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      A Reminder that we are a PG13 Site   12/09/2016

      Please keep in mind that NO content can be posted that is not PG13!  No sexual content and definitely not images which is not permitted in a post! We will delete it.  Not even memes or humorous images should be posted, if you want these forums to continue. NO IMAGES! If you want to post an image, post the URL pointing it to your gallery.  Again, Depressionforums.org is PG13!! Thank you~ ~Forum Admin  

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  1. Past hour
  2. Drinking a Diet Coke.
  3. Depends what it is. A person we admire is still going to be imperfect. They say people don't hurt us, expectations do, and l can't help but think that is true. I can only say what l'd do. If it was pushing my boundaries, l would politely but firmly establish them. I would try and be understanding, but also take it as an opportunity to weigh up what that person means to me, and would l allow one disappointed mar all the good. I'm sorry you feel let down and hope you sort it out with them.
  4. Let The Music Play~Shannon
  5. Yesterday I was watching some music videos by The Cure and that totally brought me to my younger self.So I guess 80`s and early 90`s music videos make me feel like a kid again.
  6. Your depression may simply be caused by your workload and worries about your future as senior year is a really tough year and you mentioned feeling normal when watching TV, an activity that is the complete opposite of schoolwork. As for your sleep, when you're young it is easy to live without sleep. I remember getting four hours and waking up with no problem when I was your age. However, if you suspect that your depression is something deeper, first go to your doctor. He or she can check your blood to rule out any vitamin deficiencies, thyroid problems, etc. If everything checks out fine and your still wish to pursue this further, you can go to a psychologist who will be able to evaluate you. I hope you feel better soon! Remember - while it is so amazing that you are a great student and you should be proud of your accomplishments, make sure you spend some time doing something fun each day even if just for an hour and enjoy time with your friends on the weekends. :)
  7. I guess I would have to say the small victory I had today was finally dragging my a** out of bed and taking a shower.
  8. I feel awful today.I woke up feeling that way.I woke up late today and after I had breakfast and washed the dishes and went straight back to bed.I didn`t get out of it until almost 3 in the afternoon.I just feel so tired and sad and awful right now.
  9. Yesterday
  10. It's one of the few Depression symptoms to which most of society seems completely oblivious. When I mention my problems online, the vast majority of responses confuse it with ennui, and recommend that I simply try something new. Considering there's no good medication for it yet and so little is known about it, it seems to be rare. Is it? Even, very rare? I hesitate to say something like that, but since it's so hard to find info about it, I can't help but ask the question. What do you think?
  11. yes luckily you always seem to wake up before you go splat
  12. Nice to meet you momofboxers I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling and suffering. I am in a similar situation. I became really ill and had to quit work. Thankfully, my son stayed with me. I can't imagine how gut wrenching that must be to not only have your children have to reside away from you, but to be prevented from regular contact. Have you spoken to your doctor regarding depression. Depression tends to go hand in hand with a long term illness, let alone anything else. Sorry if you already know, but a combination of meds and a type of therapy (talk therapy, cbt, etc) can really make a difference. Locally you could see if there is a support group near you, they are often advertised at doctors or community centre. Then libraries often offer free classes or get togethers. It is also nice here. People tend to understand and don't seem judgemental, because they are only too aware how hard it is. There is even some light relief in the 'forum cafe' l think l'm becoming addicted to the word games in there lol
  13. Dominating in it's presence, The calling can not be unrecognized, They had me in this system, The death that has materialized, Dear God, I've been born over, And over and over again, Behold my carcass of white trash, In one minute you'll speak, Offer me this diet of cake, But which one is poison, The counterfeit fake, Dear God, this day has happened over, And over and over again, I bite through with all cruelty, They named me a present, It has wrapping and a bow, But it haunts me with cutting, The pain that we wanted to go, I can't believe, you had me, Suspecting me to celebrate, Dear God how could you do me like that? I have been analyzing the analysts, They can not see my anonymous, Now hurry, the day has not come to end, Lets see what is sacred in blasphemous, Dear God, you chose me now over, And over and over again, Witness the dissection of the animal me, This century, We're alive, The next, We're dead, What about the millions of eons? This small time, We're conflicted, The next, We're dead, What about the birth of the days? This moment, We're silent, The next, We're dead, What about the natural selection? On the twenty fifth day, He said let there be a tyrant, In an age of acceptance, Still clinging to the reliant, Dear God, I've cut myself over, And over and over again, I pray that your sirens can pick up the trail, This time I had a picture, The smiles aren't reoccurring, And what is there left to believe, Than that hope is ill deserving, Dear God, I've hoped over, And over and over again, Which one will grant me the lightning lash? I know what you are thinking, Close my eyes and blow out the lights, I should be completely happy, On this resurrection of timeless nights, I eat my apple, The gush of the ooze, Dear God how could you do me like that? If the moon reflects the sun, How can the man continue to operate? This decision that you use, Born onto which you can fascinate, Dear God, I've born over, And over and over again, Behold my carcass of white trash, It's my birth day, The will of the God, It's the birth of the day, The will of the dirt. I am birthed, But still feeling dead
  14. Hi Wrenn :) Thx guys. Just wasn't feeling good last night. Have been pushing through, not sure how I do it sometimes. Loneliness starting to get to me.
  15. A few months ago I started talking to a guy I met through a dating app. We eventually met in person and started a sexual relationship. I was infatuated with how good-looking he was. When he contacted me I would feel high, and when we were in bed I would feel wanted, attractive, and alive. But I would often leave our get-togethers feeling empty and depressed. I knew he didn't have deep feelings for me past friends-with-benefits, and I wanted something with more emotions and connection. I cut it off eventually, but I missed him and actually felt heartbroken. Or rather, I was heartbroken that he didn't care enough and missed what I wished we had - a genuine connection and attraction to each other. Although I told myself I would just be alone and work on myself and my depression, I still feel a compulsion towards online dating, internet porn, and the high of being sexually desired. I don't feel happy or even "normal" unless there is someone who is regularly contacting me for sex or dates. Then I often wonder why I continue to pursue these meaningless hookups and feel extremely tired, ashamed, and lonely. I don't feel that my personality is enough to captivate interest, so sex is a natural medium to get what I feel is missing, but no matter how many men express superficial interest, I know it will never really fulfill me. Ultimately, I am an empty vessel. This is due in part to aging. My self-esteem has never been that high. And my looks have always been below-average to average, but I am turning 30 in 3 months and I am feeling like my worth as a woman will go down in society and in my mind. I don't know how to change or stop what is becoming an addiction to sex.
  16. I am so glad you shared your success story. I have recently been diagnosed with panic disorder and OCD. Meds are new to me, I am on week seven. I am seeing small moments of improvement, but still struggling. Your story was inspiring- I enjoyed reading it!
  17. Conversations conducted in shorthand, ha!! God that just sounds horrible, and also kind of hilarious. I would never last at a place like that. It never ceases to amaze me when adult professionals are monitored like they work at burger king or something (no offense to anyone working at BK). But it's like, if you're even at that level in your career, you've earned some autonomy. I live in the SF bay area where we have a thriving tech industry (obviously) and the culture is very strange at these companies. There's not a ton of micro-management; employees can come and go as they please, wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want when they want (free snacks, meals, soda, beers). But god forbid they work less than 10 hours a day and turn in work an hour late. It's super stressful and lots of good programmers and engineers throw in the towel after a few years. I work in higher education and we basically do absolutely nothing. Every suggested change has to be analyzed and examined by various teams and a long line of managers, and contract analysts, subject matter experts and what not, leading to hours and hours of pointless meetings and research and further analysis until someone decides the change can't be made because it poses an extremely minor risk somehow. And they keep hiring more people to do this, which is baffling.
  18. Prozac made my hair fall out, but then the meds affect everyone differently. I'm so glad it worked for you. I agree seeing a psychiatrist is so important. They are more educated about all the medications, interactions and effects.
  19. I don’t find a lot of positive stories about antidepressants, or I find stories where people are taking the antidepressant the wrong way. I wanted to share my experience. A positive one. I’ve had generalized anxiety disorder, SEVERE OCD, and panic disorder for as long as I can remember. My first memory of having an episode was when I was 4 years old at my kindergarten interview. I feel as though I was born with the illnesses mentioned above, right from the womb. When I was a child I was extremely anxious, had bad separation anxiety from my parents and had extreme OCD, I was just a kid and thought that the way I was feeling is how all kids felt, I didn’t realize that I was different. This went on, and got even worse in middle school. I began developing trichtilomania in middle school. In high school I went from being a 90% above student, to failing every class within a couple of years. I couldn’t leave the house. My panic disorder and gad caused debilitating physical symptoms. I would be shaking when I had to leave the house, I wouldn’t drink alcohol because I was afraid of vomiting, I was suffering so much, for my whole entire life with severe phobias, fears, and anxiety. I prayed and prayed and prayed to God every night for it to go away. I was a 16 year old living in a prison of her own mind. It never went away. Every single day was the worst day of my life, I would wake up and the thoughts just started, I never had a break. My life was exhausting. I am of east indian background and my parents didn’t understand mental illness well. It is very taboo in my culture. I went to tons of doctors and they told me it was just growing pains, no doctor ever told me that maybe I should see a therapist. I didn’t have any support. When I was 22 I attempted suicide. Luckily the attempt didn’t work and I was forced to go on medication. I was livid, I was so against antidepressants, I was so so so scared, it felt unnatural. My general practitioner put me on Effexor, I took it for almost 8 weeks, it helped me to not want to **** myself, but It also made me gain tons of weight which made me depressed, and it make me hear voices. One evening a voice told me to choke my mom, and I started freaking out and my parents drove me immediately to the hospital. At the hospital I talked to a psych nurse who calmed me down, and got me an appointment with a psychiatrist the next day. This appointment and this psychiatrist saved my life, and changed my entire life. I want to really mention that you should not be going to a General Practitioner for mental illness medication, you should ALWAYS…ALWAYS go to a psychiatrist no matter what. If your GP is the only person you are seeing to help you manage your meds for ocd, anxiety, etc, that is the WRONG MOVE. That is such a common mistake people are making, you NEED a psychiatrist in order to get the meds right, please do not just go to your regular doctor, you’ll be cheating yourself. I went to the psychiatrist appointment the next day. It was the first time I had ever seen a psychiatrist. I got into her room and we talked about everything, my childhood, my phobias, my ocd. She then brought my parents into the room to explain the whole situation to them and the fact that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and that I have been suffering for way too long. My parents were so supportive. The doctor told me I was on the wrong medication, that I never should have been placed on Effexor which is an SNRI, and that I should be on an SSRI considering my main problem is OCD and GAD. We talked a lot about it and she told me she would like to place me on Prozac. She said for me, because my neural pathways have been the same for 20 plus years, that I would need a higher dosage of Prozac especially for anxiety and OCD. I see on this forum, that so many people are on 20mg, or 40mg for anxiety disorders. You should be on 60mg atleast, do not be afraid to go higher. People that say Prozac or an SSRI didn’t really do anything for their anxiety or ocd is because they are only taking a 20mg dose, That is not an OCD dose. 40-80mg for anxiety, and 60-120mg for OCD. Please up your dose. Use the medication, REALLY USE IT. Do not be afraid! My doctor started me on 40, eventually took me to 100, and then I went back to 80. Yes the side effects are insane, I was nauseated, I couldn’t sleep, I was shaking, I had anxiety, but she prescribed me Ativan and said to use it until the Prozac kicked in. That the Ativan would keep me comfortable until that happened. Don’t try to be a hero, use your Ativan or your Xanax or whatever to stay as comfortable as possible. I could write so much more, but I’ll conclude with this. 4 months after being on 80mg of Prozac everyday, I woke up one day and I was cured. Yes cured. I had no OCD, I had no anxiety, I no longer had fears or phobias. I was cured. You have no idea how that day felt. It was like the first day of my whole entire life. I woke up being the real me, who is free spirited, and loves alcohol and isn’t afraid of anything! I was finally free, I was no longer a prisoner. I didn’t even have to go to therapy. I just woke up one day a brand new person, from taking a high dose of Prozac every single day. DO NOT go off of the antidepressants. Your ocd, your anxiety, depression etc will come back. I WOULD never dream or even think to come off of my antidepressants, I have an illness, that will return if I go off the medication, because I have a brain disorder. OCD is a brain disorder. Do not stop taking medication for your brain disorder, do not try to fix your brain disorder with just a 20mg or 40mg dose. Own your medication, be on it for life. It’s been 5 years since I have been cured. If it wasn’t for Prozac, I would be dead. 1) You need a psychiatrist 2) Do not be afraid to take more than 40mg of Prozac to treat panic attacks etc, I am on 80mg a day and my life is a ball. It is so wonderful and so carefree. 3) Do not stop the meds. Be on the meds for life.
  20. That sucks. Although my anxiety is high, my irritability is relatively under control. I was more irritable on Cipralex and Remeron than I am now. Boy, it's sometimes hard to figure out what's what.
  21. Hi Kristen114 and welcome! Please forgive the brevity of my reply to you, but I have pain from tendinitis in both hands and I cannot type for long. You certainly deserve a better response than mine and I hope some one here will give that to you. I just want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this ordeal. Depression is just a brutal, brutal illness. Do you know the CBT theory of labels and pejorative framing? This could [?] be of some help to you. It helped me and still helps through the vicissitudes of the courses of medical treatment for my depression. Anyway . . . I hope you find this site as helpful as I have. I could be wrong, but I don't really think there is a substitute for being able to communicate with people going through the same things or similar things. I wish you only good things Kristen! - epictetus
  22. Just checking in to report that I had my very first therapy session today to address my anxiety issues. It was an introductory session so she just asked me some general questions. I actually completely forgot to mention my CO and the maladaptive daydreaming, but maybe that'll come out at some point. She seemed nice. I'll be seeing her again in two weeks.
  23. 15.5 km today. Training in full swing
  24. Nice to meet you J1967 I hope you feel comfortable here, and it helps things become clearer to what is going on inside you. In the mean time take care
  25. Reading your post there is a huge sense of guilt. In order to make any in-roads long term, you have to allow yourself to forgive yourself. That is a difficult process as I would reckon a lot of us on the forums have this problem. But it can be done. Ask yourself was there anything malicious that you did, but again, depression makes us think that we are guilty. You can recover from this, but it will take a bit of soul baring to friends and family to move on. I think you want to do this though and we are all here to help if you want it. You do need the help that can be got to turn things around. It is depression lying to you saying that your life is ruined - it isn't! You've taken a big step by admitting to us here that you do need help - now take it a step further by asking the people that matter for their help.
  26. Hi all, a little update on this as it has been a few weeks. I appreciate all the advice I have received from you all. On my last message here I mentioned that I had messaged her, well she messaged back that night and actually said "Love You" first on the last text of the evening. She then proceeded to totally change her tune about not wanting to do much that weekend and we went on two trips, one to see my mother and another to a shopping complex. Since that point she still did not message every break but messaged a lot. We then had our one year anniversary and did lots over the weekend of it in early May to celebrate. She seemed very much back like her old self and things looked on the up. Since then however when I see her on a weekend she seems ok and chatty and such in person. However over text message it has gone back to the ages between replies and one word replies like LOL and Yup. She sometimes puts a longer message together but in a day I am always the first person to initiate contact. So in summary on that she seems to be quite fine in person but I am not sure if it is work stress and such causing her to seem more "snappy" or looking in to it more it could just be that as the relationship has gone on it is a natural progression to not text as much and I am being paranoid. (The issue here is every other relationship I have had long term the person ended up moving in with me quickly so this is strange being with someone so long and not seeing them every day, it could just be normal that the texts don't continue to constantly flood through: Maybe she has came out of the so called honeymoon phase slightly before me?) The only other thing that concerns me is that she is always very tired which I have seen associated with depression. For example whether she goes to bed at 9 or midnight she is still pretty much constantly tired and has more than once referred to feeling like a zombie. I know that is quite a ramble but hopefully it makes sense. Any advice welcome
  27. I definitely think the law of attraction works but similar to lonely foreigners post , not for the reason people claim. On a neurological level the thoughts we think create bigger and stronger neural pathways the more we think those thoughts. With depression we are thinking a lot of negative thoughts frequently and these neural pathways turn into superhighways and pretty quick our negative thoughts are racing down those freeways all over our mind. It's pretty hard to see any positive in situations when our brains are now hard wired to think negatively. but we can create the same superhighways for positive thinking. It takes a lot of effort and work which can be difficult for those in a depressive state sapped of energy. But it does work. Forcing ourselves to think, repeat and say aloud positive thoughts, to listen to positive thinking type podcasts and talk radio and read positive thinking type books....surround ourselves with positive people etc. Doing all these things will make our lives more positive and we will start to be able to realize the possible positive avenues in our life and choose them.
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