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Blue Giant

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Bullied a lot as a child and also seem to be the target of being made fun of as an adult.

Mom suffers from manic depression and stopped being my mother around 17 or 18 years old.

            - missed helping me dress for first big job interview

            - missed my wedding

I suffer from serious depression which seem to really started when I was around 20 years old.

Got married at 28 years old after many years of complete loneliness and am a father to 2 boys.

Due to my depression I have struggled with my weight and procrastination, the procrastination added lots of stress to my job and home life and the more stress that was added the more I ate and just wanted to sleep. And of course people would pick at my weight causing even more depression.

At 39 my wife left me because of the above reasons and started the worse 2 years of my life. The only person who ever loved me was now my enemy as we proceeded through a hate filled separation with no chance of giving me a second chance.

At 41 my wife passed away with cancer that she had been struggling with for the last 1 ½ years of which I did not know. Now the only person I ever loved was gone forever and she hated me right up to the end.

Now at 46 as a single father I suffer even more greatly with depression with medication doing nothing and my struggles with over eating and procrastination are even worse causing extreme stress on my life. I can’t get anything done and my boys are suffering.

I am the odd man out no matter where I go in my life. My in-laws have accepted me back but I know it was for the boys, was even told “I guess if we want to see the boys we have to see you”. I’ll always wonder what they are thinking.

In my work there is 3 of us who have been there a long time, the other 2 were given the promotion. They deserved it as my procrastination hurt my production but now it’s a daily reminder of how much of a failure I am.

I have some friends but no best friend, no group of friends that I belong to completely, I’m always the other guy, last to get invited.  I know this is also my fault as I’m not social of a person so it’s just another reminder of what a loser I am when I don’t get invited.

I know how to fix all these things but my depression just won’t allow me to catch up in life. It’s like telling an overweight person to stop eating so much and start to exercise, they know what they need to do, it’s nothing they don’t know but they just can’t do it. I just can’t do it.

The worst is that everyone I know would tell you that I am a really nice person but no one wants to be with me, I don’t know why people don’t like me.

So I’ll die alone, I don’t even know where my grave site would be put. Sometimes I wish I had died and my wife had lived.

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