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Still ruminating about this morning



Earlier today, I was at Walmart.  Now I know my niece(technically she married my nephew)  & her mother shop there on Sunday mornings, so I go  after noon.   Not today,  I run into them.  If I had seen them sooner I would have gone the other way.  I have gotten to the point where I don't like to be around her.  She has a mouth but forgets to listen to her brain before speaking.  She knows the history I have with all of the narcs in my family.  (Still trying to figure out how I did not become one).  So she says that my brothers have been texting about a new restaurant where the younger one lives & how we are all going to get together in 2 weeks oh and one of my daughters has been invited,   I know its not daughter 1 because she works in a restaurant herself & Sundays are her  best tip day.  Daughter 2 has not spoken to me since she left home, & has been to my house only for Christmas since she left 3 year ago. So I really don't want to deal with her in a public place where I have no way to leave. 

Now I don't have the greatest relationship with either brother.  I have been picked on & bullied by them most of my life & even though the older one will call when he needs to use my house because you can't see the floors or furniture in his house, I have very little to do with them.  The younger is a functioning alcoholic  (alcoholism does run in my dad's side) & way back when I was on my way to becoming one.  

Since my last visit with the therapist, I have been considering how to permanently remove several of the toxic people in my family.  I have been thinking of ways to get rid of them.  The one that seems to avoid a lot of stress & dangerous sliding into the depression hole is telling the niece (who can't keep quiet for nothing & will tell what I said) that I thank her for the invite (which I didn't get from either brother) but that for my continued healing I have made the decision to remove  toxic people from my life. That statement will probably go over her head but if my daughter 2 is there she who has the psych degree  she can explain it to them.  

This may well be the first step to stop letting family stomp on me.  I taught that it was my place in life to cater to others and now may be the time to stop.  For the past 3 Christmases, I have talked about not doing Christmas with my therapist.  I have always felt guilty (thanks mother) if I did not have the family for dinner & gifts for everyone.  I hoped to find a job requiring me to work on holidays but if that doesn't happen then I may find out how far I can go on a train for the amount of money I spent on dinner & gifts & finally treat myself. 

I only have one family member that I have begun to go out to eat & shopping with.  Poor thing is like me catches all the family crap.  Sometimes she can be annoying but not in a negative way. 

And now I am 2 hours past my bedtime & given that I am still in that weird sleep pattern ( waking at 4am) I'm going to be cranky & unproductive tomorrow without my 7 hours of sleep. And will be having this same conversation with myself. I wish I could get rid of the me that has to keep rehashing past events.  It's not like anything is going to be changed about the event or my reaction to it.



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