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Sick


Depressedgurl007

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Hating myself a lot these days. Wish I can just die but I know I can’t. Feeling like everything sucks. I shouldn’t be pushing myself. I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be doing things for others all the time. I should be taking care of myself. I should take a break. I should go to the doctor when I’m sick. But everything feels so difficult to do. Expectations. Timelines. I’m getting older. Why is life so difficult. I feel like if I stop doing one thing, everything will fall apart, so I have to keep going cos if I were to stop, I might as well just die. Catastrophizing again I know. 

Again I feel like giving up on this marriage. No one understands me. I might as well live alone so that no one have any expectations from a single. I feel like quitting my job so that I can just stop people from asking me things. I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t want to keep going. I guess some might ask me why am I still in this marriage that makes me unhappy. And I feel stupid for asking myself this. I’m so tired of trying. And the worse is he still wants a child of his own. This is gonna sound like a stupid problem to some here and I should just give up on this but I’ve been trying to conceive for 9 years with no luck. Have an adopted daughter but he still wants a kid of his own. He had mentioned before he will marry another person just to have his own kid. And I should just let him do that! Why am I still in this stupid marriage. Why am I such an idiot. I hate myself. It’s like 9:23am here and waking up to go to work with this kind of feeling on top of being sick with fever and flu. It’s a horrible horrible way to start my day.

And happened this time I ran away from mil’s place without a change of clothes n I don’t really have spare clothes here cos I don’t have that many clothes in the first place, so I’m stinking and smelly and haven’t showered and I don’t even feel like showering and it’s my fault everything is just my fault. And I’m having a bit of headache I can’t even make sense of anything right now nor have any rational thoughts in my head. Yet I still have to get up and go. Look on the bright side. I have so many things to be grateful for. I can cry later but not now. I hate my life but I make myself this way and this is the consequences of my actions. Life. Be grateful. Best part of yesterday is having nice colleagues who help me do some work, having a nice mum and dad and sister who never forces me to do house chores, and having nephews who smile and shout my name like I’m the light of their life. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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Your post sounds like the stuff that goes through my mind on repeat, yeah we well know what not to do, what to do, say, think and act but for some reason just can't,  you're not alone in this, if i ever figure it out I'll def share it.  ( hugs )

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It is why I live alone I think so I don't have to deal with someone's expectations.  There's me just doing things in life or me doing things in life while someone else is complaining about how I'm doing it all wrong the whole time.  I believe in love stronger than anyone I know but I just don't think anyone else feels like I do.  This is a hey give me that or I'll rip off your arm and get out my way or I'll run you over world.  I'm supposed to believe there is love in that same world?  Nope.

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Thanks for your replies. You guys really are one of the reasons I’m still here on this earth. I would have gone a long time ago if you don’t exist. If u all r around n still up and fighting, I guess I should be doing it too. 

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