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  1. Past hour
  2. "And what happened then? Well, in Whooville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches plus two!"

    Feeling the true meaning of Christmas. :icon12:

  3. Those Climbing Steps

    Thank you both for your kind words. This is certainly a new experience for me. I took my first dose mid-day so I could judge the effect more fairly, thankfully I haven't noticed any severe drowsiness -the only real side effect I have noticed are headaches; unfortunately they last quite awhile - so Ive been taking them in the PM to try to avoid the majority of the aches. Heres hoping. Thanks again xo
  4. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    "And what happened then? Well, in Whooville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches plus two!" Feeling the true meaning of Christmas.
  5. How Do You Feel Today? #32

    Feeling down and tired after a whole day gone with me not doing anything.
  6. Hi, Can someone tell me how to create a blog? There's no tab called "blog" on my profile page. I would like to have a blog to post my daily thoughts and rubbish which keep running through my head, about the days that made me feel down or happy, about the people around me who made me disappointed or made me laugh, on how I try so hard to look at the bright side and try to speak positive affirmations but sometimes it just doesn't work, on how I have so many things around me to be thankful and grateful for and yet I feel down and then I'd get angry at myself, on how my mind keeps repeating negative words that paralyses me till I become to afraid and sad to move, cos I cannot see the purpose in life, on how I try to find my way to push myself forward just to get moving with my daily necessities like my work and my dinner and meeting people's expectations, which I seem like I can never achieve, but I do not know how else to measure myself, since I have a husband to "report" to and a mother-in-law to take care of. Yet, I still do love my husband so. I guess marriage is compromise? I don't know. Trying to let it go, forget all the harsh words and just focus on what makes our marriage work. Life is hard, but still, I have to fight.
  7. Today
  8. Waiting..for something

    That's what I do. There is an Urge within me.. a Want That Has No Name. Don't get me wrong. I AM making an effort. I'm trying to come to terms with this Hunger. The emptiness i feel is raging. It needs to be filled. I'm at a loss as to what with. I AM active. I even socialize, even though it's against my nature. People..I don't really understand them. Neither do I really understand myself. If there even is a "me". As it stands, I don't know who I am. What I am here for. What my dreams are. What is my potential. I've never known. None of the reading I've submerged myself into, none of the toying with different diciplines of learning have born any fruit. Nothing I have done has ever inspired me. And I have been involved with a lot of various activities. I never had aspirations. Not even as a kid. Everything I do amounts to more emptiness. And the fire..the emptiness burns so brightly now. My head is aflame. I can't find peace anywhere. I find myself sitting alone in bars a lot recently. I seem to be waiting for something..I don't really know what. A glass of riesling drunk. Alone in a bar. Apart from making me slightly high, inebriation distances me from the fire, the agitation, the inevitable rage. Something tells me there will be more empty glasses before the day is over.
  9. all alone surrounded by people

    Sitting alone in a bar myself. Half drunk glass of riesling in front of me..something tells me there will be more. I hate it when people are alone..when they don't want to that is. I hope you find happiness soon, Waffles.
  10. tonight is one of the few occasions i am out at the local club and not drinking at home alone. still here i sit watching everybody else have fun. i wish i had friends. the only people who approach me here are trying to get lucky with cheesy pickup lines or offers for more drinks to get me drunker so the former can happen...i just want to be happy and have fun like litterally everybody else around me right now
  11. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    My dear.... it's not the only answer. I understand this feeling because I have been there myself a few times. But there are other solutions in life... things CAN change and things CAN get better. It may not feel or even look that way right now, but life is always changing and always shifting, along with our emotions, too. HOLD on and have hope. ((((((hugs)))))
  12. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    YW. (((((Hugs))))). And yes, there are people out there who do appreciate and who will show it to you. They're the ones to seek out and hold onto.
  13. Questions!

    Dancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen. What is your favourite word?
  14. What Really Bugs You (7)

    When a song is used in a TV ad but they change the lyrics to fit the product being sold. It makes me cringe
  15. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Thank you, that's very kind of you. You're definitely right about some people not knowing how to appreciate. I guess it's just a case of finding the ones who do know how. (((Hugs)))
  16. Questions!

    I did this last year for the first time, and I scored some great deals on a Santa statue, a wreath, a light-up deer, Christmas cards, and ornaments. Maybe I'll go out again this year for a tree skirt and some more stuff. Do you have a favorite song?
  17. Boys Vs Girls

  18. "Star Wars: The Last Jedi." Loved it. - KS
  19. So I am new here and don't really know how it works, so please shout out if I say anything inappropriate. Over the course of the last eight years, I have struggled on and off with depression. Ever since I was about 11, I have struggled with friendships, partially in my opinion due to my mum's new partner (whom was incredibly controlling and made my life a bit of a living hell) meaning what I thought about very different from other people my age, making it hard to relate and connect as well as making me miserable to be around (what kind of 11 year old considers walking in front of a car to avoid having to face going home) and very withdrawn. When I was 14 I formed my first close friendship with a girl (let's call her Grace) since I was at primary, who noticed that I didn't seem very happy and essentially tried to help me as she had been through similar. I latched onto Grace's group, however began becoming too dependent on Grace, during that time I also developed a serious eating disorder in which Grace was the only one I really talked to about (and in retrospect without meaning to likely I think likely made it worse because as it progressed she gave me more attention among other things of course including the control aspect and the fact that it numbed my intense emotions). Essentially you can probably see where this is going, while she also talked to me about her issues, over time as things went downhill for me, the relationship became one-sided. When I was 16, Grace wrote me a letter with the help of others in the group saying that I brought everyone around me down and that I could not be part of the friend group anymore. This crushed me. At first, I was quick to ask to join another friend group (without giving background) and managed to maintain healthy eating for about 6 weeks, before things started going downhill, my eating disorder get worse, I started walking out of classes to cry because I was exerting an aura of negative energy and pi**ing everyone off. I very seriously thought about taking my life. Schoolwork was my saviour, I could obtain good grades (the only thing it seemed I could do right), and this became my lifeline. This went on for the next two years, the friends I hung out with were lovely but were very close-knit and I held them at a distance not letting anyone in, I was an outsider. Everyone knew something was wrong but I did not explain and no-one asked (good dynamic, right?). This went on until I finished high school, near the end of which I started anti-depressants. Things started to get better, I began to understand how abusive my mum's ex had been and accept that how much of a mess I had been was not necessarily all my fault. With the help of a summer of counselling and a lot of determination, I managed to overcome the anorexia I had struggled with for years. When university started, I was the happiest I had been in a really long time. I made a lot of friends quickly and made an effort to be as open as I could about my past (to the extent of oversharing as I recognised bottling things up did not seem to have done me much good for the last two years, in fact, it had almost killed me). Over time, these friendships became strained. I was very up and down, and highly insecure that I annoyed people, which I constantly asked. These people mostly lost contact (distanced themselves) after that year. In my second year at University, things went further downhill, I was flatting with a friend from halls (who thankfully for her lived in a different part so had not had to put up with me too much). With few contact hours and lack of academic pressure (I found university very easy compared to school), I plummeted into a deep depression.I was stubborn, I tried to soldier out the year and despite my best efforts, I became very reliant on all my flatmates. Recently after completing the year, they all exclaimed they did want anything to do with me because I was 'emotionally and spiritually degrading' despite the fact that I kept asking if it was too much and trying to stop them stepping in and offering too much support. After coming home and hearing the loss of another set of relationships, I attempted suicide for the first time which according to doctors I am very lucky to of survived (I don't do things by halves). I am at a point now, where there seems to be no way forward, it seems to be an endless cycle, in some ways I feel like it is only a matter of time before I take my life (when I say that I mean years, not the imminent future). So I don't really know why I am writing this, for advice? to vent? for support? I honestly don't know. I guess I am trying to help myslef but don't really know how and it is pretty hopeless when you feel so helpless.
  20. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Feel like I'm better off dead... feels like that's the only way out
  21. I've also distanced myself from many firends like everytime I am with them it I hate it because all they talk about are materialistic things and I hate it and I hate the drama, also one of my friends knew he had sex with that last girl but she lied to me and told me it didn't happen, and I always talk to my mom and she told my borther and her friend something personal, then my other friend talked about me and told this guy stuff that wasn't true, and another my basically sister lied to me. I am just so done with people I don't want to associate myself with anyone but honestly, I dont care they did all that like I feel no ways all it does is make me not care which I very rarely do right now yet I do so much I dont know!!!
  22. I also just feel so like uncomfortable like I feel so weird right now I think it's because I just opened up about all this and I hate that I hate looking weak and I hate saying my problems because I feel I should not feel this way because in a greater look my life is good I just need to not worry about the past and move on I know that I am just scared about my mental state and that I truly do have a problem or something
  23. Celexa to Prozac

    I recently went off Celexa 40 mg and I have an appointment with my doctor in about 3 weeks. I am thinking of going on Prozac. I read it is activating and I do have low energy and heavy legs at times. Has anyone else been on these two meds before?
  24. Okay so I am going to say everything that I think made me how I am feeling because I have been so confused and so different lately and I need clarity because its driving me crazy. This is going to be long so be prepared......So first of all me and my dad had issues we would fight everyday verbally. He would only hit me sometimes but never that serious, every time we spoke to each other it would turn into an argument it was probably like that about everyday for maybe 2, 3 years. I moved out but only for a month then I went to 3 sessions of therapy with my dad which stopped our continuously arguments. That is one thing that I think has affected me over time, another is I had this friend who I was very close to him and I connected like no one else I ever had but I knew he liked me and I've always been someone very aware of other peoples feeling I don't know why but I can tell when a person is upset and I pin point the emotions they have so I knew he cared deeply for me and I started talking to one of his bestfriends. Once I did this I realized I made a mistake because I should have been with my friend because I knew he loved me and I loved him but in my mind I already hurt him so much and ruined the chance of us ever happening so I stayed with his friend. I was still a virgin at this time and it was a very important thing to me. My mom always growing up made it an important thing and told me she did it with someone she loved and I always wanted that too. I waited even after all of my friends lost it because I wanted it to be special and I wanted to love the person. But, when I was with the guy I was talking to (we were only talking for about one month) we were at his house doing things and he asked to do it but I said no. He asked again and I said no, he kept continuously asking until I just gave up I never said yes but I just let it happen. At first I think I was in shock but I felt different. The next morning I woke up without my alarm and just started crying. It was before school and my mom was sleeping my dad already went to work. I went down to her room balling my eyes out and told her I needed to tell her something because I had to tell someone. I told her everything that happened and how I said no but it happened anyways and I told her he didn't use protection so she gave me money to buy plan b on my lunch at school. She asked if I wanted to stay the day at home but I said I would be okay. After that my best friend who liked me found out and I knew it hurt him so that hurt me more but I told him that when his friend and I had sex I said no but he acted like it was nothing. Since I did have sex with him now I made myself stay with him even more. May I add I am picky and know what type of person I like but he was not a nice person he was conceited and not sympathetic but because of my friend I stuck with him then because he took my virginity I did too. In one of my therapy sessions I told her something happened but didnt tell her what and she diagnosed me with an acute stress disorder. After a few months I started to see the good parts of the guy I was with but we still weren't dating and I needed to be dating him. But, one day I was told he had sex with another girl and kissed someone else too and that felt like a stab to the chest because I put up with so much and gave him so much and he did this buttttt he proceeded to lie to me telling me it never happened and flipping the story making me feel bad for even accusing him. 2 of his friends told me it happened and my bestfriend knew about it but both said it didnt. so, two parts to this story 1 is since his friends told me that they also said my bestfriend knew which hurt me even more because he promised me he didn't and that ruined our friendship. I sent him huge paragraphs explaining I cared for him and didn't want to lose him and all he said was "**** You" and didnt talk to me again. then #2 I ended up believing the guy I was with that he didnt **** her because of how I told myself I was going to believe him and be with him so no matter what anyone said I stuck with him. After that situation nothing happened him and I were good. I always would think but never say how I know I could do better and I know my relationship with my bestfriend would have been so much better but I stayed with the guy. I was sad for a long time about my bestfriend cutting me off until about a month after the guy FINALLY asked me out I fell in love with him, I didn't see the bad parts of him anymore, all I saw was beauty, how nice his smile was, his scent, the way he would kiss me and the way we would look at eachother in the eyes. I fell so deep in love with him it was crazy no matter what happened I would always love him and I still do. We were only together for 8 months but dating for only 2 and 3 weeks so I always think I can't feel this deep and I can't care so much etc and its stupid but i dont know thats just the way I feel. So when I fell in love with him I was so happy, the happiest I was for the longest time I remember. But that all changed. Oh well I guess I'll bring up his past a bit too, well as I already said a little bit I am good at helping people with problems, many people always come to me and I help them and I am also good at guessing what it is. So, one night when he came to my cottage for 3 days him and I had our first very close sincere nights, I think that is where I deeply fell in love with him, when we were there he told me how one time his moms ex boyfriend was beating her up and he tried to stop it and the guy threw one of those old big phones at his head then he told me about other stories of him getting abused. He even had cigarette burn marks on his stomach but he wouldn't tell me what from. But I'll continue with my story. On our second month anniversary he surprised me in the morning before school and drove me to school but it was very foggy that morning and we were driving very fast and he lost control and he drove off a 40 foot cliff. It was like in the movies the song "I Swear" by All-4-One was playing (our song) and all I know is we drifted went through the guard rail and I looked out the windshield and we were air born till the next thing I know we hit the ground. It was scary I looked out the window it was all smashed then he was screaming "get out of the car!" I tried opening the door but it wouldn't may I add I severely hurt my back but the rush of adrenaline was easing that pain for the moment. my boyfriend hit open the door and I jumped out. As soon as I got out I felt the pain. At first I thought my back was broken I screamed at him to call an ambulance but he didn't, I should have known there was something wrong there, he called my parents then his, after about 2 minutes I could tell I didn't break my back it was just my muscles but I had about 30 minutes of straight screaming, and another 30 of crying before my parents called the ambulance. My ex boyfriend was crying and very upset too but he was physically fine. After the accident him and I were closer than ever because we went through something unlike anyone else. My back still hurts to this day over 3 months later just saying. My emotional state during that personally I wasn't that bothered I don't know why I could still be in a car I could still drive fine. I only recall maybe the day after crying because it was a almost death experience. But other than that I don't think I was crazy phased by it. So the next situation I really think is the reason I am this confused and mentally messed up is my boyfriend was apparently flirting with this girl which he denied but I got very mad. I was never going to give up on the relationship but it was different with him. I told him what he told me was a lie and I brought up that I still think he ****ed that girl way back when. He told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore etc. I was very depressed at first I couldn't even go to school but that was only one day. about a week after we broke up I found out he was with his best friends ex girlfriend. So his best friend was mad and continued on to tell me during our relationship he had sex with multiple girls and he had 17 kills when he told me he had 4. He was a compulsive liar and so manipulative. I did not know how to take this at first I was going crazy. I think I came to the conclusion he was a sociopath from his narcissistic personality and the way he would lie and manipulate me by looking straight into my face swearing he loved me saying he would not want anyone else saying he would never ever cheat on me and he wouldnt do that because his dad thinks so down on that too I did a bunch of research and the way he would act and treated me and other people matched up with what all the sites would say. I blocked him on everything and havent spoken to him since it has been 2 months. Oh may I add the same week we broke up my ex bestfriend that stopped being friends with me apologized saying how it was his biggest mistake and he was sorry etc. So that did uplift me a bit. So since all this happened I think my brain was not in a good spot. I did something I never thought I would do I kissed one of my friends boyfriend, it ruined there relationship, our friendship and my friendship with many of her friends too. Also the him taking my virginity thing also resurfaced a bit because my way of coping with it (by loving him) was not the right way anymore. I don't know why I kissed her boyfriend because I know how much it can affect someone but I don't care anymore I swear I don't feel like I care about things and its been like this for so long now. I use to help people all the time but I never do anymore I dont even think I would know what to say. I use to be so loving and the person everyone could go to but now I feel I portray myself as cold and a Biotch. I hate how I've become but I really just am not the same anymore and it scares me. I even hate talking about this I feel so weak and I feel disgusted in myself that I feel this way and I don't even want to right this anymore I just feel so ashamed. My feelings come in so sudden like a flood then I get the urge to do stuff like this then they just go away and I don't care about anything. I just really don't know what to do anymore I feel so stupid because I still love my ex and I continously make excuses saying "its because of his childhood he never knew how to be" and I just want to help him deal with whatever is wrong with him because I think I could but at the same time I hate him for everything he put me through. May I also add that that girl he was flirting with which broke us up his bestfriend told me they weren't actually she was lying about it but because I got mad about it he had sex with her I guess as payback I dont even know and that ****s me up more because when we broke up when we were talking he made himself seem so goos and contiously said he loved me and there were no other girls better etc. all lies. I just think im dumb for feeling these ways like I know the answer I know "I went through something bad" "he didnt treat you right" "it was toxic not everyone is like that" "time heals all" but the thing is I just think I have something mentally wrong like I feel as though I am turning into a sociopath or psychopath because I really feel I could do things that are bad and I dont feel things like I should or like I did. I dont know if this is temporary of if I am truly going to feel this psycho forever but Anyways thats my long story of my life this past year haha I hope you enjoyed!
  25. Did the dishes 2X Studied a chapter Took out the garbage Cooked for the fam
  26. Saying Hi!

    Hi Martymar1964. Nice to meet you. I want to welcome you to the Forums. Hope you find this place as helpful to you as it has been to me. Depression is just awful. I've been struggling with depression for most of my life but have had good years for quite awhile now. I hope the Bupropion helps you. Right now I am on Celexa. It has been really helpful to me to be able to communicate with people going through the same or similar things. The Forums have made this possible for me. I look forward to reading your future posts. I wish you the best! - epictetus
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