Its been 2 weeks since I've been home from my surgery, I stayed in the hospital for about 3 days, it was supposed to be for 2 but i got an infection in the hospital and so they monitored me for another night. The first 2 nights home was rough I couldn't sleep at all because of the pain and the infection. I finally called my doc and she prescribed some things that did help.
Its really boring sitting at home all by myself all day long, i'm staying with my family which does help but they usually don't get home until pretty late and so i'm here alone most times. I've been feeling pretty bad because I kind of realize how alone I am, I don't have any friends to talk to and my cousin who i am pretty much close to hasn't kept in touch with me since I had the surgery. My ex-boyfriend has called ever so often to see how i'm doing, I think it's nice but the end of that relationship has gotten me down still and its kind of awkward talking to him sometimes.
My 26th birtday is coming up and to be honest i'm not looking forward to it, one because I don't feel well and the removal of those fibroids makes me feel very emotional because my hormones are whacked, and second because deep down I feel like I should be doing more with my life because people have always had such high expectations of me and I see that I've been out of school 4 years and not in any type of stable career at all, I work in a factory right now for goodness sakes and unfortunately before I knew about the fibroids I changed to 3rd shift in a really hard department just so I could have time for my school schedule. Well I'm not even in school because of the surgery and now i'm stuck in this crappy job. I've had my thoughts on moving to Charlotte and try going back to being involved in social science research like I was doing as an intern in DC for a couple of years but I am starting to lose my confidence because it was 2 years since i've worked out of an office and i don't feel hireable(sp?). I really dread going back to my job and I hate the constant questions of "you went to school and you work here? Why?" that crap drives me crazy i'm not the only one with a degree working there but you'd think so.
My birthday is nervewreaking because I think, what have I done? Well I don't think it was so bad because when i first got out of school i worked for a political campaign then a library, even went to Miami and worked they set me up in a cool hotel in south beach but it didn't work out because the internship sucked, then i floated around and landed a great research 3 month internship in dc, quit that to naively work at a library that turned out to be an endagerment to my life (literarly it was in the middle of a terrible slum). Then I got another internship with the coast guard and after that ended i came back home and ended up getting this job. So i guess that God has provided for me and I'm thankful for the experiences i've been able to have.
Its just that i beat myself up so much for my mistakes in life, i'm constantly beratting myself for anything i 'could have' done and it makes me feel defeated at times.
But I will say that I hope that 2008 will be filled with some good experiences for me, I will try to make an effort to not give up! And that is such a hard thing to do because application after application I feel so discouraged with myself and I feel like everything is passing me by. I want to try to focus myself on finding out a way to make myself more marketable. Maybe I will take this time at home to update myself on some software applications at the local community college. I will try to do it but i don't want to dissapoint myself.