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  2. .... I Can't Move 😕 (Dont want to frighten them)
  3. Wood Pigeon Enjoying Birdbath 🕊️
  4. Where is @evalynn? Hope everything is OK over there lovely girl
  5. The lady at the garage window trying to get my order from the shop. She doesn't speak English very well and was triumphant when she finally got me the right packet of crisps. It was like a scene from goldilocks... 'Nope, those are too big' ... 'Nope those are too small' .... Then finally, 'Yep, those are just right.' Hurrah! Muchos celebrations!! 😅🎉🎉
  6. I visited with her last night. I wasn't humiliated or hurt on this occasion but I was made to feel guilty for not wanting to stay all night and seriously told to 'Sit back down' as I got up to leave 😑 I didn't do as I was told but the experience wasn't nice. Before this, I listened to her degrading my sister and anyone else she could think of. Oh, and of course I listened for a good while to her talking about herself. I always get reminded of her will when I visit lest I forget I must constantly worry about her mortality and also feel indebted to her for leaving me money and do as she says so I get paid. Was I anything but a counsellor? No. Did I get asked how I was? No. Am I credited with having a life worth talking about? No. Did I dare share anything without fear of being dismissed or invalidated? No. Did I get any sense of comfort or wellbeing from visiting with my mother? No. Have I been bullied, lied to, humiliated, competed with, manipulated and squashed underneath her boot my whole life? Yes. Has it done me damage? Yes. A lot. But I don't give up that easily baby 😁 To all you children of narcs out there, they don't have to win and take away your power. You can take it back.
  7. Today
  8. I know I'm very hard on myself. 2 more days until 1000. I'm going to take it easy and get myself there and worry about other things after that. It's just really hard going through this year on my own. In real life I don't have anyone to really talk to. I'm scared every time I see someone come up the driveway.
  9. You have been burning the candles at both ends, my friend. And even tried to start it in the middle I think.
  10. I'm as tired and worn down as I've ever been.
  11. People would be better off having a rotten pumpkin as a head than to have my brain.
  12. People never believe me when I tell them I had a brain transplant. But then I mention that I was the donor and suddenly they're convinced!
  13. I went outside and almost got arrested because of a police curfew announced last minute! And that was the good part of the day.
  14. For some months I've been wanting to write a post about the relationship between procrastination and perfectionism. But ironically I haven't gotten it done. I haven't discovered very much, which is why I wanted to write the post so you lot can help me reflect on the connection. But I don't feel like writing it cause I feel like it's missing substance. Anyway. How long is the waiting list for a brain transplant?
  15. That is some inspiration. I admire anyone who can authentically laugh in the face of powerlessness or even helplessness.
  16. Got my monthly Ketamine treatment. Hung out with my brother. Facilitated support group. Socialized after. Watched some TV.
  17. Mine is too, my friend. You know, I tell myself that at my age I can't afford to play it safe any longer because an age is nearing when it really will be too late. And that kind of self-talk emboldens me to take action now. However, if I'm completely honest? I'll admit I've grown rather comfortable with my lack of boldness. That sounds too timid so i'll comfort myself by declaring I don't care for adventure anymore. What's beneath that fable? I find a peculiar appeal in the certainty of my destiny. If my lot is mediocrity then so be it, at least I'm not troubled by doubt. I suppose that feels almost the same as having control over my fate.
  18. Your profile pic/avatar made me smile. Thanks for that, kind stranger! What's OODA? I just googled it and found some sort of fancy thing they'd "teach" at business school. How would you say this is applicable here? Thanks... but HOW can it be dealt with? I just got out of bed 5 minutes ago... have been unable to move or think at all over the past few days. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay out of bed for long. I don't have the money for therapy, I'm disillusioned with medication.... and most of all, I don't even feel that it's depression. It's just me. Honestly, I'm not looking for pity, I mean it. I'm so filled with faults that it's just morally wrong of me to hide behind a diagnosis of depression to shirk my responsibility for where I am in life today. I'm turning 29 in a few days, and my life is a wreck. All my peers are far far ahead in their lives, and there's no way I'm ever catching up. I can see the pain in my parents' faces when they see me like this... but I'm just in too much pain and not to mention the constant anxiety (Panic, rather) to be able to help it anymore. I've been pretending to be fine for years. I'm just done now. Sadly, my mother doesn't get it, and winds up yelling at me. I feel she's thoroughly disgusted with me now. Not that I blame her.... Regardless of all this, dying isn't an option just yet. I need to be able to deal with this. I know that I have a life of coping and pain management before me. But I'm such a mess that I don't know where to start.
  19. About the man´s death, I think its pretty simple, maybe he had health complications, but, if a knee wouldnt been under his neck, he would died about those complications ? Its easy, he died because the police put his knee over his neck. About the riots. Its hard to say it, but... sometimes if you dont make chaos, you just are not heard. I mean, damn those people have reason to make all that chaos. But its sad, because Im sure innocent and good people could been looted, small shops and etc. Remember some they just want to loot, they are not there protesting, they are just tacking their opportunity. "race war", Im not sure about that, if whites start to indiscriminately attack blacks, and blacks start doing the same, thats race war. But... I dont think thats what happening there, I think some people are looting, and some other blacks dont want to start a race war, they want racism stop. Blacks have been living a race war since long time in US. - "So, now on top of being told that as a white person, I should feel guilty, I can look forward to being told that as an American, I should feel like a disappointment" I dont think you have to feel dissapointment or shameful or whatever because what other people tells you how you should feel. I mean, al what other people says shouldnt affect you ! If someone says to me "ohhh, you should this or that...", and I dont share their opinion, to me is like wind in the air, its just words of other person, saying things I dont care. I mean, dont let what other people says gets to your nerves.
  20. I sit here thinking about the one I love. I wish it mattered knowing who you love in this world but it doesn't at all. Nobody would want to be with me. How would I even explain my life to someone? If I was Peter from family guy or if I turned this place into Pee Wee's Playhouse it would make more sense than my life does now. I could dress the rest of my life as a giant chipmunk and the world would think I was doing this life better than I am now.
  21. I can't speak from personal experience, but my understanding is that main stream media has always had a left-leaning bias as far back as the 60s, at least. As for before then, maybe it was a right-leaning bias? In any case, it does seem like it has in fact been like that for a very long time. Though there is a strong case that can be made about it getting much worse and much more blatant in recent years. Your Ancient Aliens comparison is super on point and much like the show, Ancient Aliens, I'm baffled as to how anybody still trust the main stream media after all of the lies, set ups, deception, division, and hatred they've sewed.
  22. Yeah I battle with this every day. This is why - and this is important - this is way I've found important, not important, but valuable, to get things done. It's one more thing to not get to worry about. This is the anxiety knocking the door. The little things matter, simple things like washing the dishes, or get shaved, if you sum up this little things, you'll find yourself being a "normal" person. Please take this "normal" with all the quotes. What I mean is: I'Il be able to invite someone to my house, or, I'm able to go outside and not feel shame for myself for being so ... uncared. To be honest, at the end of the day I don't do one nor the other heh, but well, at least I feel ready. The same applies with other fields of life. I'm learning to be very ordered with my study, is the only way to advance, and I'm seeing results. Summing up, try to do those small things, I know that it looks that the small things doesn't matter, since it's a part of a thousand parts. But well, that's how you get things done. As I said, this is the anxiety knocking the door, and everything is a process, is not easy to understand that, I myself battle with this every day.
  23. I have been struggling for a very long time since my teenage years and I had ptsd from an early age and panic attacks also anxiety and it’s helped ruin my life but today’s the day I am taking back my life, I have been on new medicine and I had nothing left to lose really, after the medicine had time to work the depression lifted, I felt able to face the haunting memories that crippled me and I can concentrate, it’s like the fog has lifted and I can see through the clouds and see a beautiful rainbow 🌈 it’s early days but it’s looking good, I want to lose weight before I get health issues, in my family we have heart issues and diabetes and I am concerned about it so that’s my first life change I want to make, I want to try get out more for exercise and do more. The actions of others caused me to fall down and go down to destructive path but I am taking it back I am regaining the power I once lost because they took that from me and now I am taking it back, they caused me to lose my teeth, my health and my mind but the tides are turning. I am grateful for the things in my life like my home, my pets the tools I need to grow as a person. It’s almost as if someone flipped a switch and I emerged from the ashes of my life feeling well again, well enough to see life in colour and I am going hold on to this moment tightly. I must sleep now but for once I am happy and peaceful and that’s all I ever wanted
  24. Please take a minute to watch this video. https://shrinkme.io/V68BYZ God bless :)
  25. They're all news stations technically but they do like Ancient Aliens does. They give you just enough facts to where they can mix in lies and opinions and misdirection with it to lead you in whatever direction they want you to go. I've never been interested in news before these times so I'm not sure if it's always been this way but right now the news stations are 100 percent political. They exist at this point to either get you to love or hate the president. That's about it.
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