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  2. I am glad that some people are able to hold on to things/people/etc anything that gives you hope and keep fighting this battle... I wish I could say the same, but now I'm at nothing..
  3. What really bothers me is how my THERAPIST suggests that I be more modest and that I downplay my own achievements.. this is SO typical of a female in the workplace..... and it only just points to how females are STILL timid in the workplace to strut their stuff, to be aggressive and to be proactive.... it really bothers me. Well, that's not me. I AM proactive and I probably act more like a guy because I am more confident than that and I am NOT timid. Screw that crap. She's a sexist against her own kind, my therapist is.
  4. That's how I view it! I cant tell him my concerns, but I can show him my accomplishments.
  5. Today
  6. It doesn't make you seem narcissistic. You're just sticking up for yourself. Why shouldn't you be able to speak about the facts with him? I think it's time to talk to the CEO and tell him all of your concerns.
  7. It's a sensible precaution and people's appearance at Walmart are frequently even more odd, as you implied. I'm accustomed to seeing N95 and goggles now due to poor air quality on account of wildfires. Respirators and goggles are coming in various colors and designs. Almost a new category of fashion! Perhaps I ought to write a column in the local fashion magazine. Atra, shown to advantage in an eggplant-colored respirator with sage green filters and cheeky, fuchsia-colored goggles. 🤣
  8. Should i go back to bed? Up at 1 30. Its almost 4. I could definitely sleep now. But i usually get up at 5 anyway. Actually, is that even true anymore? Used to be without fail. Then the meds started making me sleep all hours of the day that i could and then all night. Went off my meds in jan or feb. Sept im back on them. And now the sleeping issues are back. when i was younger id be up most of the night anyway. So why is this a problem now? Im 46. I should be used to this. Menopause? The beginning of the end? Debt Hiding Failing Losing it Whats on my mind? A lot of things.
  9. Lunch with my brother. On-shift training for my new job taking phone calls and internet chats as a peer counselor. I listened in on calls, took a couple of calls at the end of the night. I'm pretty confident that I can handle non-crisis calls and there is backup/support for when someone is in immanent danger. Still a little uncertain until it actually happens.
  10. "What did they do to you?" I was asked by someone on here a few years ago. Well a lot was done. Nasty effects, but also, what wasnt done could be just as harming.. Grade 1 or 2 report card...i cant remember which: "Natasha often appears to be very sad and listless in class." It was noticed, but no one did anything. It stopped right there. There was also a comment that fit in with my ADD diagnosis, but i cant fault them for that, as im old and they didnt know about it back then...i think they didnt know at all. Too bad they always turned their eyes during the verbal bullying. But why not the sadness? Is it normal for a 6 year old to be that sad that it ends up on her report card from what can only be assumed to be concern? A teacher can only go so far. Her job was done. But thats where it stopped. There was more to the sadness than meets the eye. The sadness/depression was really just a symptom of something else. How could they know right? Why was there no concern at home?.
  11. I found out through other colleagues that my boss has thrown several people under the bus to make himself look good. So it's not just me. I am now meeting with the CEO next Tue for a "discussion". He wanted to in fact hold another meeting with me. Now I am worried. I called the meeting with him initially to follow up on our discussions last summer, AND to show him my latest achievements. My therapist, who is a female, advises me NOT to say anything like "look -- this is what I've achieved" because she believes it makes me seem narcissistic and like a brownnoser. I told her -- if I were a man -- a man would probably have no problem marching into the CEO's office to say "look at my achievements". She disagrees. So I disagreed with her.... I am not going to downplay my own achievements or accomplishments when they're already being downplayed!!!!!!! WTF. I am exasperated by everyone. I feel sick to my stomach over what's happening. Now I have NO idea what's on the CEO's agenda to discuss with me.... layoff again? Firing me?
  12. The Old Days Ever talk about the old days? Or back in the day? Were they good times for you? I bet a lot of people would say so. Me, not so much. I remember the mask though. The constant hiding behind it. Pain itself is a mask. It comes with the kit. "Step right up folks! Heres your pain, suffering, paranoia and inadequacies! Comes with a built-in consealer! A mask so effective, it will have you believe you are on top of the world as you die inside!" I think about the old days a lot. The highs i got from my behaviour. I often revisit those days and sometimes put the mask back on. But, then i realize i havent put it on. It was there all along. The old days are back. The old days are here. The old days are now. Because they were never gone!
  13. Ever talk about the old days? Or back in the day? Were they good times for you? I bet a lot of people would say so. Me, not so much. I remember the mask though. The constant hiding behind it. Pain itself is a mask. It comes with the kit. "Step right up folks! Heres your pain, suffering, paranoia and inadequacies! Comes with a built-in consealer! A mask so effective, it will have you believe you are on top of the world as you die inside!" I think about the old days a lot. The highs i got from my behaviour. I often revisit those days and sometimes put the mask back on. But, then i realize i havent put it on. It was there all along. The old days are back. The old days are here. The old days are now. Because they were never gone!
  14. Up at 1 30 am again. Joy. No there is no joy.
  15. Burnt out. I have all of the hallmarks of burnout. Believe me I know what they are as I am repeating myself with burnout too. I was in the same spot 15 years ago. All that's changed is I am older and in a different dead end job, cause that is the best I can do. What a f ucking loser. The sooner I am dead the better. F uck this life. F uck myself.
  16. I have always had a problem with self help advice, indeed with therapy too. There appears to be a belief(this is how I see it anyhow), that all human share the same basic values. That somehow, deep down we are all some how altruistic, optimists, that life has intrinsic value, whatever.. And all we have to do is dig it out somehow. I question everything. I question the concept of values, humanity, life everything. And to date, all I see is emptiness and pointlessness. I don't see the world as others see it and deep down if there even is a "deep down", no one else sees anything in the same way either in relation to anyone else. I believe all "men "really are islands. All we do is desperately hang on to the illusion of connectedness. Loneliness is our de facto state, not connectedness.
  17. Everything has been said. No point in me ranting in public. So yeah, maybe I am self-centred. maybe I am selfish. BUt I don't really know if what I do helps anyone. I only have your word for it. And if the world doesn't care then f uck the world. I don't care either.
  18. Tired of myself, too tired to work, but if I take any day off things will only get worse once I come back. So now there is no activity that brings any kind of peace to my mind, everything is gone. I just hope I'll be gone too, soon.
  19. Hi, TB, as I read this my heart sank for you. Oh I know the feeling all too well 😞 One of my major COs died November of 2017 and he was just 67. I still feel helpless over it. I know people we know in real life might not understand how much it can affect us but I certically understand and I’m sure many in this forum do too. You’re not alone. The comfort I take is in listening to his music and watching the shows he was in and letting him continue to live on through the entertainment he created for the world. That will always be here. In a sad way I’m glad I didn’t know him personally else I’d be utterly wrecked but my heart still hurts seeing the pain he went through towards the end of his life and knowing his life story. Ugh the struggle of being an extreme empath... But I really hope you continue to take comfort in the dreams if they continue.
  20. I am a 30 year old American male. My first thread on this forum was written when I was 29, about my fears about turning 30 and being a virgin. Not by choice, not by some sort of religious belief like abstinence, but rather just it happened that way without my wanting it to. I did some research into my family history, in this case my mother's family history. My mother has also had problems with attraction like I do, and she was a virgin until age 27. My maternal grandfather (her father) was a virgin almost until age 50. In other words, even though I am only 30 years old, my grandfather was born before the end of the First World War. I remember vaguely about how family said that he had trouble finding a wife that it took him until his late 40s to do so. Both my mother and I have Asperger's, and whilst my grandfather had several mental issues including severe OCD, it is suspected that he had at least mild ASD. Now, going back further, my great-grandfather (my grandfather's father) was born in the 1860s. He was in his 50s when my grandfather was born. I think that he got married in his late 40s. There is not much data after that, but there is a record that my great-great-grandfather (my great-grandfather's father) was born in the 1810s. So he was probably in the late 40s or early 50s when my great-grandfather was born. As no one who is still alive in the family would know, no one knows why he was that old when he finally got married and had children. In the 1800s, a man still single/virgin his 40s and 50s was probably looked upon as having missed the boat. In other words, I am 30 years old, but my great-great-grandfather was born during the time of Napoleon. So I was wondering, is there something that my mother's family inherited and passed down (especially the males) that makes it so hard for us to lose our virginity? I remember my grandfather being quite socially awkward and aloof, and I see this in myself and my mother as well. Is there something in our blood that makes us repulsive to the opposite sex? Maybe I am overthinking this with my tendency to overanalyse things, but I just thought that this is more than coincidental, especially because my father's side of the family does not have this problem.
  21. “To never have been born may be the greatest boon of all.” Sophocles No. Sh#t.
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