The fight of my life
Entry posted by RiverLight ·
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My husband is making separation and divorce SO much harder. It's the fight of my life. Thing is, I thought I had met "the one". I thought he was wonderful and amazing in the beginning. Then slowly, over time, the abuse started. It began in more subtle ways in the early stages. He was testing the waters, I know now. Then, just before we were to leave for the wedding and honeymoon, he exploded on me in an angry rage over a pair of pants I was to buy him. I knew then that I was in trouble, but it was too late in my mind to back out. On the morning of our wedding day, he blew up at me again, telling me to leave him alone. I asked him then "is this how you're going to treat your wife?" Then things were very up and down between us over the next year and a half. I was confused and very conflicted. When things were great, they truly were great. And we did have a ton of fun together. But the bad times were seriously awful - he would explode on me in these abusive rages periodically, causing enormous knock down, drag out fights. It was toxic, and I knew it was toxic. I knew I had to get out, but I did not have a way out.
To make a long story shorter, I faced him with a divorce last July. He talked me out of it by promising changes. We spoke, or I spoke for four hours straight about all the abuse. He admitted to the abuse back then. He improved for a couple of months, and then slipped right back into the abusive behaviors. Then I caught him emotionally cheating on me with his co-worker and that was the final straw. I said, I am divorcing you now.
We've been physically separated for two months now. We no longer live together and he is in the process of moving out. He has been begging and pleading with me for the last two months not to divorce him. He's been laying it on thick, professing his undying love to me and telling me how he cannot live without me. He's also being super sweet, and I am seeing mainly the good side of him, though he is also being very manipulative simultaneously.
When he's being mr sweet nice guy though, it pulls on my heartstrings, and when he pleads with me it pulls on my heartstrings.
I have to stay the course though. He will never change and I know this. I cannot go back to him, no matter what he says or does right now. The good times were only just that, and were only a portion of the whole picture of abuse.
I am most sad and disheartened, but I know I am doing right by me by leaving him now. And I cannot believe I have to start over and be single again at the age of 50! ARGH.
I just wish I knew back then what I now know. He did a serious snow job on me to get me to date him, to move in with him quickly and to get engaged and then married quickly. What a mistake! He wooed me like crazy, and I fell for it hook line and sinker.
What a stinker. And yes, so it's the fight of my life right now to extricate myself from this toxic relationship. He's not making it easy, and in fact, he's making is so much harder. But I will not bend. I refuse to be treated with disrespect and disregard repeatedly. Not only that, but I could never trust him ever again. I have caught him in numerous lies. I believe he may even be a pathological liar. And he cheated on me - something that is a line drawn in the sand for myself. I always told him that IF he EVER betrayed me, I would end the relationship.
So no matter how much good there was, there was still the bad side and it's enough to keep me away - FAR away.
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