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RiverLight

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I have been through the wringer. If it's not one issue or life crisis, there's been another, and it feels like I've gone through one bad experience only to enter another bad experience I have to then again escape from.

For example, I was let go from my current company in July 2020 - they laid me off. I had had a difficult experience there. Then I was hired elsewhere, and that place turned into a nightmare, so badly then I ended up hospitalized and sick. Then my old company came back to me and hired me back on. I had no choice at the time but to say "yes" because I was seriously desperate to leave the nightmare and have income and a job. Well, returning to that old environment brought a new set of old issues that the company faces - high turnover, a toxic CEO, really bad leadership and a lean staff. So, then I decided to look around and interview. It took maybe 5 months of grueling interviews and multiple rejections to finally land a job offer. Now, I can finally escape from this most toxic, and horrible work environment. 

In the meantime, I've been fighting all this time to stay alive, breathing and to remain standing on two feet with a good head on my shoulders. Within the last few months though, I was falling apart underneath all the stress, however, and started drinking nearly every day, even while at work. I would start at 2-3 PM sometimes, and by quitting time, I had had 3 drinks already. I was self-medicating to deal with the enormous amount of stress I faced at work. And, it was a mountain. 

Eight months ago I returned there, to only have our Director quit within 6 months of being hired, two team members left simultaneously, then they hired a witch of a boss who became a terrorist and a nightmare to work for, then another team member left. WTF?!?! AND, today my CEO tells me that he expected me to remain loyal to the company, even after all of that nonsense?!??! At this point within this company, I have had 4 different bosses, and in only 3 years! FOUR. Two of whom were fired. I wasn't learning a single thing more than I already knew in my own field - I was stagnating and blowing in the wind all by myself, trying to figure everything out for myself without any expert consultation, tutoring or mentoring from someone above me.

My CEO has chewed me out for leaving. He is taking it 100% personally that I've decided to quit, 8 months after being rehired. But what does he expect after four people in my dept have left? And when there's no proper leadership in place within the department to help steer and guide all team members? Just what did he expect? 

So, over the last week or so, he became argumentative with me and antagonistic. And I realize that leaving this company is akin to leaving a toxic relationship and breaking up with a toxic partner. THANK GOD I am leaving. 

All of this has left me feeling a bit unstable, and I seek stability as well as confidence within myself. I need to enter my new job with a fresh mind, a fresh perspective, optimism and enthusiasm. But, I feel SO tainted after ALL I have been through over the years - it's been years of the same BS, but in different companies. I am worn down, I feel, which makes me concerned. I don't want to lose myself - the upbeat, optimistic, enthusiastic, full of life and full of ideas for improvement person that I used to be. I want to be that person again, but I worry about all this poison ruining that for me. And, it is sheer poison from multiple toxic environments and people that I have ingested into my body, mind and spirit. 

I need freedom - I need a positive work environment, and I hope and pray that I've found it. It seems like the right place to land, but one never truly knows all until you've been there a few months. 

Edited by RiverLight

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