped. That's all for now, but please feel free to talk about your own progress if you like. I really do think it's important to acknowledge progress when it happens and document for your future self when times are rough. Speaking from experience, I feel the severity of my depression has lessened ever since I started coming here sometimes to take note of the positive changes in my life, both internal and external. If you made it all the way through this lengthy post, congratulations to you. You deserve a reward, but I don't have one to give, so I'll just say shine on.
  10. Today
  11. an owl hoots in the darkness, a black kitten saunters past the swaying trees.
  12. Bad news?: Slept almost all night last night, and then almost all day today. Good news: But I probably needed it. I did do some walking today, so it wasn't a total wash.
  13. Picking up my husband from work and stopping by Wendy's on my way home to get a salad for tomorrow, listening to funny songs in the car. Eating chocolate covered coffee beans.
  14. Woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine. Knocked myself out with a migraine pill and seemed better this morning luckily. I feel like a lot of us have so much going on, thoughts, worries, and etc. right now that it interferes with our sleep and daily life. For me when things get real bad I will watch some movies on Netflx, or binge on a whole season of a tv series. Seems to block out all the negative stuff, and just get absorbed into what I am watching. Then maybe go outside take a walk or something. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
  15. Glad to hear there is some positive resolution with the landlord. That and recovering from having a month's worth of medications injected in one day, I would be out of commission. But it sounds like you are doing ok. Probably a a good idea to take it easy Wednesday. Take care buddy!
  16. I really get what you mean. Seems many people don't easily hear what we are going through so we have no alternative to wear a mask. I have some friends, doctors, and counselor I can be me with, but aside from that, the mask stays on. Be strong!
  17. idk. Maybe, just maybe, the past 10 days have caught up with me (not to mention the injection of a month's worth of medications yesterday), despite some positive resolution with the landlord. And, heck, even felt decent enough to manage a quick trip to the grocery store. Otherwise, did a couple of good naps today, but my legs are nevertheless bothering me and the anxiety's creeping back. I finally relented and did .5mg Xanax to calm me down tonight. I'm not as bad as I was a couple days ago, but it feels like my body and mind have been battered around. Maybe I'll just write off Wednesday.
  18. “Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." Langston Hughes 🌖
  19. That's some of the worst stuff for me, particularly when I can't keep it from bouncing around in my head. Ruins my sleep, for one. Offhand, I'm jus' thinkin', is something going on that's triggering the thoughts? Or are they "comfortable" b/c they're familiar?
  20. It pays good money too. I knew a few coworkers in the past who had a history with landscaping- they didn't seem to dread or complain! XD
  21. The things I enjoy most is the work experience- personally, I love working. So having two jobs to occupy my mind is quite nice in my view. The money is good, and I made sure to get jobs I can both enjoy and tolerate. Sure, I may have to socialize a bit more and deal with more bs at times, but it pays off XD Downfalls- time. Sometimes traffic or your personal schedule can really get into your work hours. There were times where I got off from one job, only to have to go to the second one within the next 2 hours. On top of that, sometimes we close later depending on how hectic the day was, so sleep may be a tough one- though I never sleep much anyways XD It just varies on your personal life and events I totally recommend it if you can juggle both on your current/future schedule- just make sure they work out well with each other and your shifts
  22. Tried emotionally it is so hard wearing the mask that the world expects to see on you especially when all you want to do is cry.
  23. That I could have a redo knowing what I know now
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