Hating myself a lot these days. Wish I can just die but I know I can’t. Feeling like everything sucks. I shouldn’t be pushing myself. I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be doing things for others all the time. I should be taking care of myself. I should take a break. I should go to the doctor when I’m sick. But everything feels so difficult to do. Expectations. Timelines. I’m getting older. Why is life so difficult. I feel like if I stop doing one thing, everything will fall apart, so I have to keep going cos if I were to stop, I might as well just die. Catastrophizing again I know.
Again I feel like giving up on this marriage. No one understands me. I might as well live alone so that no one have any expectations from a single. I feel like quitting my job so that I can just stop people from asking me things. I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t want to keep going. I guess some might ask me why am I still in this marriage that makes me unhappy. And I feel stupid for asking myself this. I’m so tired of trying. And the worse is he still wants a child of his own. This is gonna sound like a stupid problem to some here and I should just give up on this but I’ve been trying to conceive for 9 years with no luck. Have an adopted daughter but he still wants a kid of his own. He had mentioned before he will marry another person just to have his own kid. And I should just let him do that! Why am I still in this stupid marriage. Why am I such an idiot. I hate myself. It’s like 9:23am here and waking up to go to work with this kind of feeling on top of being sick with fever and flu. It’s a horrible horrible way to start my day.
And happened this time I ran away from mil’s place without a change of clothes n I don’t really have spare clothes here cos I don’t have that many clothes in the first place, so I’m stinking and smelly and haven’t showered and I don’t even feel like showering and it’s my fault everything is just my fault. And I’m having a bit of headache I can’t even make sense of anything right now nor have any rational thoughts in my head. Yet I still have to get up and go. Look on the bright side. I have so many things to be grateful for. I can cry later but not now. I hate my life but I make myself this way and this is the consequences of my actions. Life. Be grateful. Best part of yesterday is having nice colleagues who help me do some work, having a nice mum and dad and sister who never forces me to do house chores, and having nephews who smile and shout my name like I’m the light of their life.
Edited by Depressedgurl007