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  3. Hi, i'm new here. In fact, i've only skimmed through this website and read on some of the forums. Anyway as the title say, I'm kinda lost & confused. As of right now, I'm not diagnosed nor do i know if i have any mental issues, but lately i've been bothered by my own emotions. That's why i thought maybe i'd found answers/clue/help here. I'm in college right now and i would say the campus i'm in is among the top ones in the country i live in, hence it's hard to get in. But once you're in, it's also just as hard to survive. It's a very competitive and tight learning environment. To some extent more than a few students had semester leave due to depression, and i've heard some cases of depression going on my campus since i enrolled. it's just tough. As for me, i would say i'm just average, not a 4.0 student but i can still manage. Now the problem is; i start to feel hopeless at times especially since last semester. As the semester went further, the classes get harder and I'm not satisfied with myself. I keep telling myself to just study harder, but however hard i try, i always feel like i couldn't be as great as some of my peers. they seem to be out of my reach. Months ago i get my result out and i cried myself hard, i feel really hopeless to the point i wanted to vanish and not existing at all. i really bawled out that night. And remembering that moment frighten me because i've never been like that before (and hopefully i won't be like that again. also i'm not suicidal, that i'm sure). Was that crying just emotional relief? I mean feeling blue or stressed is normal, but now my emotions/thoughts are bothering me. Like i'm constantly scolding myself internally. I keep thinking of "i'm not happy with myself" or "why am i like this?" or "why am i so stupid?" or "you're such a failure". For almost 2 weeks now, It's hard for me to study like i usually do, I would say i'm a lazy-ass but now it's so hard to start and focus my mind on studying. I just feel resistant toward the idea of doing it, but when i don't do it, my mind won't shut up on scolding myself. I start to develop terrible mindset like "whats the point of doing this? whatever i do won't change the fact that i'm not enough or will ever be as good as them. I just couldn't excel this". At the end i'm just not feeling happy and kinda lost in thoughts about what have i done/become. These thoughts have reached the point where it bothers me and i couldn't just simply change or get rid of this toughts. I keep asking myself: am i just unmotivated? am i just lazy? maybe i'm just dumb? whats wrong with me? I honestly feel really overwhelmed, but i couldn't cry. I don't know why, i feel heavy and sad, but not a shred of tears would come out. I try to trigger it by watching/listening to sad movies and song but i won't cry even though honestly i'm so exhausted with my emotions. Am i showing some kind of mild depression symptoms? If yes, should i seek for professional help? Thank you so much!
  4. The improvement wasn't perfectly consistent with me- along the way there were days like you just had that popped up after several good days. Shoulda mentioned that in my post- sorry. Regarding dosage- does your doctor have any suggestion there? This is from Mayo Clinic for extended release: At first, 150 mg once a day in the morning. Your doctor may adjust your dose as needed. However, the dose is usually not more than 450 mg per day. If you can find any similarity between our situation here's my quick background- 57 years old, 200 pounds, all the 5 or 6 SSRI and SNRIs I've tried, including Wellbutrin and Vybrid, made soooo tired for the first couple weeks. Eventually this side effect lessened. With Wellbutrin I got the boost of energy after about 10 weeks and it hasn't gone away. Unfortunately that stimulating effect started keeping me up at night. That eventually led to Gabapentin- it's been great for 8 days now. I'm sleeping thru the night and the days have been pretty darn good. Hope this helps 🙂
  5. The animals act the same way with me. They think I'm the farmer bringing them hay usually. It's normal for farm animals to act that way.
  6. Feeling like my brain is soaked in stress chemicals Really need a financial windfall so huge I'll never need employment anymore
  7. I will be away from this site for a couple days. Do not have time to explain, but it is planned, not an emergency. Am struggling to keep progressing but seem to be holding my own. I have lots of random thoughts swirling around in my mind. I need to get focused or at least paste my 'coping with the world' expression on my face. I will be back.
  8. Waking up slowly. I might read in bed. I might use the bathroom then go back to 💤. I might doze off reading DF in bed. I haven't decided if I'm going to 😴 🛏 and this kind of uncertainty suits me.
  9. I'm bothered by the allies and enemies divisions in the leadership of my volunteer group. Old resentments, territory wars, envy and power plays appear in service work not just in businesses, I suppose. But I have a harder time accepting politics in volunteer organizations and how I hate being dragged into petty rows. I came very close to telling them all they can go eff themselves yesterday. Miss the days when you could smack somebody upside the head cause they acting a fool.
  10. Maybe restaurant for more social interaction? I think we could all do with some more of that 😳 Future me would like a cleaner when she is working full time. Also cat sitter while she is working all day. Have you always had a cleaner? Do you simply do dishes and laundry? (she says thinking dishes and laundry are quite enough for me to be getting along with thank-you very much).
  11. And yet some reap extreme profits, like Jeff Bezos gaining billions (with a "b") on days when Amazon stock shoots up. In contrast, others can't put food on the table because Congress can't pass a bill that would give them a few hundred more bucks a week in unemployment benefits. The gap between the rich and the poor is an extreme chasm and getting bigger every day...
  12. That is puzzling. When the event has a noticeable effect on my mood, I experience it in a sort of thats just what I needed! way. I kinda wanna understand this mystery so that I can control it (to use it with intention). But then again on the other hand, that control could erase many of the surprises in my life. I don't know if I can take more boredom. I have to be out of the house tomorrow afternoon while it's being cleaned, for a few hours. I'll certainly do some walking. What would be a nice thing to do for me? Should I bring my lunch to the park or sit in an outdoor restaurant?
  13. Maybe take her some food? At least then you will know she is having one good meal every day?
  14. Same here Sober. The light at the end of the tunnel is a fully loaded freight train coming straight at me.
  15. @Tymothi Please start over and write fiction again. It may help you.
  16. Hi there, I remeber I read your first post and I didnt relste it to only physical atraction at all. I think it was really clear that you are looking for a meaningful and stable relationship. Hope you can find someone, have you find dating sites ? Maybe in facebook.
  17. I think your post today explains more and I hope I did not misunderstand your first post horribly. Sometimes I can be really dense. Hopefully the people who read your first post will read this one and you will get better responses. I'm really, really sorry your life is not more happy. Wish I knew what to say that would help but I am just at loss for ideas and words.
  18. Hi dysect, I understand that pain all too well, and it doesn't make it any easier during the lovely covid era where most people don't want to go outside. One thing I could suggest is either in person therapy and/or medicine therapy. Certainly may help you in picking up some coping mechanisms. In the meantime, we're all here for you on this forum B)
  19. Thanks this is encouraging. Today I felt so crazy lazy. I was fine the day before. Hoping things get better for me here. Also I'm only on 150mg. I wonder after 8 weeks if I should go up to 300. I guess I will see how I feel then.
  20. It's call getting a customer facing job. Everyone wants to talk to the customer service rep, including the supervisor/manager too
  21. Hey people, I feel the need to elaborate on my first post because I'm feeling misunderstood (Please read my first post to understand the context). It seems a lot of focus has been put on me having huge 'Physical cravings' instead of me wanting to experience what it's like to be truly loved by a man. I have to make this clear: I want love. My 'Physical cravings' is a reaction / an outcome of desperately wanting love. I do like physical intimacy. But I will not entertain it if it's not developed on the basis of love. If the physical aspect was all I wanted I would've gone for a idk ... a one night stand. But I have never done so. If the physical aspect was all I wanted I wouldn't have stuck with my ex for so many years without leaving him and finding physical attention somewhere else. I feel people are commenting as though I'm about to just seek a quick fix and are warning me against it. I'm not. I described some of my behaviours and physical reactions in my first post simply because I want to show my desperation has reached an unbearable level. It is not to say I've acted on anything or want to attempt anything. This is why it's ten times harder for me because I've reached a point where ... I've been craving love from a man for so long ... It started with just emotions and now even my body is reminding me constantly ... But firstly, I'm not the type of girl who easily attracts men. I currently don't even have male friends let alone any potential partners. I'm not the girl who knows how to approach guys, even just for a casual conversation (And I've also mentioned in my first post I don't really want to be the one to take initiative anymore. I've explained why). Secondly, I can't do much about my desperation because a quick fix is not an option for me. It goes against my personal values. I'm sorry I just feel like I have to get this off my chest because I feel my post has been interpreted in a way I don't want it to be interpreted. I crave having a man i can share a deeper connection with. I really want to understand what being loved by a man feels because I've never been truly loved by the men in my past. I had a father who pretty much abused me and an ex I've known for 6 years who turns out never treated me as his girlfriend. The physical cravings is just ... let's say a side effect.
  22. Part 3 (of 3): Accepting Isolation So you're okay with the idea of being a seasoned, wiser person, but you're worried you'll be alone because everything familiar is tied to the old way of thinking. There was security in it, and slipping out from under that blanket is scary. Even the people who inspired you to see your mistakes suddenly seem imperfect and insincere. There you are. Sitting alone. Seeing things differently. You feel improved, but you can't see much to reinforce it. There is cold. Exposure to the elements. Welcome to the hardest and most important part of the transition. Everything you look at brings a sad nostalgia. It reminds you of the peace you had in your old climate-controlled environment. The easy place, where even the most difficult questions caught the quickest sitcom answers. Look up at the sky. What is it? Blue? Black? Clouds, stars, moon, sun? Now get up and walk somewhere. Stand in a place you've never stood before. And look up again. Is it the same? Yes, it is. The shape of it is changing (always), and the contents within it are changing (always), but it has never changed. It is still the same sky you saw when you looked up the last time. And when you looked up at age 6. And when someone else looked up and had a feeling of awesome, wondrous infinity - someone in another country. From another background. During another century. You are alone. But you have never been alone. Instead, you have truly unique company. You share space with only those who see living as an impossible miracle, a gift of singular circumstantial specialness. You are now friends with those who accept that there is no actual "right" and no actual "wrong", and there never was, and there is only one thing that matters when you lie down in the darkest night, closing your eyes and looking inside: There lives the only light. Its brightness - or dimness - is all. It is plainly isolating for the body (which is always deteriorating). But it is powerfully freeing for the spirit (which is always evolving). Acknowledge it. Accept it. And ultimately ally your self with it. From here you will not be bothered by conflict, for you have resolved the one that matters most. The voice will advise you in dreams, and in the morning you will stoke your own fire, glowing warmly against the elements. Now, and possibly for the first time, you will not be living; you will live.
  23. I know how you feel. How many times can I rewatch the same old DVDs. That plus I think I always have to have at least 100 upcoming recordings on the DVR. It can never get below 100.
  24. I've been here almost 3 years and still have up the same curtains the people left here when they sold us the place. I haven't even washed the curtains in all that time.😹
  25. I did my walk. The chicken was at the door of that house again today. This time, when it heard me, it ran down the stairs and stood next to the street and stared at me, debating whether or not to come closer. I really felt bad for her because again I didn't see a car there, and I wonder if she's hungry or abandoned. I know I shouldn't touch her (she looks plump but ragged), but I don't know what I can do. It's really bothering me.
  26. Eating popcorn so recklessly that I get cayenne powder in my eye.
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