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  2. I wonder if the coffee even has an effect on me anymore. I've had probably 2 pots of it today and 3 glasses of iced tea and I'm about to fall asleep.
  3. Yesterday
  4. I do need to decorate this place for fall. I'm so lazy I still have the same curtains up in here that were hanging when I moved in 3 years ago. They hated them enough to leave them here when they left and I left them up for 3 years!
  5. Suzanne Somers singing a broadway tune called Take Back Your Mink, interspersed with a dramatic monologue about a violent incident involving her alcoholic father and a tennis racket when she was a little girl. It has to be seen to be believed. I can't fathom what she was thinking. I've watched it five times.
  6. Thanks Memen, I'll hope with you. Unfortunately, a lot of world leaders project integrity a few months into their rule--even better a few months before their rule when all they had do was to slam the departing "corrupt" leader for an ovation. (No politics please, as this was just an observation on the ideas and ideals of democracy, not an attack on specific persons or parties.) Bulgakov just Wondering
  7. I'm watching Friday the 13th. Someone went after Jason with a frying pan which didn't work out too well.🙄
  8. I'll be ok I'm tough. I'm tired of having to be strong but I am. I won't give up.
  9. Buddy, you're too young for all of this. You've barely lived a quarter of your life and you're calling it a lost cause. Think about that. Imagine reading the first quarter of a book, or watching the first 6 minutes of an episode of a show, or playing just up to the first dungeon in a really long game and deeming it so bad that it's a waste of space. That's not right, and I'm sure you know that. Take it from a huge nerd guy who also didn't go to any dance, nobody was talking about this stuff for more than an afternoon. I listened and most people wanted to forget that they spent money on that night because it was so boring. I don't think you're missing all that much. Certainly nothing to envy to the point of adding it to your list of reasons to want to die. Congrats on actually asking two people out by the way. That's two more than I ever worked up the courage for. I know people who tried a lot less harder than you who got even more depressed at the time (me for example). I also know people who tried even harder and still got shot down every time who were even less depressed (my old best friend, for example). She gave me some sage advice back then. Told me what's done is done and that she didn't see any point in getting depressed over it. Said she rented some movies that weekend and made her own fun, but now I'm getting sidetracked. Point is, you tried real hard, it didn't work out this time, but at least you tried. Be proud of that at least and take a small comfort in the fact that it's just one night that will probably be forgotten by the end of the month by all in attendance. You seem like you're way to caught up on past tragedies to make any improvements to your personal life. I know it's rough. I lost my own grandpa and grandma some time ago, but your first priority needs to be to put the past behind you. For me, a faith in some afterlife where my grandparents sometimes watch me with pride in their hearts helped me. Is it imaginary? Probably, but whatever helps is good enough for me. It got me to stop crying long enough to see life moving on without me. Another thing that isn't helping you is insisting that everything has always been awful. It's not true (because you told us as much), and saying that in your head over and over again is making you hold onto your past even more. If you're like I was, you tell yourself that and then you search your memories for everything that confirms that story. It's not healthy though. I dunno what else to say. All I do know is that by sheer coincidence, my mom once reminded me that I looked forward to school in what I thought was a time that I hated school. Clearly my own bad memories didn't tell the whole story and I'm betting it's the same with you and a lot of other people. Lets say you manage to put most of the bad past behind you. Now you're worried about a nuclear war that may never happen. I don't mean to make light of your anxiety, but logically speaking, that isn't very likely to happen. Every major country knows that every major country has nuclear weapons and launching a single one is pretty much a big sign that says "HIT THIS COUNTRY WITH ALL THE NUKES". With all of the requirements and permissions a military facility needs to activate one, it's not likely that somebody will attempt to star a nuclear war without realizing that they're going to get nuked right after they start it.It would take a lot of illogical, very dumb people in very specific places with very specific authoritative power. Rest assured, we're not in danger of becoming the world of Fallout games anytime soon. Look at it this way. What if there is a nuclear war that erases everything. . . or what if there isn't and everything will be fine? If the latter happens, you're worried over literally nothing and making your life exponentially worse over it. If the former happens, you're worried over things beyond our control and are making your life exponentially worse over it. That's the thing about the future. You have to be able to take a step back, pick and choose the things you can actually have some semblance of control over in your life, and leave the rest up to luck or faith or whatever force drives the universe. This has gone on way too long though, so I'll try to wrap up by saying this; I think you're going about your quest for happiness in the wrong way. You can't be happy without a girlfriend, but you can't get a girlfriend cuz you're depressed. You've locked yourself in a self-sustaining cycle of misery and the only way out is to turn your energy to something else. If you took my two cents on the homecoming thing, then take this from me too. A girlfriend won't fix everything about you that you don't like. And if she leaves, it'll just add fuel to your miserable fire. It's too risky and the payoff isn't worth it. But I've said enough. I hope you get better and find some real help soon. I've seen enough kids talk about how their life will never get better come back to me with much happier and improved lives to know that there is still more than enough time and hope for you. Don't you dare waste that by committing suicide.
  10. @MarkintheDark Moving is absolute hell. But that might be the most obvious thing I've ever written. I live in a dump with windows that leak like sieves. Fortunately I like the cold so winter isn't as bad for me as it would be for others. But I cannot envision moving until they drag my @ss out of there.
  11. Oh wow. Best wishes while looking for employment. I am afraid that government corruption is becoming more normalized. We certainly have much corruption here in the US. The government can "lose" 6,000,000,000,000 dollars and nothing happens. Anyway, welcome and please keep posting!
  12. Thank goodness for our feline friends. My two have thrown lifelines to me many times. I just took a nap with them in fact. That might explain why I am in a decent mood right now.
  13. Dang. I haven't been online since Friday so I've missed all this. I hope you are doing better now.
  14. I cannot believe I've been missing these posts! I've been on a combo of Wellbutrin and Citalopram for five years now. It must have "worked" because I am still here. Best to you.
  15. I can relate to this. Reminds me of my later college days. I only had two or three classes to attend each week, no extra activities, no job, and the work load was very light. It was basically go to school for a few hours, go to my apartment, and go right into playing games or watching videos. A very lonely existence only made better by my brother and calls to my parents. I never did learn how to best handle living alone. Didn't like the typical college life of alcohol and parties, and being older than everyone else made me feel out of place and socially awkward around all the younger people (granted, I was only 4 or 5 years older at the most, but still). I think living alone is just a lifestyle some people are more accustomed to than others. Don't beat yourself up over having these issues. They're actually very normal for a lot of people, even without depression making it worse. Sorry I can't be of more practical help, but I saw this and it just kinda resonated with my old college days.
  16. I am exhausted - physically. Went through some more stuff for 2 hours. Longer than I have done in the past without being overwhelmed. Now I just need to remember to call thrift shop for a pickup.
  17. @bellerose Happy Birthday! You can always pour your heart out here. I will listen.
  18. I quit taking medication. Like you all that happened is I was put into another nightmare. You want to feel better. You don't need this. Like you I worried about each new pill. What will it do to me this time? I got tired of playing the game. That's 5 medications for you. Who knows how long you had to put up with the nonsense with all 5. I tried for a long time before I said enough is enough. I tried for decades. Do I feel good no but I never did on medication either. The pills gave me kidney disease so now it will never be safe taking them again for me. I can't imagine losing hair from a pill. I would think this must be the last straw for you.
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