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Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I keep doing the same things over and over expecting things to be different, therefore I am insane. 

I am kind to people. I am nice. I help when I can. I give my love to others.  I treat others as I want want to be treated. 

I  am constantly bombarded by negative thoughts.  To the point where I am unable to do the simplest chore, waking to negative thoughts, replaying incidents that occurred years & years ago.

I am always disappointed by the results. NO amount of positive thinking, taking anti-depressants, doing yoga or meditation or crystals have done any good. Keep trying says the therapist. It's just another cycle of dysthymia, you've been through this before, you just know this & what to do when this occurs, get outside, get some sunshine, break down tasks in small 10 minute segments, play your music.

But what is the use? No one cares so why should I. The things that use to work no longer work. The music doesn't help. Being outside only brings more depression and lots of anxiety.  I look out the front door before I leave to see if anyone is outside who I may have to speak to. I like wearing the mask both the virus preventive mask & the mental illness one.  I avoid eye contact & hurry through the necessary shopping. I speak only when I have no choice.

I am insane.


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Much of what you wrote there rings true for me as well. 

"The simplest chore" becomes a mind-breaking endeavor that I keep putting off for as long as possible.

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I also agree with everything and I don't mind the mask. It wasn't till my late 30s that I stopped thinking about the things in my past over and over. Most of the people we think are better than us are no better than we are. 

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