My husband and I are trying again. He starts his individual therapy next week, and I am to give him a list of things to work on in therapy (he asked me for this list). It's interesting how this occurred. I had gone out with another man one night while my husband and I were still separated. This man kissed me goodnight and then left, and I burst into tears, thinking about my husband. Then I went to a concert without my husband for the first time, we ran into each other at the concert and said hello to each other. Sparks were flying between us, and I realized there is still a very strong chemistry between us. It was a powerful feeling and it turned my head around. I spent the entire concert feeling miserable without him and watching him from afar. I was with a group, but I felt alone. After the concert, we started texting again, we acknowledged the energy between us and he asked me to join him for brunch on Sunday. So I said yes, and we spent a wonderful afternoon together. It was then that I decided I wanted to try again. I still love him, I feel, and he wants to change the behaviors that caused me to leave him. He says he wants to only honor me, respect me, cherish me and love me forever. He seems very sincere. He has said the same thing for months now - he's been very consistent with this message, and now I finally do believe him. We've been living apart since last November, and will continue to live apart for many more months while he is in therapy working on himself. I will be working on myself too in my own therapy. We will also have couples therapy periodically with the same therapist. The therapist will see us each individually and as a couple.
I feel hopeful and not nervous. I don't have much fear going on this time around. The last time we tried this, I had a lot of doubts and fears, but not this time. There is some amount of trepidation still, however, just given that it may not work out. But we both want to try. And he hasn't exhibited any of the old behaviors in a long time - months.
The one thing I need to look out for is to make sure I don't lose myself again. I need to maintain my independence and not become codependent again. I need to do my own thing sometimes, and see my own friends here and there. I cannot get sucked back in like I used to be, tied at the hip 24/7. That's not healthy. But the problem is, I don't have many friends around locally to see, and doing things by myself isn't always fun. So, I somehow need to create more of a life for myself and carve out my independence. I think continuing to live apart will help this process along. My therapist is also aware of this issue so I will also work on it in therapy.
So, that's the latest with me. I know what i've said in the past about him. A lot of it was my anger and rage talking. Now that I am past that phase, I no longer see him from the same light. I see him from a light of love and forgiveness. And I do forgive him, especially if he's willing to change his ways and become a better husband for me.