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the truth i never spoke in detail


surfcaster

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first off don't read if you trigger,  these details i have never spoken to a soul, not my docs, not my therapists, not even my wife, I've only ever generalized them and only to a select few,  i don't even know why i am doing it now, i guess i want to get it out before i die. i was always a shy timid person,    As a child at home i endured mental and physical abuse no child should ever go through, the back of his hand daily just because or the leather strap, i could be watching tv, my sister comes in and changes the channel, if i said one word or did  anything other than leave i was beaten severely, if i got 1 poor grade on a report card i had to stay in my room and do extra work and study from the time school let out until bedtime the entire marking period as punishment, the mental abuse was as bad, my name was dumbo, i was ridiculed and teased in public so everyone would see, but hey it was all acceptable, he was a decorated cop. at school i was singled out by the teachers because i was different and the students went right along, pushed around, beat up, spit on ,even once pissed on as i lay bloody on the ground and everyone laughed,  as a teen into my 20s dads belt or backhand became fists,  in high school and in the neighborhood i was the punching bag and abuse magnet, i was once run down and purposely hit by a car because it was funny,  i was left there broken in the street while they drove away,  17 yrs old or so i found drugs, and they deadened the pain, lots of drugs, more and more and more, all i could get, it was the drugs that unleashed the years of buried rage and anger, i was at this point from a physically demanding job a big, powerful man full of rage, i had absolutely no fear, no fear at all, that was all taken away by the years of abuse, i to this day posses no fear of anything,  i was a wrecking ball destroying anyone who crossed me, i was on a mission to get them all at any cost, pain was not a deterrent, i enjoyed the pain, all this led to my 1st attempt, i won't say how, but i was in the ICU  for 2 months in a medically induced coma so the hospital could get my organs back to where they could function on their own, after that it was 3 months in the psych hospital, i was not a good patient, released from the hospital i was broken, no where to go, no job waiting for me,  no home accept back to the abuser,  who not long doubled down because i embarrassed him and made him look bad to his police department, a couple more years of this and my 2nd attempt, awoke in the hospital with multiple broken bones, cuts, gashes, torn ligaments,  it was again to the psych ward, this time for 1 month, after this i made the life changing decision to leave the state and leave everyone permanently behind, no one cared and no one ever looked for me but in the process i met an angel who changed my life and i married her, through the years she had every right to leave me behind 100 times because of my extensive baggage and part of me wishes she did, but she stayed right there, right beside me, she even intervened on what was going to be another attempt, i didn't even realize she was home, she has suffered greatly because of my extensive mental issues and deserves a place in heaven beside our lord, for that i can never forgive myself. NEVER.

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We have very similar stories.  Basically everyone that ever reads what you just posted is rooting for you.  They want love to win.  They want the angel to win.  ❤️

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Thankyou for sharing this surfcaster....I knew that we had things in common......turns out it was parental abuse.

You didn't deserve that abuse and I'm so happy you found your lovely wife.

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29 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Thankyou for sharing this surfcaster....I knew that we had things in common......turns out it was parental abuse.

You didn't deserve that abuse and I'm so happy you found your lovely wife.

 

50 minutes ago, sober4life said:

We have very similar stories.  Basically everyone that ever reads what you just posted is rooting for you.  They want love to win.  They want the angel to win.  ❤️

I guess it's time after all these years to talk about it and stop holding it in, I'm still thinking i should spare my wife the horrors though, I'm going to open up this conversation with my therapist who persistantly dug after in futility, maybe group night not sure though, that might take a while, question is though do you think after all this time it will even matter. Or is it better left buried. 

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I've had limited experience with therapy. I didn't appreciate the digging and I left because of it.

I don't think that bringing up past hurt is always a good thing...I believe it really depends on how much you trust the person you are sharing with not to judge and whether or not you really do want to share certain things.

My therapist weasled something out of me about my ex which I regret telling her...I wasn't interested in talking about it in the slightest.  I wasn't traumatized about it or ruminating about it at all and I would prefer to have kept his and my experience private.

I'm certain that talking about the past can sometimes help to put things into perspective. ....But I think the way we feel when we share is massively important...

If we are depressed and therefore vulnerable, personally I think it can do more harm than good to share our darkness. I think we need to be in a lucid state to share without us feeling the repercussions of shame.

Also, I think many, many therapists are a bit crap really. They don't know any better than we do. In fact, we know ourselves and our depression a lot better than them. We are the experts. I feel they can be patronising and that really, really doesn't jibe with me 😬

Also, lastly, reliving trauma can most definitely do just that - make you relive the trauma...

I'm certainly not convinced about that being a good idea when someone is struggling...

Just my take on it I guess...

I would prefer group. And I would share little and often to see how it feels 🤔

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...I'm sure that talking about it could be a release in a way...maybe enable some emotions to purge...And if our story is accepted and we are loved unconditionally then that would be the ultimate healing...

Its a rare thing though, the unconditional love. Do therapists have it? Nah. Very rare.

..Fellow survivors are more likely to have that acceptance and empathy in my opinion...But slowly, slowly, like you say. Make sure.

Ignore all advice as appropriate 🤷

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7 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

...I'm sure that talking about it could be a release in a way...maybe enable some emotions to purge...And if our story is accepted and we are loved unconditionally then that would be the ultimate healing...

Its a rare thing though, the unconditional love. Do therapists have it? Nah. Very rare.

..Fellow survivors are more likely to have that acceptance and empathy in my opinion...But slowly, slowly, like you say. Make sure.

Ignore all advice as appropriate 🤷

Thanks nightjar, as you stated peple in similar circumstances know us more then anyone else. None of it was shared for the reasons you mentioned and i think my therapist will be the only one for a while, then maybe group, we will see.

Thanks for your sincere support 

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

We have very similar stories.  Basically everyone that ever reads what you just posted is rooting for you.  They want love to win.  They want the angel to win.  ❤️

Thanks for all the support,  sometimes it's all i got

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3 hours ago, surfcaster said:

 

I guess it's time after all these years to talk about it and stop holding it in, I'm still thinking i should spare my wife the horrors though, I'm going to open up this conversation with my therapist who persistantly dug after in futility, maybe group night not sure though, that might take a while, question is though do you think after all this time it will even matter. Or is it better left buried. 

I'll be honest I don't know the answer to this question.  Holding it in will absolutely destroy us but does talking about it for sure help us?  That's the huge risk of it all.  I think at a certain point the load is just too much for us to carry on our own.  Finding someone safe to talk to in life is wonderful but at the same time what does it do to the person to tell them everything?  I don't know that anyone knows the for sure answer to this.  It is terrifying.

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I’m sorry for all u went through in the past 😞 Ur really blessed to find an angel. Love is interesting, it changes someone and not everyone can receive it and nobody really understands it. U have a wonderful wife, keeping things in won’t help u, but I’m also sure u will slowly learn what to say to her and when to say it. Believe in her, and believe in yourself. Hope your therapist helps u. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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Why can't they just leave me alone, i regret the day i allowed them an avenue to contact me, they were cut off for many years, in a moment of weakness i caved and left the door open, they want to see me before its too late they said, well too late was 25 years ago, that ship sailed

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