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The fight of my life


RiverLight

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My husband is making separation and divorce SO much harder. It's the fight of my life. Thing is, I thought I had met "the one". I thought he was wonderful and amazing in the beginning. Then slowly, over time, the abuse started. It began in more subtle ways in the early stages. He was testing the waters, I know now. Then, just before we were to leave for the wedding and honeymoon, he exploded on me in an angry rage over a pair of pants I was to buy him. I knew then that I was in trouble, but it was too late in my mind to back out. On the morning of our wedding day, he blew up at me again, telling me to leave him alone. I asked him then "is this how you're going to treat your wife?" Then things were very up and down between us over the next year and a half. I was confused and very conflicted. When things were great, they truly were great. And we did have a ton of fun together. But the bad times were seriously awful - he would explode on me in these abusive rages periodically, causing enormous knock down, drag out fights. It was toxic, and I knew it was toxic. I knew I had to get out, but I did not have a way out. 

To make a long story shorter, I faced him with a divorce last July. He talked me out of it by promising changes. We spoke, or I spoke for four hours straight about all the abuse. He admitted to the abuse back then. He improved for a couple of months, and then slipped right back into the abusive behaviors. Then I caught him emotionally cheating on me with his co-worker and that was the final straw. I said, I am divorcing you now. 

We've been physically separated for two months now. We no longer live together and he is in the process of moving out. He has been begging and pleading with me for the last two months not to divorce him. He's been laying it on thick, professing his undying love to me and telling me how he cannot live without me. He's also being super sweet, and I am seeing mainly the good side of him, though he is also being very manipulative simultaneously. 

When he's being mr sweet nice guy though, it pulls on my heartstrings, and when he pleads with me it pulls on my heartstrings. 

I have to stay the course though. He will never change and I know this. I cannot go back to him, no matter what he says or does right now. The good times were only just that, and were only a portion of the whole picture of abuse. 

I am most sad and disheartened, but I know I am doing right by me by leaving him now. And I cannot believe I have to start over and be single again at the age of 50! ARGH. 

I just wish I knew back then what I now know. He did a serious snow job on me to get me to date him, to move in with him quickly and to get engaged and then married quickly. What a mistake! He wooed me like crazy, and I fell for it hook line and sinker. 

What a stinker. And yes, so it's the fight of my life right now to extricate myself from this toxic relationship. He's not making it easy, and in fact, he's making is so much harder. But I will not bend. I refuse to be treated with disrespect and disregard repeatedly. Not only that, but I could never trust him ever again. I have caught him in numerous lies. I believe he may even be a pathological liar. And he cheated on me - something that is a line drawn in the sand for myself. I always told him that IF he EVER betrayed me, I would end the relationship. 

So no matter how much good there was, there was still the bad side and it's enough to keep me away - FAR away. 

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Hi @RiverLight Good to see you back, sad about the news on your divorce but congratz on the new job 🙂

I’m sorry you have gone through so much. I’m just wondering if you tried marriage counselling? I’ve seen how happy you two were two years ago. 

I’m not trying to make you go back to an abusive marriage, it’s just that there are problems in every relationship, and problems are needed to bring couples closer together. But it’s definitely not good to keep on being pushed around, and he should have gotten help for his exploding rages, but we as woman should learn how to control the men with our words, when to speak with sweetness and when to speak with firmness.

I was beaten few times by my husband in our first few years of marriage but now we are 7 years in and he hasnt beaten me and we improved a lot the past 3 years while learning many things along the way. Something like love is helping each other improve ourselves while going through the rough waves of improvements.

Marriage can be a battlefield but can also be a flowerfield and we should be ready for both the hills and the valleys at any time. Anyway, I’m not sure what’s your plan after the divorce, but continue to stand up for yourself, theres still many opportunities at 50, hang around and they will come 🙂 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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7 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Hi @RiverLight Good to see you back, sad about the news on your divorce but congratz on the new job 🙂

I’m sorry you have gone through so much. I’m just wondering if you tried marriage counselling? I’ve seen how happy you two were two years ago. 

I’m not trying to make you go back to an abusive marriage, it’s just that there are problems in every relationship, and problems are needed to bring couples closer together. But it’s definitely not good to keep on being pushed around, and he should have gotten help for his exploding rages, but we as woman should learn how to control the men with our words, when to speak with sweetness and when to speak with firmness.

I was beaten few times by my husband in our first few years of marriage but now we are 7 years in and he hasnt beaten me and we improved a lot the past 3 years while learning many things along the way. Something like love is helping each other improve ourselves while going through the rough waves of improvements.

Marriage can be a battlefield but can also be a flowerfield and we should be ready for both the hills and the valleys at any time. Anyway, I’m not sure what’s your plan after the divorce, but continue to stand up for yourself, theres still many opportunities at 50, hang around and they will come 🙂 

Hi @Depressedgurl007. Thanks, although I am never going back to him. I don't quite. understand what turned around in your own marriage, but abusers rarely change, if ever. And marriage to me should not be a battlefield - not ever. I have a very different viewpoint, and I am guessing that your relationship is still very toxic and unhealthy if it is a battlefield. I disagree that we should be ready for the hills and valleys at any time - that sounds to me like a most unstable and unhealthy relationship. I refuse to take him back - he has hurt me too much, and I have no patience for waiting around for years while he fixes all his issues. And he has MANY MANY issues. Yes, we were once very happy, but the abuse and his control over me were too much for me to bare. He has NO respect, and I will not be with a man who doesn't treat me with respect at all times. I will meet someone else some day - I hope! And thanks so much on the new job!

Edited by RiverLight
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On 1/27/2021 at 3:32 AM, RiverLight said:

Hi @Depressedgurl007. Thanks, although I am never going back to him. I don't quite. understand what turned around in your own marriage, but abusers rarely change, if ever. And marriage to me should not be a battlefield - not ever. I have a very different viewpoint, and I am guessing that your relationship is still very toxic and unhealthy if it is a battlefield. I disagree that we should be ready for the hills and valleys at any time - that sounds to me like a most unstable and unhealthy relationship. I refuse to take him back - he has hurt me too much, and I have no patience for waiting around for years while he fixes all his issues. And he has MANY MANY issues. Yes, we were once very happy, but the abuse and his control over me were too much for me to bare. He has NO respect, and I will not be with a man who doesn't treat me with respect at all times. I will meet someone else some day - I hope! And thanks so much on the new job!

It’s ok, different people have different perspectives and expectations on marriage. I pretty much have given up on living a problem-free life, and my marriage was toxic but no longer is. The battlefield these days is with my mother in law cos I live with her, but I managed to turn my husband to my side. 

Yeap, keep searching for your soulmate, never give up no matter how long it takes! 

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11 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

It’s ok, different people have different perspectives and expectations on marriage. I pretty much have given up on living a problem-free life, and my marriage was toxic but no longer is. The battlefield these days is with my mother in law cos I live with her, but I managed to turn my husband to my side. 

Yeap, keep searching for your soulmate, never give up no matter how long it takes! 

Oh well good - that's very rare, if indeed your marriage is no longer toxic. 

And thanks!! I don't believe in soulmates, but thank you! I am sure that a decent, honorable and respectful man is on the horizon for me. 

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