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      A Reminder that we are a PG13 Site   12/09/2016

      Please keep in mind that NO content can be posted that is not PG13!  No sexual content and definitely not images which is not permitted in a post! We will delete it.  Not even memes or humorous images should be posted, if you want these forums to continue. NO IMAGES! If you want to post an image, post the URL pointing it to your gallery.  Again, is PG13!! Thank you~ ~Forum Admin  

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  2. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I'm a bit worried for tomorrow but no where near as bad x
  3. Hi everybody! It's a while since I've posted here, but I've been back to read now and then. I have phases of forcing myself to avoid CO-related online activity (including this site), as it can just lead onto obsessive searching for anything on my CO. But it's great to come back now and then, catch up on the conversation, and know I can be understood! Right now I feel I have to post, as the last few days have brought me great joy and then maybe some little pain, none of which I can possibly talk about with anyone in my life, only here! Let me explain... Last Sunday was my CO's birthday. Around this time of year I allow myself a bit more licence to obsess, to dream, to think of her... I always send a present, a card, and I write her a poem - not a love poem (don't want to scare her off!), but more a fan poem about the great things she's done, her talents and values, and how she inspires me, and so on. And I've been so lucky that many times she's replied to me (a card, an email, maybe both) and told me how she appreciates my support. So this year, as usual, I sent the poem by post (written in the card) and by email on the day itself. The next day, when I checked my mails... omg, butterflies, her name... I open... it's a beautiful message - it's very her, it's fun, it's full of emojis. She says "your message meant the 🌎 to me" (wow!) and "so much love" (wow!) and I love it! I keep looking at her message again and again. I keep reading my poem, trying to see it through her eyes, imagining how she felt (I made her smile, I made her feel good, I did something for her that she loved and appreciated) and it's a massive high! I've had the same feeling other times (and when I met her - off the scale!) but each time it's still special. Of course the high can only last so long before it dissipates into a kind of sadness and loneliness at the distance between us. I'm sure other people understand what I mean. But I'm used to that, and it's not long till Xmas, when I send her something and she usually sends me a card with a sweet message. I know I'm very, very lucky to have this level of contact with my CO and it makes me happy every time I think of it. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this. I can't talk about this to anyone except here, and some things you just want to share!
  4. loss of love and anhedonia

    So I'm looking for some advice. Lately, I've had this horrible feeling in my relationship that something is wrong, or missing, but I havent been able to figure out why. My boyfriend is my best friend, and we've been dating for a year and a half. He's exceptionally sweet, and he senses something is wrong and is willing to do anything to help. When i brush it off and say i'm just stressed with school, he offers to do my laundry so i can focus on studying, stuff like that. I used to feel so in love with him, but now i feel empty. I just feel irritated with him for no reason and i know im hurting him but i can't seem to stop this feelings. It got to the point today that i started googling loss of love and found the word anhedonia, which ive never heard of before. after some research, it brought me here. i have really bad anxiety, which ive been dealing with for years, and recently starting taking escitolopram for a few months before i started feeling a lot better and eventually just never refilled my prescription, ( i know, very stupid, but unfortunately the more i put it off the more anxious it makes me and i just keep avoiding it) the meds helped a lot with the anxiety, and now that i've stopped it's really starting up again. i've never been so confused in my life. i feel like i can't control what's going on in my own mind. i lost my appetite a while ago, and nowadays, i know i need to eat but i open my fridge and it seems like nothing in the world will ever be appetizing again. i don't play music in my house anymore, even though i used to love doing that. i find that, i get bored at home, and will put a tv show or something on, and not even want to pay attention. every day, i tell myself to "just get through this day." sleeping is what i look forward to the most. and now, even my relationship, which used to bring me so much joy, feels so flat. i have no idea what to do. i know in my heart that leaving him would not make me any happier, because part of me knows that he's not really the problem, but still, i can't shake the feeling that somethings not right, and i can't keep going through the motions with him forever. the worst part is i can still picture myself ending up with him in the future because we've talked about it before and i would love to have a family with him, but at the same time, i can't feel any excitement for the future. i'm graduating from university this year and i have no idea what i'm doing after and frankly no desire to even start thinking about it. if anything, thinking about the future makes me sad because of how scary it is for me to think about living each day. i'm just so stuck, but i feel like its not fair for me to pull the people i care about into this hole. i don't know what to do anymore. :(
  5. Random Thoughts 2

    !@#$%&* - KS
  6. Today
  7. Ignore

    Why am i afraid to cry when there's someone in the next room? I'm a landlord and feel scared about my lodger hearing me. The walls are pretty thin. Sorry just realised i posted this twice
  8. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Perfect metaphor for my life as well...
  9. Afraid to cry

    Why am i afraid to cry when theres someone in the next room? I'm a landlord and feel scared about my lodger hearing me. The walls are pretty thin.
  10. I'd day what began to make me question my religion was the fact that not only was it shoved down my throat but the fact that it made no sense i mean how can i believe in something that has not yet been proven. with all the rules and other story's in the bible i can, it honestly makes no sense. honestly to me religion disconnects us more then it connects us.
  11. Obsessed with Colleague

    Update: this morning I took 1/2 my effexor dose (new dose sent to me by pdoc) and I already feel MUCH less obsessed. It could be a placebo effect, but I am so relieved. Really hoping that was the cause...I remembered when I was reading Effexor reviews before I went on the med that a lady said she cheated on her husband while taking it, and then when she got off it she had no idea why she did it. I remembered that review and it's what caused me to think maybe the med was influencing these feelings. I really think it is/was.
  12. What's On Your Mind Right Now?

    I fortunately hung on until my daughter was out of high school before completely unravelling. I could have been a much better dad of course, but I was there for her. I still am now that she's a senior in college. But it's a constant struggle.
  13. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    When I was a kid, we had this record player that would get into an endless loop. When the needle would reach the end of the record, the arm would lift up, go back to the beginning of the record, and start playing it over again. That's symbolic of my life. The big record player just keeps playing the same dreadful song over and over again. Nothing changes. Except the record gets scratchier as time goes on so the song sounds sh!ttier each time it gets played.
  14. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Feels that way. But I'm going to wait and see. I'm not calling it for you, I'm asking for you and the rest of us to wait and see.
  15. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Yeah. I hate it when I start to feel "good" about something and then here comes the avalanche of manure to bury me again. I was thinking about some of the stupid crap I've done (the list is endless) and it drove me deeper and deeper into a self-hating stupor. "Well, just don't think about it". Hahahaha. Right?
  16. I feel like it's impossible to change.

    Hi Molly Yllom and welcome to the Forums, I am so sorry you are suffering from severe anhedonia. What a terrible and brutal illness it is. Are you receiving any medical care for the illness? You mention mindfulness, are in the care of a therapist? Your life is too important to be burdened with anhedonia. Although none of us here are physicians or medical professionals, we are fellow sufferers. Hopefully you will find this site as helpful to you as it has been to me. Even though I receive medical care for my depression, I feel that there is a real need for communicating with people going through the same or similar things as myself. Several members here suffer from severe anhedonia so I hope you will receive some really helpful responses to your poignant post. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering so!!! - epictetus
  17. These intrusive thoughts/obsessions/compulsions... I don't even know if it's real anxiety or not because most of the time I get obsessive and weird about the most mundane thing. Obsess over co for 5-minute periods throughout the day. "Omg I hate this, why do I have to deal with this stupid crush?" Later: feel great, feel great about her and otherwise content. Wash, rinse, and repeat with other topics... Yesterday is was about football/that football player

  18. Random Thoughts 2

  19. Apology?

    I have done this with specific friends and relatives - but I apologized for those manifestations of my depression that I know have inconvenienced them and made the relationship difficult. Most usually, this would be for things like accepting invitations or obligations and then bowing out, owing to my inability to leave the house or unwillingness to face them or the public. Or for their being unable to plan on counting on me for things, when relying on me would make their lives easier. These are the things I constantly feel guilty for, and for which I have time to time gone to those people and apologized. But not a generic apology for having a mental illness.
  20. Is Unselfishness a 'Cure' for Anxiety?

    I think the DF has kind of relaxed its former policies about not talking about religion which your right is a very good thing. Seen the light one might say. I am no longer religious after years and years of his being extremely formative for me. I also went through an atheist, agnostic and probably now something like a deistic belief that finds more hope in faith in connectedness through things like neuroscience and the mysteries of quantum physics, literature, art, and humanism (human relationships and potential). It's interesting to note that we seem to experience the same good feelings about doing something good whether we set out and anticipate it and whether we are doing it for that reason or not. I have always thought that doing good should be encouraged and should be celebrated but John Piper help me understand it on a much deeper and clear level and most importantly without the guilt that traditional conventional Christianity necessarily levies on people about this.
  21. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I'm feeling better... Cramping but fine... My panic attacks are gone after having huge ones for 2 days. They kept me from sleeping. Sending huge hugs for people who are suffering here *hugs to all of you* x
  22. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Wow that's great! Glad you enjoyed it... There's always something about warm, sunny days. They are always so beautiful and fun. Winter is beautiful too, shame it gets really cold... x
  23. I feel so empty that I cant feel pain nor pleasure, even the emptiness itself doesn't even bother me. Practicing mindfulness months back helped me quite a bit but with severe anheondia I feel like I don't have freewill left. Does anyone have advice?
  24. What Are You Eating?

    Cinnamon toast
  25. Boys Vs Girls

  26. What's On Your Mind Right Now?

    Ouch, that would be hurtful indeed :(
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