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  2. Aw they are very graceful in flight aren't they 😄
  3. Sober, I surely hope this is just a dark stormy cloud hanging over you to make you feel this low. Your friends are still here to support you however we can, we love you, stay with us and show us how you can be a strong resilient person.🤗❤️🤗
  4. Today
  5. I had high hopes for my life for a while but all that's over.
  6. Managed to walk myself outside to sit in the sun for a bit, working up the energy to go back inside
  7. Hi Rattler, It sounds like I suffer with the same thing you described. Anger is so powerful and it's designed to shut down higher brain function like communication, listening and reasoning. It's such a primal emotion that has no place in 21st century society with all of its laws, rules, regulations and procedures. It's always unwelcome, whatever the situation.Not much helps it. Like you said, focus on breathing and leave the room if you're able. Have you tried keeping a journal?
  8. The swallows swooping and sweeping around in the park, catching flies. Got chatting to an old fella who loves them too and we stood together gawping at them for a bit 😃
  9. I hope you feel better after a good cry
  10. Had a dream that the hospital took my into surgery by mistake
  11. Hi hendricksbrock - I'm sorry you've been going thru this torture, particularly considering both your own health problems and those of your mom. As someone noted in one of your earlier posts, at least you've the writing as an outlet and you're sharing it with us. It probably doesn't feel like it's enough, but under the circumstances, imo, the fact you're doing it says quite a bit about the strength you have. I'd also encourage you to go back and reread your "Exhausted" thread, if only to convince yourself you DO have better moments. Like you, yes, night's can be the worst for me. It's so quiet. Personally, I'll distract myself with Netflix or something, just to survive moment to moment. For me, that's the coping I use for the anxiety. And, like you, I have something I did at that age for which I've always felt remorse. Over time, my meds have helped with that, but not being OCD you'll have to take that with a grain of salt. What struck me as most important at this hour was to let you know you're not alone, that someone's listening.
  12. Last week i dreamed my orange cat was still alive and living across the street under the neighbors bed. The house was dirty and smoke filled and she needed a bath
  13. I'd prefer not to get into the specifics of next month's surgery
  14. I am desperately needing advice. I feel as though there is no where else for me to go right now I am trapped. I currently do not have a counselor. I am hopeless. My OCD makes me feel like the secret I am harboring is so dark that anyone who knows will hate me if I tell them. I am struggling with real event OCD and guilt OCD. I cannot get over something I did when I was 14-15. I CANNOT forgive myself. It keeps me up at night, I just can’t stop thinking about how terrible I am. And even when I tell myself I meant no harm when I did it, I tell myself that is no excuse, and I can never forgive myself for what I did. Should I? I’m in so much pain. I need relief. I’m also telling myself that when I try to get a career everyone will find out... they’ll all hate me, they’ll all know who I really am. And they will affirm what I fear being told. That I do not deserve to be here. Even though that’s not who I really am. I am not a bad person but I keep telling myself I am. I don’t know what to do, it’s all I can think about. My OCD tells me I don’t even deserve to live for what I did. It’s terrifying. I’m in such a dark place. I’m so unhappy and very very scared and so guilty but I can’t forgive myself. I need to move on but I don’t know how.
  15. Thanks for the responses guys did not expect much but guess that's just the way I feel about most things but really thanks even just to talk an know people are there is always a good thing. Did anyone take time off work with there problems cos it really is causing abit of a rift between me and my wife she feels I'm not taking it seriously and I just have no I idea how to talk to people hard enough going the doctors about it let along work who I see 6days aweek. Cheers Aizen
  16. Appreciate the sentiment. The "normal" (for me) health issues I've mostly taken in stride over the years. Actually, I've taken them in stride more than the depression/anxiety...which is weird. But, no, I don't like the "new" one. Thx.
  17. Still have a headache it is a low ache with pills, so maybe it won't move over to migraine. Feeling sad, Lonely and sorry for myself. Going to cry myself to sleep and then face another day and repeat the cycle.
  18. Despite being sad to hear about your health issues and complications lately, it seems like you have a solid medical support team, which is such a rarity in this world. I hope everything settles down and you'll have be able to relax a bit.
  19. So to start making a change I have decided on a new certification to study for work. Learning new marketable skills is good for the mind and pocketbook.
  20. 9th Week @300 mg/day My arrow is still pointing up, albeit with a softer slope than I imagined before initiating treatment. I suppose I expected this process to be faster: I imagined at 4 weeks the medicine would be showing it's full effect (work or not) and afterwards it would just hold steady. Here I am, nine weeks in, and my p-doc thinks my progression is quite normal, can be a slow process. He says Remission (improvement of 50% of symptoms) should happen on a 6 - 12 week time-frame, and the months that follow should continue to bring improvement. Positive, Negative or Absent Effects: First the Positive Effects: I definitely feel steadier, more "profoundly calm". It's different than the calm that comes from Benzo use, which feels inherently transient. This calm feels like it has a more solid foundation behind it -- you wake up calm in the morning and go to sleep calm in the evening. I am able to put things in perspective better. I generally have more energy than before, and I now appreciate just how critical a role energy appears to play in this whole "depression" thing. Negative Effects: I can't say the medicine is causing any negative effects really, after the adjustment period. Just a persistent need to drink more water in order to stay hydrated. I was having fasciculations for several weeks, but even those seem to have stopped recently. Absent Effects: I feel like the best way to describe where I am today is through the Positive Effects and the ABSENT Effects, because even though there are quite a few positives to like, and I have improved compared to baseline, there are still groupings of things that appear to be absent. Stuff like pleasure, appetite, libido and response to sexual stimuli, interest or attention, and memory. The two best weeks I've had under this medication served as a recent reminder that those things are still POSSIBLE. So, I'm still holding out hope that I will continue to gravitate in that direction. Fingers crossed.
  21. I spent a lot of the day in bed crying.
  22. Today I helped clean the guinea pigs cages and cleaned my turtle`s tank and did some other cleaning around the house. All that took an enormous effort for me to accomplish as I was not feeling my best today.
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