the truth i never spoke in detail
Entry posted by surfcaster in myl life ·
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first off don't read if you trigger, these details i have never spoken to a soul, not my docs, not my therapists, not even my wife, I've only ever generalized them and only to a select few, i don't even know why i am doing it now, i guess i want to get it out before i die. i was always a shy timid person, As a child at home i endured mental and physical abuse no child should ever go through, the back of his hand daily just because or the leather strap, i could be watching tv, my sister comes in and changes the channel, if i said one word or did anything other than leave i was beaten severely, if i got 1 poor grade on a report card i had to stay in my room and do extra work and study from the time school let out until bedtime the entire marking period as punishment, the mental abuse was as bad, my name was dumbo, i was ridiculed and teased in public so everyone would see, but hey it was all acceptable, he was a decorated cop. at school i was singled out by the teachers because i was different and the students went right along, pushed around, beat up, spit on ,even once pissed on as i lay bloody on the ground and everyone laughed, as a teen into my 20s dads belt or backhand became fists, in high school and in the neighborhood i was the punching bag and abuse magnet, i was once run down and purposely hit by a car because it was funny, i was left there broken in the street while they drove away, 17 yrs old or so i found drugs, and they deadened the pain, lots of drugs, more and more and more, all i could get, it was the drugs that unleashed the years of buried rage and anger, i was at this point from a physically demanding job a big, powerful man full of rage, i had absolutely no fear, no fear at all, that was all taken away by the years of abuse, i to this day posses no fear of anything, i was a wrecking ball destroying anyone who crossed me, i was on a mission to get them all at any cost, pain was not a deterrent, i enjoyed the pain, all this led to my 1st attempt, i won't say how, but i was in the ICU for 2 months in a medically induced coma so the hospital could get my organs back to where they could function on their own, after that it was 3 months in the psych hospital, i was not a good patient, released from the hospital i was broken, no where to go, no job waiting for me, no home accept back to the abuser, who not long doubled down because i embarrassed him and made him look bad to his police department, a couple more years of this and my 2nd attempt, awoke in the hospital with multiple broken bones, cuts, gashes, torn ligaments, it was again to the psych ward, this time for 1 month, after this i made the life changing decision to leave the state and leave everyone permanently behind, no one cared and no one ever looked for me but in the process i met an angel who changed my life and i married her, through the years she had every right to leave me behind 100 times because of my extensive baggage and part of me wishes she did, but she stayed right there, right beside me, she even intervened on what was going to be another attempt, i didn't even realize she was home, she has suffered greatly because of my extensive mental issues and deserves a place in heaven beside our lord, for that i can never forgive myself. NEVER.
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