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A Confession

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I wrote this in the journal room of DF and since it was quite recent, decided that it belongs up here with the new entries.There is another reason why my depression is pulling me down. And it is something I will never admit to anyone outside of my friends here at DF.I love my boyfriend Joty with all my heart and I see how he tries so hard. Deep inside, I'm sure he's just as scared as me. Even more. He doesn't know to handle this depression any more than i do.I do so badly want to settle down and I know that he's the one. But we did discuss that we should wait till I'm better. It kinda makes sense right? But now i'm just extra pressured to get better. Everytime i backslide, my dream of settling down goes further and further away.Oh my god, i just never admitted this to anyone at all not even my psychiatrist. And never ever to Joty. People will just wonder, what's the rush with this marriage thing? I guess I just already know I want to spend forever with him and sometimes it scares me that all his talk about us ending up together some day is just talk. I have had a lot of guys promise me forever. They all left. Now, everytime i blackhole, i keep thinking oh great maybe i'm not fit for marriage just as much as i'm not fit to work. i'm not fit for anything! who inthe world is going to want to marry a basket case like me? Who in the world would want me to be the mother of their children? Joty's too good to end up with a crazy Biotch like me. he deserves so much better, he's such an amazing guy.sometimes i cover up the depression with him just so i'll seem better. but i'm not. i forcemyself to go out with his friends just so he can feel that things are back to normal but their not. this mental illness is ******* me on the inside!!!When will it be the right time to say, Okay I'm better? Do people with depression ever get better?maybe i'm just going to be alone for the rest of my life.

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Blackhole,

A long time ago, somebody told me that because I cared and worried about being a good wife and mother, that meant I would definitely be one. Your compassion is going to serve you greatly in both roles. And I would bet your loved one understands you better than you think he does. You are going to be okay.

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I certainly hope so Bren. I try so hard to be responsible and loving. And I just kick myself when my moods get the best of me. I hope things do work out in the end.

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