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  1. Today
  2. I wish I could say something useful. The only way is to force oneself to go out and find people. Easier said than done. It's a bit like a joke about certain kinds of work experiences. To get a job you need 40 years of experience at the age of 20 or something. To find the right people you need the right people to help you find the right people... blah. I wish you'll feel better!
  3. Yesterday
  4. It's like having the voice of an abusive parent in our heads all the time. I fully believe that us and this whole universe is a science experiment. There are so many things that are so amazing that it makes me speechless but also a lot of things that make me think what the hell was the thought process here? The question to why would the creator want to put an abusive voice in our heads when we're struggling can start a conversation that could last the rest of our lives. If there is a god or a scientist responsible for all of this. I hope I get a chance to have a very long conversation with this being.
  5. Cut her off and never look back. It is the best move you will ever make.
  6. I have still severe social anxiety when going out to shop or eat out with my family, evening taking walks by myself. I do tend to look down at times still when passing people. However currently this year I'm becoming more confident and braver slowly with my therapy and standing tall looking up more at people. Not caring anymore if I get looks of what I look like possibly racist wise still, who knows. ( I'm one of a kind unique looking since I'm seven ( 7 ) ethnicities. Some find me cute and fastening, others don't like how I look and either stare like "what are you? " or possibly still be racist towards me judging me. ) I try my best to walk each day to get fresh air be in nature and get a workout from it. However it's sometimes hard for me to get outside still and do that from developing being afraid to leave my home, plus just afraid of people as well in general. Lastly I really don't like where I live since we really have no real nature to look at or be around. Plus it gets dangerous hot in the summer time. I can't move sadly due to my family not wanting to move at least not now I think. They like there jobs plus my therapist is here as well. Though they don't like it here much as well weather wise and nothing to due in my city. We shall see what happens going on in life for me. I'm not ready yet to live on my own so I'm grateful and very happy I'm roommates with my sister. As for online social anxiety I'm extremely cautious and can get very nervous when talking to others online sometimes. Due to being hurt countless times by people online starting when I was a pre-teen. However I know how to read people extremely well online and in person with my strong intuition and know all the red flags to protect myself and be safe.
  7. I admit when I was in my late teens through my early twenties I didn't take proper care of myself like showering and cleaning my house very much. I was extremely depressed and had low engery, sleeping problems, no self love towards myself and very low self esteem as well. My mother one day told me to try each day to shower taking it slow. Then I did what she said and things are now 100% better for me as I kept doing it taking care of my body, showing every day showing myself self love. I've been cleaning more and now I like things to stay clean, organized and nice looking. Mess REALLY bothers me. My self esteem improved as well really well over the years and now I'm very happy how my life is now currently and all the support I have as well.
  8. does ashwaganda work for you? i dont think i ever tred but i was just curious. how much do you take? i took effexor (Venlafaxine) years ago and it worked for like 2 years, so i might ask the doctor it's been over 10 years maybe if it will help again i dont know.
  9. My cat who's been by side every day for a while now from what I've been going through a few things recently happening in my personal life. He can sense my anxiety, worry or stress and comes by me cuddles with me to help make me feel better. I'm very grateful he's in my life since he's my best friend, buddy , companion and therpy cat. I'm beyond honored he chose me when I adopted him at a cat rescue center now 5 years ago.
  10. truthfully, i dont want anything but my health, i don't care for anything else, but there's no buying that. i suppose if i did have extra money i'd like to travel and visit some different areas, it's always nice to explore and see different things..
  11. Watching the sunrise in my bedroom with my cat sleeping beside me, hearing the birds sing there songs.
  12. Where do I belong? To try to be around people or by myself as I was before? Since I'm always meeting the not good one's who hurt me so. That has been all my life disappointment after another with a broken fragile heart. We'll shall see what happens to me going on with my life and what I'll do. I'm very content and happy alone if nothing ever happens I made peace with it.
  13. I was in a very devoted relationship and engaged to a woman. One day she left me on a cold winter night and cheated on me. I would go to the gym and punch the bag until my knuckled would bleed. I would pray until I could not talk anymore, I would force myself to smile and laugh hysterically to trick myself into feeling better. I grew up poor, in a bad neighborhood both parents had abusive horrible lives. The military treated me like an animal sometimes, people abused their authority. I would like to say I clawed my way out on my own but I did not. Smart and kind people helped me. People gave food to me when I was hungry and then I started to believe not all humans are evil. Even though I was betrayed, I found someone else who is kind to me. The biggest thing is you have to put yourself out there. Somewhere in the world there is a person with love to give but they don't know who you are because you suffer in silence. Thats why you cant be alone all the time. And for men it is difficult because they are conditioned to be self reliant and supress emotions.
  14. It sounds like he may be a toxic person but there also seems to be some hope that he cares as well. When I said meet halfway, I think you should extend your hand but remain somewhat guarded for your sake to family and see if he meets halfway. He may be an incredibly flawed person but is still your brother and a mother wants to see her children get along and prosper. To me it is like artists who are not appreciated until they are dead. If you lost your brother the next day too would you wish you made amends or breathe a sigh of relief? That is how I would judge if I had that situation.
  15. Hi, sober4life! Thanks for your answer too. You mean Physical exercise like running and body building etc...?
  16. Good morning Miss Nightjar. Sorry - Canada exists in another space-time continuum. Since you're from the future, could you send me some stock tips?
  17. Last week
  18. I'm very sorry that happened to you too I would of gone to the police but I didn't have real evidence to show I was and it would be he said she said stuff. So like you I tried that place for help and never got justice and they said or didn't do anything to help me. I will NEVER forgive him and some other things a few done to me over the years. Though over time I did let some of my pain go by letting it go and forgiving them.
  19. I've been through traumatic and not they best things pretty much since age twelve. I had countless people hurt me in so many ways I now fear people, to get close and maybe if it happens find that one true friend I always wanted that accepts me. Then to know what love truly is like, to be loved and cared by another. Alas since I always get hurt in someway or disappointed by people when I try to open up to someone they leave. Since they don't like me for tons of reasons one me being my true authentic self. Since I don't like nor follow how society says to do things to be accepted and regual like them. I do my own thing and I suppose no one likes that from a gal like me. I do feel like a lone wolf the only pack I have is my all family, pets and my help team. I think maybe I'm not cut out for having relations with other people. So if it dose happen I already accepted my fate being alone the rest of my life. Never experiencing friendship nor a romantic relationship with another. What ever happens, happens I'm not despret in finding those things since I like to take my time and I also can read people extremely well Intuitive wise. Just always be yourself and not try and change it just to please others to be friend you. People the right kinds will like you and accept you just being your true authentic self. Thats real friendship or maybe the romantic kind who knows. Hang in there best you can everyday things can and will get better.
  20. I walked to the lake and back today. I saw a snake. He was trying as hard as he could to stay still so I didn't see him there like they all do. It makes me laugh thinking about how I used to be afraid of them like a lot of people but there is nothing to worry about really. I've never been bit my whole life. The only close calls are from almost stepping on them on accident working in the garden or something. I'm tired of animals getting a bad rap in this world. You know all this went through my mind and I started to cry and wanted to pick him up and hug him.
  21. Therapy has been my saving grace…also posting here and elsewhere. My family doesn’t understand and I’ve got no friends to talk to.
  22. This reminds me of a long-lost-friend. We knew a lot of 'Bills' at the time, so we prepended each Bill with another descriptor. Fish-Bill was your typical party-hard rig-worker. Six weeks on, and four weeks off, more money than he knew what to do with, and a taste for mind-altering substances. When we left the apartment building we both lived in, we lost contact for a couple of years. The next time we chatted he was homeless and wanting to get to his parents' place across the country. We gave him a place to stay, got him a change of clothes and a shower, and arranged for his parents to send him some money. When the money arrived, we offered to pick up the plane ticket for him and drive him to the airport. "Don't worry about it", sez he, "you've done enough." Two days later his parents phone us. "Where's Bill?" "Hmmm, should be there." "Nope, not here." "Okay, we'll check." Suffice to say Fish-Bill left our place and proceeded to shoot his $1500 travel money into his arm. We found him again (homeless), and his parents arranged for a plane ticket to be picked up at the airport. We got him cleaned up, gave his some more clothes, drove him to the airport, and never saw him again. Fish-Bill was a good dude and a good friend. Fish-Bill on morphine and heroin was a manipulative, lying creep. I miss Fish-Bill, we have tried to find him but have had no luck. You can love your sister but hate the drug thing. Folks who have never dealt with an addiction have no idea how it subverts your very sense of self and turns you into something other than what you are. How else do you explain someone purposely hurting their unborn baby? With respect to your Q, I hope you can make the distinction between your sister and your drug-addicted-sister. The former is worthy of your love and help, the second is worthy of nothing but caring medical intervention. CherryApplez2020, you can say 'no' to your drug-addicted-sister without any guilt whatsoever - IMO, she's not your sister, she's just a junkie wearing a costume that makes her look like your sister.
  23. HeatherG, Thank you. I'm sure there are no words for the loss of your mother, but nevertheless, I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have a difficult time generally, and that this pandemic year, etc. has wrought a parade of horrors on top of it. I empathize with you. It has been a strange year for me. The pandemic had its stress and change for our family, but really mainly, for me (and I hear you saying some of this too), it was other things for me. It was the deep, raw constant stress of the pain of dysfunctional family relationships I can't seem to fix or improve. It was job stress. And though I ended up accomplishing much that I feel (or felt) good and proud of...and thought I was building some security beyond the normal cycle of relapse or crash, now it feels like the bottom is falling out again. I like your language about turning corners, but other corners waiting for us. That metaphor makes sense to me. I am struggling moment by moment right now and this has been building in recent months and weeks. I'm consumed by the intensity of all the negative emotions (guilt, shame, fear, anger, disgust, self-hatred), and the negative thoughts that come with them. I feel and can see my brain and body nearly shutting down, just being overwhelmed. I know I am hardly alone in this here. I just can't believe its happening again, and of course don't know what impact it will have. I'm striving to keep it from causing catastrophe again for myself and my family. And the most insidious lie of depression is back - that this will never change or get better again. Though it is not a fact, it seems so true. Anyhow, I so appreciate your kind words, and it gives me some encouragement and even joy in the midst of madness to hear that something I've done or said, might have been able to help you or others here. Likewise, please keep carrying on. I need you, we need you.
  24. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT MYSELF. I'M NOT A DOCTOR AND THIS IS NOT TO BE CONSIDERED MEDICAL ADVICE. From the threads about Remeron I've read, I may have everyone beat in the length of time I've been on it. I was first prescribed it at 25 years ago and have been on it ever since. I started at 15mg and ended up at 45mg. The irony is, that I never really felt it helped me, but I just kept doing what my doctors advised. It was Wellbutrin that actually pulled me out of a severe, major depression back in the 90s. About 5 years ago, I decided to try to get off of Remeron. I had successfully tapered off of other drugs and wanted very much to get off of Remeron. I had tapered off of tranquilizers before that, and discovered that Remeron was causing me a bad case of restless legs which the tranquilizers had masked. Since I was on such a high dose of Remeron at the time, I started taking it in the morning. I knew that at 45mg it was not helping me sleep. Taking it in the morning worked, because I would be up and moving around and the restless legs weren't a problem. I had read some real horror stories about coming off of Remeron, and after so many years, I decided to do it VERY slowly. The traditional advice for tapering psychotropic drugs is NO MORE than 10% at a time - and no more often than every 2 weeks. I started at less than 4% a month. I'm skilled at pill splitting, so I cut the 45mg pill into 4ths and one day a week I would only take 33.75mg. Once a month, I would lower my dose, always keeping below or around a 5% drop. Eventually I got to a 30mg pill which I also began to split into 4 quarters. I didn't begin to run into problems until I tried to go below 15mg a day. I experienced a sharp increase in tinnitus (ear ringing) when I tried to drop to 7.5mg once a week (a 7% drop). I immediately reinstated (went back up) to 15mg a day while I figured out what to do. After about a month, when I felt stable, I got 15mg tablets which I split into quarters and went down to 11.25mg one day a week (initially a 3% drop). As you can imagine, this took a long, long time. I did begin to experience some withdrawal symptoms - mostly sporadic, mild itching when I got below 15mg. You may or may not know that Remeron is a type of antihistamine (Boy, the things I've learned on this journey!). I would wait until the itching stopped before I tried another drop. This meant getting down to 11.25mg daily took me about a year. When nurses ask me about my medications, they won't accept that I take 11.25mg of Remeron, so I just tell them 15. They seem to get angry about it when I'm truthful. Sigh. I became quite ill for awhile from other things. First I was unable to get the generic bupropion that I had been taking for years (Mylan) and all the others I tried had awful side effects and/or didn't work. This went of for months and months. My doctor finally got my insurance company to spring for the brand name Wellbutrin which works great. But I was having other physical problems as well, and it didn't seem like a good time to try to taper Remeron when I was already sick. Now, 2 years since my last Remeron taper, I decided to try to get down to 7.5mg a day - again, by dropping 3.75mg once a week. I know Remeron has a half life of 20-40 hours, so I was alert to withdrawal symptoms after 2-4 days. Yesterday was day 4. I had a difficult night, didn't sleep well, and had a whopping nightmare this morning. I don't have nightmares. But I know that Remeron can cause nightmares and withdrawal from Remeron can cause them. I was also headachy yesterday and nauseated this morning. I don't know if either of these had anything to do with Remeron withdrawal, but I wouldn't be surprised. Titrating Remeron (rather than dropping once a week) is preferable, but it's a hassle to crush the pills and mix them with a solution and to get a prescription solution from a pharmacy is expensive. I'd also have to convince my doctor that I need to withdraw slowly and get him to prescribe the compound. In my experience, very few doctors have any idea how slowly one must taper off of psychotropic drugs. For some people withdrawal is easier than for others, but you have to listen to what your own body is telling you. Stopping abruptly or too quickly (I've done both) can prolong withdrawal symptoms. In my experience, it's better to reinstate to your last dose if you've withdrawn to fast and withdrawal is too painful or problematic. Slow down and regroup. Give your body time to adjust. You don't have to suffer. Take your time. I know how desperately some of us (me included) want to get off of these meds as quickly as possible, but it just ain't always that easy. I'm sorry this is so long, but 25 years is a long time, and my Remeron withdrawal journey started 5 years ago, so it's kind of a long story. It may sound like I'm only trying to give advice based on my own experience, but I'm really looking for advice and encouragement from others who have successfully tapered off of Remeron or the experience of others that are trying to. Thanks if you've managed to read through all of this, and I appreciate any comments.
  25. I spoke to the other doctors surgery and asked if they are taking new patients and I explained why I wasn’t happy with my current GP surgery and they said “sure just come in and fill in new patient forms” so I will do that. In the meantime I will request a months worth or new medication and collect that, then fill out the forms and be done with that doctor practice. Life’s to short to put up with poor behaviour from doctors.
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