So I talked to the therapist about the situation with the family meeting at a bar for dinner and how I feel about it. She keeps reminding me that it is okay to tell people 'no' & feel guilty about it.
I have been dwelling on this for over a week, rehearsing what I really want to say about this plan & thinking about what they will say. Let's just say that my brain is a merry-go-round that never stops & the very few times that it does stop , it leaves me feeling anxious/guilty about the decisions I make. For me this family dinner at a bar is something that I absolutely do not want to take part in. Reason #1 - D2 who has not spoken to me in 3 years (yet comes to my house for the last 3 Christmases & not spoken to me) &the younger brother who has not spoke to me since our mother died 5 years ago will be there (it was the younger brother who wants to meet up. Reason #2 - I cannot stand the smell of beer, it is nauseating to me, Reason #3 before the pandemic closed everything down, some of us who go to dinner on fridays- and everyone at the table had their phones out playing pokemon (older brother), looking up things on the internet or checking facebook except me (I have a prepaid phone & can make phone calls or texts & was taught that it is bad manners to do anything at the dinner table (i.e. , read a book which I was always in trouble for.)
My niece asked me to go to lunch with her tomorrow. If she has not been invited to this shindig, I'm going to ask her if she wants to do something with me after she gets off work.
On a funny point, I stated that I get annoyed with people so quickly & hate talking to people. She laughed & asked why do I talk her. My answer - i feel safe talking to her knowing that she's not going to tell me to get over myself or nobody wants to hear about your problems and at least she does give positive feedback & helps me see things in a clear way.
So I will see what tomorrow brings. At least that's a small step for my overthinking brain.
And if you haven't heard it today I am thinking of you & hope you find peace in your thoughts.