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I Want To Be Okay



Terrible day.  I went to buy groceries and anxiety started kicking my ass.  By the time I got out of the store I felt like I was being electrocuted.  That same old feeling, like my body was vibrating uncontrollably.  I was so tired by the time I got home that I passed out on the couch and slept really hard.  Now, of course, I can't sleep.  

I'm so tired of being broken.  I don't understand why it has to be this way.  I just want to be okay.  But I don't know how.


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I can't believe you wrote this in May and I'm just just seeing it now. I pop in and out of DF but never think to check the blogs. All of our good friends from years past are long gone from here so I never expected you to be visiting your blog. I've changed my username several times so I don't remember what you knew me by...was it cookiecrumbs? You knew my real name is Mary and that I'm married with 4 kids who I used to love writing about. They are now grown up and have made me a grandmother 10 (almost 11!) times. I deleted my blog years ago, started another one under a different name a couple of different times, and deleted those also. The change in this place is so incredibly sad! It used to be such a thriving community of good, close friends. I appreciated all of you so much back then when I was struggling so badly. We had such good talks and shared so much. Those were special friendships. After Joanna left things started changing. 

It sounds like you were going through another rough spell when you were writing last spring. I am so sorry! You've lost so many people in your life you were close to. I remember you and I had chronic pain in common. I pray that you are at least doing better physically. I miss your trademark Deebear humor that often found its way into your writing - no screw-up fairy? Or wasn't that her name? I also wonder if you are still the exotic plant man with the wonderful green thumb for growing gardening wonders. 🪴

Life started to improve for me when I banished my toxic, abusive, dysfunctional birth family from my life. I still live with several chronic pain issues, but I've learned to adjust and accept that they will always be a part of my life. My strong faith has helped me conquer most of my emotional problems, but I still struggle with the effects of PTSD and repression/flashbacks. My eating disorder rears it's ugly head now and then and that dance begins again, but it comes and goes. The depression and suicidal thoughts have been gone for several years, and for that I am sincerely grateful. I know that my greatest blessings are my husband, my children, their spouses, and our ever- growing tribe of grandchildren. The youngest is barely 2 weeks old and she is a charmer!

I hope you stop back in and see this. You truly will be in my thoughts and prayers!💕

-mary 💜



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Hi Mary, yes, your username was cookiecrumbs back in the day...  I'm so glad that you have improved, though I know you still have your struggles.  I miss our old friends around here, and still think of them from time to time.  I would have replied to your comment sooner if I had gotten a notification, but I didn't...don't know why.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers too!


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