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      A Reminder that we are a PG13 Site   12/09/2016

      Please keep in mind that NO content can be posted that is not PG13!  No sexual content and definitely not images which is not permitted in a post! We will delete it.  Not even memes or humorous images should be posted, if you want these forums to continue. NO IMAGES! If you want to post an image, post the URL pointing it to your gallery.  Again, Depressionforums.org is PG13!! Thank you~ ~Forum Admin  

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  1. Past hour
  2. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I'm a bit worried for tomorrow but no where near as bad x
  3. Hi everybody! It's a while since I've posted here, but I've been back to read now and then. I have phases of forcing myself to avoid CO-related online activity (including this site), as it can just lead onto obsessive searching for anything on my CO. But it's great to come back now and then, catch up on the conversation, and know I can be understood! Right now I feel I have to post, as the last few days have brought me great joy and then maybe some little pain, none of which I can possibly talk about with anyone in my life, only here! Let me explain... Last Sunday was my CO's birthday. Around this time of year I allow myself a bit more licence to obsess, to dream, to think of her... I always send a present, a card, and I write her a poem - not a love poem (don't want to scare her off!), but more a fan poem about the great things she's done, her talents and values, and how she inspires me, and so on. And I've been so lucky that many times she's replied to me (a card, an email, maybe both) and told me how she appreciates my support. So this year, as usual, I sent the poem by post (written in the card) and by email on the day itself. The next day, when I checked my mails... omg, butterflies, her name... I open... it's a beautiful message - it's very her, it's fun, it's full of emojis. She says "your message meant the 🌎 to me" (wow!) and "so much love" (wow!) and I love it! I keep looking at her message again and again. I keep reading my poem, trying to see it through her eyes, imagining how she felt (I made her smile, I made her feel good, I did something for her that she loved and appreciated) and it's a massive high! I've had the same feeling other times (and when I met her - off the scale!) but each time it's still special. Of course the high can only last so long before it dissipates into a kind of sadness and loneliness at the distance between us. I'm sure other people understand what I mean. But I'm used to that, and it's not long till Xmas, when I send her something and she usually sends me a card with a sweet message. I know I'm very, very lucky to have this level of contact with my CO and it makes me happy every time I think of it. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this. I can't talk about this to anyone except here, and some things you just want to share!
  4. loss of love and anhedonia

    So I'm looking for some advice. Lately, I've had this horrible feeling in my relationship that something is wrong, or missing, but I havent been able to figure out why. My boyfriend is my best friend, and we've been dating for a year and a half. He's exceptionally sweet, and he senses something is wrong and is willing to do anything to help. When i brush it off and say i'm just stressed with school, he offers to do my laundry so i can focus on studying, stuff like that. I used to feel so in love with him, but now i feel empty. I just feel irritated with him for no reason and i know im hurting him but i can't seem to stop this feelings. It got to the point today that i started googling loss of love and found the word anhedonia, which ive never heard of before. after some research, it brought me here. i have really bad anxiety, which ive been dealing with for years, and recently starting taking escitolopram for a few months before i started feeling a lot better and eventually just never refilled my prescription, ( i know, very stupid, but unfortunately the more i put it off the more anxious it makes me and i just keep avoiding it) the meds helped a lot with the anxiety, and now that i've stopped it's really starting up again. i've never been so confused in my life. i feel like i can't control what's going on in my own mind. i lost my appetite a while ago, and nowadays, i know i need to eat but i open my fridge and it seems like nothing in the world will ever be appetizing again. i don't play music in my house anymore, even though i used to love doing that. i find that, i get bored at home, and will put a tv show or something on, and not even want to pay attention. every day, i tell myself to "just get through this day." sleeping is what i look forward to the most. and now, even my relationship, which used to bring me so much joy, feels so flat. i have no idea what to do. i know in my heart that leaving him would not make me any happier, because part of me knows that he's not really the problem, but still, i can't shake the feeling that somethings not right, and i can't keep going through the motions with him forever. the worst part is i can still picture myself ending up with him in the future because we've talked about it before and i would love to have a family with him, but at the same time, i can't feel any excitement for the future. i'm graduating from university this year and i have no idea what i'm doing after and frankly no desire to even start thinking about it. if anything, thinking about the future makes me sad because of how scary it is for me to think about living each day. i'm just so stuck, but i feel like its not fair for me to pull the people i care about into this hole. i don't know what to do anymore. :(
  5. Random Thoughts 2

    !@#$%&* - KS
  6. Today
  7. Ignore

    Why am i afraid to cry when there's someone in the next room? I'm a landlord and feel scared about my lodger hearing me. The walls are pretty thin. Sorry just realised i posted this twice
  8. Afraid to cry

    Why am i afraid to cry when theres someone in the next room? I'm a landlord and feel scared about my lodger hearing me. The walls are pretty thin.
  9. I'd day what began to make me question my religion was the fact that not only was it shoved down my throat but the fact that it made no sense i mean how can i believe in something that has not yet been proven. with all the rules and other story's in the bible i can, it honestly makes no sense. honestly to me religion disconnects us more then it connects us.
  10. Obsessed with Colleague

    Update: this morning I took 1/2 my effexor dose (new dose sent to me by pdoc) and I already feel MUCH less obsessed. It could be a placebo effect, but I am so relieved. Really hoping that was the cause...I remembered when I was reading Effexor reviews before I went on the med that a lady said she cheated on her husband while taking it, and then when she got off it she had no idea why she did it. I remembered that review and it's what caused me to think maybe the med was influencing these feelings. I really think it is/was.
  11. What's On Your Mind Right Now?

    I fortunately hung on until my daughter was out of high school before completely unravelling. I could have been a much better dad of course, but I was there for her. I still am now that she's a senior in college. But it's a constant struggle.
  12. I feel like it's impossible to change.

    Hi Molly Yllom and welcome to the Forums, I am so sorry you are suffering from severe anhedonia. What a terrible and brutal illness it is. Are you receiving any medical care for the illness? You mention mindfulness, are in the care of a therapist? Your life is too important to be burdened with anhedonia. Although none of us here are physicians or medical professionals, we are fellow sufferers. Hopefully you will find this site as helpful to you as it has been to me. Even though I receive medical care for my depression, I feel that there is a real need for communicating with people going through the same or similar things as myself. Several members here suffer from severe anhedonia so I hope you will receive some really helpful responses to your poignant post. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering so!!! - epictetus
  13. Apology?

    I have done this with specific friends and relatives - but I apologized for those manifestations of my depression that I know have inconvenienced them and made the relationship difficult. Most usually, this would be for things like accepting invitations or obligations and then bowing out, owing to my inability to leave the house or unwillingness to face them or the public. Or for their being unable to plan on counting on me for things, when relying on me would make their lives easier. These are the things I constantly feel guilty for, and for which I have time to time gone to those people and apologized. But not a generic apology for having a mental illness.
  14. Is Unselfishness a 'Cure' for Anxiety?

    I think the DF has kind of relaxed its former policies about not talking about religion which your right is a very good thing. Seen the light one might say. I am no longer religious after years and years of his being extremely formative for me. I also went through an atheist, agnostic and probably now something like a deistic belief that finds more hope in faith in connectedness through things like neuroscience and the mysteries of quantum physics, literature, art, and humanism (human relationships and potential). It's interesting to note that we seem to experience the same good feelings about doing something good whether we set out and anticipate it and whether we are doing it for that reason or not. I have always thought that doing good should be encouraged and should be celebrated but John Piper help me understand it on a much deeper and clear level and most importantly without the guilt that traditional conventional Christianity necessarily levies on people about this.
  15. What Are You Eating?

    Cinnamon toast
  16. Boys Vs Girls

    34
  17. The infinite drop

    I hear you, JMS25. I could have written this myself. I am so sorry you are suffering like this😞 I wish I had some sage advice to offer, but I am in free fall my ode myself. I hope you find a way to arrest your descent. I know I've been trying to stop my own for all of my life... ((((Hugs))))
  18. I've been on 20mg of citalopram for over 3 months now and I have barely any appetite now. I force myself to eat during the day but 1500 calories feels like 5000 calories to me now! In addition to poor appetite, I also get a lack of pleasure from food and really bad indigestion after eating anything. If it wasn't for forcing myself to eat, I would be very underweight by now. Due to the discomfort I'm getting in my stomach and intestines, I'm tempted to just give in and barely eat anything but I'm fed up of having the body of a 12 year old girl. I've already been on antacids for about 2 weeks. They have helped a little but not much.
  19. Zoloft

    Hi, seems as tho Zoloft works the best for me. I've tried other meds. The question I have for you guys is does anyone have those libido issues with Zoloft and how do you combat those issues?
  20. About a month and a half ago I was laid off from an out of state job that had kept me on for a year. I had offered to relocate and wanted to. But they did not put me to work. I worked only 3 months out of the year. This was the only decent paying flipping job that I could get. I went back to the position (mudlogging) after promising myself I would not. I am tired of workingout on the rigs. I got a small job in my home town a few weeks before those s***s let me go. This job is far below my training and experience. I cannot seem to do better though. I had a brief job as an assistant grading inspector about 2 years ago but was let go because I failed my review which was after I recovered from surgery. My doctor had not allowed me to do anything work related for a month after. I took it for granted and lost the job which I hated also. I have been reaching out a lot more on LinkedIn. Although I have been talking with a lot more people I have not gotten anything meaningful yet. I have also been taking a course that teaches networking, resume and cover letter writing, etc. These things are positive but they are not getting me results. So here I a college graduate working as a damn driver. I hate it because it is boring. I am trying to move forward. Positivity is not enough. In some ways I feel like Jaime Foxx's character in Collateral. Being some little dreamer b***** who cannot get anything done. I am 32.5 damned years old, have a BS in Geology, less than 10k in the bank, still living at home (at least I have supportive parents). I know I need to be more independent but I cannot seem to find and keep a decent job. My father flew military aircraft 20 years ago and has a very concerning cough. I am studying for a foundations inspector position at this company in town. I just need to pass the panel. I hope you are doing better than me.
  21. Wellbutrin with SSRI - questions

    Hi there, You should really give an antidepressant the full 8 weeks trial to decide if it's the one for you or not. I don't think your experience is unusual, the start-up effects of a drug are always weird and inconsistent. For me personally, my depression didn't begin to lift until about 2 months in on Wellbutrin. Another thing to consider is upping the dosage after a few weeks. I started on 150 mg and went up to 300. In regard to the SSRI question, I think it would be worth trying if the Wellbutrin doesn't work for you. Like other people said, yes some people will experience blunted emotions but other people get their emotions back and feel like themselves again on an SSRI. Everyone's chemistry is unique; it's really just trial and error. I know how awful dealing with this stuff is but stay strong, something will work for you and you will get better.
  22. Hello there all_riled_up, It's been a while since a last posted. And a lot has happened. I went to see my GP to ask him about the supplements. And well, he said he couldn't help me. Because supplements are unproven ways to treat depression. So I had to figure it out myself. With this in mind I sat at home for a few days wondering what to do now. Unfortunately I began having some weird neurological symptoms the evening after my appointment with my GP. Same sort issues I was having about 1 and a half years ago. Back then I was checked rather well for any diseases that could cause my symptoms. Everything was fine, so they said it was because of my stress and anxiety. I haven't been to a doctor since the symptoms reappeared, because well, I'm stresses out again and have had a lot of episodes of constant anxiety again. But yet somewhere I fear that it may be more then that. Anyway, a week passes and I spoke with my psychiatrist. I asked him whether it would be safer for me to try a new anti depressant or try and search for a supplement. (Of course he chose for the anti depressant hehe) So he set me on a very low dose of Clomipramine, just to be sure that no new forceful thoughts would reappear. Apparently it's an older tryciclic AD. So I will have to see how this one goes. I do feel a bit alarmed though, since two days I've been experiencing some sort of "depersonalisation" I don't feel myself anymore. And it's not because of the new AD, because I am starting that one tomorrow. And I'm not sure what caused it. I have an idea though, that because of the severe depression I no longer enjoy anything. I feel empty, and feel like giving up. The hope at the moment is so dim that I'm just rather "here" instead of living life. That's how it feels.. I just exist, nothing more, nothing less. And yet I keep doing simple things, like hanging out with friends, hoping that one day I will feel like myself again. And I hope that day is soon. Because no one should have to feel like I do right now. And well, it's funny how your idea's change when the situation gets dire, first I despised the AD's even though they help. And now I hope they can save me. Even though that hope is rather dim. If you've come this far, thanks for reading. I hope you are doing well.
  23. Please ignore my empty response above, I was responding to some troll was on here earlier and it looks like he was deleted (yay!)
  24. I'm getting depressed again

    Update: Still depressed out of my mind. About 65% of programs have sent out interviews and I only have a handful. I'm trying to study but obviously I have C portion of SIG E CAPS...confused and disoriented. My sister stopped talking to me because I'm a terrible person to talk to these days; I'm extremely down. I'm afraid to go on the few interviews I have because my self esteem doesn't exist right now. If you start talking to me about my board score, I can't help but break down. It's not fair that other people are seen as better than me just because they got 3-5% more questions right than me on one freaking test. I hate medicine, I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I just keep torturing myself. I did this to myself four years ago, and it's like deja-vu all over again. I feel bad that my parents continue to support me so much, I don't deserve it. I feel so destroyed inside. Nobody sees the all the good I actually did in medical school, they only see me for one bad score.
  25. what do you eat in a day?

    Pizza is very high in calories, and if you have lots of vegetables it's pretty healthy.
  26. Yesterday
  27. Wallflower

    @lonelyforeigner That was some really good advice! :)
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