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Let it go

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Feelings of emptiness again. Sometimes I feel I just have no friends, maybe if I have a friend that I can talk to, things won't seem so bad. But then again being dependent on someone will cause hopes and disappointments so there's no way around it really. I know the theory I need to talk to some people, but I always end up hiding from society after trying to make just one conversation. I'm tired of myself and get tired of being around people so easily. Everyone only think of themselves, including me. 

Staying alone with negative thoughts in my head doesn't help either. The hatred towards everyone and towards myself. Forgive. Gotto forgive myself and others around me. It's not their fault they were raised that way, it's society's fault and our ancestors fault. Empathy and understanding. Sigh. I cannot. I'm such an obvious loser who can't do anything right. So why bother trying. Everyday I face the same old failures that stresses me out. Some days I will have bad migraines and my productivity goes down and I hit myself cause of things that are out of my control. I worry about others and end up making things worse for myself and my family.

Being positive doesn't solve everything. He thinks it's so easy to just remove these thoughts. I don't understand why he has to keep thinking only he is right and can't see things from my point of view. Then conversation ends there and we stop talking and move on while the problem is still there. Let's just pretend everything is ok as usual. Just stay quiet, keep quiet, remain quiet, don't bring up the past issues, out of sight, out of mind, remove myself from the past, remove those negative thoughts and move forward away from things out of my control, conceal, don't feel, cos life is good, there are many things to be excited about, problems come and go, so let them go. Replay Frozen song in my head. Let it go.  

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I could have written this 50 years ago. I learned at a very early age that we don't talk about what goes on behind the front door. That's private & no one's business.  Of course back then mental health issues were not discussed in public or even within the family. I was 7 or 8 when my dad had a 'nervous breakdown' & learned that it is not to be discussed.  

It is hard to be positive when we find nothing positive in life. And other people can't see life through our eyes & have no clue why or how we can't feel what they do.

Take care

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I could write this today. You feel exactly how I feel. You just have to keep trying, I've said today is the day probably 1000 times.


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