Jump to content

All Activity

This stream auto-updates     

  1. Past hour
  2. Yes people have destroyed me. I always "need" them around because of my depression and always attract the wrong people that try to ruin what little is left of me. I'm so sick of people.
  3. Today
  4. Hi @Alibi7691, and welcome. I'm glad you found DF. Sometimes it can be comforting to hear from others who may be going through a similar situation and know how you are feeling. I hope you find that here.
  5. This is going to be a long one guys and I apologize but I may as well start from the beginning so you can get the whole story. I was born with a rare kidney and liver disease, its chronic. I was 13 when I had to have my first kidney transplant. 6 weeks after I got the transplant it failed and I had no choice but to go on dialysis until a new kidney was available. I was on dialysis them from 13-17 3 hours a day 3x per week. I was young than and my body was resilient as hell so I didn't notice the negative effect it was having on my body yet. Plus I was a teenager and didn't give a shit about anything but partying and staying out all night. When I was 17 I got my second transplant this one lasted me 6 years. I was 23 when it started failing, I was in my second semester in college to become a nurse, but I ended up having to drop out because being back on dialysis made me so sick and tired I just couldn't go to class anymore. I was extremely depressed at this point because dialysis was taking such a toll on my body and now with my kidneys working at basically 5% function my Liver also started to fail now. I was lethargic and tired all the time, I had no motivation to do anything. Than all of a sudden out of the blue I thought I had found a shining star in the darkness, I met a girl that had received a liver transplant as a baby and knows all about this kind of situation. I thought it was going to be perfect, I thought finally I had found someone that could understand my situation and have compassion but that wasn't the case. It turned out to be the worst relationship of my life, she was extremely bipolar. I mean sure when the times were good they were very good but when they were bad..and trust me they were bad much much more than good.. they were bad. See she moved in with me in my apartment, I live in the apartment above my parents and she would just scream and scream and scream at me at the top of her lungs dehumanizing me in every way for no reason. An example.. One time I was about to put the dishes away and I turned to her and asked her if the dishes in the strainer were clean because I wanted to make sure before I started putting them away. And bam she went off like a rocket for 4 straight hours she was screaming, my mom had to come up to try and calm her down but nothing worked, We eventually had to call her sister to come get her and she ended up being hospitalized over night but they said there was nothing wrong with her. I lived with the constant emotional abuse for 3 years, day in and day out until one weekend she went to go stay at her moms and she came back and announced she was packing and leaving because I guess she had a fling with her sisters husbands brother and wanted to go move in with him..(Yes I know hillbilly trailer park central you don't have to tell me lol).. I honestly don't even know what a real relationship is supposed to be like, I honestly don't feel like I deserve one.. Anyways lets fast forward a year, I actually started to feel a little better mentally, obviously due to the lack of screaming and emotional abuse, but nonetheless the felt happier. But it was easily apparent to anyone how fast my health was declining. I live in Buffalo NY and we had to travel to Cleveland Ohio for my medical care because they were one of the only hospitals equipped to deal with a case as severe as mine. So now fast forward to September 2017, I finally got the call and went in for a double kidney/liver transplant. I had a very very rough recovery including abuse in the ICU that resulted in a stage 4 backside wound and so much more but that's a completely different story of its own. After 6 months in the hospital and 6 months recovery at home, we're basically to where I'm at now. So now about how I'm feeling now. I honestly feel like I've lost all love and emotion towards myself, I honestly couldn't care if I live or die at this point. This transplant was supposed to be the answer to everything, I was so excited to get this transplant because I thought it was going to start a new chapter in my life, I thought I would get the transplant and feel so much better, maybe meet a decent girl and form a real relationship, but than I think to myself Who am I kidding? what kind of sane girl would want to be with a guy as broken as me. I'm 30 years old, I can't work and have to rely on disability, I live in constant pain from the 2 bone diseases I got from being on dialysis so long so its hard for me to walk long distances. And sex hahaha you gotta be joking.. dialysis killed any chance of me ever working right again. My doctors don't want to help my pain, they treat me like an addict, just because there are people in the world that abuse opiates doesn't mean that every one does. This transplant was supposed to make me better but honestly I wish I never accepted the organs, I wish they would've went to someone that could truly make a life with them. I honestly loathe everything that this disease has turned me into, I'm a disgusting morphed version of what I once was. I used to have ambitions, goals, dreams, this disease and everything thats came along with it, the dialysis, the horrible relationships, the shitty doctors that don't want to help me. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I honestly pray every night that I don't wake up in the morning. I don't see a point of going on. I'm never going to be out of pain, or even a little less out of pain. I'm never going to find a true meaningful relationship because no girl is ever going to want to be with someone with this much baggage. Let alone a guy that cant physically be with her. I'm not saying I'm going to hurt myself I want to make that very clear, I'm not suicidal, I don't have the balls for that. I just don't care anymore what happens to me. Everything was taken from me and going on day after day after day of the same miserable existence just seems pointless. And no one understands what I'm going through because on the rare occasion I do go to a family gathering I pop 10 pain pills and put on a happy face for everyone because I would rather have them think everything is just great because I hate people feeling pity for me or feeling sorry for me, I would rather have them think I'm just super. I always fake a smile. But if I'm being true to myself I hate my life, I hate existing, and I hate what I've become. I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore because I don't recognize the person looking back. I apologize for the length of this but I needed to confide in someone, I refuse to go talk to a professional because I know whats wrong. I'm just done.. anyways thank you for reading this..
  6. My kitchen being tidy this morning 😊
  7. I want to set myself a new mission. .I have an event coming up in 3 weeks and I want to lose 6 pounds by then, so two pounds a week weightloss is the challenge. I think it's doable but I won't be able to have treats or cheat days. I'm planning on doing three full yoga sessions a week and two long walks. I will be chuffed to bits if I achieve it. I've kept off the 8 pounds I've lost since this time last year so I will be looking noticeably slimmer if I reach this new goal. Posting here helps so I'll try to keep it up to date. Let's do this! (Again) 😂
  8. Wow, that's impressive. How long do the 8 miles take you?
  9. I am feeling angry. Too many not-so-nice people to deal with.
  10. Hi everyone... I'm new so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right. Just feeling very down and I can't seem to snap out of it. I'm on Klonopin, Zoloft, and a new med called clomipramine. Not sure if it's working yet. Been about 5 weeks on it. Still feeling unmotivated. Not suicidal. Just blah. I don't know where else to turn.
  11. I think it is just the universes way of spreading more pain and suffering. I suspect that if studies were done it would be found that those with depression are more sensitive than most, this is part of what drives us into depression. so when we have loss it hits us so much harder.
  12. Dear 15anddepressed, you are being physically and emotionally abused. I hope there is an adult who you trust and who is not on your mother's side that you can tell this to.
  13. My feelings started to kick in when I became a junior at my highschool. In middle school and now I still have a lot of anxiety. Around the middle of my sophomore year I felt less invigorated and felt less interested in my life. As soon as I started these feelings I started to get less sleep, my grades started to go from A's and B's to low B's and C's. After a couple of months I started despairing about my life and how useless I am, how lonely I am, etc. At the beginning of junior year it got a bit better then it went downhill. The feelings I suppressed and the facade I put just broke and I cried in bed for a solid week. I have a great feeling I'm depressed, but I've always been too nervous to say. In addition, I can't talk to my parents that well. 1. I feel to anxious and embarrassed to explain to them what's happening. 2. They get too sappy and before you know it they get out of hand. I don't want things to get out of proportion. 3. My parents and I don't talk a lot. The main reason why is that I have a very bland life while my siblings live larger than I do, so I'm transparent to them. If I can get some help on this it would be much appreciated.
  14. Thanks. Some day I want to get permission to do a linguistic study on depression writing here...the words, patterns, tone, self talk, interaction, compliments, discounting, repetition, vocabulary, etc., etc. This isn't directed at you...I just saw something reflected (about myself) in our exchange. I don't know if the pen is mightier than the sword any more, but there is still power of life and death in the tongue. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. And, nothing is, but thinking makes it so. (The Bible and Shakespeare, respectively, ennunciating cognitive behavioral therapy a few years before its time). Also, "coital," thanks for that, I am definitely going to use that in a brief sometime. In my Christian college class on human sexuality which I thought was good (and convinced my then girlfriend to take the course), but had the enduring legacy of remembering the great term, "coitus interruptus," for a bad method of birth control.
  15. The mom-perfetion thing sounds awful....most of us have some variation on that we receive from out parents, and most of us parents will give it as well. How about the statement, "if it's not worth trying and failing at, then it's probably not worth doing"? Growth mindset. (I'm not saying i have it nearly enough; I aspire to)
  16. Hi, I'm new here. Somehow I ended up on this forum while searching for other stuff. I don't open up easily in the real world but I'm hoping to find a support system here.
  17. Hello WanderLust. I know this thread is old but I guess I'm one of the few on here who understands your plight. I've been type 1 diabetic since age 5 too (33 years now). I've dealt w/ depression as well; how much of the depression is due directly to the 'beetus I can't say, but dealing w/ the disease is more likely to cause the depression to me than having the disease. Probably what's hardest for is not being able to lose weight. It seems like it just creeps up and up and up and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work out, I'm still chubby and can see why no women want me when I see my tubby frame passing by in a store window reflection. The Lantus is just unmerciful w/ weight gain, it seems. I don't think I'll ever find love again b/c of it, tbh. I get neuropathy too but luckily it's not too painful and it just feels like these teeny,tiny pinpricks all over. The biggest problem I find w/ Diabetes is how fatigued I feel. And God, getting up for work 5 days in a row truly is a form of unacknowledged torture. And the ****ing insulin cartel which has profited from us having a disease which we can't help & will need the medication for until the day we die is truly radicalizing. They charge us $300+ for a medication that costs about $6 to manufacture. And yet this is supposedly the "Greatest Country on the face of the planet. Ever"™️ Hope you're hanging in there. -The Last Outpost
  18. It's the other way around - depression and anxiety often lead to poor choices (as I can personally attest), which of course fuels the depression and anxiety. It's a vicious f.ucking circle...😣
  19. Do one thing at a time @JD4010. No reason to push too hard. I would see a physician first (to ask about starting a workout) before starting a workout routine.
  20. I have felt that way quite often. I fight on because it is what I have been taught. There are a lot of things that I do that are not good enough for me. I met with my therapist yesterday and he said that I was kicking myself in the butt a lot. For your last question I would politely assume that you have some desire to push beyond your current abilities and become "The strongest!" Best wishes and congratulations on winning that VA case. And foxtrot that coital court dude. If they do not like the references they are well a word that starts with P that refers to cowards. Sadly I do not believe it is legal to female dog slap the judge or opposing attorney. Hope your are winning your battles good sir!
  21. I never get over losing people I love. The grief just piles up and up and creates a mountain of misery that crushes me into the ground.
  22. You are a good person. We are all good people. The ones that abused us are the bad people. Abusive people leave a poison in us that can live forever if we let it. It will ruin the rest of our lives if we can't move past the words they leave in our heads.
  1. Load more activity
  • Create New...