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A blog by Depressedgurl007 in General

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Calming myself down

Depressedgurl007

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I hate myself. Every. Single. Time. I want to die. What’s the point. There is no point. It’s crazy. I don’t know what else to write. There’s so much negativity in my head. Again. I don’t really wanna talk about what happened but Tommy (my imaginary friend who doesn’t exist in real life) keeps insisting that I let it out. So here goes. 

Ok actually there’s nothing much to tell. We argued very badly with me shouting at mil even while carrying my daughter and I think that’s enough it’s not fair what I’m doing to my daughter all because I can’t control my anger every time I’m around mil. I packed my bag and left alone to my mum’s place and I plan never ever to go back cos it’s not my house n she doesn’t want me there either. My sis and her husband and two sons live with my mum and when I reached my mum’s place I felt hatred from my sis. So back to crying to sleep in a room different from my normal room. Cried cried cried cos of so much hatred towards myself. I’m ever so grateful to have people on DF around when I feel so down with nothing to live for. Sigh. Finally, after hours of negative illogical thoughts on I don’t know what to do and I want to die, the thoughts in my head managed to become a bit more logical to start answering the question “What can I do?”. 

I hate myself. Ok I know that. 

What can I do about it? A few things but I don’t know if they’ll work. 

What can I do for now? Now? I guess I should just accept what’s happened. There’s nothing I can do about the past. I wish and wish so much that all this did not happen. But it has, everyone was hurt very badly, but I can’t do anything about the past anymore. 

I’ve lived at a rental room before for a few months where I spent the majority of my time inside that small tiny room without going out. I was happy then, I think cos it was a room that I spent time to search for, it was a room I work to paid money for by myself and it was a room I myself decide to live in. 

I live at my parents place now and the feeling is very different. But I can pretend I’m back at that rental room. I can pretend to be happy and live here forever and do what I want when I want without anyone’s judgement. And that’s the decision I decide on so that I can stop crying. 

Sigh. Personal life aside, I still don’t like my job. I’ve never liked any job that I had so far. I get stressed up very easily and I still haven’t met the numbers my boss expect from everyone but I have to. And of course I hate myself for that. But there’s nothing I can do about it. 

Sigh. I have counselling tomorrow. My counsellor don’t understand having the thoughts I hate myself and I want to die repeating over n over again in my head. I even asked a friend out this weekend just because my counsellor told me to and I was blunt n told my friend the reason I’m asking her out is cos my counsellor asked me to. She has yet to reply me. 

It’s 7:35am on a Monday. I need to work to get that house that I registered for to be built that’ll only be ready in 2025. 

Sigh. I decided on a positive affirmation I want to use for the rest of my life: I am a strong and capable person and I have lots of strength within me. 

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Depressedgurl007
4 hours ago, Another Statistic said:

Good affirmation!

It sounds like you're gonna be in 'find a way to cope' mode for a while. Sometimes it's impossible to remove yourself from the situation so you have no choice but to figure out how to live with it. Here's a few affirmations I use to deal with my toxic family:

  1. It's okay if people think I'm wrong as long as I know I'm right.
  2. I'll put up with anything for my kid.
  3. Turning the other cheek is sometimes necessary.
  4. It's not a requirement that I love anyone, including the people that society says I'm supposed to love.
  5. My oxygen mask goes on first. Always. No dispute.
  6. The opinions of people I do not respect are not worthy of consideration.
  7. The opinions of people I do respect are worthy of consideration, but are not immediately correct.
  8. I love me. I am enough.

Families and relationshit are tough to navigate. Keep fighting the good fight. 🙂

These are very good affirmations I love them thanks for sharing 🙂 I still wish I can manage my anger better around toxic people. (When im angry, can forget about these affirmations haha 😞) There must be a way right. But I don’t know what. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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Depressedgurl007
3 hours ago, Another Statistic said:

Have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Guides to it are littered all over the Interwebs, although you can still buy the CBT Bible on Amazon: it's called "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy". 

If you practice it you will get your anger under control. I speak from experience on this - it's amazing how much people's opinions of me changed when I became more patient and less reactive. 

And it's much easier on my heart.

Hope you're day is fun on the other side of the world. 🙂

Oh I didn’t know there’s a bible for it. I checked my tablet n realised I bought a book called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy by Avy Joseph a long time ago but can’t remember reading it..dunno if it’s a good book haha..I’ll try reading it again. 

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Bbqdad

I am in that “rental room” which is a step up from living in my truck. 

I had severe mania for 6 months in 2018 that got me fired from my job. 

“How do I leave me?” 
A poem I wrote about feeling like dying after all I had been through being bipolar.

Your openness at the beginning of your post helped me to mention these things about myself the first time.

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