A LOT has happened in the last 2 months since I was last on here - a lot of crap happened, and my husband and I got back together when I was in a very vulnerable place in life.
Back up - he had been abusive and we were on the verge of a divorce. Then I began a new job, which came with an inordinate amount of stress. My husband's father was in and out of the hospital during this time, and my husband called me, in tears, looking for support. So I supported him, despite the pending divorce. Then, a week later I experienced severe bullying in my new job and called my husband in tears. Both of us needing support during difficult times initiated more contact between us that was far more congenial and kind. My anger had faded and I felt softened towards him after 3 months of separation and much distance from each other. At this point, I felt I could forgive him for his infidelity.
Then my job proceeded to worsen, and I became sick with mental illness and was hospitalized. When I went to ER, they also discovered I had COVID. So, I was hospitalized in a psych ward for 10 days and isolated due to COVID. My husband texted and spoke with me by phone every day during this time. I was grateful to have his support.
When I got out of the hospital, I was very wobbly emotionally and mentally. They did not help with the state of my mental health other than medicating me. At this point, my husband and I were basically back together and discussing possible reconciliation. I made NO promises, and expressed to him that I needed to take things very slowly, that my health and recovery is important and comes first, and that I still had doubts about whether I could trust him again.
I quit that job and was offered a job back at my former employer that had laid me off in July. THANK GOODNESS I received a job offer right as I needed and wanted to quit the stressful job that had landed me in the hospital again. I took two weeks off in between jobs to rest and recover. No such luck. My issues persisted. I finally sought additional help, and I've only just begun to feel more like myself in the past week.
In the meantime, my husband was seriously pushing the relationship on me, love bombing me, making grand promises of change and grand gestures of love. He claimed he had majorly changed while we were apart, even without therapy. But, deep down inside and in my gut, I knew better. He's been abusive, and abusers never change on their own. Even with therapy, they rarely actually change, or the majority do not. However, he was showering me with so much love, support and attention during this time, it felt better than before and I had a tiny sliver of hope. I wasn't well, though, mentally or emotionally, and therefore, my thinking was not clear. Everything that happened during this period felt like a whirlwind. But, before I knew it, he was quickly moving himself back into my home and into my life again. He was taking over my life, I couldn't breathe and deep inside, I felt crowded and overwhelmed though I wasn't cognitively or consciously aware of feeling this way.
We then went to our first couples therapy session early last week. He played a sympathy card to our therapist, and I felt he was trying to manipulate the therapist in our very first session. Every time he spoke, I found myself interjecting to give a more well rounded, TRUE version of the story he was telling. I left the session feeling defeated and upset.
I started my new job in the same week. Before I knew it, my husband had spent four nights in a row with me at my apartment. I was dying for space from him - I wanted to be alone. I had to insist on getting some space and he sulked whenever I said I wanted to be on my own.
Fast forward to Friday. I broke up with him and told him I want a divorce. I had had it. He had lied to me, yet again, during the week, and my gut told me I can never trust him again. Plus, I felt he was pushing pushing pushing things, without respecting MY needs for time and space away from him. He only would talk about what he felt, what he wanted and how he sees things, without once asking me where I stood or how I felt. He didn't even absorb what I had expressed in our therapy session: that I didn't trust him, that I was very angry with him, and that he had abused me badly and hurt me badly. He just went on with life, as though nothing had even been said.
By Friday, I was done. I sent him a break up text, saying my heart and soul are not in the relationship, that I do not trust him and never will, and that far too much damage has been done that cannot be undone, even with therapy. I was done.
This morning I woke up and felt a sigh of relief to not have him with me. I had cried initially yesterday when he visited to get all his belongings and I felt sad for the rest of the night, but my relief this morning is very telling to me. I am glad to be done with the relationship and I know it's the right decision.
I now see how he was brainwashing me over the last 2 months to believe that I need to be with him because he cannot live without me, as he put it. I now see that over the last 2 months, I wasn't myself whatsoever and I was neglecting myself and what I needed, because I was catering to HIM and what HE wanted. I did express this from time to time to him, but he refused to listen to me, and instead he wanted to believe that things were far more certain between us than they really were. I did not lead him on. I was honest with him about my doubts and concerns, whenever the moment allowed me to be.
Now he's blaming ME for not trying hard enough and for ditching the relationship after only one therapy session. I told him I did try, but realized I cannot continue the relationship. He's angry, bitter and hurt and is now taking that out on me by blaming me, when in reality, it's all because of HIS ABUSE towards me. He's the one at fault here, not me.
But me? I feel FAR BETTER for having made this decision - which I had already decided last Fall. Somehow, I allowed him back into my life after a period of separation, but ultimately, came to the same conclusion: tigers do NOT change their stripes and he has proven that to me. Even though he had been loving and supportive, he was only just acting and manipulating me, all in an effort to win me back. I know better. I knew he would revert right back to abusive behaviors as soon as he truly had me back, which he was already showing me signs of.
So, ultimately, long story short - I feel GOOD. I was vulnerable and fell back in with him, and now that I am stronger, I see that it needed to end. So be it if he's angry. He's abusive, and I know he'll never change.