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nojoy

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trigger alert


nojoy

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I have been doing better.  More on an even level, no feeling down. I'm doing what the therapist suggests, doing things in small steps, telling myself its ok if I don't get everything done. Every 2 weeks my niece & I go to lunch & stores (we really have to stop going to the craft/fabric stores & thrift shops) because except for going out to get cat food & cigarettes, I don'' walk out the door & if I do I would look to see anyone was around (neighbor or stranger).

Until a few minutes ago, I sat down after a 2 hour nap, having a cigarette when the cell phone buzzed.  Looked at it and a trigger hit.  D2's sent a text with the words Nik's new phone. Nothing else, no hey mom you doing ok.

Nothing. I went in the bank last week cause I lost my id between the seat & middle console.  Many of the the tellers are new & don't know me, but the managers do.  I stopped to talk to my fave manager & he said he'd seen D2, & that she said she has her own place & job.  I have finally gotten to the point that I now tell people who ask about her that I don't know & that in the past  3 years have only seen her 4 times & 3 of those were at Christmas & she didn't speak to me. So talking about her no longer triggers a step into deeper depression.

However, any contact with her can cause problems.  Christmas in the past 3 years have been triggers for me - having D2 around me + the feelings of terrible Christmases in the past 50 + years, so holidays with family can shut me down for weeks, just barely functioning. I have almost talked myself into not doing Christmas, just hopping a train & going somewhere. It would be even better if I could find a place that didn't celebrate the commercial side of it.  

I have been slowly getting things done.  Planned out what I want to do, wrote everything out & beginning to cross off items on that list.  After my mother (another major trigger) died, I moved in her old room (it has the biggest closet).  I had been planning on making the smaller bedroom into a craft/ yoga room.  Finally coming to peace with the absence of D2 in my life, I decided to move to the what was her former bedroom (keeping large closet for winter clothes or more likely the clothes that I keep saying one day I will get back into). & turning my bedroom into the craft room & the small bedroom into the yoga/meditation room.  Now I'm dealing with mixed emotions about everything. Does D2 want to move back in? Do I want D2 back in my life? Do I even want a relationship with her? 

So now I'm feeling panicky, tearful & a step closer to the dark hole of depression. 

 

 

 

 

 

c

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